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152: Understanding Adult Triggers & Emotional Dysregulation

By July 13, 2021November 8th, 2023Mastermind Parenting Podcast
Understanding Adult Triggers & Emotional Dysregulation

In this episode I told a bunch of true stories to really explore the concept of emotional dysregulation and how it informs “less than awesome” adult behavior. As we continue with the summer of balance series, it’s important to explore adult behavior and whether you and your partner are modeling the behavior you are expecting of your kids.

It can be very difficult to look honestly at yourself, check in and get curious about your own patterns. Yes, this adulting thing is hard! Many of us avoid taking an honest look at ourselves AND asking whether we are setting the wrong example for kids.

As always, thanks for listening, and be sure and head over to Facebook and you can join my free group Mastermind Parenting Community, where we post tips and tools and do pop up Live conversations where I do extra teaching and coaching to support you in helping your strong-willed children so that they can FEEL better and DO better. If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it!

About Randi Rubenstein

Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.

She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.

At Mastermind Parenting, we believe every human deserves to have a family that gets along.

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0 (1s):
My name’s Randi Rubenstein, and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast at Mastermind Parenting, we’re on a mission to support strong-willed kids and the families that love them.

1 (13s):
You’re listening to the Mastermind Parenting pocket casts with Randi Rubenstein episode one D two. Well, hi guys. Welcome to July I today. I want to just, I was thinking I know what I want to talk about, but I don’t know. There’s so many stories that have been happening lately. And I thought, I think I’m just going to share a bunch of stories with you and see if there’s a thread that weaves it all back together. I have a feeling there will be. So I’m just going to have some fun, doing a little storytelling and I hope you guys enjoy it. So the first story that came to my mind was I had a friend over a new friend.

1 (55s):
He happens to also be a dad in my private mastermind, who is a neighbor. And I’m like, not on my street, but like on my walking path, I walk my dogs all the time and his name is Seth. And I actually am going to have him on the podcast a little later this month. And so y’all will get to know Seth and, and I’ve been trying to talk Seth into being a co-host for me sometimes. And he’s like, I don’t know. I’m not sure, but you’ll see. He’s freaking hilarious. And, and so I finally talked him into it. So he’s going to be on this month and maybe there will be future Seth episodes.

1 (1m 37s):
I’m not sure, but Seth has his wife, Sarah, who was in the mastermind first? Well, technically they both joined my private mastermind as a couple, but I didn’t know Seth because like most of the dads, he wasn’t involved took them a while to get involved. And I love busting his chops about that. And so I didn’t know Seth, but I knew his wonderful wife, Sarah. And so Seth now has moved into, you know, like a few streets away from me and we’ve gotten to know each other and we’ve become friendly. And he, you know, he, he likes all the things that he’s learning in my mastermind.

1 (2m 20s):
And so we have a lot to talk about. And so his family was out of town because Sarah is a physician and we live in Texas, but Seth and Sarah, his kids go to a camp, two boys go to a camp in New York and Sarah goes with them and she’s the physician at camp for the three weeks that they’re there. So Seth was a home, was home alone in his house for like three weeks. And so I kept saying, you know, you’ll come over, you’ll come over for a drink, you know, or come play ping pong or do something. So he comes over one night and he’s hanging with me and Scott and we’re sitting on our porch and we’re drinks. And, and just getting, I dunno, you know, even this Scott and Seth had never really spent a lot of time together.

1 (3m 8s):
I’ve mostly talked to him about like parenting stuff, but we just were talking and just finding out more about like life and stories and what made him become a lawyer and just, just learning. I mean, I love learning about people and their stories. So we were having a fun night and just hanging out and he was cracking this up and, and towards the end of the night, and it was really good because like in my private life, I really don’t want to talk about parenting. And I kind of hate it in my personal life when people pick my brain about things, especially when we’re around my family.

