118: A Dad’s Perspective and Parenting on the Same Page

0 (2s):
My name’s Randi Rubenstein and welcome to the Mastermind. Parenting Podcast where we believe. When your thoughts grow the conversations in your home flow,

1 (15s):
You’re listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode one 18. Hi guys. Welcome to this week’s episode. I have a fun clip that I want you guys to listen to. And it was a conversation between a dad in my mastermind and me, and after we have this conversation, I actually had him, he was just came on. I was running a challenge and I had some of my master of my parents come out and I put a post out in my private Facebook group. And I said, I’m running a challenge right now for people to come and join the mastermind that enrollment was opened at the time. And I said, anybody who wants to come and share how your experience has been? I know people would find it helpful.

1 (55s):
And so a bunch of my members raise their hand so nice, but we didn’t plan what we’re going to say. I just said, come meet me. We will go in this challenge group will let people ask questions. If they want to ask questions and we’ll have a conversation. So what happens because that’s me, and I’m not a big planner. And I am who I say I am. So I just sort of, I was trusting the process. So anyway, this dad comes and he starts to talk about his whole experience. And I have a long history with him and his wife who had come to a parenting class of mine when they lived in Houston, a few or several years ago. And then they moved away and I was teaching what I do locally, but I hadn’t really moved so much online yet.

1 (1m 39s):
I wasn’t doing, I wasn’t podcasting YET. I was just, I had a bunch of trainings, but I would teach my classes live. And so I said, they were like, we were so sad, we’re leaving, you know, whatever. And I said, I said, you guys can still learn from it. Cause I think I’m moving into doing more virtual. And they were like, I don’t know. I don’t know. Anyway, we had kept in touch over the years and I probably five months ago and they reached out to me about something and they kept wanting to hire me to do one-on-one coaching sessions. I said, listen, guys, come join my mastermind. You do not need to pay me for one-on-one coaching come. And Mastermind, it’s such a better deal. It’s so much fun. You guys will see.

1 (2m 19s):
And so there were like, okay, we’ll try it. And they have loved it. So anyway, he, so, and so I have this, a long history with them and its a little bit like a reunion because you know, we’re back in each other’s world on a more regular basis. And so we comes any talks and everything you said that I was like, okay, we need to share this with as many people as possible can hear it. Especially because one of the things I hear most often our moms who have come in and they come in, they join a mastermind and it’s, it’s literally like one investment per family and I’ll never sing as a mom. And so, you know, the moms will eventually say like, how do I get my husband to participate?

1 (3m 2s):
How do I get my husband to, you know, he’s listened to a couple of trainings. Is that in the other? So what I want to say is, is I, I wish there were more, dad’s like this guy and it’s my mission. And I have, I will say that I have M I don’t want to say brainwashed, but I have, there’s been a few reluctant dads out there. Not more than a few who just, I gently get my closet to them. And, and next thing you know, they’re along for the ride and, and nobody wants to be called out necessarily that they weren’t along for the ride at the beginning. But I will tell you once we get comfortable enough, I’ll say you didn’t start off learning.

1 (3m 43s):
How long did it take you to get onboard? You know, to some of my more active and involved dad’s. And a lot of times the thing that gets the dads more involved, it’s very interesting is that they start to, they started to get along better with their wives because the wives are using the tools with them. And so they don’t even realize, but as one of my dad’s puts it, he said, the next thing you know, Randi old Jedi mind trick you. And I’m really, it was his wife that Jedi mind trick them. And so I think that it’s when you start to use the tools with your spouse, a if your spouse has been reluctant, I know there’s a, I’m being I’m, I’m being kind of sexist here because there are a few of your data and you’re listening to this and I’m like, Whoa, wait a minute.

1 (4m 24s):
I just want you to know. I wish there were more men like you to please don’t get offended by this. I’m I’m not speaking to you out there. I’m saying you are a part of the solution. I want more men to be like you. And unfortunately that is not our reality. Male privilege is still very much a reality in our culture. And you know, so much about parenting is considered women’s work. Even people who don’t think it’s women’s work. You know, I mean like the cooking, the food, buying the food, buying all the clothes, cleaning out the closet, figuring out what fits people, packing for camp, filling out all the forms. I mean, maybe you have somebody that clean your house. Maybe you don’t make all the cleaning calls on you, two and a laundry fells on YouTube and everything inside the house in the bedtime falls on you two and the morning may have falls on you too.

