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149: Balance, Boundaries & Post Pandemic Living

By May 4, 2021November 8th, 2023Mastermind Parenting Podcast
149: Balance, Boundaries & Post Pandemic Living

Many of us are feeling anxious about the world opening back up. While it’s been hard on many levels to be with our families CONSTANTLY, there have been benefits too. The built in excuse, called Covid, has been quite convenient to get out of going to all the things. You know “the things”, right? Today’s episode is about balance and boundaries and how to continue not going to all the things. Enjoy!

As always, thanks for listening, and be sure and head over to Facebook and you can join my free group Mastermind Parenting Community, where we post tips and tools and do pop up Live conversations where I do extra teaching and coaching to support you in helping your strong-willed children so that they can FEEL better and DO better. If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it!

About Randi Rubenstein

Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.

She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.

At Mastermind Parenting, we believe every human deserves to have a family that gets along.

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Transcription

0 (1s):
My name is Randi Rubenstein and welcomed the Mastermind Parenting Podcast and Mastermind Parenting were on a mission to support strong-willed kids and the families that love them. Your list,

1 (13s):
The Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode one 49. Hi guys, welcome to the podcast. I am excited because I’m now recording again with the camera. So if some of you may be watching this on video, what are we going to talk about this month? Well, we’ve got some thing’s coming up, including some bonus episodes. We’re going to start releasing some bonus episodes, which is basically a, just like, I don’t know when I make a Facebook live or an Instagram live or something that I think you guys might be interested in hearing.

1 (57s):
We’re going to turn them into just some bonus podcast episodes that you thought could be fun. And what I wanted to put on the calender is something about balance, even though I sort of hate that term, kind of like the term self-care cause I think its been overused or like that freaking oxygen mask, put your own oxygen mask on, you know, or you can’t help anyone. You got to put your own oxygen mask on or everybody’s going to be dead. You know, that whole airplane metaphor for self care. But there is, you know what, it’s all valid and the whole thing about balance and being a mom, blah, blah, blah.

1 (1m 45s):
It’s really about fucking Boundaries. Oh yeah. And I’m changing the ratings on this podcast. I decided that I’m sick of being so filtered here because what people know when they come and work with me privately, is that I wouldn’t say I sound exactly like a truck driver, but sometimes a little bit. I just, yeah, sometimes I just feel like you’ve got to, you’ve got to curse. It’s just, I don’t know. That’s the way I talk in real life and it’s expressive. There’s some things that just a good curse word just seems like it just gets, gets the meaning out in a more meaningful way.

1 (2m 26s):
So if you’ve been listening to this for awhile, this is a podcast for parents of strong-willed kids. So it’s not actually for the strong-willed kids. So if you have your strong-willed kids around, when you’re listening to this, we’re your ear buds or AirPods or whatever they’re called, because I may say things that you don’t want them to hear. But when I’m talking about balance, I’m really talking about Boundaries. I’m really talking about understanding that you not do all the things for all the people or say yes to shit that you don’t want to do anymore.

1 (3m 7s):
And not think that it’s not gonna make you resentful, right? Like its going to make you feel resentful, its going to make you angry. It’s going to, there’s going to be an underlying tense, annoyed feeling if you walk around and sort of feeling tense and annoyed a lot of the time, which I totally get because that could be me and I work on this, then just know that there’s some things sort of off-kilter and it’s time to recalibrate. So for me, if I go back to like, when my kids were younger, but even still like I still have a 15 year old at home and I still have a college, you know, one that just started college.

1 (3m 48s):
And when we’re gearing up for the summer, I’m thinking, the last thing I want to do is sit in a sitter, see my kids sitting around rotting all summer, like, or the I’m bored, I’m bored. Like they need to have some kind of structure, but like not crazy structure. So there’s also like balanced in terms of them and their schedules. And, and so I just think this word balance and it covers so much ’cause, there’s that balance between being over-scheduled and under scheduled and you know, what are they going to do and how are we going to lay it out? And then the, you know, planning ahead, I’m not feeling like I, there were some summers where it was like, I felt like I was just couldn’t wait for school to start because that’s when I finally got to have some free time, like that’s not balanced.

