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145: Keep Tech in Check Part 1: Convo between Randi and Mom, Tara

By March 9, 2021November 8th, 2023Mastermind Parenting Podcast
145: Keep Tech in Check Part 1: Convo between Randi and Mom, Tara

This month I’m featuring two conversations with Mastermind moms and the theme is around technology. You’ll hear a clip of me and advanced student/member, Tara, discussing pandemic virtual school and what’s really happening when we “lift the hood” of her brain regarding her kids being online from 8am until 3pm each day.

Of course, we go into other topics because I know Tara very well and as an “advanced member” in the MMP Mastermind, she participates in all of our advanced programs which go way beyond parenting and into the personal development realm.

We touch on perfectionism, kid comparison, vulnerability, our own worthiness story, boundaries and apologizing.

I love this conversation and decided to include it on the podcast because it’s more than tips and tools to reign in the tech in your kids’ lives.

Ya know…right now we’re all doing the best we can. We know too much tech is not ideal for brain development. We know we shouldn’t let them rot in front of screens for hours on end. And yet…somedays it’s just freaking necessary.

Maybe it’s necessary b/c of school and maybe it’s necessary for our sanity. We are all struggling with this right now and I think hearing the REAL deal from each other and realizing we aren’t the only ones is the most helpful “tip” I can give you right now. AND…of course you’ll get plenty of tips woven into our convo. Enjoy!

As always, thanks for listening, and be sure and head over to Facebook and you can join my free group Mastermind Parenting Community, where we post tips and tools and do pop up Live conversations where I do extra teaching and coaching to support you in helping your strong-willed children so that they can FEEL better and DO better. If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it!

About Randi Rubenstein

Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.

She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.

At Mastermind Parenting, we believe every human deserves to have a family that gets along.

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0 (1s):
My name is Randi Rubenstein and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast at Mastermind Parenting we’re on a mission, just support strong-willed kids and families that love them. You’re listening to them.

1 (13s):
Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode one 45. Hi guys. How are you this month? I am featuring two conversations with Mastermind moms and the theme is around technology. And so today you’re going to hear a clip of me and Mom Tara discussing pandemic virtual school. And what is really happening when we lift the hood of her brain regarding her kid’s being in front of screens online with no social interactions in person from 8:00 AM until 3:00 PM each day. And of course, you know, we go into other topics because I know Tara pretty well, and she’s worked with me for awhile and she does all my advanced programs.

1 (1m 3s):
And so I know her story and I know her triggers and I know who she is and what she kind of has worked through. So we talk about technology. We talk about kids being in front of technology more than we know they probably air quotes should be, and this, you know, causes, this is how it works. It’s like it’s around one particular issue, but it’s really, there’s other things coming up for all of us. So We touch on perfectionism and kid comparison and vulnerability and our own worthiness story is in boundaries and apologizing to our kids and our kids apologizing to us because as we all know, or most of us do things often go sideways.

1 (1m 56s):
When it comes to our kids, being in front of screens, whether it’s that they refuse to get off, they have a hard time buckling down and getting their work done. It’s hard to know like what boundaries to set, what parameters to be kind of using to guide you through when they’ve been onscreen all day, but then they still want to play the games and all their friends, they’re getting to an age where their friends have, are able to, you know, do the messenger or have their own phone. And then you worry that your kid is the one that’s missing out. And right now, so many of them it’s a lifeline, you know, interacting with each other digitally is the way that they’re able to interact.

1 (2m 46s):
And so it was interesting talking with Tara because Tara, his kids are in elementary school and quite often, many of us are dealing with these issues once our kids get to middle school. And, you know, I get to the tween years, but this pandemic learning has sort of like pushed many parents into dealing with a lot of technology issues before they were prepared to be dealing with this. Right. They sort of thought they had a handle on it. And then your in a situation where are your kids are having to be on the screen all day long and they’re like zombies. So I think you guys will know, this is really a conversation where we are just sort of talking about the realities of it all.

1 (3m 34s):
And you know, I know that technology is a very hot topic and a thing that for many of us is causing a lot of anxiety. And I felt like this month on the Podcast yes, we are gonna give you resources. Yeah. And things to help you kind of get technology. Maybe I don’t know, more balanced in your life and, and give you some resources if you choose to take part in that. But I didn’t. I said to her, I said to everyone who was kind of talking about that technology is the hot topic right now. I said, you know, the last thing that parents need right now is anything that’s going to add to the guilt.

