142: Convo with a Mastermind Couple Part 2

0 (1s):
My name is Randi Rubenstein and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast at Mastermind Parenting we’re on a mission to support strong-willed kids and the families that love them. You’re listening to

1 (13s):
So the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode one 42. Welcome, welcome. Welcome. How are you guys doing, digging into January, 2021 today on the Podcast we have Part two of the conversation I have with Mastermind Couple Brian and Carley they are our inaugural VIP Mastermind Couple meaning there. The first couple that we took through on a one-on-one way where we developed this program with tons of, of one-on-one support and just had the opportunity to really get to know them well and be a fly on the wall of their lives and in their household.

1 (55s):
And we invited them on the podcast because what was revealed to us after we started working with them and we were, they were kind of deep into the process is that Brian is a physical therapist and Carley is a pediatrician. So you heard from them last week and got to know them a little bit, you know, personally, in terms of what was going on with them as parents of two out of three strong-willed children. And it was just very interesting once we found out that, especially Carly was a pediatrician and Brian kind of let the cat out of the bag. So you will hear a little bit more about this and how she really, you know, she was like, I just want to be a regular parent.

1 (1m 37s):
Like I don’t want to be spoken to differently because I happened to be a pediatrician. I, you know, she was dealing with all of the things that all of us have struggled with when you’ve given birth to a strong willed child. And so she wanted to learn new tools and she knew she, she knew that it was the solution. And so she didn’t want to have her expert hat on while she was in student mode. And, and so I think this is going to be a really impactful conversation to sort of be a fly on the wall of, because you’ll hear Carley and Brian, and me and Amanda, who worked with me in the mastermind, who’s also a therapist to really talk about what’s going on in terms of these kids in high sensitivity and lagging skills and what the real solution to meltdowns is.

1 (2m 31s):
I think that you’re going to feel like you get to experience what doctors and therapists and child development professionals discuss sort of behind the scenes when your not in their office or not in their office with their child, like what they talk about amongst themselves. And I think that you’re just, you’re really going to get a lot out of this episode. So I’m excited for you to hear and enjoy what was

2 (3m 0s):
The tool that y’all were like, okay, Whoa, wow. That worked well. You have the simple things were just, we realized that she needs the boundaries. And so, you know, as far as, you know, bedtime routines, knowing what to expect. And when we, you know, we, we had this habit that during the week, things maybe a little bit more structured, but on the weekends they weren’t at all. And we would wonder why, gosh, you have this family of time on the weekends. Why is it going so terribly? And so, you know, so much of what we worked at in the beginning was just buttoning up our routines and that just made her feel safe at the world of her having or her having those boundaries in our home. And so you think that was a quick win

3 (3m 37s):
Communication wise. We started empathizing and like seeing her perspective, like come in at, at, at When when she came to us with those big feelings, instead of just dismissing it away, we started, we started just empathizing and repeating back what she says and that, that made a big difference. I think it just made her feel a little bit safer. And so that when we have the routine starts to button up and you start to actually get the right amount of sleep that she needed, that just pretty quickly started making a big change. And one thing Carley was really good at was coming back at like nonproductive time. So if we had like a, a rough night, Carley just realize that, you know, she is really, our oldest is really easy to communicate with first thing in the morning.

3 (4m 20s):
And so Carley would come back to that non PRODUCTIVE time and be able to have a really good conversation.

2 (4m 25s):
Oh, we were playing a non-relevant time PRODUCTIVE conversation PRODUCTIVE cause it was at a time.

3 (4m 34s):
And then that just set us up for a much better day, instead of those were some really quick changes. And then, but then you think about like a workout program or something where you see some really quick results early, but then you maybe just start to start to plateau you don’t, you’re not as intuitive as intense about it. So you started to fall back on, you start to lose some strength to start to gain some weight because you’re not into it. And so as, as, as we just started going along, we started to just come, we’re still doing okay, but we started plateau and, and we started having some rollercoaster rides with, with it because we, we fell out of it. And that’s where I think some of your firm in some of your additional stuff to really start helping with the awareness and the boundaries program, it allowed us to, to kind of dig in deeper.

3 (5m 17s):
And I think that’s, you know, the surface stuff, the, the quick, the quick things that we could do to help us early were good. But then we weren’t when we weren’t like digging in and starting to get into what what’s being brought up with us and bring him back, you know, what does it in our past that is not allowing us to Q-tip like Carley was saying, that’s what we are still kind of working through. That’s going to help us kind of on the long run. Yeah. It’s like, you know, the basics, but it, that, that, that’s not, it is, you know, you got to have, you got to have more to it.