1 (3m 48s):
I mean, I don’t hate it. It’s my favorite thing to problem solve kid issues. And I know it is my zone of genius and it’s kind of where I just light up and feel energized, but it’s not very fun for my family. And so, so I really try to shy away from that when I’m, you know, hanging with an adult, having adult time and, and not to subject my husband to that. And so like, they live with me, they don’t need to hear me teaching the things that I teach. So, so I have this lovely night and towards the end of the night, Seth brought up one of my programs and he, you know, I named, I named the different tools.

1 (4m 33s):
I teach a lot of times, I just named them these goofy acronyms. And there’s a reason why I named them these goofy acronyms, because, because I kind of feel like when it’s goofy, it’s kind of fun and you’re more likely to remember it. And so you used some term and Scott was like, what, what are you saying? And Seth kind of looked at me like, he doesn’t know, like, how does he not know your Scheck? You know? And, and I, so then I had to like explain what the acronym stood for. And, you know, Scott was like, you’re such a dork. And I’m like, people remember it when it’s a little dorky, you know, SAP from my productive conversation, how to master empathy without seeming like a SAP, you know, like these are not soft skills.

1 (5m 15s):
These are important skills, but let’s just have some fun with it and call it out. So anyway, we were doing that and Scott was kind of rolling his eyes. And then Seth just, you know, was like, you know, it’s kind of like when you’re dysregulated and yada, yada and Scott said, my husband have this year will be 25 years, who has literally lived with me as I’ve developed Mastermind Parenting, and he’s lived it. Right. He’s been a part of the process. He’s like, what term do you keep using? And we’re like, I was like, dysregulated. He’s like, what does that mean? How’s it? And I just was like, how do you not know what that means? He’s like, I don’t know what that means.

1 (5m 55s):
So that got me to thinking, you know, a lot of times we throw these terms out and people don’t know what they mean. You know, it’s kind of like, it sounds clinical. And so, because we use terms like when our children are dysregulated, meaning you’re unbalanced, your nervous system is wonky. You know, you are not your best self because you feel rattled in your body. And it made me realize like, this is not a term that is mainstream, but my husband doesn’t know what it means. And so, so I just kind of wanted to break that down a little bit more in case I haven’t that the term dysregulation is also known as Emotional Dysregulation and it refers to a poor ability to manage emotional responses.

1 (6m 47s):
You know, it may also be referred to as marked fluctuation of mood, mood swings. And when someone’s experiencing Emotional Dysregulation, they may have angry outbursts, anxiety, depression. So when we’re dysregulated in our central nervous system, it basically means like we’re not capable of being in our thinking brain in that moment, like our smartest best, most awesome self that’s when that’s, when we behave like lunatics, that’s when our kids behave like little lunatics. That’s when people have temper tantrums, old people and young people, it’s all those moments that we don’t exactly feel proud of later.

1 (7m 32s):
It’s when we’re not feeling calm and centered and grounded in our body. Okay. So I just wanted to explain what the term dysregulated is. And I want you to think about, you know, we all have moments of dysregulation, all of us. Sometimes you might get a text from your mother-in-law or you’re, you know, an old friend or another parent or somebody that’s sort of a friend of me. And you can just tell like, something about it is a little judgy or snarky. And in that moment, your heart starts to race a little bit, or you just feel hot and you’re pissed and you got to call someone and you got to vent, or you’re you like, I don’t need to deal with this shit.

1 (8m 25s):
And then you like, take it out on somebody else that you love later, but you’re not really sure why it’s just because there’s things that happen in our lives. There are circumstances that happen that cause us to feel a certain way. And, and, and usually it’s because something about that situation makes us think like that other person thinks I’m an idiot or thinks that I’m dumb or thinks that I don’t matter or doesn’t respect me, or it just dismissed me or, you know, or I don’t feel safe with that person. That person just sent me a text. And I know that they’re talking about me to other people, or, you know, there’s a, there’s a number of things, but it just causes us to feel dysregulated in our central nervous system.

