109: Another Corona Convo: How to Establish the Real Rules & Enforce Consequences in Real Life

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You are listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode one Oh nine,

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My name’s Randi Rubenstein. And welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast where we believe when your thoughts grow the conversations in your home flood

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On the podcast this week, I included a clip of a video that I made for my private Mastermind during all of this Corona craziness, where I was just making sort of some daily clips and just kind of giving them a snapshot into my life and the way things were going down on my own household. And what I included here was how I establish the real Rules in my family. That’s what I call it. And you know, when I tell it, when I walk people through the NICE framework for solving any problem with your kids, when you get to the EA it’s enforcing Consequences.

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And what I found is that this is the hardest part for people. And it’s like their brains get super confused because enforcement Consequences is tough. You have to do some planning. You have to ahead of time, make sure that you have thought through things and you have a conversation about the way things are going to go down. And then you, Establish what I call it, the real Rules, which is all right, we got this plan in place. And what happens when you have the human moment and you don’t get off the video games, don’t turn your phone in at the time that it was specified don’t you do the things that you have committed to doing.

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Don’t show up as that responsible person that we just discussed. You’re going to show up as what happens then, and you have it. And so this is like the, the tag on to the PRODUCTIVE conversation, where you really walk through those hypothetical scenarios and problem solve with your kids. And this is where you establish the Real rules. So when blah, blah, blah, it happens. And it will most likely because your human and your kid, and you want to be on that screen longer after the time it goes up and you are, you’ll be in the middle of the game. And you’ll say just another minute, or I’ll say, it’s bedtime in your say, but I was just doing this or you’ll, you know, cause those moments happen.

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So when we have rules and when they don’t happen, we have Consequences. This helps your brain to remember why these rules are important and need to be follow. This will help your brain to be successful in following the rules. That’s what Consequences do. Consequences are different than punishments because Consequences actually teach people, okay. They teach people, things, punishment. I mean, they’ve done studies on this punishment for kids 12 and younger. It, it, it doesn’t teach it, it doesn’t improve future behavior, all it does. And, and, and even they’ve done studies. In fact, with people older than 12, like in prison systems, Y the, what’s the word for it?

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Why kind of, what is the word win? When the recidivism rate the recidivism? I want to sound smart when I say that, although I couldn’t think of it, so maybe not so much, but the recidivism rate is super high. Like, like prisoners, they get, they get released and then they go right back to prison, like two thirds of them with him. I don’t know. I think it’s like three to five years. ’cause that punishment model M it doesn’t improve future behavior. It doesn’t stop the problem. Consequences however, when done the right way or improve future behavior. So that’s exactly what I’m talking about here is that we’re going to enforce.

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Consequences not because it’s an eye for an I and we just feel like you should pay it’s because the human brain has a hard time changing patterns and the kid’s gonna do the same thing over and over and over again, until they learned some new skills and are able to change patterns. So when we Enforce Consequences and when we do it this way, that we’re in relationship, even though our kids, aren’t gonna be happy about it. We’re not yelling and were not, shaming were not, were not damaging our relationships in the process. We were doing it because we actually care to help them build skills and improve their future behavior. When it’s done the right way, they don’t, it, it, all it does is improve our lives, improve our relationships, improve our households.

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So there’s an art to learning how to actually Enforce the Consequences, Establish the real rules. These are, the rules are important, and these will be the Consequences because this is what’s going to make a big impact in your brain and help your brain to remember. And you’re not going to be happy about it. And it’s okay. You’re going to be super mad at me. And it’s OK. So this is the hardest part for parents, cause this is not the way most of us were raised. This is a growth mindset. This is us focusing on the effort on the growth. This is a growth mindset versus fixed mindset. It is not the way most people are raised.

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It is the way we continue to grow and evolve and improve as humans. And so it is not going to come naturally to you guys. And if I can learn it, I promise you can too. This is not the way I was raised. And I didn’t have anyone teaching me this. I had to piecemeal a bunch of different things and throw them together and create a Mastermind Parenting recipe. And it took me over 20 freaking years to do it. So I’m trying to fast track that for you guys. And, and so that’s really what I talk about in this clip is what it looks like in my own life, in a real moment, after having done this for years, what it looks like and how it’s not so hunky Dory.

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And so y’all will here, like I’m making this video and it’s like, we’re all on, you know, recent lockdown when, during this whole Corona situation. And, and so you’ll hear like, I’ve got morning boys. I just really want it to share, like, this is the real stuff. This is what it really looks like in my life. And, and it’s not always so rosy. So I hopefully y’all will find this episode helpful. And it will help you to enforce those Consequences in your own family, because I’m telling you guys, this is the game changing formula for improving future behaviors. So Enjoy, and I was thinking,

2 (6m 56s):
Look, the PAC leadership piece is that is, it is an issue that I think many people have trouble with. And what I wanted to talk to you guys about is the PRODUCTIVE conversation. And especially right now, and we’re spending so much time together, we have to be pack leaders and have Rules Establish and we have to have Consequences. We have to enforce Consequences the NICE solution to any problem, right? Is, are they getting out of a sleeper? Are they getting enough fuel or are they getting enough activity or are they getting enough stimulation?