2 (5m 50s):
Are you ever talks about it? Like you’re just coming in your parents’ have a strong-willed kid and nobody’s talking about what anybody does

1 (5m 58s):
For a living. I don’t ask for a very specific reason. I want it there to be a level playing field. I don’t want anyone to have they’re, you know, looking at my fancy resume hat on. I just want, you know, we want, we have a problem and we are trying to solve it, which is helping these strong-willed kids be able to do better. And so that’s my, I is on that price. So towards the end of, of the basics program, Bryan, you said to us, you’ll let the cat out of the bag, what you guys do for a living. And if you will just tell our listeners a little bit about that and what y’all do for a living and what you may be kind of shared what you share with us.

1 (6m 42s):
I remember we were talking about Carley and what you shared with me and Amanda about Carley.

3 (6m 49s):
Yeah. I just sort of dropped it because they dropped it in to a conversation because I’m, it just was irrelevant at the time. But I work as an outpatient physical therapist and an outpatient orthopedic setting. So primarily dealing with kinda of teenagers to adults. And so I just started seeing a lot of this stuff that we were learning, you guys were teaching us. It was just paralleling and paralleling with what I was seeing in my profession. So I would just drop that into conversation. And and Carley is a inpatient pediatrician and we both and Carley is, is very humble and has always wanted to just be a mom when it comes to be a parent, when it comes to the kids, she, ah, there’s a reason why we have our own pediatrician for our kids.

3 (7m 41s):
She never wants to play Dr. Dirk kids, ’cause she? She wants to B parent mom first. Uhm, and so she sometimes humbling. I have to say, you don’t want to let people know that she’s an awesome a pediatrician and what she does. And so I’ve just started making a note of, of the differences or the similarities that I see in my work and how, what I was learning in the BASIX program. I was a actually hoping to start to bring it to some of my work specifically when it came to like empathizing with, with patients and seeing their perspective and really realizing that most of the patients that we’re seeing that’s really, that’s really what they need. That’s really what they want to leave. May have seen a number of professionals before they got to me and haven’t been heard, haven’t really been able to tell their story and I’m fortunate enough to be in a setting and have the time to sit with patients for longer than most professionals and kind of get to know their story and get to know them and empathize and And with them.

3 (8m 40s):
And so that’s kind of what led me to, to start talking about my work and, and, and, and go from there.

1 (8m 51s):
And, and so, and I thought it was interesting when you shared, first of it was a very sweet cause it was like a husband bragging on his wife, you know, where it was like, listen, this is really, I mean, we loved it because you were like, I’m taking these tools and it’s already affecting me professionally. And I say that all the time in the Mastermind like these, or these are our coaching tools. These are life skills. These are tools that yes, you get your household in order, help your kid. But you’re going to say, this is going to change who you are. It’s going to change your career is going to change your relationship in your life.

1 (9m 31s):
So when you validated that, you know, I was loving that, but then you went on to say, I don’t know if y’all know, but my wife is, is a pediatrician and she is a rockstar pediatrician. And there’s a lot of pressure. Like when you’re a pediatrician, you sort of like a, you know, there’s a lot of pressure that your like the knower of all things, child development. So, so it can, it can feel, I think extra daunting when you are the expert and you have a child that you just are scratching your head and saying, how can I help this child do better?

1 (10m 16s):
You know, and be more cooperative and feel happier and all of the things. And so that added pressure of which was like, Oh, like Carley wanted to be anonymous because she wants to learn these tools. And she knows she needs to, to learn these tools, but she also, you know, it can feel, I don’t know. Carley maybe tell us a little bit about how did it, how does it feel as the pediatrician who you were like, I don’t have all the answers. I have things to learn.

2 (10m 41s):
Yeah. I feel like, you know, when people do know what I do on the front end, they sort of talked to me differently. And I can’t say that about you guys because I didn’t do it that way. I didn’t, you know, we were all the way through basics before Brian let the cat out of the bag, but I feel like a lot of times they’re seeing said like, well, you already know this because you’re a pediatrician or you, and you know, and especially when it comes to your own children, I think, I think pediatricians are lifelong learners and will be the first to admit. There’s always something that, that I stand to learn. But I think that people just kind of make this assumption that they don’t need to say, even if it’s their specific area of expertise, they don’t need to say it because you, you must already know it.