1 (4m 44s):
Like that’s not, that’s not cool either. If your feeling like it’s your job to be a camp counselor and you never get a free minute for yourself, that’s unbalanced as well. So my goal is really to kind of have this conversation with you guys to put it on your radar. So hopefully you don’t make some of the martyring mistakes that I made, which, which at the end of the day, it would just make me, I don’t know. It made me feel, it made me want to numb out really is what it did. It didn’t, you know, sometimes it may me act like I was with my kids, but really I was just, you know, sticking them in front of the electronic baby-sitter and you know, just, just, I don’t know, numb out in whatever way I could have for years.

1 (5m 28s):
I was an over shopper. I would get my dopamine hits through shopping. I don’t do that so much anymore. Although every once in a while it’s like, you know, one of the kids, like a quarry recently went through a gross spurt and he like needed some new stuff. And I was like, Oh my God, I get to go and buy him some new clothes and I can do it all online for my bed. It was glorious. So I can do some damage in a shorter amount of time. And I’m like, I’m a professional that’s I’m like, I’m a professional. I had years of a prepping and training for this, ah, being a Supreme shopper. I’m proud something to really be proud of.

1 (6m 8s):
And, but, you know, there was also like, you know, closet smoking or just, you know, like feeling so exhausted after, at the end of the day that all I wanted to do is binge watch TV and then staying up too late and ignoring my husband and it being kind of this underlying tension where I put everything into, you know, my job as a mom. And then when it was time to be a partner, like I didn’t have anything left in me, you know? So there was a little bit of distance between he and I. So there were definitely lots of mistakes made. And so I guess, you know, in sharing my real stories in some of my tips and tools, maybe I can help you guys avoid making some of those mistakes.

1 (6m 51s):
I don’t know. So when we think about, you know, planning for this summer, the summer of balance, there are some, there’s another little factor going on for many of us in that little factor is not so little. It’s called a Pandemic and we’re going on over a year and the world is starting to open back up. And so I know that many of us are sort of like it’s been surreal, it’s been hard. There has been a lot of social isolation and there’s also some social anxiety, I think for so many of us about like, okay, the world is opening back up, but wait, does that mean I have to start doing all the things that I used to be doing that I didn’t really want to do, but I kind of had this built in excuse of COVID Oh, we can’t go because of our health, which is true, but it’s also, we get really honest.

1 (7m 52s):
It’s been convenient for many of us and that has to do with Boundaries. It has to do with many of us, you know, wanting to say, no, maybe a, not being honest with ourselves too. A lot of those social dates with other people that we didn’t really want to do, but we sort of just did. And didn’t think about it. Cause we didn’t know that we were allowed to say no, when we didn’t want to go to something, turned down an invitation realized that we don’t like to be so busy. We don’t want to go to back to back birthday party’s with our kids. We want to come up with maybe some new rules, like one birthday party, you know, per day or per weekend.

1 (8m 37s):
Maybe we don’t want to spend our entire weekend just doing kid activities. Maybe we want to figure out how to take some of these, you know, moments from Covid, which is like, we have to work together. Everybody has to do chores. It’s not just about going on playdates and to the park and driving a kid to this activity or that activity and soccer games and nonstop schlepping. You know, so many of us really liked the simplification, you know, from, from this time, this last year plus. And so how do we start to bring some of that simplification forward into our lives and it’s going to involve Boundaries.

1 (9m 23s):
So today’s episode, I’m going to include a coaching clip from, you know, I have a, a, a, a private Parenting program that we call the mastermind and in the Mastermind on one of our regular calls, this was a topic that we talked about. We talked about anxiety that is coming up for many of us when it comes to the world, opening back up and what our post COVID realities are going to look like. And this is coinciding with, you know, the kids are going to be out of school. Summer is here, the world’s opening back up. What does that mean? Does it mean that we are going to, you know, put them in day camps?

1 (10m 6s):
Does it mean that we’re going to start going on vacations again? Does it mean that we are going to be scheduling them for non-stop activities, really getting clear on what, what your body says? Yeah, that sounds good. And what your body says. No, that sounds like a nightmare. And starting to listen and realizing that, you know, the anxiety that you may be feeling is just your body whispering to you and saying, I don’t want to go back to the way life was over a year ago. Like I want to do things differently, but I’m not sure how what’s my baby steps going to be.