2 (7m 39s):
Are they getting enough connection? That’s the basic needs. Okay. If you have a kid that’s showing up with all kinds of behaviors, we’ve got to have assessed the basic needs. Then we’ve got to investigate all behavior’s communication. Maybe they have got anxiety. ’cause all of us have anxiety right now, right? Maybe they’re missing their friends, maybe their there’s lots of different things. Maybe they’re picking up on our anxiety. Maybe they’re getting used to their new normal. And there are a sensitive, nervous system kid, and this all feels wonky and they feel super unsettled in the world. Okay. Got to investigate, communicate with empathy, you know, and pack leadership. And then we’ve got to enforce Consequences to right now, what I want to really focus on is the communication piece.

2 (8m 26s):
And these PRODUCTIVE conversations, you guys, they don’t wrap up always in one sitting or like, like in my family alone, we had been empathizing with there’s lots of, you know, there’s lots of disappointment that’s gone on. We’ve been empathizing with, with a Adriana was talking about You. And I don’t think I finished the thought, but anybody who watched Adrianna on the call yesterday, which I would love an update. Hear Adriana. We have a coffee, you know, it is that she had just, you know, she was spinning, she was spinning. So we have to, we had to get her oxygen mask on. We had to settle some thoughts.

2 (9m 7s):
We have to, you have to shift those thoughts. We had to, she was tapping. We had to bring out the essential oils. We had to talk about systems and a plan and what she was going to do to show up and back leadership. So that’s what you guys have to do in order to have these productive conversations. And when the productive conversations happen, like in my family. So we had been empathizing for days, especially with my daughter. She’s, I mean, she’s a senior in high school, she has been waiting for college decisions. You can’t even visit. I mean, there was lots of colleges that were, are, that were w we were like, you know what?

2 (9m 51s):
We’re not going to visit until we know what the options are. And then we’ll just do a bunch of trips mid March through April and visit wherever your thinking of going. And you will make your decision then. So Avery’s had a whole year of having to deal with all of this college stuff. So there’s, it’s been a roller coaster of emotions. And she was really counting on this time and she visit, and now she’s getting, she’s getting some, she’s getting decisions and she can’t visit anywhere. So we’re going to be like, she’s having to deal with virtual tours, blah, blah, blah. Damn it. Let me get a closer to you.

2 (10m 32s):
All kinds of stuff. Not a whole month in Israel per school goes to a whole month in Israel for the last week of the school year, senior year missing it. Oh, wait, hold on guys. Sorry. It’s dark. So, so there’s been a lot of freaking disappointment with her and then empathizing empathizing, empathizing. Okay. Guess what though? When it came time to, to finally have the family meeting, which really just happened at dinner, we, we were, so I was putting down the Rules. It was, and this was on Monday and, and we had empathized so much.

2 (11m 18s):
And we had had the, at this point, the family meeting really was Scott and I are establishing the rules and the way things were going to go, she was, nobody was happy about it. Every was shut down and dramatic. And she’s, you know, she’s 18 years old. This is ridiculous, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And Corey was, you know, a mess had been a mess. There have been a door slam. There have been a device taken away. There was a, there was drama. This is my point is there was drama.

2 (11m 59s):
And Scott and I are now establishing the rules at the table. This is the way it’s going to go down this week. Things are going to be in writing. We’re all, you know, figuring this out. We’re all disappointed. And we got to have things running smoothly. We’ve got businesses to run. We’ve got things to do. Dad’s already had a tenant move out, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And we’re going to work together. And this is the way it went today with me making lunch. And then you guys all sit around and the family room on your devices, nobody lifting a finger to that were not doing it that way anymore. I was like, it left me pissed and resentful and were not doing it like that.

2 (12m 42s):
So we’re going to have some systems. We’re going to have some order. We’re going to work together. We’re going to figure it out. Our new normal yall. My point is is that it wasn’t a hunky Dory and sing songs. And this was the problem solving part of, you know, for days we have been empathizing for days, we’ve been saying, well, what’s going to work for you. It will tell me about this online school, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And now they’re not doing it and now they’re not doing it. So now we’re establishing

3 (13m 11s):
The rules of if

2 (13m 13s):
You’re not managing your stuff or doing X, Y, and Z. Now these are the rules in place. And this was when we divvied up, who’s in charge of different nights for dinner and what that involved, you know, whoever does the dinner also cleans up after dinner, you know, y’all can work together or y’all can have separate days. Kids, everybody chose their nights. We came up, I said, from one to three, you guys are mine. What does that mean? And what does that mean? I was like, well, it means I might be give you a daily assignment. It means I might have you help me with something for Mastermind. It means that we’re going to all, we’re going to be off any devices.