1 (5m 11s):
I don’t know. All I know is that there has been a lot of statistics out there that even when both, both mom and dad work outside the home, the, the amount of family duties and parenting duties that falls on the mom versus the husband is exponentially more. And if you have a situation where mom or a more of a traditional setup, where mom stays is a stay at home, mom and dad leaves and goes out of the house to work where he actually earns money. Well, then forget it. You know, I mean, there are so many situations where dad’s going out to work and he comes home and mom has been working all day to taking care of kids where she didn’t have a lunch room or get to go to the break room and hanging out with, you know, coworkers and have an adult conversation.

1 (5m 58s):
And then dad comes home and he’s just be from a long day at work. And she’s, you know, there’s still so much of that in our culture. And so this Dad, this Dad is just like, I, I like, I want my daughter to grow up a married, a man like him and, and, and his wife is amazing too. I equally love her. And I want my sons to grow up in marry a wife and Curt, or I want my M my sense is to grow up a Mary, a man like him, my daughter to marry a wifi card, but I’m were not going there in this episode. I’ll just put that out there right now. But I just really want more men to get on the mastermind train. And if we point all of this privilege stuff out to them, that’s not the way to go about it because it would be the most thing too.

1 (6m 43s):
I hate her and that’s never going to be good. So the point is, is that I want you to listen to this Dad and if you’re secretly thinking, I want my husband to think like this guy, then I guess, so we need to be creative. I want you to give them, you know, y’all are on a walk or you’re watching the kids play. I want you to, to put an earbud in his ear. It’s like, he only talks for like 10 minutes or so. And you can go right to the meat of it and putting it. You’re an airplane not, and your husband is a year and you have one of the other ear and y’all are watching the kids play. And trust me, me and my daughter watch movies like this on the I’ve had all the time. It works. And just going to listen to the sky. ’cause what he talks about in this episode is not only is he was like, there is nothing more important than this, but he’s a busy doctor.

1 (7m 25s):
His wife’s a busy doctor. And what he talks about is that these tools, how did they use with their staff at work? So sometimes you have to be creative and you have to speak in the language of what is the current challenge. That’s going to feel relevant for the person who you’re trying to teach something. And I’m, and I know that this isn’t the case for, between me and my husband. I mean, look, I teach this stuff. He’s lived with it. And a lot of these things that I speak about this has been my own existence. I mean, I would say now my husband, I mean, I can’t, I don’t even want to I’m a little bit, sometimes I can’t believe this is happening because all my dreams are coming true. Like he loves listening to the Bernay Brown Podcast.

1 (8m 7s):
So, and that was not the case for many, many years. And he’s there and it’s just been this contagious sort of, I don’t know, there’s just this contagious journey and I never forced him to get on the train, but he did. And, but it did take a long time. And so there were many years where I was learning lots of things. I was doing lots of things. And as long as he didn’t come and mess up or whatever I was doing, I was fine with him. Not doing the things, even though deep down, I wanted him to be doing all of the things with me, but I was just sort of like allowing him to have his own process. And he eventually got there, but if I could introduce more men earlier on to be as with it and to get it to the degree that this Dad on the podcast today, he gets it.

1 (8m 53s):
He’s got three little kids busy season of life, as we all know, and he gets it. So I’m, so I have a feeling, he might say some things that might really get through to your husband. So I wanted to include that conversation on the Podcast. So enjoy,

2 (9m 9s):
I think a, you know, for Keri and I, you know, we became parents and we were both working full-time and we’re like, well, you know, you play, you pay, right. So you, you know, when we became parents, it was just one of those things where, okay, wait, let’s be the best parent’s that we can absolutely be. But it, it was always a very challenging with both of us working full time. And I just remember for me, it was, you know, I need you to work. I was like a one hour commute one way. And then, ah, you know, an hour or on my way home, I had just found myself, always. I’m just reading a lot of, you know, audio books, obvious.

