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139: The Strong-Willed Child Gap – Part 1 with Amanda & Randi

By December 8, 2020November 8th, 2023Mastermind Parenting Podcast
139: The Strong-Willed Child Gap - Part 1 with Amanda & Randi

This month on the podcast, we’re continuing our conversation about the gaps I see that are impeding “mental wellness” in families with a strong-willed child. I sat down with Mastermind Mentor, occupational therapist and “kid whisperer”, Amanda Perches. We had a very candid discussion about the frustrating path that many families go down seeking resources to help their struggling kids…and the solutions that’ll finally help our often hardest to reach kiddos.

As always, thanks for listening, and be sure and head over to Facebook and you can join my free group Mastermind Parenting Community, where we post tips and tools and do pop up Live conversations where I do extra teaching and coaching to support you in helping your strong-willed children so that they can FEEL better and DO better. If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it!

About Randi Rubenstein

Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.

She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.

At Mastermind Parenting, we believe every human deserves to have a family that gets along.

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0 (1s):
My name is Randi Rubenstein and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast at Mastermind Parenting we’re on a mission to support strong-willed kids and the families that love them. You’re listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast

1 (14s):
With Randi Rubenstein episode one 39. Okay. I am sitting down having a conversation with the amazing Amanda purchase, who I like to refer to as the kid whisper. And I wanted to introduce her to you guys because she works with me in the Mastermind. And if I do say so myself, I think we’ve been creating some magic together. And so I was like, I want you to start coming on the podcast and let’s just have a conversation, especially right now, you know, this season on the podcast is really all about what are the conversations happening behind the scenes amongst professionals that work with kids, right.

1 (1m 1s):
And what are they really saying that they are not necessarily saying to parents? And I kind of wanted to like give parents a preview of what are those conversations we’re having about what’s really going on with these struggling kids? Because I was, I like when I was a mom and I was going to the pediatrician’s office, trying to figure out what was really going on with my kid and kind of feeling like he was a puzzle that I was trying to solve the conversations in that pediatrician’s office or in the offices of the different Child professionals that I was working with, where we are very different than the conversations I’m having now behind the scenes.

1 (1m 45s):
Now that I’m sort of on that same side. And I feel like there’s a Gap that isn’t being discussed and there’s a couple of gaps. I think there’s a professional Gap I think there’s a parent Gap, I think there’s a Child gap and we’ll kind of get to those gaps. And so my thought is, is that in this season, on the podcast, I want to give the listeners a preview of what these conversations are that we’re actually having. And just like, let’s start revealing truths. And so I’m, and so I thought you’d be the perfect person to have on here because that’s what we do. You know, that’s what we’re constantly doing about our members is like, what do you think is going on?

1 (2m 28s):
What do I think is going on? We’re putting our heads together, we’re problem solving. Then we’re going back to them. And we’re trying to figure out the best way to support these families and their kids. So welcome Amanda, purchase Amanda, just a few things about Amanda. She has over 20 years as an occupational therapist, a pediatric occupational therapist, she has worked with some of our most challenging kids and she has a champion of these kids. She truly loves with all of her heart because I talked to her all the time about them and she really is rooting for them and just see as the best in them. And I sat on a panel with Amanda, I don’t know, probably six years, seven years ago.

1 (3m 15s):
It just to random panel, we were doing a day or a workshop and there was a bunch of different kind of professionals on this panel. And every time Amanda opened her mouth, she is a neuroscience nerd like me. And every time she opened her mouth, I was like, she freaking knows her shit. And that started our, our friendship, our relationship, and, and we just kept in touch over the years. And then in the last year, Amanda has been working with me, helping the families in the Mastermind. So welcome, Amanda,

2 (3m 50s):
Thank you. And thank you for having me on today. I’m super excited. You know, I’m always, and for a good Parenting parent-child discussion and truly is my passion. And I find that those hard to reach difficult kids oftentimes end up being the easiest kids’ for me to work with because they’re just so misunderstood. And once they’re understood and wants the parent’s have the perspective of understanding where their child is coming from and what their child’s needs are, it can be such an easy turn or easy and quick turnaround. I don’t like to say fix because we’re not in the business of fixing, right.

2 (4m 31s):
But I think it could be just such an easy turnaround, relatively easy turnaround for parents, because they’re truly supportive in the conversations in, in the literal roadmaps of what they need to help their child to reach their child. And really it’s more about the family dynamic than just the child dynamic. So it’s very, very, very, very cool to see that happen.