1 (4m 22s):
So I really wanted to be sensitive about this topic because we’re, we’re all educated. We all know that we don’t want our kids sitting in all gorked out in front of screens all day. I think most of us know that and we have guilt about it. Yeah, no. And many times we might be letting them beyond the screens more than we need it. Air quotes, we should be. But frankly, we’re surviving. It’s day to day. People are working from home. Yeah. We got things to do. We might be using technology as an electronic babysitter, more and more, and we already feel guilty enough about it.

1 (5m 4s):
You don’t need me telling you you’re doing it wrong. You’re doing it wrong. Like we’re taking it day by day. We are doing the best that we can. So the, the thing that I really wanted to give you guys is that message that you’re not alone. If you’re worried about these things too, I am every mom I’ve talked to pretty much it is. And you know what? Let’s just have a conversation. Let’s talk about this. And let’s maybe pool resources together and see if we can just feel better overall. So enjoy today’s conversation. And the next podcast will be a, a, a coaching session with another one of my moms were just a short coaching session where we talk about, you know, some technology issues she’s dealing with with her eight year old son and games

2 (5m 58s):
And having struggles and power struggles when it comes to the video games. And so I think that one will be helpful as well. So Enjoy that

1 (6m 8s):
Podcast most often people come in to the Mastermind and they don’t, they’re not thinking about it. And before you know it, or they just, you don’t know what you don’t know. Like no, you know, back when Alec and Avery were a little bitty, we, it was baby Einstein. I remember us putting them at a little teeny tiny, like babies in front of her baby Einstein videos. And it’s like, we didn’t know yet that in the first couple of years, actually, no screen time, babies don’t need to be in front of the TV. That’s not good for their brains. Like if you do, if you would like me to make dinner, or you have your dealing with other kids and you put the baby in front of a video or whatever, okay.

1 (6m 53s):
You’re not going to, like, you’re not going to make them dumb. You’re not going to have brain damage. But like, we literally thought that we were doing something good by putting a six month old in a bouncy in front of you on the side videos for my mom, like bragging, she loved the baby Einstein videos license. So you don’t know. So often people come in and then they are like, repeat it. But my four year old, or my six year old has a really hard time getting off the iPad. And w and you know, you’ve heard me say it a million times when I’m like, Oh, well, yeah, because it’s, they’re freaking cocaine and your taking it away, or, you know, studies have been done that, those highs, those dopamine highs, or the equivalent to a cocaine Hyde.

1 (7m 39s):
So if you continue this, you’re just hard wiring them for drug addiction. So we got to put some boundaries and parameters. So you’re the opposite of that. Like you and Chris came in and, you know, I think

2 (7m 52s):
Now don’t get me wrong. They have, they have their time. Like, it’s not like we do nothing, but it’s limited too. We do a movie on Friday nights. And then on weekends, they have a set, they have set slots and they know sort of what to expect for how much they can watch. And sometimes there’s wiggle room sometimes as we all ask her and watch a movie on Saturday night, but that’s sort of how it is, and they don’t have iPad time. So that’s

1 (8m 18s):
The way that this is my point and setting it up. You guys are not the norm in terms of you came in as an occupational therapist with a lot of background information on the body, the brain development, Chris came in, as you know, he was in med school, in his residency. I mean, like you guys have kids and you got, you were, you were in the medical field and getting a lot of extra knowledge and training. So even when you first came in to the Mastermind first started working with me and, and, you know, Chris was, I mean, well, now he’s in Russia.

1 (8m 59s):
So you’re still kind of dealing with being a single mom, even though you’re not a single mom, but you were, you know, burning the candle at both ends. And I remember you had, you know, high anxiety, you were a different version of people back then 2%, right. We’re in a state of constant survival and, and you were still like, well, I have them earn coupons, you know, for, or what did you do? You get your bag?

2 (9m 27s):
I used to, they knew the number of shows that they could watch and every would make like a little sticky note and then she would check it off. So like, they could be in charge of when they watched them. They could watch them all at once. They could watch them throughout the day or whatever, but like, she would check it off when they got to their total number of shows for the day that was this system that we set up. We don’t have to do that anymore because they just, they know. And then they’ll tell me when they’re done. So they kind of police themselves and don’t get to that. I mean, they’ll push, they’ll try sometimes so that they know, they know, but what we do as a family.