2 (13m 57s):
We might go for a family walk. We might, I might have a special thing for you all to learn. We might watch a Ted talk together. I don’t know, but guess what? I’m the teacher, Corey, you’re not my teacher. I still have my teachers. We’re still doing online classroom, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I’m like, yeah. And guess what? They want parents to work in partnership here. I am. Now the teacher too. So what I say is from one to three, that’s my time with you. No matter what they said, it was just rolling off. Rolling. I’m not even responding. Avery is. And Corey’s like saying it. And I was like, okay, it doesn’t matter. This is what we’re doing at this point.

2 (14m 38s):
I’m like, yeah, I’m the grownup. I’m the boss. This is it. So, you know, devices, we’ll be here, devices. We’ll be here from this time to this time, devices will be plugged in here from this. Under this time, Avery is going, this is I’m 18 years old. I’m like, all right. As far as I know, you still live here. We still pay for you. We still feed you. You still seem to be quite a dependent. Your counting on us to pay for your deal in column two, for me to send you to the college. Yup. You are still the kid. We’re still the grownups. Does it look like you’re enlisting in the military? So it’s not pretty this establishment of the Rules you guys at the end of the PRODUCTIVE conversation, which is you being like, here’s the rules.

2 (15m 25s):
This is what you’re going to refer back to. This is what you’re going to follow through on. So I was just telling my mom, she’s like, but I can’t get him to stay in his room during a meltdown. And he follows me around and he does this. I’m like, yeah, when you have this conversation and you of the establishment of the rules, this is when you address those things. And when one of these situations happen and I say, go take five and calm down. When your calm, we can talk about it. I can’t even understand you. And you follow me and Badger me and, and, and invade my space and are disrespectful of my space and refuse to do the thing.

2 (16m 6s):
Then this will be the consequence that tells me, you’re clearly out of control on your body. You need more sleep. You’ll be going to bed 30 minutes earlier, and screen time will be off limits for that day. And if you continue to Badger, it will be off limits for the next day, too. If you continue the next day as well, then it will be a 30 minute earlier, lights out and know screen time until further notice got It. We are not doing it this way. I can do better. You can do better. We have to do things that help your brain to remember why it’s so important to be responsible members of this family.

2 (16m 49s):
And I love you too much not to do this. I haven’t been so consistent in the past. And it sent you mixed messages, and I love you more than that. And I can do better and I will do better. And you will do better because we’re going to be spending lots of time together in this time can be a beautiful thing, or it can be a horrible thing because we’re at each other’s throats. So we’re doing it differently. The old way is over the new way is here. And we have the opportunity to have a lot more fun, but I am going to be sticking to these rules because I love you too much not to. And I know you can do better and I know I can do better.

2 (17m 30s):
So this is the conversation. These kids, especially, especially our highly sensitive ones during these anxious times, during this uncertain time, they’re picking up on our anxieties. You know, that’s why I’m like brain dump, tap, do all the things you need, your a game mamas and daddies. They are picking up in the world, needs the grown-ups. The world needs the grownups. The little people need the grown-ups of course there acting like dictators. Of course, they’re gonna dig their heels in. And of course, they’re gonna do everything possible to get as much time on their screens for that little false dopamine hit as possible because they are unsettled in their nervous and they are dysregulated.

2 (18m 15s):
And they need us to show up in this pack leadership to help them feel grounded and safe and the world, no matter what’s going on out there, we got this in here. I will make sure you were fed. I will make sure your needs are met, and we’re going to do it differently because if you continue to fight and just let them have the, the constant little fake dopamine hits, which let me tell you something. We’re, we’re on our screens more than usual right now. So we all will be, but if you’re a family who’s not utilizing this time to spend any time together.

2 (18m 57s):
And everyone’s just in their own separate spaces on their own separate devices all day everyday, not taking any time to connect. Well, that wears on everyone too, because then everybody starts to feel really depressed and isolated and sad and alone. So, so it, my point is, is that there’s that balance that we want to all find. So we have to have these rules and to be like, we’re not going to be device free by any means your work from home, put your kids to work, let them be a valuable member of the family. Talk about being citizens of the world. Talk about businesses that are really struggling and, and, and how we get to all do this to gather, let them be useful.

2 (19m 44s):
Let them be helpful. If you’ve got teenagers, let them do data entry, have certain have bee a pack leader in terms of setting out your system and your plan for the day. And, and, and like how we do with establishing who does dinner, what days and all that from one to three, this is happening in the morning. This has happening in the afternoon from four to six. That’s your time y’all can go and Fortnite it up, whatever it is, and, and, and have your basic structure. If you have kids where they haven’t given you any virtual learning in the school hasn’t and you have to create your own. I want to, I want to let you know that I see this as an opportunity to go beyond traditional education and to expand ourselves.