1 (4m 53s):
Okay. So will you start by? I’ve had a lot of people say, what is an occupational therapist? And I just want to be clear when Amanda’s working within the Mastermind she’s we call We what, what Amanda does, we call it Mastermind mentoring. She’s not working in the capacity as an occupational therapist. And she has been an occupational therapist for over 20 years. So she can’t help, but bring that knowledge base to her work within the Mastermind. And it’s just, it’s unbelievable how often that’s why I call you the kid whisperer. But I also feel like you’re like the translator, like every single person is like, I can’t figure out why my kid is doing X, Y, and Z.

1 (5m 36s):
And Amanda it’s like, she knows, she just knows what she, you know, it was like, you’ve worked so long with this population of children. And it’s just like, I feel like you have this expertise about what is really going on with a little human, when their nervous system is dysregulated. And when their acting out in certain behaviors, it’s like, you, you just always know what’s going on. So tell people what, what is an occupational therapist?

2 (6m 4s):
So an occupational therapist is someone who like our job is to help people become more independent and whatever area of life they want to become more independent in. And also, I like to think of it as we enhance life and we make life more efficient. We make life easier. Right? So in order for us to do that, you know, there’s a lot of traditional medicine that treats symptoms, right. And there’s nothing wrong with a traditional medicine. I was trained in the traditional medicine. That’s my background. And it’s great for a lot of things. But what I don’t like to do is I don’t like to treat symptoms.

2 (6m 45s):
I’d like to look at the root cause. And in order to look at the root cause of like, you know, let’s just say, because I’m a pediatric occupational therapist, I’m looking at the root causes of like, why is this kid having meltdowns and tantrums? Right. I don’t want to treat the meltdowns and tantrums because that’s a short term, it’s a short-term fix, right. That doesn’t really address well, why is he having meltdowns with tantrums? You know, is there a sleep issue going on or their tonsils and adenoids that, or creating the sleep issue or are there in the, you know, are there are underlying seizures going on or are there things going on at school where the kids being bullied and he doesn’t have the verbal ability or emotional ability to communicate that to his parents, is he trying to communicate that to his parents, his parents aren’t hearing it because they’re coming from an authoritative approach versus a connected approach.

2 (7m 35s):
You know, there’s a million reasons. And I find that all parents are wanting the same thing for their kids. Right. And they’re wanting a connection with their kids. They are wanting their kids to be successful, successful in whatever terms that means for their family. But I find that people know what they want, but they don’t know how to get there and necessarily, or in, especially if they were raised in a family that they don’t want to repeat that parenting style and their family. So it’s like, well, how do you, I know I want this, but how do I get there? Right. So as an occupational therapist, I think it gets, it gives us a very unique and great background to be able to look at everything like big picture of, okay, well, what testing have you had done with the professionals?

2 (8m 24s):
Have you seen, which therapist have you seen and what has worked with, what does not work? Do you know, what’s your own family dynamic? What’s your dynamic with your spouse? Are you all on the same page or are you on, you know, different Parenting pages and different parenting styles? And so, you know, like I said, an occupational therapist, our job is to enhance someone’s life. So for a child who’s having meltdowns and tantrums or a child who is dyslexic or dysgraphic in school feels miserable. How can we make that easier? How do we make life feel more, more peaceful, more calm? And it’s a really cool role to play because your book, the goal of the OT is always helping someone else reach their goal.

2 (9m 6s):
And so you constantly get rewarded with seeing people reach their goals. And like I said, you know, sometimes we come in and it’s like, Oh wow. Like, I’m not sure where we are going to go from here. But through that very detailed history and exploration and investigation, the canvas really starts to paint itself where it’s just like, okay, now we have a picture and now we have a plan. And once you’re able to give a family and understanding and a perspective of the plan, right, then all of the feeling frazzled and emotional distress and the shutdowns and that walking on eggshells, that tends to just stop. And so I can tell you how many times I’ve actually worked with families.