2 (9m 52s):
I’m not reading it. I’m listening to the audio books as long as I’m driving. And I, it was just, I just found myself, always just the listening to Parenting books. And over like two years, I can’t even remember how many books I went through. I mean, it was, I was quite a few of ’em and I just wanted a worn more. I knew that, you know, there were, you know, little kids are definitely, they’re not, you know, little adults and they’re, you know, there are wired and depending on, you know, what stage they’re in and how they think. And I, I didn’t know anything about any of that. And so Carey and I just really wanted, you know, just to expand our knowledge on it.

2 (10m 34s):
And I remember her query one night and be like, Hey, you know, this lady is just down the street from us. So it was on the whole call. Is that first building, you had a, you had to rent it on the second story or whatever. And I was like, okay. I thought I was like, Oh, well, I think that this is something that we can definitely make word’s, you know, I was like, I’ll try and get off work a little bit early and I’ll be there. And even though it was sometimes wait, I would always try to try to come to the, to the meetings and everything. And I think for us, it was just, it became very clear to us very early on that it was almost like all these books that I had read and I carried read to cause that we would talk about him and things like that, but it was almost like a 20, 30, maybe 40 when the book’s combined into one Wesson plan And and I’ll say like, wow.

2 (11m 24s):
I was like, OK, this, I could see how this would work as it was, you know, you, you had started touching up on so many different topics and it was almost like your takes on the best part out of all of these books and made, won one lesson plan from him. And I really appreciate it that I really, really did. And so anyways, that was that when I clearly remember her being like, Hey, this, so it is down the street, it was trier out. And it was like, okay, you know, let’s do it. And I’m one thing that was extremely eyeopening to me from the Utah. Me, Randy, was that just how much, how do I put it?

2 (12m 5s):
It’s it’s almost like your classroom was to me, became my K what are those sounds like a self improvement course, almost for me ’cause I had realized that to be a better parent and so to be a good parent and just to be a parent in general, all of these little weaknesses in yourself come bubbling up to the surface. And I always tell it carried through from, you know, I love mountain climbing. And when I was on Mount hood, it’s its so crazy when you’re up high in those mountains and your just away from civilization for a week. And we can depend on a whole lot of things other than yourself and your teammates.

2 (12m 46s):
It’s funny how you know, that slight ni problem all the sudden when you’re up there and you’re a high and you’re carrying, you know, 70 pounds on your back, all of a sudden that, and the problem is not. So what do I anymore? It’s actually a big problem. And so your course taught me that all these little things that, you know, you go throughout life and you’re just kind of like, ah, you know, a, you know, that it was, then this has now all those things kinda do start bubbling up here a little bit. And you’ve got to tackle those head on in order not to pass that on to your kids. Right. Because you always wanna make sure your kids better than yourself. And so it was kind of interesting to me.

2 (13m 27s):
I had never viewed it that way. And you know, your, your class really, really helped me in Mastermind really helped me to do that was not only identify that, but then also, you know, come in and, and not be afraid to tackle some of those things that, you know, you’ve maybe been hiding or that you packed away, you know? And you’re like, Oh, and it doesn’t matter. I think that’s fine. And so it was, it was kinda, it’s a, that was really nice. And that was the really nice thing about it. So I, I really do view your Plus. It wasn’t just a, I helped me be a better parent, but it was really the help me to do to be at a better person.

2 (14m 8s):
And its amazing how many caring and I laugh about it all of the flipping time, like we used to, we call the way we Randi somebody’s and what are, are we at work? So it’s like, it’s crazy now you have a lot of assistance and a lot of staff that, you know, depend on you and we’ll get you and for a leadership and a even patients. I mean it it’s, it’s just crazy and how well I’d be able to communicate more. I’m able to empathize with people. And I use all the strategies that you can teach. I use them like on a daily basis, not just with my kids, but everywhere. And so, so anyways, it’s, it’s, it’s awesome.