2 (11m 21s):
You know? And then I feel like I missed out on that and also feel like I missed out on the messaging that they give to all of their other families. And so when I do go to, you know, see someone with my kids and they know I’m a pediatrician already, I’ll often say, please talk to me like I’m a mom, you know, don’t feel like you have to say anything any differently. I really want to hear what you say to all of your patients, because I feel like, you know, I miss out on things when people just sort of make the assumption that I already know all these things. So I do think that there is, I just worry that people, that they have this amazing. And that’s why there in the role of that they are. And that sometimes I lose some of that because they have this feeling that they shouldn’t share those things because, because I must just already know.

1 (12m 4s):
And I think, I think that’s why I don’t really ask people a lot of times. What, what do you do? I’ll never forget when I was teaching a parenting class, like years and years and years ago, there was a dad who, and it was, it was, there was a lot about the brain and it was, you know, it was about, it was a conscious discipline Parenting class. So, you know, it was a curriculum that was meant for teachers. And there’s a lot about neuroscience and the brain. And I had some dad that was like a neuroscientist, you know, like, like he, like when I was talking about the prefrontal cortex, you know, like he was, so that’s when I started talking about the thinking brain, the emotional brain.

1 (12m 45s):
And then like when you were in the trunk, like, I really was like, okay, I can’t even pretend I’m in a position to be using all of the technical terms. I’m just going to use like real people language. Cause that’s how I understand it. But yeah, it did make me feel self conscious because it was like, Oh gosh, this guy is gonna think, you know, he is going to sit here and we want to correct me. And I really made a conscious effort not to ask people what they like. Let’s just all be parents who have a strong-willed,

2 (13m 14s):
But that’s something that crushing to take it out of the, that terminology and to just sort of let yourself relax and, and absorb the information that you need to absorb rather than sort of, you know, I think all of the other ways of saying it are just distractions.

1 (13m 31s):
Well, yeah. I mean maybe, I don’t know. I think, I think for me it was like, I don’t wanna feel like a fraud. I don’t want to feel like I’m trying to pretend I didn’t go to school for 10 years and become a neuroscientist. I just know that I have this difficult kid and I started learning about what was going on in his brain and body and what was going on in my brain and body. It helped me to have more patience and to ultimately help him feel more understood and it works. So I think they have to share this with people, you know? And so just really stepping out of that self-consciousness and ego, and I don’t have anything to prove. I mean, I still do this all the time on lots of things like, okay, I don’t have anything to prove.

1 (14m 12s):
I’m just, I just want to help people, you know, because I think so often we can get stuck in that, in that place. And it makes us feel inhibited. One of the things we’ve talked about is, you know, I was saying, I love that you guys are sort of our dream family and we love working with you. And I think a lot of it is that you came to the table knowing what you know, but also knowing what you don’t know. And I think there’s a gap in terms of when you have one of these kids and you’re starting to understand that two and three, that when you look at in the preschool class or the birthday party or at the park or wherever it is, and you’re a child is having just a concern consistently a difficult time.

1 (15m 1s):
And it seems like all of these other kids are not consistently having a difficult time and you start to worry, I think, and tell me if you disagree or, or if this confirms were, you guys were, I think the first Avenue of who you reach out to an ask for support from or pick their brain is your pediatrician. What do you all think about that?

2 (15m 22s):
Yeah, I do. And that, and that’s, that’s what I, I did initially. And it’s funny, you’ve made the comment before about, I think I did exactly what it is not the right thing to do and, and dropped a big, important question at a, a visit that was about totally something different. And I think pediatricians are under a lot of pressure in their offices. You know, their appointments are 15 minutes long and they’ll, you know, they really, you know, when you come for a specific reason, they, they haven’t scheduled in their day just about that right. Amount of time. And they have lots of other people who are waiting for their skill and expertise. And so you kind of come in and drop, This pay this as we went on with my kid, you have any suggestions and there’s just not really the time to dig into all of those things.

2 (16m 6s):
And I think, I think our pediatrician and I actually did it so eloquently. I think it’s really difficult to make the suggestion that you should look into how you’re parenting your child. I think it’s important that that’s probably a pediatrician that you have a relationship with and not someone that you’ve seen one time. And I think that that even pediatricians who are skilled in doing that and in the right way, you know, you still sort of worry about the risk of offending someone, but that’s the gift that he gave to me was when I, when I did something that was annoying, where I asked a really big question and a 15 minute visit, that was for something completely different because he knows me so well, he was able to make this general suggestion.