2 (9m 47s):
They’ve signed up to work with me, or maybe you have done like a laser session with them or whatever. And we ended up not even working anymore because those kids just automatically get better because it’s really the parents’ perception has changed. And that’s really all that needed to happen of like, maybe my child doesn’t need to be fixed. Maybe this is my child. I need to accept my child as this. And then my child is meeting goals. I need to be accepting of the goals in my child’s meeting. Or maybe my child developmentally is where they need to be, or whatever is just like calming down in the general tone with the household really helps to calm down to Child central nervous system. And as a new teacher, that’s what I’m always looking for.

2 (10m 28s):
It’s like, what can we do to calm down your central nervous system? Because where we live in a very rapid, fast paced world of go, go, go, go. And at high expectations and not a lot of downtime. And so when we teach people how to decompress and be still a lot of those things just work out on their own,

1 (10m 50s):
You know, it’s so interesting to me because it’s almost like, it feels like the role of an occupational therapist is to investigate and then teach skills and skill build.

2 (11m 3s):
Right. We would always say, skill’s for the job of living, right? Like whatever your job of living is, that’s what I want to help you with. Whether you’re a infant and you’re having issues with breastfeeding or your, you know, and stages of whatever disease and you were trying, you know, you’re a geriatric patient and you’re trying to cope with that and, you know, get your life in order. And it’s just whatever your goal is, right. It’s skills for the job of living and right

1 (11m 31s):
Like that. Like my mom has had some health issues recently and she was working with an occupational therapist who was literally it, the big goal was transferring from the hospital bed to her Walker to be able to get to the bathroom on her own and write. And so that was, I mean, because every time she wanted to go to bathroom, like we had to have night a night nurse there because otherwise my dad would be up all night helping her to go to the bathroom. So you have the night nurse there and then you have her working with an OT. And then before, you know, it, you can get rid of the night nurse because she can actually get out of bed, transfer herself.

1 (12m 12s):
And so the occupational therapists worked with her to be able to do that. Well, now all of a sudden, my mom has a sense of independence, freedom saving a ton of money. And that momentum actually increased her confidence and helped her to like, you know, continue getting stronger, stronger, stronger. Avery was just out of town for a month and came back and she could not believe how much stronger my mom had gotten in a month. And I’m telling you a lot of it was because of the work she did with an occupational therapist.

2 (12m 44s):
Right. And our job is to motivate people. That’s actually why my business is named motivate, right? Because the intrinsic motivation works miracles for people, right? If you give them a little bit of confidence to not only set their goal, but a plan to help them reach their goal, once they reach one goal and then the next goal, and you just keep reaching small goals, which like, you know, for us, it doesn’t seem like much to get from a hospital bed to the bathroom. Right. That’s just something that we are thankfully, most of us blessed to be able to do without even thinking about every day, but think about the depression and anxiety and the loss of motivation and the, the depression that sets in when you don’t have that. Right. So that’s similar to these families of like, Oh gosh, I’ve taken my kid everywhere.

2 (13m 28s):
I have taken my kids to the psychologist. I’ve taken my kids to the pediatrician and I’ve taken my kids to a sleep specialist. I’ve taken my kids to, you know, we tried the medication, we try it, all of these things. And nothing’s working by the way, I’m supportive of obviously all of those professions and they all play their role and are all vitally important. But a lot of times what people are missing is the big picture. Because I think as a traditional medical professionals, we’ve all become almost too specialized where it’s like, OK, the neurologist is looking at the brain and the orthopedic is looking at the bones and it’s like, everyone’s looking at their subspecialty. Right. But who’s looking at like the big picture, how to all of these connect.

2 (14m 9s):
And what’s the big picture coming out of all of these smaller pictures and all of these smaller details. And so as a team, that’s what we’re trying to kind of look at. Okay. Let’s put together all of these pieces and form the whole puzzle so that then we can give the parents in the idea of like, this is why it’s not working, because we’ve been focusing to see focusing on all of these little parts, but like, how do we merge all this together and focused on big picture, in a big goal. And quite honestly, by the time people usually get to me, they’re so frustrated, they’re so irritated that they don’t, they have no faith in me that it’s going to work. Right. That they’re like, it’s just another specialist. Like if this isn’t going to work, it’s more of a funny, I don’t want to spend the money.

2 (14m 51s):
I don’t want to spend the time. They’re just a lot of times people have completely given up and they’re, you know, rightfully so. They are very, you know.