3 (14m 49s):
Well, you know, I mean, I so much love for you guys

1 (14m 53s):
Because my dream is for everyone to embrace the information and the way they experience. And if you look a perfect scenario is when a couple comes in and does it together the way you and Carrie did. And you know, maybe part of that had to do with you guys both have very intense, full time, you know, careers I’m in medicine and, and you have three little kids, you know, when y’all came to me, you were pregnant with their third child that you were, you know, like child, child, child. So it was like, it’s like, you know, immediate family to crazy careers, not a ton of time and you guys dug into it together.

1 (15m 35s):
And one of my favorite things about you guys is that is, is how and Keri and Damien, when they started, they lived in Houston and I was teaching the classes live. And so then when it, I started to expand to the virtual experience, they were like, Ooh, I don’t know that that’s going to work. And they were moving away. They were moving to Washington. And so they recently came back and I know there are perfect examples of how this virtual experience can work in. And we’re people from all over in lots of different areas. But, but one of my favorite things that you guys did was I, they strengthened their marriage and they use the tools because they were doing it together.

1 (16m 18s):
They use the tools to understand each other even better. And I’m one of my own. And I made a podcast episode where I shared where I did an experience with them and I had done these assessment. I do this, these assessments to help you understand how your brain is wired and to help you understand how your partner’s brand is wired. And it, I would say to this day, it’s one of my top five favorite coaching sessions I’ve ever had with anyone because it was just so much fun to have used sort of like a window into the other person’s

2 (16m 54s):
Oh, it was crazy. That was so incredibly eye opening and it just made it just like brought it all full circle or for the both of us. So there’s so many things that made sense about her in so many things that I do have made sense to her. So that was, that was a really wonderful thing for sure. And I definitely, you know, and it’s truly one of my most heartbreaking moments with you Randi has been and just listening and hearing how many dads are not on board or, or struggling. And you know, it’s a kind of a, it wasn’t a thing, unfortunately, dads, I think I’m, and I speak of it as, because I am a dad.

2 (17m 40s):
And so it’s really, it’s, it is really hard. It’s really hard to rewire your brain from that, from that, you know, socially acceptable, what a Dad should be. And should it be, is it’s a really tough to break away from that is it really is. And, and you find it very hard, raising them more dads are not on board. I’m actually kind of shocked that more dads aren’t are not on board with, you know, with some of this stuff. I hope that they do changed our mind because it really has helped so many aspects of, of, of, of my life. Like you said, our, our marriage has gotten stronger and you got to remember at the end of the day, what are you doing?

2 (18m 23s):
All of this for? You’re doing it for your kids. Right. And you’re, and you’re doing it for your kids. Well, if you know, you’re a marriage, you know, is suffering. That’s really hard on not just you, but on the whole family. And so it’s really kind of, there has been days where, you know, I disagree with Carrie, Carrie, this agrees with me or a, you know, we, you know, but it’s, it’s amazing when you come together as a team and you are able to just establish one front and you know, when we disagree with each other, we were, when we started feeling like we’re going to get into it a little bit, you know, Terry says pineapple and I say, watermelon, you know that it might just crack up at the end.

2 (19m 8s):
They’re like, daddy, why don’t you just say a watermelon? You know, I don’t know, funny, but just that one thing of it will erase things that I saw when I was a little kid. And that was extremely disheartening and scary. You know, sometimes when you see your parents’, you know, you get into it or fight and things like that. And so, you know, when you were a little kid, you don’t understand that the argument might be something where you work at all, but you know, when your, a little kid, any fight is a big deal. Oh my gosh, where my parents were doing it, why are they, you know, not liking each other. And so it was just a photo of things like that we have learned from you all over the years is just, you know, I mean, it just there, so I appreciate it.

2 (19m 49s):
And, and, and we’re just blessed to have, you know, met you. And so I have known, you know, that for taking your course and we are so incredibly happy that we’re a story, but staying in touch and still learn so much from you as a peer. Because honestly that was like one of our, your life, you were on our team, you were a part of our team down in Houston. And so we were like, Oh my gosh, you know, and we were contemplating even the leaving in Texas that was hard enough to do, but dance, you know, see our team just like the center. Great was really scary too, but we’re so happy that, you know, your you’re still very much a part of our team.

2 (20m 31s):
So it’s good for us.

0 (20m 39s):
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