In this episode, you’ll hear a clip I made for my newest Mastermind members about the most important beginning tool I teach, P.E.T. Present. Engaged. Time. This is where we have to start with all kids who are consistently defiant and defensive. Even though many parents want to immediately jump to the consequences to “fix” their child’s behavior, it’ll never work. We must connect before we correct. PET is how we connect. I talk about building connecting moments into all the caregiving things you’re already doing. You’re gonna love this one. Enjoy!
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About Randi Rubenstein
Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.
She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.
At Mastermind Parenting, we believe every human deserves to have a family that gets along.
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My name’s Randi Rubenstein and welcome to the Mastermind. Parenting Podcast where we believe when your thoughts grow the conversations in your home, flow your list.
Thanks to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode one 16. Well, hi guys. I am including a clip from my name Mastermind that I made for my newest members. And if you’re listening to this in real time, we have the COVID-19 pandemic going on. Families have been home with their kids at the school year was cut short. It is 2020, and people are really going through a messy time. It’s a lot of togetherness Time. And if you have a strong-willed kid, you know that they thrive on structure, but hopefully, you know that.
And if you don’t, you do now, they thrive on structure. They thrive on routine. They do not tell us that they’re feeling anxious. They do not behave in ways that typically illicit a natural or a compassionate response from us. They act out in ways that are not like they are not enjoyable, their not enjoyable when they are feeling anxious, when they are feeling out of control and their bodies when they are feeling disregulated. And so who do they typically take it out on their, take it down on us. That’s what it is. That’s what happens. And so, so my newest members come to me, usually in a state of hair on fire, because what I found is even though most of us, or like, Oh yeah, we want to be a great parent.
1 (1m 46s):
I want to do things maybe a little differently. And my parents did. I want to be a super patient. I don’t want to yell, yada, yada, yada. Then we find ourselves a blended. These Strong little kids, and we’re doing all of the things that were scored. We weren’t going to do. And then we feel super guilty about it. And there is some straw that broke the camel’s back a moment that is usually the impetus for people signing up and taking a parenting class. So usually I’m going to have one of these kids. And if you’re listening to this podcast, chances are you have one. And it was just a matter of how bad does it have to Get before you’re like, okay, I’m ready. Sign me up, lady. What I need something to shift. I need something to change. So by the time people come to my program, they’re like really, really over it and done, and chances are, they’ve had a child that’s really been acting out in these defiant, not cooperative, let many less than awesome moments ways.
1 (2m 40s):
And it’s just, it’s exhausting. And then you add a pandemic on top of it, and you have people that are really in a state. So I was thinking about every one during this time. And one of the, you know, I tell you when people start my program, I, we put, we, we, we put everyone through a sort of boot bootcamp process at the beginning, which was really, you know, most people who have listened to a podcast for a while and wile. And so their, their understanding, the theory and the philosophy. And now it’s like, okay, how do I put all of this learning that I’ve been doing for the last, however long, some people who have been listening for a year or some people who have been listening for a longer than a year, ah, how do I put it in an act into action?
1 (3m 22s):
And so we take people through a process where we really get you into action quickly, because we want you to have some wins. We want to build some forward moving momentum quickly, and there’s a process to doing it. And so one of the very first tools that I teach is called Present Engaged Time or PET Time and, and what you know, and I love you, my friend, I’m recording I’m home with my kids to, and I’m recording this as in the evening and my closet and my little, my little, my 14 year old just came in to us to buy me some kisses. It, so this is a, this is life. We were all in. It were working from home. We working from our closet, we are recording things in the evening without our fancy microphones, whatever were making it work, it’s who we are.
1 (4m 7s):
Right. And so, so anyway, so I started everyone with Present Engaged time, and it’s just a way to start filling up your child’s love cup to pass, to begin sort of undoing the damage in your relationship, which is understandable. But then when you are, when you’re blessed with one of these children and, and we got to start repairing some things. And, and so one of the very first things is, is it’s like, we gotta get back to connecting. We have to connect before we correct. And most people come to me and they were like, okay, just how do I get them to do this? How do I get them to do that?