1 (15m 0s):
Yeah. Yeah. And they’re jaded. I mean, I think, you know, a theme that I’m covering this month is how life is nonlinear. And I think a lot of the reasons for these gaps in terms of helping these kids, like where’s the gap and how can we fill it in so that we actually help these kids that are struggling, I think, is that this path to helping the kids has been non-linear you go to your pediatrician? I mean, this is kind of some of the investigating we’ve been doing, like where w let’s uncovering the gaps. We’ve been talking to a lot of professionals we’ve been talking to, we talked, you know, a pediatric neurologist, a lot of pediatricians, we happened to have a decent number of, you know, medical, Western medical professionals that are in the master, in our private Mastermind as parents, because they have, they know there’s a gap.

1 (15m 58s):
They know that it’s a non-traditional method. That’s truly gonna help a highly sensitive Child. And so they can they’ve come in to our membership. And so we’ve been picking a lot of their brains asking them, and it seems like this path to helping these kids has been non-linear. So you’d go to your pediatrician and your asking your pediatrician for support, but you’re not making a special appointment. Typically you’re asking like your there for either a well-check or an ear infection check. And it’s just like, Oh, by the way, my kid is doing X, Y, and Z, and it’s and you, and you just lightly gloss over some behavior that your kid is doing that actually is driving you nuts and hijacking your day so much of the time, but you’re just kind of throwing it in there.

1 (16m 46s):
And this pediatrician, you know, they’ve got a patient scheduled every 10 to 15 minutes and their there to do the well-check or to do that, your infection. And now all of a sudden they have to talk about some major problematic behavior going on and there’s investigating to do, and they really don’t have the time for it. And most of them, frankly, weren’t trained and, you know, figuring out what behaviors are going on. So they immediately, they want to be helpful. And so, and they want to keep, you know, their families happy and give them the support they need. So the pediatrician quite often, I think will suggest some kind of specialists like you were just talking about, but it’s a specialists like a, psychologist’s a child, psychologist are a child psychiatrist.

1 (17m 34s):
And, and it’s like, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. Okay. Before we go, before we pull up the big guns, like let’s back it up for a sec. And what about like, what are you guys doing at home? Have you read parenting books? These are the ones that I recommend. Here’s a parenting program that has helped a lot of families. Let me send you the website. Here’s a pediatric occupational therapist who also works as a parenting coach who can help you and can kind of hear what’s going on and help get to the root of things before we need to go and talk, start talking about if your child needs medication are not, or if they might have an ADHD diagnosis, let’s slow it down and let’s go over here.

1 (18m 22s):
But what we’re finding is that it hasn’t been linear because it seems like the big guns get pulled out right away. And then there’s this seed planted in the parents’ mind of a child, psychologists, a child psychiatrist saw a neurologist. What’s wrong with my kid. Holy shit. There’s something wrong with my kid. And then we go into fear and panic mode. And every little thing your child is doing, you start to worry is my kid on the spectrum? Is there, are they this or that? And you, you’re starting to go into all of that fear and panic. And it just seems like sometimes people start down that path where if we, if we disrupt this path, right, if we disrupt this path and we, and we educate people before we pull up the big guns doesn’t mean that there’s not a great support in it with child psychiatry and child psychology.

1 (19m 16s):
However, before we go there, let’s, let’s back it up a little bit. And everybody just take a breath and realize that, you know, we are humans. We are not robots. There’s nothing wrong with your kid. Your child is a human four-leaf Clover. They’re trying to show us what their behaviors, that there is something to figure out, and there is nothing wrong with them. They just need the adults to all get together, collaborate. And so they know how to support them.

2 (19m 45s):
So, you know, add on, I think too, when people are like, what’s wrong with my kid, it’s also what’s wrong with me. And why have I failed as a parent? Just not, not a fair, not a fair judgment for parents to make of themselves. But that’s where so many parents goes. I’m a failure as a parent because my child needs a psychologist because my child needs a psychiatrist. I have failed. And then people would go down the path of something’s wrong with my child. I’m a failure. I’m a terrible mother, the mom guilt that’s in. And then it’s just the whole house is, you know, I talk a lot about central nervous system and where we’re functioning on it. And the whole house is functioning way above threshold.