2 (16m 49s):
And he recommended a book which was, you know, sort of, part of that journey that I was talking about, that we went on and sort of led us to this place of, of discovery and ultimately to finding what put all of the pieces together through your program. And so I think that the pediatric office is a great place to get that start, but, and, and I think it would be important to hear for Brian on this part. Cause I think he sees it a lot with his, his patients to, but I think that the expectation that you can go in and ask an off-handed question and there going to give you this, you know, a quick fix where you don’t have to do any work as the parent is not really a fair expectation,

1 (17m 28s):
They are helping you with everything. And so you go to your pediatrician, who is your resource, your Parenting your child, your expert, that’s your resource. And you go to them and you drop a bomb of something that you’re actually really worried about, but it’s not on your radar to make a separate appointment. Just for that, just to talk about the behavioral issues that are going on, because maybe if the pediatrician had some time, if they had the whole 15 minutes to say, okay, this sounds like behavioral. And when it comes to, you know, it being a behavioral issue, we have a couple of different avenues. And before I send you to the equivalent of a back doctor, who’s going to put you in for surgery, you know, before I send you to the child psychologist or, or a child psychiatrist, what if you tried some things at home and we got You, you know, learning some things that you can start doing at home, like, you know, to positive choices and, and really understanding how is your child wired.

1 (18m 32s):
Cause these behavioral things, it’s not an exact science and you actually are the expert on your child. And even if you don’t feel like it yet, you’re gonna be so lets get you the resources to help you to go that route. I don’t think that that’s happening. I think that’s a gap that I really kind of went to identify it because I think at the end of the day, when pediatricians start to be able to fully say to parents, Hey listen, this, this falls under the behavioral category. And I know like you might be worried. It’s like, this is what the thing that’s come out with. I think a lot of parents is before you go thinking there’s something wrong with your kid. There’s a lot, there’s lots of things we can learn about.

1 (19m 14s):
And I’m here for you. I’m here to support you. And these are the resources. This is the book. This is the Parenting program. These are the things that I’ve actually explored in my own personal life. So then all of a sudden that pediatrician is also saying to the parent, I’m not going to bruise your ego here. Bye bye telling you you’re a bad parent or you know, this is supposed to come naturally. I’m telling you, I have sought these resources at my personal life and this is what I would recommend for you. You know? And I think that that would carry a lot of weight with the families because that’s who you trust. Right. You know?

1 (19m 54s):
And so that’s kind of the paradigm I would like to change is I want the pediatricians knowing that you can, you know, that there is a resource to recommend before you send the family to the back doctor.

2 (20m 9s):
Well, and I sort of looked at it, you know, similar to like a lactation consultant, you know, and we have three kids and then it was sort of a similar source of, of guilt and shame for me as a new mom, because we had a lot of breastfeeding difficulties with all three of our kids, but particularly the first. And it was kinda that I should know how to do this, you know, and I, and I, I think you can make the analogy of the lactation consultant were, you know, they have the time to dig in and they have the specific expertise. They have the experience of seeing multiple, you know, mom’s with all of the difficulties from all of the different offices, all over town and have tried, you know, done trial and error to help those folks. So I think that that’s a good, that’s been a good analogy for me in thinking about how you guys have supplemented, you know, sort of my, my background, pediatric training.

2 (20m 55s):
And, and I think too, you know, I have looked up just in preparation for this conversation, what, you know, bright futures and the American Academy of pediatric policy says about discipline and that sort of thing. And all of this fits right into that. You know, I mean it it’s, but when it adds is the personal touch, the stories that help it make sense, the not letting you put down in the book in the crisis moment, you know, and just the support that goes along with it. And, and that isn’t, that isn’t something that can be done, you know, even in a 15 minute office visit every week. I mean, that’s just, it just takes time and it takes work and, and I think it would be really refreshing to just about any pediatrician for a parent to come and say, Hey, I’ve got some behavior concerns about my kid.

2 (21m 40s):
I also know I have a lot of things to learn as a parent. What research can you, can you recommend, you know, where can I go to, to get good, solid information that that’s, that’s going to be helpful and that’s going to be productive for our family. So I think it’s just such a, it’s been such a, just a beautiful compliment for us to just to help us pull it all together.