1 (10m 2s):
So the goal is we put those kinds of systems in place, because like I tell my kids, you know, one day you’re, you know, unless I’m willing to go to college with, You like one day you’re going to have to police yourself. And in it, it will come actually before college. And so like, you know, that’s my big joke that I’ll say, especially like, Decorey who just heard of a 15, like, I mean, I would love to go to college with you. I mean, those, like, we’re both pretty thin we could fit in one of those twin size beds and the dorm. And frankly, college was a good time, but I’m just not sure that you want me there. So we want them to learn to police themselves. But you guys were, you know, even in a state of survival, even doing a single mom thing, you were burning the candle at both ends and you still had systems like that.

1 (10m 51s):

2 (10m 51s):
I don’t have to say though. I mean, it didn’t initially when they were very little, I mean, I remember when Avery was like in kindergarten, I would let them watch a show in the morning, in the morning and sort of like dress her while she was watching. And the thing that actually flipped the switch for us was Harvey because we flooded and we were displaced for a long time and we didn’t have TV. And actually previous to that, we had been out of the country for two weeks and didn’t have TV. So we just went on this stretch of not having TV. And it made me realize how much more I liked it. And so it sort of did the hard thing for me. And then we were very intentional how we replace it.

1 (11m 32s):
That’s interesting. Yeah. That’s, that’s a true, you are like, okay. I thought this thing was making my life easier, but it actually was making it,

2 (11m 41s):
He’ll tell you, like, he fought me to even get a TV back in our house. I was like, I don’t want it. I don’t want it. I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t like TV, but I mean, I do like movie nights and things like that, but I would be, or just like, I don’t watch TV, but it took that hard stop for me to really realize how much more connection and how much smoother I can actually get things to run without the thing I was using to quote unquote helped me.

1 (12m 9s):
I mean, isn’t that the case with so many things and it’s like, we know something may make our life easier in the short term, but then it makes your life more difficult long. I mean, it’s like, its like it’s you used something as a crutch to calm yourself down, like a glass of wine or you know, whatever. And then before, you know, it, it turns into two glasses of wine and two glasses of wine or half a bottle causes you to feel like crap the next morning. And then you don’t feel like exercising and then before you, you know, and so, you know, it’s like anything that we think that makes our life, you know, it was just a balance of that, you know, and I need to check, but I, I love when we were talking about how you guys really aren’t so much the norm in terms of technology and now you’ve been forced into a situation, a virtual school.

1 (13m 8s):
So it’s like, even though you’ve had technology pretty well in check in your family, now your kids are on screens from because they’re doing virtual school from eight to three every single day. And so what I wanted to ask you was how is that sitting with you as a Mom in terms of like, you know, the thing are secret words, you know, when you, you know, like worried about your kids or worried about what’s going on, like, how are you processing that?

2 (13m 40s):
Yeah. It’s, you know, I have to, I just, I have to kind of not feed your trip in some ways I’m because they really do use the technology for, for learning. But I can see, especially with, you know, Nelly sometimes that it is a little harder to transition away or just one more game. Like even if it’s for a man, you know, just one more, this is just one more of this. So part of me is like, feel, it feels the old sort of nervousness coming up. And then there’s also the challenge of comparison and fighting, comparing one self to others, especially when older friends, like fourth grade friends are allowed to play certain games that we don’t play.

2 (14m 29s):
And it’s been a form of socialization. Like we don’t do roadblocks, we don’t do kids’ messenger. We don’t do a Minecraft or, or whatever that games are. And so that’s been hard on me in a way because I worry that I am sort of standing in the way of this virtual connection during a time of a pandemic. But at the same time, I think it’s led to of other really cool opportunities like Avery swaps books with her neighbor, you know, we do some other things to try to form connection. So,

1 (15m 1s):
Well, I would say more about it. It’s hard on you. Like what part of that is hard on you?