2 (20m 26s):
So everyone’s walking on eggshells. Everyone feels like a failure. Everyone feels frustrated and impatient and nothing’s going well, right? And so by the time you actually get to that appointment with the specialist, everyone’s already super anxious or, and, or depressed. And so it’s hard to hear then the feedback that you’re professionals, if you think you, it’s hard to integrate it because you have no bandwidth left because you’ve beaten yourself up for the month that it took to get into the appointment. I mean, it’s just a whole vicious cycle and you know, on the professional side of it too, and you and I have talked about this, but I’d like to share it here. It is. It’s incredibly frustrating as a professional because that’s kind of how and why I found Mastermind.

2 (21m 7s):
And when we were on that panel so many years ago, I think we both new at the time. Like we want to work together, but like, how do we do that? And it took a while to kinda figure that out. But for me, it was getting to the point as a professional, as an OT, working with kids in their homes or schools or a daycare or wherever have it’s, the insurance model has changed everything. So even professionals who are trained in it, you want to help you. You want to have the time, the way the insurance model is set up is we, we are not really allowed to do that. There’s no payment for that. People have to keep their doors open, right? We have to get paid for the work that you do. Even when people are trying to provide support to parents, we don’t have enough time.

2 (21m 49s):
So you know, it, as a therapist, insurance is not reimbursed for a parent education. And so we literally get like five or 10 minutes to the end of every session. Well, in my opinion, like parents need to be educated almost the whole session. Like the parent education is what helps people make progress with their kids when I’m working with their kids for 30 to 45 minutes, once or twice a week. And then they go home and the parents are calling. They’re like, yeah, I still don’t really know what to do with my kid. I’m like, I know, like, I, I want to, I want to teach you, and the way the clinic model, the outpatient model are you in the home home health model or whatever school model, it it’s, it’s, it’s impossible as a professional to provide the support to parents that you want to provide the parents.

2 (22m 33s):
But it’s also incredibly frustrating because even if I have the knowledge, I don’t have the ability to write. And so with Mastermind I was, I was frustrated because I was like, I, I need something more for these parents. I need, some of these parents would go through at home that it’s completely devoted. Just to that, that separate from their kids’ therapy. They need a curriculum. They need, again, a lot of parents who are like, I want this, I know I want this, but I don’t know how to get there, but I’m here. I want to be here. And I have no idea how to travel that path from a to B, but with Mastermind it is the curriculum that is the roadmap to Parenting that people want and need. And so the people, you know, there’s a lot of, I love, there’s a lot of parenting books that I love.

2 (23m 14s):
The problem is a lot of people read the books, they get the philosophies, they get the theories and they’re all wonderful and amazing, but they are like, okay, but how does that apply to my child in this instance? Right? So with Mastermind they have the ability to show up for coaching calls and raise their hands and be like, Hey, I tried to implement this. It didn’t go so well, what do I do next time? Or how to walk me through this? And then for the people who want even more handholding for that, because maybe they’ve been on this journey for so long that they’re like, you know, there in that this isn’t going to work, nothing’s helped with their jaded, whatever they had, the ability to have one, one support or laser sessions or whatever. Like, Hey, I get this and I understand it. I want to run on the calls with where I’m in the moment. It doesn’t make sense to me. And so they have the ability to reach out on a one-on-one basis all through the month and say, Hey, I need help with this.

2 (23m 57s):
Right. And then they’re like, okay, now this makes sense. And then they get super motivated, super excited. And they start having these little tiny victories. People don’t really need that much. Usually they just need a little bit of help to have that confidence of knowing they’re on the right path. And then they continue and they get even more motivated. And it just, this snowball effect to where like, then there’s all this positivity in this confidence, in this calm and peace at home, and then they’re able to keep going, right. I’ll have to just, and maybe some times they just check it and be like, okay, now I have a question about this, right? But its not like they don’t need one-on-one help forever because they finally have someone that understands and explains to them in a very, in a way that’s very tailored to their specific needs on the house.

1 (24m 44s):
I will say, you know, in terms of like when your, when your feeling nervous and anxious in your nervous system is, you know, when you’re worried about your kid, your nervous system is not going to feel balanced. And there’s something that happens when you learn a concept. And then that concept is applied to your life and your specific situation where all of a sudden the learning becomes very relevant and it clicks. And so when it clicks, it settles your body down because you’re like, Oh wait a minute. There is hope I do. Right? Like, so there is help. But what I was going to say is, is, you know, when you first, when you reached out and you were like, listen, I was wondering, can I send people like to go through your Mastermind and, and learn the parent education piece.