1 (21m 59s):
Yeah. And, you know, look, my real dream is that there will be Mastermind, mentor’s like Amanda, maybe like Brian working with the teenage population who are occupational therapists, physical therapists, possibly, you know, speech therapists. So people who have had a lot of training And and have gone to a lot at school and a lot of continuing ed. Cause I know y’all have to do all of that crazy continuing at every year, who I think the real experts in these behavioral issues, when it comes to child development who are now understanding And and have done the learning in terms of understanding that the Mastermind recipe and then marry the two together and are able to work with parents in a one-on-one way.

1 (22m 59s):
I really see that as the future, because we’ve already witnessed, I mean, y’all experienced it when y’all came in and you worked with us as a team. Can you speak a little bit to working with Amanda as somebody who is, you know, now well informed about everything about the whole Mastermind recipe, plus the fact that she has had a history of being, you know, an occupational therapist, a pediatric occupational therapist for 20 years, what was it like for you guys to work one-on-one with her?

2 (23m 30s):
Yeah, so Amanda, it was a God sent to us for not just our oldest, but our real as well, because we, this was like a, you know, something we didn’t realize going in that there would be, you know, we went in with the intention of kind of giving that, giving us and help with our oldest, but then just having some conversations in some one-on-one them with Amanda, she helped direct us with our, with our middle kid who was having some sleep issues and she directed us. This was a perfect example of I’m going to have someone like Amanda first, who then could refer us to a specialist because what, we ended up figuring out what our middle of his sleep issues were, some results of just some ENT issues. So we went to the ENT and a sleep specialist and ended up getting some help with him that has now resulted in him sleeping much better, and just doing so much better with some of his is issues.

2 (24m 20s):
And so it, it was just a God-send too, to be able to get into this program with the hope of helping with our oldest and in heaven, her expert opinion to let, to help us to know that, Hey, you need to take care of the basics, but here’s how you take care of the basics. You got to take care of the sleep. And there’s a real issue that we need to take care of it. And she was up to, to direct us on, she tied it back to his behavior. I mean, that, that was the key was, you know, we were saying, you know, we are having these types of behavior problems. And, and I remember Amanda, you even asked me what I thought about being asleep. I has gone. I mean, I don’t, I don’t really think so. And, and she just sort of encouraged me. I really, you know, try these things to, but I really think that maybe you should consider getting them evaluated. And sure enough, we went and saw a pediatric sleep medicine specialist in got a sleep study and he had obstructive sleep apnea and, and a real medical reason that, that we needed to investigate for his behavior.

2 (25m 9s):
So I think it is a perfect example and it has in his sleep as much improved. And his behavior has also been, he did not have tonsils and adenoids out on the actually they realized that his little nose was almost completely obstructed from a small, and then he had a lot of edema in there. So they actually did a little nasal surgery to open up his nasal passages, which probably helps more than anything. And so I think that’s a perfect example of how this all just kind of works together is that she was getting us all of these amazing, amazing tools as well to help them. But she was also saying there is a medical aspect of this too. And I really think that you guys should pursue this and investigate it. And I think that’s, you know, a good example of how, you know, Brian would see a patient with the musculoskeletal problem and say, Hey, this is, there’s more to it than this.

2 (25m 53s):
You know, you really need to get this checked out, but sort of, but so many things, you know, don’t need to go that far and certainly don’t need to start there. And so I think that’s what has been so helpful for us is to, to start a basic and then really figure out what are the real things that we need to, you know, go further, investigate more and what can we just really work on at home in ourselves first as, or a compliment, all of that.

4 (26m 14s):
It’s really the perfect example of every professional complimenting each other. Because I, I did not know you’re a pediatrician at the time that I recommended for your time and go see a specialist. And had I known that I probably wouldn’t have recommended it cause I would have assumed that y’all had the top of that or whatever. And then, and when I found out it was like, gosh, and it was like, did I say anything that was like really dumb or a linguist? Like she did not say that. Right. You know, but y’all, or the best. But I think to me as a professional, I really, for the pediatricians working in the insurance model, which most our, because behavior’s such a tricky, difficult thing to figure out, and it’s not a 15 minute visit.