1 (9m 12s):
And then our brain spins and, and we have fluctuations in, are the chemicals running through our veins. It causes us to have, you know, heightened stress hormones. So there is a, it’s a real physiological response that your habit that you’re having that has to do with some circumstance that happened in your environment. Okay. I just wanted to lay that out there. And I, and you know, this summer, we’ve been talking a lot about balance and balance in our bodies balance in our lives. And balance always starts with noticing what, when and what causes you to feel dysregulated in your body, what those sensations are when they show up and then getting a handle on it.

1 (10m 5s):
And there’s a lot of different things that you can do to get a handle on it, but even just becoming aware of those moments is a great first step. Okay. Is a great first step. So the balance has to start with you and you can’t expect your kids to show up feeling regulated, which little kids live in their emotional brains for the most part. So lots, they have lots and lots of dysregulated moments during the day, but just know that like it’s like everything starts at the top and trickles down. So if you’re walking around in a dysregulated state, a lot of the time or quick to explode, just know that like your kids will be too. Okay. So, so the only thing you truly have control over is yourself and where we’re going to start is noticing when you have those moments of dysregulation in your body and starting just to bring more awareness to that.

1 (10m 59s):
Okay. Now my next story that I want to talk about is I’ve been working with this couple and I’ve been working with this couple. I don’t know something’s been going on where I’ve been lately dealing with a lot of men, and usually I’m dealing more with women, but I don’t know. I’ve just been finding ways to invite more men from the conversation. And that’s been super fun and kind of challenging. And something’s happening in my brain where I’m just like studying men. And, and I never know when I’m in process. I never know exactly why, but I’ve just been having a good time kind of interacting and studying the men, the men’s.

1 (11m 45s):
So I have this couple and I’ve really gotten to know the wife a lot, but I hadn’t gotten to know the husband as much. And I’m absolutely crazy about her. She’s awesome. She’s like, you know, my she’s laughing because she left me a message, I think yesterday or the day before she goes, I was talking to my assistant and telling her how you, Randy just keeps telling me, I need to get my shit together. She, and she was laughing about it. And, you know, and I was like, well, I didn’t say it exactly like that. She was like, yes, you did. But this is a woman who is a lover of life. And she brings the fun. She brings the magic.

1 (12m 26s):
She comes from a place of, yes, we’re working on boundaries. And, and, you know, the way she kind of will describe things is that she’s out there living life to the fullest and her husband kind of, you know, has the boring, you know, law job. And she’s got, you know, this whole creative business and she’s, you know, got all these Instagram followers and, and her businesses, this is a blast. She’s super passionate about her business. And then you got three kids, you know, so she’s got a busy life, three kids and schedules and sports and all the things.

1 (13m 9s):
And then husband works in his law practice and, you know, then comes home. And so we’re trying to kind of just help them communicate better with each other. And so it was asking them about a situation recently that you know, where they were at odds. And this simple situation came up, that they were remodeled, they doing a little remodel project on their house. And they were at odds because there’s this room upstairs that was sort of their playroom. And she said, you know, my kids never go upstairs. They’re like on top of me all the time, it never gets used.

1 (13m 51s):
It’s one of the largest rooms in our house, or it is the largest room upstairs in our house. And it’s a waste of space nobody’s using it. And it would just be much, it would be a much better use of the space if we made it into one of the girl’s bedrooms and she had this whole explanation. Okay. So dad had said, I want to keep it as a dedicated playroom. I think it’s nice for kids to have a dedicated space. And he had his whole argument and he thought that, you know, that was the decision. But then he comes home from work one day and there’s a big brand new pottery barn bed in the room like this girly split sleigh bed.

1 (14m 36s):
And the room is painted pink. And you know, when I work with couples, I always have them do all these fun assessments. So they’re wired very differently. And she said, O M G like you would have thought I had done the worst thing in the entire world. Like that literally is the maddest I’ve ever seen him get. Okay. So when he came home and saw the playroom painted pink with this brand new sleigh bed, he was dysregulated in that moment. He was pissed. He was pissed that sit. And so of course I called, I called that whole situation, playroom gate and play room gate caused him to be more dysregulated in his body.