1 (25m 42s):
It was funny when Amanda kinda reach out to me, it was sort of a dream come true because Amanda was, you know, running around like a chicken with their head, cut off, treating kids, going to schools, going to people’s houses. I say that that’s a really great pediatric OT. They’re like the unsung heroes of child development, you know, like they’re having to deal with all the insurance BS and, and they’re going, and they’re working on, I mean, Amanda has been spat on however many times hit it on like all of the things. And, and it’s one thing that those things are happening to you and it’s your kid, but like this is happening to her.

1 (26m 24s):
It sort of like changing somebody else’s kid’s diaper. Like it’s not that big of a deal that you’re changing your own kid’s diaper. And so, so Amanda is, you know, running around, she’s caring about these kids, but she’s with them, forty-five minutes to an hour a week. And then the rest of the hours, they’re at home and mom and dad aren’t knowing what to do. And so we made it, it’s like, I don’t have the time to educate the parents. And here you have this whole program. Can I put my parents through your program? So that then when I go work with the kids, I’m not starting over every single week. And I was like, yeah, let’s do that.

1 (27m 6s):
And so that’s kind of how it all got started and we do. And I said, you know what? Just to be sure we knew we were in alignment, but I was like, just to be sure, because Amanda has three kids of her own and she’s a mom and everyone who works with me in the Mastermind is that’s kind of the criteria is you need to be a parent cause you got to really get it. And, and I think you have to be a parent to truly get it. And it’s funny because I’ve talked to a couple of pediatricians lately who were like sharing their stories about the advice they gave parents before they became a parent because they really didn’t receive that, that education when they were in medical school and they were trying to like act like they knew.

1 (27m 47s):
Right, right. And they’re like, Oh my God, I cringe at the thought of some of the things I told parents before I was an actual parent.

2 (27m 54s):
And I look back and I’m like those poor kids and families, like, I totally overloaded them with the film programs and you gotta do this. You got to do that. I’m like, yeah, you can’t do that. What’s your ride.

1 (28m 6s):
What I love so much about you is that your Do you’re in the trenches yourself as a mom. And so I said to Amanda, Hey, why don’t you do my program? Why don’t you do Mastermind as a mom? Just so that we can be sure that we’re totally speaking the same language. And so, you know, once that happened, it just all kinds of, you know, it just has turned into what it’s turned into, but I almost feel like it’s what it’s turned into is it’s almost like, like, like helping parents learn these Parenting tools. And a lot of it sort of feels like it’s DIY OT at home. So like an as a parent who was the parent that show up to the OT offices and appointments and all the other things, right?

1 (28m 53s):
So it’s the expense. It’s the time it’s the hijacking your life, your kid’s life to all of a sudden be able to like learn from someone how you can do so many of these skill building tasks at home, in your home and you get to become the expert with your child. Like, I think it’s so empowering for parents. And I think it’s like, it’s it, to me, it feels more effective than traditional occupational therapy in a lot of ways. I don’t know if you agree with this.

2 (29m 29s):
I mean, I think there’s definitely, you know, a time and place for the clinic or traditional therapy, four, you know, a lot of kids. But I also think a lot of times I feel like especially right now with COVID and everything, I feel like, you know, trying to fit in and we’re also over-programmed over-scheduled anyway, but now we are trying to fit in another two appointments during the week or three appointments, whatever many more of like packing up, not just one kid, but the siblings two. And so right now it’s like, okay, pack up all the kids and we want to go into the clinic and then the other two or three, you got to wait in the car with mom. And then it’s a miserable our for mom and the car and the siblings are miserable and then everyone’s screaming and crying.

2 (30m 11s):
And then she gets her kid who has been in OT and they go home and it’s like, okay. But I still don’t really know what to do with my kid. And now everyone’s stressed out and tired and it, you know, instead of one hour, a day, it’s been three hours of your day has been hijacked by going to these appointments. And like I said, for some kids, it’s very valid and of course it and all of that. But for these kids who have behavior issues, I find that we can really address those in the home. And it’s not, I feel like the more power, powerful work is an address in addressing the whole family dynamic because we’re not addressing things for just one kid. Right. We are addressing things for the entire family and all of the kids because Mastermind Parenting is designed for all kids, not designed just for kids with behavior issues.