4 (26m 55s):
It’s not even like 10, 15 minute visits because there could be a gastric reflux going on. There could be, you know, tonsils and adenoids or whatever, sort of, you know, ENT sorta thing going on. There can be a little seizure is going on in that aren’t the parents, the parents, and I mean sleep issues or like so common, but you know, impossible to diagnose in a 15 minute visit. I mean, it just requires so much history and background and ongoing conversations. Like, you know, we all have like, Brian Carla, you have the three of us had, I mean, this was over a month of figuring this out. This was not like a short conversation. It was like, okay, give me the history on this. Okay. Will that work? That didn’t okay. Now what is going on now?

4 (27m 35s):
What’s going on in like very slowly over time coming to the conclusion of like, Hey, I think there’s something else going on here. And that’s almost impossible. I feel like for pediatricians in that 15 minute visit model, because it’s like, okay, I’m going to ask you all of these questions and I need to follow up with you. And quite honestly, most parents don’t want to go in and do all this follow-up does it cause it’s expensive. And a lot of times their insurance isn’t covering those separate visits. And so I think it’s like so cool to be able to work together with other healthcare professionals, whether it’s the ENT or a neurologist or pediatrician or whoever, because we all need each others help because you know, just the way the models are set up.

4 (28m 15s):
Now, it’s a very difficult to like spend that much time and energy and effort. And usually when parents go in and parents are wanting treatment for their symptoms, right. The kid’s symptoms, they’re not looking at like the root cause because parents are like, I just want it to get better. I just want the meltdowns to stop. I just want the behavior’s to get better. You know, like with your middle it’s like, we’re seeing all these behavior issues and I’m like, well, you didn’t have before it was getting worse, like something’s changed. But even

5 (28m 41s):
If you are a very

4 (28m 44s):
Highly trained professionals as a parent, it’s a very difficult to see if things in your own child. And I knew this because I went to the exact same thing with my oldest and I took them to the neurologist when he was for, and he was like, yeah, I have to get some sleep issues. I’m like, no, no, no. He sleeps all night. He’s fine. And he was like, he’s not, but okay. You know, and we did sleep study and he was like that. I mean, he never went into REM sleep all day long. So it was causing all these massive developmental delays, behavioral issues and all of these things. So like, I could not see it for life of me because when you see your child, you know, on a routine basis every day, that’s just their normal. Right. So it’s very hard to see that. And then obviously you’re not going to bring it up with the pediatrician, cause they’re not concerned about the sleep.

4 (29m 25s):
You’re like, no, it was like sign, you know? And so it, it’s a very, I think very difficult for the pediatrician’s to be able to see this unfold because they’re just getting a little snippets and they just don’t have the time to do this ongoing care for, I mean, it took a full month for us to figure that out. And so, and then I think too, from the parent coaching standpoint of like, you know, Randi one thing like people ask me about all the time. It was like, Hey, can you do more of webinars on meltdowns? And I’m like, no, no more meltdowns. But of course, because like that’s only treating the symptoms. Like I don’t want to talk about meltdowns anymore. Like it’s not really going to help you. It’s got to make me feel better in the moment. Kind of, not really. Cause by the time she had a meltdown, it’s like it’s too late. We got to go. You know, that the goal is to prevent the meltdowns, to figure out why are they are so many meltdowns?

4 (30m 8s):
So what’s the behavior leading up to the meltdown. But like mostly parents are showing up to professionals asking to treat symptoms. Cause that’s really what they feel like is going to make their lives better when really what is going to make their life better than the family dynamic easier. I’m more peaceful and more calm his doing the hard work. And gosh, you guys like showed up so open and vulnerable and ready to learn, ready to dig in and do the hard work that it just made it so easy. Cause it was like, okay, what do we do? You know? There was no, Oh, we already tried that. It didn’t work. It was like, okay, just tell us what to do and we’ll do it and y’all did it. But like that’s why we all have such good results and not have it with your oldest, but with your middle child too, when you’re like, okay, like as we’re doing this, we’re recognizing these other things that are going on.

4 (30m 50s):
And EV everyone was looking at like the root cause not like we were just going to treat it like this specific behavior, you know? So

1 (30m 57s):
A root cause the root cause the investigative piece of, Hm, well, let’s try it. You know, it’s like, we gotta throw a lot of spaghetti at the wall, you know? Like, like let’s figure out the root cause. And then once we get to the root cause then we can talk about a treatment plan. Right. And, and, Oh, well maybe I need to get a sleep study. We want you to go get evaluated by an ENT. But there was a lot of investigation that went, you know, into that. And I think, you know, we live in such a quick fix society, instant gratification, me to get it. Yes.