2 (15m 11s):
No, just the, just the way I think like a lot of us over the last year or questioning every single decision we make, am I doing the right thing? Am I doing the right thing? Am I, you know, helping them learn how to do the right thing for themselves? Or am I letting my future tripping brain stand in my own way here or stand in their way? Should I be giving them more autonomy to help me figure this out together versus letting my fear would be the one to continue to just hang on like no technology. Right. You know? So it was just kind of that back and forth in my brain about what the right balance is. And I still feel confident that we have the right balance right now, but it’s just that sort of constant brain loop where you can easily get tricked by your own fears.

1 (15m 60s):
Do you worry, do the comparison piece or is it, am I, you know, are they going to struggle socially? Because like, is that a word in there

2 (16m 13s):
In a way, you know, it, it’s more just especially having been, you know, in this neighborhood for like a year and a half, making sure she’s having the opportunities to solidify the friendships and gain the confidence in some of that. And also learning how to be a responsible technology user because you know, she is nine and a half now. So there’s part of that as well. That, that I think about. And I know she will be because we were able to have this conversations, but it’s really more and more me because we have been on, on the other extreme. It’s almost more of me trying to figure out how to get my chosen.

2 (16m 54s):
Now when maybe the people who have just like completely just been in off the deep end for a longer time, or maybe on the other end where they’re trying to figure out how to pull it back. I’m trying to figure out how I want to move into it. And so that’s kind of where, where I am. You know, I am sort of quick to say, no, we’re not going to try that new thing until I can research it. Or I don’t think we need to play that game right now. There’s other things that we can do instead. Or you can use my face time to be in touch with your friend that you miss seeing in person or, or something like that.

1 (17m 30s):
Well, let me ask this, as you learn to dip your toe in, do you realize that if you dip your toe in and you say yes to something and it turns out to cause problems, do you like, are you cognizant of the fact you can say we tried this thing and it didn’t work. So now we’re going to dial it back.

2 (17m 54s):
Yup, yup. 100%. I think, you know, just because of my cautious personality and my lack of risk-taking in my bones, I try to set things up to a way where it feels pretty comfortable from the get go. So like, as an example, we did, Avery has one of those speed talk watches, so she doesn’t have an iPad or anything like that, but she has a watch that’s pre-programmed and she can call up to 10 numbers. So if she’s a girl Scouts and it ends early, she can call me, you know, or something like that. And we set up a lot of, you know, we had a conversation about it in the beginning, we set it up together or she helped me come up with what she thought the good rules might be with it. And then we set up where it does not disturb her during school.

2 (18m 35s):
What is the appropriate time? You can turn it off. What happens if you don’t follow the rules? So like, I really tried to be mindful and I, would’ve never done that if I hadn’t been sort of threw Mastermind and kind of had the foresight to maybe think about establishing the REAL rules ahead of time, knowing that they might change. But I’m trying to be thoughtful about it from the outset. It’s like, that’s one example of how Mastermind helped me think through it at the beginning and knowing we can talk about it too and change course if we have to.

1 (19m 6s):
Yeah. Well, I think it also that’s, so that’s, that’s a good example of you also fighting against your perfectionistic nature of, you know, what, like we can talk about it ahead of time. And it’s just like the PRODUCTIVE conversation where I tell them, you know, you know, I think as parents, especially when we struggle with perfectionism, we think we have to be the all knowing parents and get it right from the get go. And if we make mistakes like that,

2 (19m 36s):
So the day I die and most likely right

1 (19m 39s):
There is no tape, you know? And it’s like, no, there’s take backs and there’s do-overs and there’s all of it. You get to be an imperfect parent. You get to go to your kids and say, oops, I made a bad decision. Or I made a mistake. I’m I really wish that I wouldn’t have handled it this way. So I want to have a conversation about this and talk about how we can sort of restructure things like, you know, when we make them, I mean, the growth has always in the MSCI. So when we make the mistakes, when we need the do-over is, or when we have to go back and collaborate and problem solve with our kids, why something that we were trying out, it didn’t work.

1 (20m 19s):
You know, it doesn’t seem to be working. And then we include them and would collaborate with them. And we were like, this is why I don’t think it’s working, but I want to hear from you. And look, if you have a nine and a half year-old or a kid that’s like now starting to dip their toes into more technology, chances are, they’re going to say, well, it was new and I’ll be better. And they’ll make all kinds of promises to you. And that’s where we get to realize that we are worthy of setting boundaries. We are worthy of, of, of not being liked for a minute by our kids. And, and that’s when, you know, with your parents all the time to say, well, I’m not here to be my child’s friend, but like, what does that really mean?