2 (30m 57s):
Right. And so I think, you know, like I said before, early part of my career, before I had kids, I’m like, Oh, you gotta do this phone program. You gotta do this. Like, you know, sensory diet, you got to do this, whatever. And the parents were like, hang on. I’m just trying to like, keep my head above water. I’m just trying to keep my kids like, literally, like I’m just trying to keep them alive all day. Right. I’m exhausted. By the time I get them in bed, I can actually go to sleep. But with Mastermind, Mastermind what appealed to me about it. And especially me as a mom, like I started at Mastermind after a house in flooded during a hurricane Harvey, it had been a year pure hell, quite honestly. And I feel like my Parenting was not where I wanted it to be. I felt like, because I was living under so much stress.

2 (31m 40s):
My kids were suffering because of that. So for me, it came to me at the perfect time of, I just, I, and I, as you know, I, I mean, that’s my job. That’s what I do. Like I teach parents this stuff. Right. But I couldn’t do it at home in that time. Like as much as I wanted too, because of the overwhelming amount of stress. So for me, Mastermind was like this reboot of like, okay, I get back to all of the basis of the things, you know, but it helps you implement it too, which is why it’s more efficient. Right? Because its not like added on, okay, you need to do this home for a program. You needed to do this. And it’s like, literally like, this is how you design your morning routine. And this is how you design your night routine. And this is how, you know, all of the things from the time you wake up in the morning at the time you go to bed at night.

2 (32m 23s):
So its not like extra work. I mean you obviously you have to do the work that like it’s not extra. It’s just again, like I feel like it, his OT, it’s like skill’s for the job of living, but so well the job yet, it’s like, this is how we’re going to help you become more efficient in your home. I want to be more efficient at your home. Everyone’s calmer. And then everybody thrives. Right. It just, people thrive on calm central nervous system. So,

1 (32m 47s):
Well it’s like, I mean, I’m all about the hack, you know, I’m all about like, I mean it was why I love yoga cuz I’m like, you know, and like if I do a really rigorous sweaty yoga, it’s like an exercise or a meditation therapy or a massage or like, and sometimes that can do all that in like a 45 minute lunchtime class, like after 40 I’m, like I just accomplished so much in 45 minutes. So I love a half

2 (33m 16s):
Where we’re working smarter, not harder. Right.

1 (33m 20s):
And then we’re just, and we’re being more efficient and I feel like, you know, we’re not a hundred percent sure what it, like when I said at the beginning of the episode, we just know that something came together and there is some magic happening and I’m, and we’re in process right now. Like don’t you feel like that like we’re in process, we can’t even a a hundred percent described were I’m like, is it DIY OT at home? Like, like why are people getting such big results, but even more so I guess I’m kind of, it’s, it’s a little scary because I know that the Western medical community, our, our allies, right?

1 (34m 6s):
Like we’re both working. So we’re working with the Western, you know, like the pediatricians, like I need the pediatrician’s to be telling parents, Hey, listen, there’s nothing wrong with your kid. And there’s something to figure out. And here are some resources that will help you get the ball rolling. And we’re, we don’t need to talk about medication or child psychiatry yet. Like that’s not where we are. Let’s just slow it, slow it, the freak down. Right? So like the Western medical community, they are our allies and what our kids need is for all of us grownups, you know, all of us grownups to get together and to bring all of our brilliant brains and skillsets to the table and work together on their behalf and to speak to each other and to communicate and to realize this is a collaborative process, like were all working together on their behalf.

1 (35m 8s):
And so there’s something about, I think me and you, what we have kind of identified is that when we come together and you have your skillset and I have my skillset and all we do all the time is collaborate, collaborate, collaborate. And lo and behold, like families are having a lot of big results very quickly. And so we’re kind of trying to like, like what I guess I, the listeners to understand is that we’re sharing our process with you. Like, we don’t know exactly what this is yet, but we know we’re onto something

2 (35m 47s):
And unfolding very organically as we go. I feel like, I feel like our members’ are the gist, like the best measurement have that of like, wow, like I, you know, this works. I have been to all of these specialists and all of these places and different school programs and different private schools and whatever. And like nothing’s worked and this has worked like I’ve gotten dramatic results in like come on or whatever.