1 (15m 25s):
Then maybe he had, you had ever been before in their entire marriage. And, you know, was it really the playroom being painted pink? No. When we started delving in and digging in, there was other things that were coming up. But at the end of the day, you know, he felt ignored. He felt dismissed. He felt like he felt blindsided. He felt like they come to an agreement. And then he came home and the room’s pink, you know, sometimes you guys, it can be these simple situations and that caused you to go into a major state of dysregulation. And I mean, because I promise you when dad comes home and sees the room painted pink, and he goes into a total state of dysregulation, you think the rest of the evening is peaceful for anyone in that home.

1 (16m 17s):
You think the kids are affected like mom and dad fighting over playroom gate. Yeah. It’s going to take the whole household down. And I want y’all, you know, when we, when we dug into it, of course there was old unfinished business and other things, things that were really coming up for him, but you don’t know that in that moment of dysregulation. Okay. You don’t know that. And so I think it’s important to notice when you have these dysregulated explosive moments. Like, holy shit, what just happened?

1 (16m 59s):
Why did I, do you get so bent out of shape? What was really coming up? Like adding that piece of curiosity to what was really coming up for me so often helps to learn from this moment and sort of start dissolving it. So that next time, like we can handle it, the pink playroom in the sleigh bed in a much calmer, you were more rational way and not become, as I like to say the wronger one, you know, the one who all of a sudden becomes, because the minute we become the lunatic that explodes over the little things we sort of learn, it was all credibility. Right.

1 (17m 39s):
And so, you know, was it right for her to spring the pink playroom in the sleigh bed, on him? When that definitely hadn’t been decided on? Yeah, of course it was. But minute he starts to get so crazy and dysregulated, you know, it’s like, whoever’s the, wrongest one trumps the initial wrongdoing. So start to notice when you have these moments where you get extremely dysregulated or explosive over something simple, like play room gate and, and bring a little curiosity and like, what the hell is coming up for me and start to dig in and ask yourself those questions. Dad, I’ve been working with privately, who was like, I get triggered and I need to work on this.

1 (18m 23s):
I need to work on Y you get so triggered over little things. So I had them share a recent scenario. And the recent scenario was he was reading to his five-year-old son it’s summertime, and they read a story. They’ve read a lot of times. And after the story, mom comes in and mom says, and mom, you know, has done the programs in the mastermind. And dad has been supportive of it, but he hadn’t really taken part in doing the actual programs himself. The same reason that many men don’t take part.

1 (19m 5s):
And initially is ’cause, you know, they’re very busy doing more important things, not realizing that this is the most important thing, and this will affect their entire life and marriage and relationships. And they’ll learn tools that they can bring with them to all the important things like work, you know, whatever. But this, you know, it’s like even the good guys can justify why they don’t really need to do the work, but then ultimately the good guys come around and they eventually do the work. So this is a dad who his wife she’s drinking the mastermind. Kool-Aid, she’s been practicing the tools. She comes from an amazing place. She’s got so much patients.

1 (19m 48s):
They tried for like 10 years to have their sons, that they went through a lot of fertility. Like these boys are so wanted. So loved. It’s a beautiful family. And the couple, they have such a sweet relationship. So even though dad needs to work on his triggers, dad gets meaning dad explodes easily. You know, it’s a nice way of saying like, nobody wants to come and say, look, there’s sometimes that I explode and act like a raving lunatic. Nobody wants to say that about themselves, but that’s really sort of what it means. I’ve lots of moments of dysregulation that I’m not so proud of. And I know it’s not healthy and I don’t want, you know, and my wife knows it’s not healthy and not healthy for me, not healthy for my boys.

1 (20m 35s):
So I’ve got to work on this stuff. So then working with dad, so this recent scenario, dad’s reading to his son and they read this book and mom comes in afterwards, just check it on things. You know, being her little mom, self, just checking on things. And she noticed what book they’re reading. So she’s like, so, you know, you really need to work on reading comprehension. You know, it’s like good mom. Here’s all the things from the, all the edge educators. Don’t let all their skills go, you know, stale in the summer, keep working on that reading comprehension, which y’all stopped with the freaking reading comprehension.