1 (31m 37s):
That I think it’s like, yeah, it’s like my husband with the back issue, you know, typically, you know, you go to a back doctor and they were like, yeah, you’re going to need surgery. You got a herniated disc, you know, when can I start cutting? And he’s, my husband is averse to risk and is very methodical and research oriented. And when he did the research and he, and when I went to a physical therapist and he started, he realized, he was like, well, I actually need to build up all of these muscles that are going to help compensate for my herniated discs in my back. But whenever he, who will tell you that whenever he’s told people with back issues over the years, Oh, you got to do the blah, blah, blah exercise.

1 (32m 23s):
And I have this one back machine and then you get, you know, get several bags of frozen peas, you know? And he’s like, I’ve told so many people and not one of them has done it. And it’s because like, nobody really wants to admit this, but maybe it’s just easier to go and, you know, get cut on. And they recover from surgery then to put in the hard work of building up all these muscles around it. And I think that’s the same thing here with our kids. It’s like, you know, who can I send my kid to? That’s going to tell them how to process their big feelings. I’m not going to do one thing differently at home. I’m not going to do the heavy lifting and building up those muscles.

1 (33m 4s):
And so you, I think Amanda, what you’re saying really is people want to treat symptoms. People want to know what it is. It the way it is the one to three magic work with meltdowns. Is that the best tool? And you’re like slow down. You know, we did some serious investigation here. Yep.

4 (33m 22s):
Probably I would say like in Brian you probably identify with this and probably a Carley YouTube at like, I don’t know how to be good. Like 75% of my job is in investigation, you know? And it’s like, figuring out what’s going on. And then you’re like, Oh, okay. This makes sense. Now that we know, and this is what we’re going to do with it. But the, you know, that’s 25% of it, 75% of the time, I feel like we spent on OK, like what’s going on in why and how, and when, and putting all of the pieces together, you know, it’s,

1 (33m 48s):
I have the time I’ll call you the kid whisper because whenever you do interact with kids, it’s like just the way that you interact and engage with them and how they instantly trust you as amazing. So your kid whispered, but your also like the kid is sleuth. ’cause you figure things out, Amanda. Like, I just, it, it is unbelievable, but it is the investigative piece. And you have so much knowledge about like, well, it could be this, but it could be that I don’t know. And I’m always like, okay, it’s This and you’re like, Oh, it might not be, you know, this has been a great conversation. I want to thank all of you guys for so much time.

1 (34m 32s):
And I know that Amanda has got three kids Brian and Carley, it’s the holiday time. They have three littles to career’s a whole big life. So thank you for taking the time. Cause I know that all of your here, because you want to help other people and just, you know, this is it, you know, it’s almost like the domino effect. The more we we share what has worked for us, the more other people will also get those results. And it just exponentially grows. And ultimately I think helps all highly sensitive humans, which supposedly that’s 20% of the population.

1 (35m 15s):
I think it’s more, 20% of a population has gone through life feeling like there’s something wrong with them or they’re, or less than in some way, or they shouldn’t feel as big or a strongly. And so, so the mission really is to help kids who are wired in this way at a much earlier stage, then many of the adults have been able to receive the support that has just helped them to feel more self-aware and whole and healthy. And like, there’s nothing wrong with me. There’s nothing wrong with the three members of my family because the restaurant was overstimulating and they don’t really want to go back there.

1 (36m 1s):
There’s nothing wrong with them that they’re not the ideal, you know, client for that restaurant. It was, it was, you know, it, it was too much for that. And that’s okay like that. That’s what the world is supposed to be made up of all different kinds of people. And so, you know, there’s nothing wrong with me. And I think that the underlying worry that most of us who have a highly sensitive child or strong-willed child, and we first reached out to our pediatrician in that two year old appointment and drop a little bomb when they’re getting checked for an ear. Infection is really the worry of, is there something wrong with my kid?

1 (36m 42s):
Should I be concerned here? And so knowing now what you know is your, do you think there’s anything wrong with your kid?

2 (36m 51s):
No, I think there was something wrong with us and now we know how to see absolutely is going to be okay. And we are learning the, the parenting skills that work best for her in that has been such a blessing. Are you still worried about her teenage years? We’re all worried about it. They would say that the teenage years feel daunting, but I don’t think I’m any more worried about her teenagers than I am my children. I have a third of that. Whereas previously I think I thought they were compared to a year or two years ago.