1 (21m 6s):
It means during those moments, you saying like, I hear you, I get it. And because I see that there’s been issues. We’re going to dial it back anyway. It doesn’t help. And being like, Oh, I hear you super hard. And this is the decision I’ve made. It’s okay. I’m willing to be hated right now. Love you too much. Not to make these hard decisions. I got it.

2 (21m 37s):
Yup. Yup. Yup. 100%. Oh yeah. And I mean, the guy with the watch is an example, I think. And I’ve been like, there were a times have exactly what you just said, you know, with some of the gaming things that we don’t do, but, but now that we’re passed it, you know, somebody will ask her, Hey, do you play this? Are you on this? And she was like, no, and that’s just, it like does the end of the conversation. But I think one thing that did work really well for the watch was, and I mean, it’s just her personality as well, but giving her the opportunity to give me the input and help set some of the rules like that. It was really helpful.

1 (22m 15s):
Yeah. And do you know, I mean, look, I think the more you’re able to deal with your own, you know, worthiness to set boundaries like that, to not be liked for a minute, without raising your voice by just being the grounded, calm, cool, collected parent, who was like, I get it super hard, you know, and that was my it’s a free for all in the middle school. And for anyone, if we end up using this as a Podcast, anybody listening and wondering why we keep saying the word Avery, it’s like, for some reason, every there’s like many, many families with Avery’s in the mastermind. And I have a daughter, I agree as well, but I remember all the middle school.

1 (22m 58s):
That was the whole thing. I’m the only one in all of them wearing me in the middle school without Snapchat And when can I get it? When can I get it? Not yet. Why can I have it doesn’t feel right. And the more I did it, and she knew that I was just gonna, like, I wasn’t going to be pure pressure by her or anyone else to make a different decision until it felt right to me. And I was perfectly fine with, you know, with the fact that she wasn’t happy about it. The more she just sort of would accept my answer and stop pushing. So it stopped being so dramatic because she realized she wasn’t going to get a rise out of me about it.

1 (23m 38s):
She was just going to get empathy. I know it’s really hard. Well, if you know, it’s really hard, why won’t you let me have it because I love you much to make a decision based on what everybody else has before it feels right. And my mom got, I’m not doing that. I’m not doing that. I love you too much. Yeah. You know, to succumb to that kind of pressure, I’m telling you, Mom I hear you and you don’t have a fully developed brain yet. Like I like, I get that. You want that, I get that impulsively. You’re like, why, why, why? And I have to make hard decisions as a grownup on your behalf that you’re not going to, like, I hear, you know,

2 (24m 21s):
Yeah. That’s the trick right. There is, you know, constantly, at least for me, making sure that I’m in a place where my own cup is full enough to have that type of response in some days, it’s not some days I’m like, just just know you’re not, you know, or like, all right. I struggled to maintain that sort of wherewithal too, and be intentional in my, my response. But it is just sort of having that persistent sort of grounded understanding that this is the deal. This is why. Right. And honor,

1 (24m 55s):
All right. And on those days, like, here’s the thing when we’re in a pandemic, when your husband is in Russia for three months on assignment, when you just went through, you know, a crazy weather situation like you did in Houston alone with the girls, you know, boil water, notice no water, you know, all your neighbors, thank goodness you’ve had a generator, but all your neighbors are without power, your housing, extra people. And you’re stepping into this whole amazing role that you did. And then

2 (25m 32s):
A survivor’s guilt in a way of having a generator throughout the whole thing.

1 (25m 37s):
Right. Right. Right. So like, you’re like, okay, I’m holding down the Fort by myself with the girls know extended family, her husband and Russia on assignment. Oh. Because of my survivor’s guilt, I’m also going to take in every time I, you know, all my neighbors and see them and do all of the things. Okay. So as you’re taking care of a million people and all of a sudden you hear, you know, one of your girls pushes you on a thing, a technology thing. And of course you have a moment where you’re like, that’s so case closed, done.

2 (26m 14s):
Totally. And I had a whole day like that, and it was not that polite. Right.

1 (26m 21s):
What is your yelling?