1 (10m 51s):
And so I just wanted to put this on your radar. If anybody out there is feeling like this, and to let you know that, you know, we’re going to be talking about it, a lot of different things that have to do with balance and boundaries and, and creating a new reality for yourself as you go into this next chapter and hopefully feeling like you do have some sense of balance in your life. And when you’re noticing that you’re not having that sense of balance, how to be aware that your body’s talking to you, that your body is saying, Hey, I’m feeling anxious and starting to listen.

1 (11m 32s):
You know, because when you don’t listen to your body, that’s when you have you start having health issues. You know, you start having health issues, which might be sleepless nights, your mind won’t stop racing, stomach issues, a problem, you know, new sort of food sensitivities, but your body starts speaking to you. And, and so what I want you guys to do is to just really start to notice and put some of these puzzle pieces together and, and start listening because you deserve to have more balanced in your life. You deserve to get, to have Boundaries to learn what it is you do want and how to stand up for yourself and, and do more of what you want and less of what you don’t want and realize that it’s never a good idea to ignore that inner wanting and your body will first begin whispering to you and eventually screaming.

1 (12m 38s):
And I love you guys too much. I don’t want anybody to be unnecessarily sick out there. I see too many women who don’t even realize that they’re not fighting for a better life for themselves. Like they would for their kids. You deserve to be taken care of in a more balanced better way. So that’s what I’ve got for you this week. Enjoy the conversation.

2 (13m 2s):
I think because of the Pandemic, you know, we’ve had this kind of built in a safety net of were not having to do so many things that we normally would have to do. And I have seen that in myself, like, you know, it’s easier to say no to things, to people in terms of going out to dinner with family members or friends. I think that a lot of people could have used Covid as an excuse. And just as we kind of are, everyone’s getting vaccinated and getting back into real life.

2 (13m 43s):
Again, some people are like, Oooh, but I kind of like this little safety net here of not having to do all of these must dues. So I think just speaking on how to have that balance of the boundary that we like versus, you know, feeling comfortable to re immerse ourselves back into real life, being able to leave those boundaries there and digging into like, I don’t want to socialize and do ladies who lunch. And now that the safety net of the pandemic, I’m not saying it’s gone, but since people are vaccinated that starting to ease up.

2 (14m 28s):
And I think that people are nervous about how to reintegrate back into society. So people, or you just got to call them people. Umm, you know what Boundaries as we’ve been discussing this month in Boundaries, 2.0 Boundaries are hard because you finally

0 (14m 52s):
Messed her up the courage to set a boundary to listen to what do I want to do? Do I want to say yes to that invitation? Do I want to go to that fundraiser? Do I want to go to that gala? Do I want to go on a walk with that friend? Do I want to make my kid a sandwich right now? When they’re, you know, older than the age of five and capable of making their own sandwich with the right guidance, do I want to do those things? So taking the time to stop and ask yourself what you do want working on your own. Self-worth where you realize I haven’t tried to figure out what I want for maybe ever.

0 (15m 37s):
And wait a minute, where did I get the message? Then I was, my job is to make all the people around me, happy in to ignore what I wanted. So doing all of this mental preparation for Boundaries of figuring out what your puzzle pieces are, why you have no clue, what the fuck you want. And then finally it’s it’s, you know, it’s show time. I am going to say what I want and let other people know. I’m going to say, I’m going to RSVP know, figuring all of that stuff out.

0 (16m 18s):
And then it showed time. Then you are going to say the thing. And then quite often what happens after we say the thing to do other people just go, Oh, good to know. Okay, no problem. Is that the way most people deal with when we finally set a boundary? Never, never. You’ve been making your kids’ sandwiches. I mean for 15 years. And then all of a sudden I’m like, you can make your own sandwich. He’s like, I’ll just have a bag of chips. No, you won’t. It’s time for a meal and you could make your own sandwich.

0 (16m 60s):
No, it’s OK. I’m not that hungry. Hey, that’s my test have a boundary. And I’m like, fine. I’ll just make you the sandwich. You know, instead of taking the time, teaching him to fish, he’s pushing on my boundary. Now I’m just going to make it. So it might be something simple like that. Or it might be you’ve given in one, out of every 10 times to more tech time, you know, the rule was you have to get things done the responsibilities to, and to have the privilege of a screen time. But the kid comes home from school and says, I would say I had a stressful day. I need to decompress.