2 (37m 34s):
Two years ago, I would have said, Oh gosh, you know, I’m really worried that this will be terrible comparatively. And now the teenage years that I think are scary just as a parent in general, but I’m not more scared of walkers than the other kid. And you, you said before, like, you know, I would rather take care of this now when she’s like rebelling, Mel versus her not learn how to express his emotions. And she were bills later. Right. And it gets kind of what we think about like, Oh, this is going to, is this going to be a fight all the way through, but if we can get to that those teenage years and she loves to come and talk to us and us to be her, her people, she comes and talks to us and gets advice from, as she’s going through all of the teenage stuff, then that’s where, that’s where I wanted to be in it.

2 (38m 19s):
It doesn’t mean the teenagers are going to be a honky Dory, but after their hurt come to us to do, to help her get through them, then lets figure this out and create the safe space now so that she can use that space when the problems, our bigger and harder. And when know that was the other thing,

1 (38m 36s):
Is that when your kind of going through this re Parenting process, along with your child, when they go through the teenage years, if they’ve heard for years, you going back and having PRODUCTIVE conversations from the place of Whoa, I really wasn’t the mom or dad. I wanted to be yesterday. You know, when the thing went down, right. We have the thing went down and then I yelled and I got all upset. And I, we said all of those things like that, didn’t go as planned. I wasn’t so cool. Huh? So they hear you owning your messiness as a human. I don’t have to be the perfect parent who never makes a mistake.

1 (39m 17s):
I can show up and say, oops, screwed up really. Sorry for that. And now they’ve been raised with that being part of the family culture of we all screw up and we go back and we clean it up together and we forgive each other. And then when you have that teenager who lied to you and went to the party and didn’t tell you things, and now all of a sudden they realize that the driver of the car that’s supposed to be taking them back home is drinking and their calling you from the bathroom saying, I need you to come get me. That’s the kid that does that. ’cause they they’ve received the memo that nobody has to be perfect.

1 (40m 1s):
Okay. I lied. I can own it. And I can still call you and ask you for help. I trust you.

4 (40m 8s):
Yeah. And that it’s all through trust and connection. And my prediction for y’all Brian and Carley is that her teenage years will probably actually be way easier than these years right now. And I’m living that with my, I have a 14 year old son right now. And he was a lot of anxiety, a lot of behavior issues, some developmental issues when he was younger and thriving now, and it turns into, they turn it into your ally because it’s like, and not that, I mean, you’re still obviously definitely the parent, but it just becomes this really cool give and take of like, they understand, you understand it’s all based on connection. And I just went through something with my son and he messed up and he just came to me and was like, Hey, I messed up.

4 (40m 55s):
Here’s the deal, you know, when it’s like, okay, cool. Like we gotta deal with this. This is the deal. And then it’s like, you just move on. It’s like the easiest thing ever, because they trust you enough to connect with you. And they already kind of know, and you can anticipate life. You know, they still need the predictability that the toddlers need. It’s just a predictability that knowing like you’re not going to freak out and yell and scream. Like I can come to you and there might be some consequences. And he, it was like, yeah, I know this is going to be the consequences. It was worth it to me anyway. I was like, okay, cool. Like that, you almost, its not like you don’t have to parent, but it just makes the parenting so much easier because you can communicate about literally like anything and everything.

1 (41m 34s):
And they were old enough to understand. And because you’ve been emersed in this process for so many years, their self-regulation is so good that everyone’s able to just trust each other and connect with each other. I mean, it’s like the most beautiful thing. And who knows, maybe that will change as he gets older. I don’t know for voting joy. You’re not allowed to do the foreboding joy here. Like you just know you’ve got, how is he? 14 he’s 14. Yeah, yeah, no, we had it. We had an oops. We had a situation and the recovery was quick and he got, it can be practically Parenting himself. You know, that is what this process is.

1 (42m 17s):
And we can do hard things like, like life is hard and messy and it’s all part of the equation. We don’t have to fight against that. So no, I’m not letting you do this thing for sure. Okay guys so much fun. Thank you so much. Thanks everyone for listening. And

0 (42m 38s):
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0 (43m 20s):
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0 (44m 2s):
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0 (44m 43s):
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0 (45m 33s):
This thriving. Love to see on the inside.