1 (21m 18s):
Like really? So anyway, so mom comes in, mom’s gonna multitask. And she’s like starts quizzing five-year-old about this story. And the five-year-old it’s the end of the day. He’s just snugly in bed. He just heard the story with dad. And now all of a sudden mom and her agenda, sweet well-intentioned mom and her agenda come in and starts asking him about what happened at the story. And five-year-old says, I don’t know. And dad says, w I just read you that whole story.

1 (21m 60s):
What do you mean? You don’t know? Like he gets triggered and five-year-old says, I don’t remember. And he’s like, you don’t remember it. Then it’s like game on. So dad gets triggered. Dad gets dysregulated. Dad starts getting accusatory. All of a sudden this delicious reading moment, you know, sending his boy off to a sleep, feeling loved and nurtured and connected with his dad. All of a sudden that moment’s ruined because of the reading comprehension agenda and dad gets triggered, you know? So when I quizzed dad, like what, what about it bothered you so much?

1 (22m 40s):
I like, what was the sentence going through your head? And he’s like, WTF, like, what do you mean you don’t remember? And as we kind of dissected the scenarios, such a nothing little scenario, but it’s like, what caused you to be so dysregulated, let’s get curious about that. What are you making that behavior mean? What are you actually pissed about? What are you actually worried about? And it was interesting when we dug in, because you know, dad at the end was like, yeah, I got it. You know, like he got curious about why he got so bent out of shape about that when the truth of the matter is, is the time to ask your son, you know, go over his reading comprehension skills to make sure they don’t go stale at the end of a long day for a five-year-old right.

1 (23m 30s):
When he’s settling in for bed. No, not the best timing. It’s like, it’s like going in and asking your boss for a raise when they, you know, just found out that their wife was leaving him or something like, no, no, your audience, you know, look at the other person’s perspective, have a little empathy, meet them where they are. And, and, and, and dad was bringing his own agenda. Like, why am I wasting my time? If you’re not even going to absorb any of it? Like, why am I wasting my time here? And I said, well, is it a waste of your time? He said, well, when I asked him about it, he said, he just likes, he wasn’t really listening to this story.

1 (24m 10s):
He just likes the sound of my voice. And I said, why is that a bad thing? And he’s like, well, I don’t need to waste my time. Like, he’s just sitting there hearing the sound of my voice. I said, wait a minute. Is that at the end of a long day, he’s basically saying what I need right now, dad is to be loved to sleep, to feel safe, your voice it’s, it’s slow, it’s grounding. It’s calming my nervous system down. It’s making me feel soothed and ready for sleep. Like, what’s wrong with that? He told you the best part of that story was not the actual story it was being with you and you making him feel safe and grounded and loved, like, why is that a bad thing?

1 (24m 57s):
And dad’s like, yeah, that’s a good point. That’s a good point. So afterwards, you know, I said, so let’s come up with a trigger plan. And we worked through it. We named what that trigger actually was, what was really lurking beneath the surface there for him. And then we had a mantra, you know, and we also talked about like, when you notice that you’re getting triggered, like, like doing some things that calm your own central nervous system, I taught him this little thing that you can do in your ear. That that actually is a way to affect the vagus nerve that runs throughout your body that helps to stabilize your nervous system, you know?

1 (25m 38s):
And, and then he was like, Ooh, there’s this scene from this movie? Have you ever seen the movie bad boys? And he was telling me about a character and how he always like, rolls his ears and does this thing in his ears. And I said, yeah, taking a deep audible, inhale and exhale, a series of three of them that literally sends calming hormones through your body, lowers cortisol levels, doing that little ear trick, like from the movie. Yes. Like you like direct access to the Vegas nerve. You know, this is science like how freaking cool is that noticing when you’re triggered and then taking the measures to calm your body down. So I thought that was super cool.