0 (17m 40s):
And I’ve got this big test tomorrow. And this screen time relaxes me please. The brain is my brain is feeling tired and use the Mastermind language in this will help my brain to remember and blah, blah, blah. So people test Boundaries. That’s what they do. Okay. And you may say, did the person inviting you to sit at their table for the fundraiser that you want to like, you know, you want to literally take a gun to your head and the thought of sitting there at that fundraiser on a weekend night and, and you’re like, Hmm, I really can’t why what’s going on. Oh my gosh, you make the table so much more fun. This is really an important event.

0 (18m 21s):
It’s like going to feed hungry children. You know, you know, I don’t want to go either, but it’s important for us to show up and you know, people are going to test your boundaries. So when you have, when we emerge out of Covid and all of a sudden the invitations are there again and, and, and weave, it’s been so easy for so many of us that have a hard time with Boundaries because we’ve had a built in excuse, we didn’t have to face the heart. We w we couldn’t go because of our health and because of your health, because we’re being responsible citizens, we take this COVID thing very seriously, which I’m not saying isn’t important, right?

0 (19m 9s):
But it’s also been very convenient for many of us. It’s a very convenient. And so now that we saw it, it was a really nice to, to have less of those things that our bodies really didn’t want to do. Don’t have this convenient built-in excuse. And when we say no to the things, we’re going to get tested, and we know what’s going to be hard, and we know that other people aren’t going to like it, and they may challenge us. We don’t want to say, you know what? I explained it in a different scenario to Lindsay today is it’s sort of like for those of you guys, who’ve heard the butterfly metaphor when the Caterpillar, you know, transformation it from the co from the Caterpillar to the butterfly transformation involves the butterfly is ready to come out of the Chrysalis.

0 (20m 7s):
The wings are there, right? The wings are there. So you’re, you’re, you’ve been in Covid quarantine and isolation. And in a lot of ways, having this built in excuse of not being so busy has really felt good for many of us. And so we’re like, okay, more of that, please. Like, thank goodness. You know, we’re, we’re getting back into real life. How can I bring elements of this less is more life into my Post Covid reality. How can I do that? How can I listen to biotic?

0 (20m 48s):
How can I have more downtime? How can I not spend every afternoon going from one thing to the other? And, and, and back to back to birthday parties on a weekend and plans Friday night, Saturday night, Sunday, like, how can I have more home time with less scheduled activities? You know that butterfly, when it’s ready to take flight, it’s struggling in there. It’s trying. And it’s trying, and it’s trying to get out. If we cut that Chrysalis open and we were like, Oh, a butterfly take flight. Your wheels are formed. The foot butterfly would be like, thank you so much for making it so easy.

0 (21m 29s):
And it would go out and it would flop on the ground. And then some person would walk by and accidentally step on it. And then the is dead. So it needs that struggle to build the muscles so that once it breaks out of that Chrysalis, it can take flight. And it’s not going to just fall down because it didn’t work out it’s muscles. So when people test our Boundaries, we are the butterfly. I want everyone to imagine you are the butterfly in the Chrysalis trying to get out. So when that person says, I don’t want to go to the fundraiser either.

0 (22m 9s):
You know, I bought the table because this is an important cause. And you will change the dynamic of the table. You we’ll make it better for me at this terrible fundraiser, please, as my friend, it’s important to me, please come. And that’s it 10, you love this brand. And you know, its true, you know, you’ll make the table more fun. You know, you’ll make your friend’s night more fun. And you know, this is an important cause and everything in your body says, I will be in a worse mood that day am the next day. I will be exhausted. It will use up a ton of bandwidth.

0 (22m 50s):
I’ll be shitting to my kids. Like it it’s like in the answer is now. So it’s so hard. That’s you? When a friend shows up back to you or the kids, I want to go to both birthday parties. I don’t want to just choose one. Right? That’s you building your strength ending. Like I hear you. I get it. I know it’s hard to make a choice. And Saturday is we don’t have a lot of weekend days. And so we have a family rule of one birthday party per day. Back-to-back birthday parties or not an option.

0 (23m 30s):
So you can make the choice or I can make the choice for you. What works for you? You know, that’s that’s in your kid might be like, you’re so mean. I want to go to both. You know what? So w we used to go to back to back birthday, but I don’t understand why are you being so mean? I hate you, my friends going to be mad at me, you know, that that may happen. And that is, and you have to deal with that discomfort of the person you love so much. If you just were to say yes, a martyr to yourself and not have that boundary, you would make them so happy.