2 (26m 23s):
There was a just, yeah,

1 (26m 26s):
We didn’t have those human moments. And, and so what, my point is just like how we don’t have to have all the right, all the right answers at the beginning and we can have do overs and we can try something out and dip our toe in and then say, okay, that didn’t really, so we’re going to change the rules down and go back. We can also, I think those moments are important when everything goes sideways, because when we go back and say, you know what, I snapped at you earlier, I was strung out, stressed out, taking care of all of these people and at the end of the day.

1 (27m 7s):
And so when you were asking me about, could you just play that game or just do that thing? Or, you know, you ask me that thing really, you know, I was prioritizing all of these other things in my life over sitting down and just having a conversation with you because I have a human moment. I am human. And you know, you, you know what, and I’m so sorry for doing that because I’m sure that you were like, okay, I just wanted to have a conversation with my mom. Right. And, and you wanted to talk about this thing and I like made it, you know, I made it a whole bigger thing than it needed to be. And I’m really sorry for doing that because we’re all managing a lot of stress right now.

1 (27m 47s):

2 (27m 48s):
We, we, we had a day like that where I had a, a rougher day than I had in a very long time. I think compounded by all the things that you said, and it ended up in me yelling, them, crying, me, crying, just a whole shebang. And then later that night, you know, we had a conversation about how to, how to apologize to not say it’s okay if somebody acts terrible and you say, you know, thank you, accept your apology and you have a conversation about it. I like totally sold the whole Bernay Podcast and used it on them about how to apologize because it happens and it’s going to happen. And I think that’s, that’s the thing that I continue to go to work on is knowing that those moments will happen.

2 (28m 29s):
And there are teachable moments because they are going to keep happening

1 (28m 33s):
Tech and they learned so much more from our examples than from us telling them, go apologize to your friend. Blah-blah-blah like when we shot it in those moments, and you know, that’s a thing that around all of this conversation about technology, you know, yes, we have Keep Tech in Czech. We have, you know, a special ebook that, that sets up the parameters and helps to give you examples and educate you on all the, you know, the different ways to light, like how much screen time is kind of, okay. But right now in a pandemic with virtual school, like we’re doing the best that we can. And these kids they’re brains are on screens a heck of a lot more than, you know, they really should be.

1 (29m 19s):
And it’s just part of the equation. And so I think that when you handle things, when you know, the growth is in the MSCI. So when I think it’s important to remember, we need days like the day you have it. Because, because those days when it really goes South and we come back together and we talk about it and we apologize, and we talk about why apologizing is important and we’re the ones apologizing. What are the ones that are saying I had survivor’s guilt. I, you know what dad is in Russia, you girls need me, we’re lucky and fortunate to have a generator.

1 (30m 6s):
Did I need to take in an extra 12 mouths to feed? Could we have figured out a better way to do? Or maybe yes. So I took on way too much because that’s in my nature and you guys suffered for it and I suffered for it. And I’m super sorry. Like I’m, I’m like, I’m super sorry that that happened. And then all of a sudden we’re more connected. We’re more bonded. They get to see mom being vulnerable. They get to see mom being imperfect. And that’s when you have kids that get older and they make mistakes and they easily admit that they have made mistakes.

1 (30m 48s):
All of these little moments where we are doing that, I think it really does send a message to our kids that they never have to pretend to be a perfect human they’re allowed to. They’re a lot to fuck up, you know?

2 (31m 2s):
And I think doing some of the, the fessed up work for me, I mean, if nothing else is at least getting me two more reflectively after I have those human moments, just take a second and be like, what? Just came up for me. Like, why did that trigger me? And then, you know, even if I can get quite to the root of it, I have been starting to say to my kids afterwards, like that really wasn’t about you. You know, th there was something that was coming up for me and it was just building up all this stuff inside of me. And then it made me explode. And I want you to know if it wasn’t about You and that still doesn’t make it okay.

2 (31m 43s):
But it’s some of the mommy stuff that is just like, you know, it just made me kind of lose it in the moment. So, so I think, you know, I’ve been trying to work that, that wording in And, the Fest up stuff has helped me figure out some of the themes and some of the triggers too. But yeah, I think what you’re saying, the point is, is I’ve been trying to be more open with talking about that stuff to my kids. So they start figuring it out a lot earlier than I did. Right.