1 (4m 47s):
Which has always a sign that there is a lot of control on the scene. And I really want people to understand what president gauge time looks like is going to pass on your relationship bank account. And so I have a whole process to how we teach it. And it was, as I was thinking through it about everybody going through what they’re going through, I was like, you know, what, what if we had some hats for president Gates? Time what if we built in Present Engaged time into all of the regular caregiving moments that were doing anyway. And so I recorded this audio and it’s just a different way than I’ve ever thought about teaching this or doing this. But I realized like, this is really what I did it my own life.
1 (5m 28s):
And it, it, it does work and so on. And I do it with my niece. When I have her, you know, we, I ended up giving her dinner or giving her a bath. We have all kinds of connecting moments during all of these regular things that we would do. I mean, if we walk my dog that needs in my little teeny, tiny dog, and if that needs a bath were having Present engaged moments while we were walking the dogs, we’re getting other things done while we have Present gauge moment. So that’s where I talk about in this clip were for my newest mastermind. And I was thinking about all my podcast listeners during this time and thinking you guys would probably love to learn about this to this is something that all of us can be doing.
1 (6m 8s):
So that’s what I’m giving you this week. And I hope you find it helpful. And if you are listening to this podcast on a regular basis, and you’re finding these types and tools helpful, please leave me a review. Let me a five star review and submit, make sure that you’re subscribed because every subscription and review does help other people learn about the podcast. And it allows us to spread the message to more people that are just like you, and really could benefit from learning these tips and tools. So hope you enjoy to do that. Highland’s where you passed this message onto the basics members I’m wanted to talk about Present, Engaged Time for a minute in a way that I haven’t really talked about it before, especially during these crazy times where we’re juggling so much and we’re together so much, and we’re feeling frazzled and we’re not having time to get that me time or that self-care time.
1 (7m 9s):
I sort of hate that term. You know, just in that time where you are nurturing yourself, which everybody needs as a human. And I think women need even more because I think many of us are more complicated and we maybe haven’t felt as nurtured in our lives as, as, as men have in, in, in lots of ways for various reasons. But when you’re not having that time for yourself, you know, if it’s just, you are going to be on edge more, and you may find yourself going into that place of control and, and you made it even signed up for this class who was a program thinking of it. Finally, we are going to give you the exact scripts. And the exact words is that we find the work to get your kids to do something any time your brain is saying, how do I get them to do this?
1 (7m 55s):
How do I get them to do that? Just have no control is on the scene. And an, and just like our little kid’s who, anytime we feel out of control on the inside, we try to control things on the outside. And so if you’re trying to get someone to do something, it’s a sign that you’re feeling in some way out of control me inside. And so chances are, you’re not feeling properly nurtured. Maybe your sleep is not as well, which is your body is requiring Your your, your thoughts or spinning. You are feeling a lot of anxiety. And then we put this thing on you, Oh, you gotta connect before you correct. Now you’ve got this extra thing on your to-do list called president Engaged time. You know, if I need to find five to 15 minutes a day to do to you, you need to find five to 15 minutes a day to do all the things that, that you need to do to fill up your kids love cup so that they can feel connected to the, ultimately you can get to the point of correction and it can even feel sort of manipulative.
1 (8m 55s):
And I’m like, fine. I’ll just do this. This is another thing on my to-do list. How do I get them to do this? How do I get them to do that? And so I’m going to offer something different. I’m going to take all of this pressure off your to-do lists for a minute. And yes, five to 15 minutes of Present Engaged Time ideally Daly is great. It does have a relationship bank account, or it does, and buy more cooperation. And right now we’re in the middle of a pandemic and time’s are uncertain and anxiety’s are high. And we got to do what we can do. So I’m going to offer the idea of, and especially if you have a, if it feels like so much pressure or your not getting to it, or it’s adding Gilt or anything, I want to add, I’m gonna invite you to have present and engaged Time moments during the regular care-giving activities, regular things that you do any way, you know, your child takes a bath and they hate having their hair washed.