0 (24m 16s):
You may even say in your head, this is selfish. Like you’re not going to be a little forever. I’m not going to be schlepping to birthday parties forever. It’s fine. And you may, and you know what, that’s the deal with post COVID is this is our chance to listen to our body’s to really go through a transformation of, there were elements of the isolation that really worked for me. And I don’t have to say yes to all of the things and come and go back to living a life of just busy. I want to stop and smell the roses more.

0 (24m 58s):
I want to simplify. And I want to make this time, this last year, plus of this pandemic time, be this pivotal demarcation of before I knew how to have boundaries. And after I knew how to have found that out. So the anxiety is your body whispering, okay? The body is always whispering the anxiety saying this is going to be uncomfortable. I’m nervous. I’m not sure we’re cut out for this. Like I don’t do discomfort.

0 (25m 40s):
I don’t like this at all. And this is you saying to your anxiety. I know honey, it’s hard. It is very hard. It’s very hard to feel worthy of listening to this beautiful body is very hard not to want to just live our life doing for everyone else. This is hard stuff and you deserve to get to have a life too. You deserve to get to lose, listened to the wisdom of your own body. You deserve to feel good. So we’re going to go through a little discomfort as we create a new patterns and it’s going to get worse.

2 (26m 19s):
You were not a little discomfort. I would say it’s a lot, right? I want to add one thing. Like, you know how I was, I had a, a call yesterday with someone interested in a program. And I was saying how before Mastermind, it was very easy for me to throw the rule down on the wall. But the hard piece was step two in three of repeating, often the rule, and then following through consistently. And it just reminds me of the boundary and like telling my girlfriend I’m busy, I’m working. No, I can’t want lunch. Like, that’s easy.

2 (26m 59s):
But the hard part is when I get the backlash, cause then I’m like, didn’t you hear me? Then the anger comes when they’re like, well, what are you doing? And what are you working on? And, and then I would walk away. Cause I’m like, this is just too much for me. Peace I’m out because I see the pattern of just avoiding hard discussions. And that reminds me of why implementing rules and w the way we do things at home, it’s the same. It it’s easy to set the rule and just say, this is what we’re doing. But that followed through is where the real work comes in.

2 (27m 39s):
And it’s the same with a boundary, like, because of the people that are going to always resist, especially when they want us. Literally last week I got a text about lunch. It was like, Nope. Can’t and then I got five text messages. What are you doing? When can you go, what is it that you’re working on? You can’t take an hour. And I pretty much like ignored that person ever since. And it’s, this is reminding me of my anger towards that, because I’m like, did she not read my freaking text? I literally was like, I’m in the middle of work. And P S side note when I’m not working, I’m going to be on my bed with my eyes closed so that when my kids come home, I can greet them with a calm, cool, collected self, because I’ve learned that that’s what I need.

2 (28m 33s):
But I think it is. It’s just, that crossover feels very similar.

0 (28m 38s):
Yeah. And it’s look, the friend texting you. How is that any different then a kid badgering. ’cause at some point it must’ve worked out. I mean, at some point in the past, maybe she’s beaten you down or gotten you to do the thing that she wants to do, even when she knew you didn’t want to do it.

2 (29m 0s):
Yeah. Well, all right. How many times have I gone to lunch or go into this or that? And the whole time I’m there, I’m like dreaming of being in bed, just because it’s my obligation to show up as a friend to learn learning. What I want is a brand new language for me right now.

0 (29m 16s):
So it’s easy to get angry with the other people that they, at the end of the day, people treat us the way we’ve taught them to treat us, you know? So it’s like the badgering kid or the badgering friend. It’s like, so you’re saying I have a chance, you know, like, like if I like it has worked at some points. And so they learned that maybe if there are super nudgy, you will be like, fine. I’ll just go and you’ll suck it up. And so when we start to be a different trans you know, the transformations happening and we’re going to be were not that little tiny count Caterpillar anymore. Like you’re like this Monarch butterfly, and they’re not used to you, you look different, you sound different, you’re acting different and it’s unfamiliar to them.

0 (30m 5s):
And they just want you to go back to being who you were because they are human and everybody’s Sikhs the familiar. And so this new You, right? Like they’re badgering and badgering. And so, yeah, you didn’t answer. And you may say who like the me now who doesn’t want this badgering behavior to, you know, to continue how to use this as an opportunity to change this relationship and set of new precedent. Now I might be like, you took a few days. I’m not sure.