1 (32m 15s):
Yeah. And it’s amazing when you start to talk about it and start to weave it into the conversation, it’s amazing how much easier it gets to weave it into the conversation. And, and it’s almost like it’d become, it’s like, I think you’ve probably heard me talk about that. How, when Sara Blakely, the founder of Spanx, and she says that, you know, I mean, the guy Raz from how I built this podcast was like, how did you become this person? Like what, like what gave you this kind of courage and confidence to like, do what you have done, you know, and with no real education about, you know, making a product or creating clothing, how did you do this?

1 (33m 9s):
How did

2 (33m 9s):
You start doing this at 26? And she basically

1 (33m 12s):
Said, you know, we had this ritual around the dinner table where my dad said, why did you fail that today? And so it was, if you’re not, you know, if you’re not failing, you’re not trying, you’re not learning. And so when we share here’s all my oops moments are here. Not everyone, you know, but it’s like, Oh, listen to this. And Holy crap, like what was coming up for me there? I really exploded on you guys. And like, you probably were sitting there going, what, what just happened? Like, you know, are you, and where is my mom? You know, we just own our human moments.

1 (33m 53s):
I think that it becomes part of like the family culture, which is like, we can all own those human moments.

2 (34m 1s):
Yeah. And I have like one second and then I have to get an early in the class. But the final thing that I wanted to say is that I do find it interesting. And there’s a whole different conversation that probably I’m going to have to go on mute. So I’m not going to be able to keep talking, but how much easier I find doing that with my kids than I do with Chris. Yeah. I don’t know if it’s like that for everybody or just me, but it’s so much easier and being vulnerable with people that you’re hoping to mold, I think somehow yeah. With your partner, maybe

1 (34m 33s):
I also have been bringing it up, you know, at a time in your life. Like there are going to hold that against

2 (34m 39s):

1 (34m 42s):
But you know, Chris’s such a good guy on that.

2 (34m 46s):
Again is my own stuff. Holding me back from that. It’s that vulnerability it’s the perfectionism is just the, you know, all of this stuff, but it would have been noticing how much more easy it is for me to have those really vulnerable conversations with the kids after not showing up as my greatest or nearly greatest self than it is when I’m jabbing at Kris about things.

1 (35m 8s):
Yeah. And I’ll say this, I know you, you have to go on mute, but I was just looking to pass with Esther corral and she was talking about couples and she said, you know, as couples, we want to point out what the other person is doing wrong all the time, but just own it, own all your stuff up. She said, owning your part of your role is freedom. And so, and, and she says, it’s so hard, you know, it’s so hard, but owning it is freedom. That’s really what is main advice. So yeah. That would work, work in progress in progress for all of this. Yeah. Okay. Just as we wrap up, I just wanted to say, don’t you love Tara, she’s so smart and awesome.

1 (35m 54s):
And in real life exactly the way she sounded on that podcast. I love her to pieces. And you know what, right now, I think, you know, we’re all just doing the best that we can. And, you know, just like Tara’s husband being in Russia for three months and Tara, and the girl’s living in Houston with know extended family close by and the middle of the just serve or, you know, they just got through that whole crazy winter storm that left the entire city and a national state of disaster without electricity and without water for several days on end. Let me tell you guys, it was crazy. It was crazy. It was like, you know, we didn’t have any water, almost everyone.

1 (36m 38s):
I know didn’t have any water. And the, the hardest part for me, because we did have bottled water in my family, but I shouldn’t laugh because there was a lot of people that really, really suffered. And we were for the most part, just dealing with first world problems in my household. But yeah, I’m not taking a shower. Yeah. Like not taking a shower and not being able to rinse off before I go to bed. Like, that’s one of the little simple pleasures that I enjoy is just like being clean. And not that I wash my hair all the time. Don’t, don’t get too excited over there. Like I’m not washing my hair every night, but I’m just doing a quick rinse off and it feels so good to get into your sheets in your all clean and yummy.

1 (37m 26s):
And like, I was like, how am I supposed to sleep? I feel so Erik, but yeah. So we like didn’t have water. I mean, that was crazy to me, even during hurricane Harvey I’m or actually it wasn’t a hurricane Harvey, it was the flood. It was hurricane Ike. There have been so many disasters over the last few years in Houston. We’re almost all becoming experts at this, but yeah. We even had water during that crazy flood, but, you know, look like Tara We know too much. Tech is not ideal for brain development. Like she knew that. Right. And she was that parent that lived like she was, she would have never been in the parent that lives without a TB for a period of time, like, come on no way.