2 (20m 32s):
This is a time where you get to watch Ted talks together. And this is the time where you get to let your kids, your device, loving kids, you get them an assignment, like making a documentary. They can learn how to become experts at a movie and garage band and all, and make memes and find the, a quote of the day or a historical quote or a quote that will uplift them to be a citizen of the world. Find a quote. I love looking for quotes and me. And so I find a quote, go on to Google images and find the quote of the day that represents something that you want to spread in the world. And then you make me a meme. You know, I used a little that, all the memes in the morning, all, all of the meme, I used something called me.

2 (21m 22s):
Maddick I think it’s free. And you can make little memes or whatever, like give them little projects, assignments out of the box, thinking all of it. I mean, I just read an article that kids are doing like the relaxing technology, but they’re not doing the creative part of technology. And so it was like an article where Pixar said that they have no problem finding coders, but they can’t find people to do like the, the creative parts of the job. So foster those skills in your kids, you know, let them make a documentary of this time to let them, you know, but, but yeah, and, and you don’t even have it like Luke, when it comes to your technology, you can, you can be like, here’s the deal.

2 (22m 8s):
Here’s the, and you can gamify it. You can just give him a little challenges. You can have preview Knights on Friday and Friday night is a preview night. You have all week to work on this project, you know, let’s see what you guys come up with and you can, you know, you guys can vote and you’re going to have a certain, you know, just to make it fun just to make it fun. So, and we can all source ideas here too. So my point is, is we need pack leadership. We have to have a plan. We have to have systems. Do you have to teach reading and writing and arithmetic the way a teacher would? And all of a sudden, like you get an education degree. No, you get to do it like, think about like all your learning here in Mastermind like, this is a group of trailblazers we get to do.

2 (22m 51s):
We had an opportunity right now to step outside the box of traditional education and do it however we want, but we have to be the grown-ups in charge. We can not let fear and panic run the show. We can use this time for good. And we need to establish the rules with the people. And we have to lean into the suckage of establishing those rules because they will not comply or agree or be happy about it. I mean, that night at our meeting, Corey got with the program pretty quickly. Cause we’ve all decided that Corona, Cory’s kind of awesome. I think this is all he’s ever wanted is to have everyone together, but he had some screen addiction and you had some withdrawal and the friends and all that kinda stuff, Avery was, you know, and then I’ve got the Alec factor, who’s home and telling me he’s 22 years old and he’s going to go back to Austin next week, which I was like, yeah know, you’re not.

2 (23m 47s):
So I’ve got that thing. So I’ve got lots of different pieces. Anyway. I don’t know if that’s helpful to share, to let you all be a little bit of a fly on the wall of my life in the way it’s going, but let’s all do this together. No, we’re not letting fear and panic run the show we’re using this time for good. And this is your opportunity. I know many of you were not raised to be packed. Leaders were not raised to be as sort of women. These are skills that you really don’t possess so easily. And so this is our opportunity to hone those skills in yourself. So you’re also homeschooling yourself here, right?

2 (24m 28s):
This is a chance. This is a chance to stop the people pleasing when the people are pissed because you’re instilling the Rules all right. Okay. I get it. Not fun. No one else is doing it. Yeah. Different families have different roles. Oh, you got the short end of the stick. Is this is your family. You hate this family. I, yeah. I would want to have one of those families that it has no rules and eats nothing but junk food choose. Sounds super fun. Yeah. That’s not us like, that’s that, those are my responses. You guys roll off, roll off, roll off. And then, you know, out to be like, who is the likes? You I’m like, I apparently dad does thank God for you. And that’s when me and Scott turned it into the comedy routine and I’m like, thank God for you.

2 (25m 12s):
Cause I don’t think I’m a very likable and the new Alec would be like, Oh yeah, super. I’m like, yeah, what? Ridiculous. And that me and Scott started doing our whole thing. Like, we’ve got this, you guys, we’ve got this.

1 (25m 29s):
Are you ready to start having PRODUCTIVE conversations? Have you been listening to the podcast for awhile? And you hear me go through my three step PRODUCTIVE conversation process to solve any problem and your thinking, how does she do that? Guess what? I made a really cool resource for you guys. I call it the problem solving one sheet. Okay. It’s one sheet front and back. So, you know, take it with a grain of salt, but it will walk you through how to have productive conversations and your practice. And before you know, it you’ll be having productive conversations all day, every day. It really is the solution to solve any problem. So you can download it at Mastermind Parenting dot com forward slash problem-solving all one word that’s Mastermind Parenting dot com forward slash or problem solving all one word.