1 (9m 56s):
And you know that, and maybe you don’t even wash it everyday. Maybe you want to share every other day or every couple of days. And, and so in those moments, you’re going to just be fully present and an attuned to them. And so you, you, you take a deep breath and you say it gets hair washing day, and I know you don’t love it. So let’s just take it, lets just take our time with it. Lets just be super gentle. Would it be helpful for you to have a little dry towel, but we can, you can hold over your eyes and you will be in your head back and I’ll just be real careful with it. And maybe I’ll, I’ll say to you while we do, we’re just going to take our time. We’re not in a rush. It’s no big thing.
1 (10m 36s):
And if it starts to get in your eyes and it’s bothering you, you to say, you just say a break and we’ll talk a little break. But if we just did that and then maybe you have to remember with my daughter, she always had long hair. It wasn’t that long Time hair, which she had a lot of that. It was just get super tangling. And she was a super tender headed as people with sensitive nervous systems are. And, and so I would buy these like soft bristle brushes, but really it would spray like detangler in her head or whatever. And we call it the wonder brush whenever we were using a wonder brush, we knew it was going to be a super gentle. So maybe it would just taking that extra time to do the detangler and take extra time. You know what? Let’s start on the ends here.
1 (11m 17s):
Let me try it. And you’re just all in, in that moment. And you’re like, we got all the time in the world. It’s no big thing. You’re just super present in all of these caregiving moments. Your child falls and hurts themselves. And then you got to clean up their booboo and give them a booboo Baer and then put a band-aid on it. And you’re just super Present there’s no phone or your brain is saying we’ve got all the time of the world. Is it hurting? Is it hurting us to take a little break? I’m not Time I can tell your legs hurt in you. You told me when you’re ready to go out to keep going. And what if you, you know, if you’re changing a baby’s diaper, like that’s your president Gates, Time with the baby. When your looking in the babies eyes and you’re lotioning the DB down and Your, you know, and you’re changing their diaper in your taking your time and you’re giving them some sweet, gentle kisses and you’re just smelling them.
1 (12m 8s):
They smell so yummy. And you just super Present in all of these little care-giving moments and you do that, let’s say three times a day, you’re just all in with whatever moment your in and you say to yourself, okay. And a perfect world. Yeah. We’d be doing some Present Engaged time and maybe, you know, snuggling on the floor, playing a game or doing whatever. And right now are Present engaged. Time is just me bringing a full presence to all of these little caregiving moments that I’m going to do anyway. So I might as well do ’em in a super high quality way and I can feel really good about that.
1 (12m 48s):
So how does that sound to you guys? And I would love to know any feedback on anyone who has felt like the president cage Time is just adding more guilt to your mom guilt account. And in doing this could make a difference I’m I would love for you guys to try this, to let me know how it sounds to give me updates on it and just notice if you see any differences in your kids behavior and in your own feelings in your body, like showing up with presence like this with your child and just being there for them and drinking them in and enjoying it, you know, and that is that it is meditative.
1 (13m 28s):
That is mindfulness. Like how will this add to bring me more nurture and calm to your life as well. So just wanted to offer that to you guys and would love to know
0 (13m 37s):
How are you ready to start having productive conversations? Or have you been listening to the podcast for a while? And you hear me go through my three step PRODUCTIVE conversation process to solve any problem. And you’re thinking, how does she do that? Guess what? I made a really cool resource for you guys. I call it the problem solving one sheet, okay. It’s one sheet front and back. So, you know, take it with a grain of salt, but it will walk you through how to have productive conversations and you’ll practice. And before you know, it you’ll be having productive conversations all day every day. It really is the solution to solve any problem. So you can download it at Mastermind Parenting dot com forward slash problem solving all one word that’s Mastermind Parenting dot com for a slush problem solving all one word.