1 (38m 12s):
But she was that parent. Right. And we know we shouldn’t let them rot in front of screens for hours on end. And yet some days it’s just freaking necessary. Right. And maybe it’s necessary because of school and they’re in virtual school and maybe it’s just necessary for our sanity because we are all in a state of struggle for the most part. Right. And I think hearing the real deal, right. Like not the stupid perfect, perfect Facebook post, you know? Oh, we’re all bonding and playing board games every five seconds. Like the real deal, like, like, like I had days that were a shit show and I didn’t handle it like this.

1 (38m 56s):
In fact there was some yelling and there was some right, like hearing the real deal from each other, even as a mom that is as eloquent and likable and amazing as Tara being like, yeah, it didn’t always sound like this. Like realizing that we aren’t the only ones. Right. We aren’t the only ones who were struggling with these things am worried about our kids and worried about all of the things, all of the things is giving us anxiety. Right? Like I think that’s the most helpful tip I can give you right now is that you’re not alone. We’re right here with you.

1 (39m 36s):
We’re going through it too. And we, we will get through this. Right. We will get through this. So hopefully you guys did get plenty of tips woven into our conversation

0 (39m 49s):
And, and we do, I promise you a resource. So we have opened up a private resource from our Mastermind. So if you want more concrete tools and tips to keep Tech and Check, I’m not pressuring you to do so. Let me just say that I’m not pressuring you to do so, but if you do want more concrete tools and tips, we’re unlocking a free resource for you guys right now for this month. And it is our Keep Tech in Check Part e-book I wrote it myself, And pooled and found tons of resources. And it includes, I’ll just read to you some of the things, some of the topics that are covered in it.

0 (40m 32s):
And I really cried, I really didn’t want to create this. Like I’m not a super formulaic systematic person, but we had so many parents consistently asking me for my personal Tech contracts with my teenagers. If they’d hear me talk about, you know, putting things in writing, they would be like, can I see an example of that? And so I was constantly having to go in and like dig up things and take pictures of all of this scribble, Scrabble of the, because the contracts we use in my family is usually in the kids’ handwriting, we sign it, we leave it in the kitchen somewhere, like in a stack of papers. And if I need to pull it out and I reference it, but we just get it and writing because there is something weird about it.

0 (41m 13s):
When you get things in writing kids act like it’s like you had it notarized. They think it’s the law. So, so I just know when I have a productive conversation and we’re problem solving something, that’s become an issue or a struggle. We get that shit in writing. So people kept asking for him for it enough that I was like, I guess I need to write it like some kind of a technology, something. So the table of contents, Tech mistakes we make, these are some of the subjects that we cover. Tech mistakes. We make Keep, Tech in Check Part having the family meetings and the four basic blocks, some of our recommendations in terms of, you know, screen-time and, and just kind of like guidelines.

0 (41m 54s):
If you want something to kind of base your family systems on, you know, if your, your, my brain doesn’t automatically come up with those systems. So it always helps me when people tell me like what their system is. And then I kind of like will talk to a few people on different things and I’ll, then I’ll decide on what my systems is going to be. So we gave recommendations and we gave the examples of rules and contracts. We even gave you guys some light contracts. If you wanted to print them out with some blanks. So rules for littles, the contract for tweens and teens, the addendum for cell phone usage. So like, if your kids get to an age where they’re your, your gonna give them the cell phone and you’re sort of dreading doing it, we have a contract with an identity on what the rules are around cell phone use.

0 (42m 43s):
And this is, of course, just our recommendation. You are going to tweak and change it. However you see fit because you’re the expert on your family. And we have an addendum for Tech for homework. Like, what about when you, you tell your kids, you know, what can we have agreed upon this time? And they’re like, well, wait, I need to use my computer. I need my phone for homework. So we have something that is an, a denim for that, a code of conduct for social media and internet use. Right. So when they start to use the social media, how do we spell it out from the get go? So if you would like to, to download this free resource, just go to Mastermind Parenting dot com forward slash Tech Check that’s T E C H O C H E C K Tech Check Mastermind Parenting dot com forward slash Tech Check no, space’s all lower case.

0 (43m 37s):

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Creating A Happier Household

by Randi Rubenstein