1 (26m 20s):
Okay. The last, well, maybe not the last story. The second to the last story that I wanted to share with you guys is my daughter is home from college and very full circle. She’s babysitting. She’s been babysitting in the morning for a teacher that was her second grade teacher. And when she was younger, who now has her own kids and her second grade teacher, she said, you know, she’s her baby is a COVID baby. And we’re like, what does that mean? Well, she was born at the beginning of COVID. So now she’s like 18 months old and she’s never been away from mommy. She never had to be away from mommy. So she got major separation anxiety.

1 (27m 3s):
So mom was all worried. And I said, don’t worry, don’t worry. Avery can handle it. So Avery, the first couple of days, mommy was there, but just working in her office. And so a worry was there. And the little, the little one was getting used to, you know, Avery and there was some crying, but for the most part, it was, you know, it was okay. Cause mom was just in the next room and Avery could kind of bring her to see mom and, and, and help her to feel calmer and safer and more regulated in her body, the child, you know, by seeing mom. But this particular morning, mom was actually going to be leaving the house for a doctor’s appointment.

1 (27m 43s):
And so Avery is like, okay, this is it. It’s de de you know, I know she’s going to be hysterical. And so I said, okay, so here’s the thing I said, what most people don’t know is that you actually handle it the opposite way of what you would think. I said, even an 18 month old, you got to validate her feelings. So when she’s dysregulated, what’s going to help her to feel calmer is to empathize with her, to see her perspective, not to try to talk her out of her perspective. When you empathize with a person an 18 month old or a, you know, 48 year old, when you empathize with someone, by seeing their perspective, whether it’s calm eyes or yeah.

1 (28m 39s):
That’s really hard. Wow. Stressful. Huh? When you don’t try to talk someone out of their feelings and you just are like, yeah, I get it. I got it. Like you’re entitled to those feelings. It doesn’t matter what age, all humans feel calmer and more regulated in their bodies when you properly empathize. So what does that look like for an 18 month old? I said to Avery, when she starts crying, what does she say? She says,

2 (29m 13s):
Mommy, mommy, I miss mommy. I want mommy. I want mommy.

1 (29m 17s):
And I said, all you say is, do you love your mommy? She’s the best. She’s the best mommy in the whole world. You loved her so much. So you said, you’re not trying to tell out of it. I said, and you just say, yes, she’s the best. Mommy. You love her. Let’s look at pictures of mommy. Where is she showed me pictures. So anyway, after words, I was like, how did go? She was like, perfect. And I was like, it did, you know, crying. She was like, well, no, she started crying. But then I did that thing. And then I even, I went on my phone and pulled up pictures of her mommy on Facebook and showed her pictures.

1 (29m 58s):
And we looked at pictures of mommy for a second. And then she was fine, no crying. Like it was literally like magic. I was like, yeah, isn’t that funny? How that does that? It literally calms the nervous system when we know the right communication tools. So dysregulation being able to see the other person’s perspective when you are with someone else who is dysregulated, don’t try to talk them out of their feelings. Just know less talking is more like, literally, like it’s like, it’s like we should take tips from how to calm an 18 month old.

1 (30m 41s):
You love mommy like less talking is more so empathy, empathy with your eyes, which Avery, my daughter calls soft eyes. All you gotta do is look at them with soft eyes and get them to look at you. And you just have this soft eyes and the like you see their bodies relax. So that’s how you support a dysregulated person is you try and give them empathy if they are extremely explosive, especially if it’s an extremely explosive adult person, like your partner do not fight with them. It’s very triggering when people are explosive, get away from them. You know, if you can empathize, just be like, I, I hear you.

1 (31m 24s):
Yes. It’s super annoying. Yeah. I got, I got it. Like help them to tag out disengage from them. Don’t try to have some big conversation in that moment or tell them why they should think differently. Like all that does is add extra input to a person who’s already dysregulated and it never turns out well. And you know, look, I have, I, I wanted to share a win are two from, there was a conversation going on with the moms in my group. And they’ve all been working on this. And, and one of the tools that we teach is the Q-tip quit taking it personally because when other people are dysregulated and not being their best selves and acting, you know, less than awesome, let’s just call it that it’s easy to get triggered yourself and to accidentally exacerbate the situation.