2 (30m 40s):
Like, I just want to help me.

0 (30m 44s):
No worries. It’s like, we can be the people pleaser, or we can be the ice queen and ice them out. So how do we show up in healthy boundaries? Right? Like this would be a great situation to practice, you know? It’s like, I love you. And I love that you want to be with me. And like, I’ve loved, you know, being in this COVID period in terms of not, it wasn’t an option to go to lunch. It wasn’t an option to have a bunch of plans and I’m sticking to that.

0 (31m 25s):
I’m not a lunch, or I don’t want to lunch. I don’t want to take an hour. I can, even when I’m not working, I absolutely can. I don’t want to. And it doesn’t mean it’s not anything about you. It’s about doing what I want to do.

2 (31m 43s):
I’m Elsa. Fuck. Right by your screen,

0 (31m 52s):
You’re done. I’m out. Right. And it’s like, you know what I like? And when you send me five texts, all I’m thinking is why are you hearing me? Like, aye, like we, like, you know,

2 (32m 8s):
Can I stop you with a fork? If my phone beeps one more time, I’m gonna lose my shit.

0 (32m 15s):
Yeah. And so, and so the boundary might be to just so you know, if you invite me to lunch, there’s a pretty certain chances. I’m going to say no. And thank you. And if you text me afterwards, I’m not going to respond. It’s just done.

2 (32m 32s):
I said, this is anonymous because I didn’t really think that it was for me, that it was,

0 (32m 37s):
I, it was like, Oh, Bay, there are all about Post Covid. Allie says, I’ve learned, you also don’t have to give an excuse. You can just say, thank you. But no. Yeah, you can. And you know what people will test and people will test and people will test because that’s what happens. And, you know, Lindsay, I have to think it actually is a really good about saying, like, I love you and the answers now, I don’t want to do that. Like, I don’t want to do that. Like you are like, I’ve got to go. All right.

2 (33m 10s):
Right. And now that I know the why, I’m just honest. Like, I need a lot of downtime. I w I burn and churn. And when I’m done burning and churning, I need to close my eyes and, and re regroup and have that call.

0 (33m 25s):
When you’re setting boundaries. You guys, I want you all to remember. There’s it’s, I-statements like when somebody, I mean, I talked about the fundraiser and the gala, and then those things, because now I’ll tell y’all the invitations don’t come often, because now there are certain there’s times when I’m like, nobody invites me to anything anymore, because I, because I was very clear, like, I, we don’t, we don’t go to the gallows are fundraisers and, you know, to the development person who, I love it, my kids school, and she’s so good. She knows. I’m like, I will donate to your cause. I’m not showing up.

0 (34m 6s):
And she laughs about it. And I’m like, she lots about it. And she was like, I know you’re not going to show up, but I just wanted to reach out. And I’m like, yeah, cool. You know? And I’ve said, you know, and I know we can say no, without an excuse. I have said, you know, it doesn’t work for us. We try to go out during the week as little as possible. And I’m, I’m not a person who likes cocktail parties or fundraisers or galas. It’s not my thing. I know a lot of people live for that stuff. It’s not mine. Right.

2 (34m 35s):
Every time I’ve ever been to one of those, I can like, remember where I’m sitting, like my pretty dress and thinking, Oh my God, why the fuck am I here?

0 (34m 44s):
Let me read a couple of these. Annie says, Lindsay, I feel the same way where my kids test my Boundaries. Didn’t you hear me? This sophomore is hard for me. It says, Michelle, I think I cleansed away saying no. Once my back is against the wall. So it comes out more harshly, you know? And this stuff is like the butterfly braking out of the Chrysalis. Like its going to be cocky. Like we are not going to handle it perfectly. And it might be clunky and there might be off it a lot. I like the first couple of times I was like, were not, you know, there was over-talking I’m not doing galas. Like we kind of made Scott and I sat down and had like I over explained I did too much. It’s fine.

0 (35m 24s):
She got the message. And then the more I did it, the more I did it. And then there was a While that I would say we don’t do galas or fundraisers or you know, things during the week, then for a while it came out as like, like condescending and patronizing, like I’m better, you know like, like, like, like were too important or, you know, for a while it came out like in a gross way that I, it seemed like I thought I was too self-important to bother myself with the people. And I was like, that isn’t true. I just don’t want to. And so then I just started getting more honest and that was like, you know, just, I don’t know, we’re just kind of laying on.