1 (36m 18s):
But the other thing is, is we refer people like, that’s the thing where I say like, it’s not linear, you know, we’re P right. We’re we’re when, when people come to us, then from us quite often, we’re like, there’s something to figure out. I mean, like, think about the people who recently you sent them to get the sleep study done. And it turns out their child who’s they have this child has two parents that are, you know, are basically doctors and, you know, Western medicine, Western medical, professional parents, and, you know, he was having behaviors. But the truth of it was he needed a sleep study on which turned out that he had to get his tonsils and adenoids taken out.

1 (37m 3s):
And it was something medical, but it’s just like it was being missed. And so,

2 (37m 9s):
Yeah, so right. There are some people start to focus on the behavior issues and is this ADHD and chronically sleep deprived, kids show up as ADHD kids, even though it’s not really ADHD. Right. And so, yeah, I rely very heavily on traditional, you know, Western medical doctors and neurologists, psychologists, ENT a psychiatrist, you know, there, there is a time and a place. I just think sometimes parents get sat down this rabbit hole of go here in the doctor’s like, you don’t see anything. And then it was like, well, go here, go here, go here. And then people get to the point where they’re like, okay, I’m tired of spending money and I’m tired of not getting results.

2 (37m 48s):
Right. And so a lot of times I feel like we can just like step back and be like, okay, hang on. Let’s do some of the investigation before we just do this. Like, Hey, we’re just gonna test for everything on the other side and go to every professional. And like, we’re just going to like, like, I call it like a dark board approach where you feel like you’re throwing a dart. And you’re like, hoping that it lands somewhere of like something important. Right. And it’s like, we don’t want shot in the dark type of therapy. Like we want very targeted. Like this is what my child gets. This is what my family needs. And there’s no one better than, you know, traditionally trained medical professionals who know what they’re doing, but you’ve got to get to the right professional. Right. Its like, you know, it’s like, if you have a food allergy, you know, you don’t do testings.

2 (38m 31s):
So your just like avoiding all of the food groups and you’re like still slow. I’m like sick the time. Okay. Well that’s because you don’t really know which food group like your, your actual allergic to dairy and you eliminate it all the other food groups, but like you’re still eating dairy. Right. So like it doesn’t work until, or unless it’s targeted for what you want, what you need, what your goals are. Right. So we got to get to the right people at the right time.

1 (38m 54s):
Oh a a a hundred, I mean a a a hundred percent. Okay. Well we’re going to take a pause and then come back with part two and part two. And I think we’ve pretty much identified this professional Gap, which is we want the professionals out there to just realize that before we pull out the big guns, let’s, let’s slow it down. Remind parents to take a breath. There’s nothing wrong with their kid and go in and check out some parenting resources. Let’s see what we can, how we can effect our kids and help them and support them by doing certain things at home before we start going down this whole diagnostic path.

1 (39m 38s):
So, so the professional Gap The, Strong, Willed Child Gap, which really is what I want to touch on more in our next episode, which is what’s really going on with these kids. And when we talk about getting to the root of the behavior, I wanted you to share some stories. And the next episode, especially the one, the first story I ever heard you share, which I don’t even know if you know what I’m going to bring up, but the first story I ever heard you share of like, what’s really going on with these kids. And let’s like, see where the child was and where they get to. So we can kind of, you know, hear a success story or two.

1 (40m 19s):
So that’s what we’re going to get to in the next day

0 (40m 21s):
Episode, Hey guys, I made something for you. It’s a free training. I put my best stuff in it. And it is managing meltdowns to have a more joyful holiday season, especially if you have a moody or strong-willed kid. So it is about an hour long training. I think it is some of the best stuff. And I think we all could use a little extra help during this crazy year. So it’s available to you. All you have to do is go to Mastermind forward slash holidays. That’s Mastermind Parenting dot com forward slash holidays.

0 (41m 3s):
And you will get instant access to this webinar because I want all of you to have a happy holiday season. So whether your kid is two or 12 or 15, you all deserve to have a beautiful memories during this crazy year. So just know you’ll get three things from this webinar you’re going to have, you’re going to learn how I believe you can have a holiday mural. We know where your table is actually conversational, peaceful, and meltdown free. I’m gonna cover a plan for a grateful, rather than bratty entitled behavior. When it comes to presence, candy and special treats and a method that works now in long-term to help your child improve future behavior.

0 (41m 46s):
So I hope you sign up for it. And I would love to know if you find that helpful and give me some updates. I want to hear from you guys. Okay. Mastermind Parenting dot com slash holidays.

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by Randi Rubenstein