0 (36m 6s):
I want to be in our bed at night caught and showered and we’re just, you know, I don’t know. That’s just what we like to do. And so we, this is our deal, you know,

2 (36m 19s):
I feel like I have found, and this is my last statement before I turned my camera off. I want you to call on Lisa. I found it super helpful that once I learned what badgering was and really understood it in terms of Boundaries and how our kids respond is that I’ve actually taught to the littles who are The, my oldest. I don’t remember if he’s never done it, but I taught them what it means. And I remember them saying that word you’re badgering me. And I remember the same. What does that mean? And describing and walking them through that. And so that became part of the rule.

2 (36m 59s):
You’re a little insurance plan at the end of the PRODUCTIVE combo saying, and if you Badger and remember a badgering means, blah, blah, blah. And they’re like, why, why can’t I Badger? Because the rule is this. And when you question it and you begged for it and you’re like, why, why, why that’s bad right now? So we’ve had a lot of conversations about what badgering is. Anna had to kind of empathize saying that. And it’s hard because here you are, you’re just a kid. And you’re like, I don’t want all these rules. And this is actually this morning.

0 (37m 37s):
So I think it’s helpful to, to refer to badgering as a form of bullying. Umm, you know, bullying is when somebody infringes on, you know, you’re space in some way, they’re forcing themselves on you, where they have what they want on you. They’re not respecting your body or your space. And you know, maybe they’re not respecting you because they are actually calling you a name. Maybe they’re just, you know, insisting you do something that you don’t want to do. So badgering is a form of bullying and in our family, you know, we have a no bullying policy, you know, there’s, there’s no one that is allowed to bully you outside of this house.

0 (38m 21s):
And, and obviously you’re not going to other people and we don’t bully each other in the house. So when I say no, no means no. And here’s our rule. So, you know, reinforcing that, I think also helps them to take the skills outside of the house and, and to understand it. And you know, I think with kids, like as far as like sometimes we can just say no and we don’t have to give an excuse with that’s what ally said with kids’. I think it’s important. Ya’ll need to remember with kids that doesn’t work so well. Like when you are establishing the rule is important to explain the why, because kids like, they want to know why they are curious being like, why do we have the no back to back birthday parties rule?

0 (39m 4s):
Why do we have the will of, you know, two books by bedtime and lights out at this time? And if the books don’t happen by then it’s lights out anyway, why do we have these rules mostly it’s to help your body, you know, be safe and healthy and the gro, right? And, and the no bullying is that this has to be a safe zone for everyone. You know, it’s physically safe. It’s, it’s emotionally safe. Everybody gets to feel the way that they feel. And you know, infringing on somebody else’s space is not the way we operate. It’s against our family rules. It’s not being a responsible team member. So we are explaining the why underneath these things, then you get buy-in and you do it at a non-relevant time.

0 (39m 50s):
And then when it’s time for the follow-through the repeating often following through consistently, like it, this is not the first time they’ve heard it. Right. And that’s just our way of setting our expectations and then following through on it. And then after that has happened, then we can be like, no, and I’m not engaging when I ask just one more of those, what do you mean? It’s like, Oh, we didn’t get our time. You know the rule, we’re not discussing this further. I love you that you can try again tomorrow we can get in the bathroom earlier tomorrow and then we can say, no, you know, then we could do, thanks for listening today, guys. I hope you’ve picked up some tips or tools, maybe some baby steps for creating more balance and boundaries in your life.

0 (40m 36s):
And I just wanted to let you know, if you want to continue moving the needle forward in creating this for yourself, having a happier household. I want you to go to my website and check out Mastermind, Parenting dot com. We have three beginning programs. And if you need some accountability and more support, then please look for the one that would be a good fit for you. And as always, we’re on all the social channels under Mastermind Parenting on Instagram, it’s Mastermind, underscore Parenting. And you know, periodically I do pop up on different Instagram lives, Facebook lives, where I give you a teaching and coaching.

0 (41m 18s):
And I love engaging with you live to help you help your strong-willed kids so that they can feel better because when they feel better, they do better. And I love, love, love, getting to know you guys. So thanks for listening. If you like this podcast, please don’t forget to subscribe, rate and review super, super appreciative.

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Creating A Happier Household

by Randi Rubenstein