1 (32m 22s):
So I thought there was a couple of wins that my mom shared that y’all might relate to. And I thought they were big deal wins. Okay. Cause it involved them not exacerbating the situation. So one of my moms said, just wanted to share a parenting win earlier today while helping my son iron on labels for sleepaway camp, he freaked out and yelled at me that I messed it up and said that I ruined everything. Typically I would have been super hurt and felt bad about myself and caused a fight and a power struggle. However, today, thanks to this work IQ tipped. And didn’t say a word in the moment, then just now several hours later, he comes up to me and says, mommy, I’m really sorry. I was mean to you earlier.

1 (33m 2s):
I was just really stressed. I hugged him and said, I forgive you, baby. Sometimes we take our stress out on those. We love the most, it isn’t right. But we all do it. Thanks for the apology. Okay. You guys there so much about that right there? That like, I was like, this is a big deal. When, I mean, it’s like, she didn’t try to fix it. She didn’t lecture him. She allowed him to come to it on his own. She didn’t exacerbate the situation. And then she acknowledged like it’s vulnerable to own your stuff and to apologize. And then she said, thanks for the apology. You know?

1 (33m 43s):
Like, like she acknowledged the courage. It took for him to be big enough to come and, and own it. You know? And she also amplified like me too. Sometimes we all take the stress out on the people we love the most and that’s the damn truth. And when we try to act like we never do it to our kids and our kids do it to us, it’s like hypocritical, our kids aren’t buying it. They know we freaking do you, you know it. So like she didn’t rub it in. She was just like, yeah, I do that too. And Hey, I appreciate your apology. Like this is, I thought that was handled so beautifully. Another win from a mom.

1 (34m 23s):
She said, I have a win to share from tonight that melts my heart. My daughter was in a room laying down on her bed with her feet on the floor. And she had a squishy toy on her hands. And my son wanted to play rough and came in too hard. This is her much younger brother and hit her in the stomach and she yelled ouch. And then she sat up, she was defensive. I was in the room with them and I came close to make sure she wouldn’t hit him back. And I asked her, I said, are you okay? And then I said, did you like that? This is older sister. She’s about eight, seven or eight. And younger brother is just about three. Okay.

1 (35m 3s):
So I said, are you okay to the older sister? She did you like that? She said, no. I said, well, tell your brother. So he knows. So she looked at her younger brother and she said, I didn’t like that. And then the three year old came with his arms open and said, I’m so sorry, sister. I’m so sorry. And they both hugged in the most loving way. She kissed his head and told him he could play with her squishy toy. My heart just melted. And I gave them some attaboys. What a sweet moment to witness. I think they’re truly learning how to handle conflict. And it was a surprise to see my daughter, my younger son, my younger son apologize like that to his big sister.

1 (35m 48s):
So there, we had two kids that were dysregulated. Mama stayed regulated. She didn’t get all bent out of shape. She could think clearly she had the tools. She walked them through it. She walked them through it and they resolved the conflict. And it ended with sharing and love and hugs. Like this is what being a regulated adult, a person who’s able to stay in control of your central nervous system and utilize the tools to be able to stay in control rather than accidentally becoming explosive and dysregulated yourself, right? Like this is how the whole family benefits.

1 (36m 30s):
So balance does begin balance in your life. Does begin with you working on your own self-regulation you can not teach what you don’t have. If you want your kids to be more regulated, you know, take note of how often you’re feeling dysregulated and what it feels like and looks like in those dysregulated moments. And just like I did with the one dad come up with a trigger plan. What are you going to do when you start to notice yourself becoming dysregulated? Are you going to take three deep breaths?

1 (37m 10s):
Are you going to learn the, the Vegas nerve inner ear trick? Are you going to have a mantra in your head? What are you? Are you going to walk away and have a little mindfulness and get yourself back together and then come back? What is your trigger plan for when you are dysregulated? Okay. That’s what I got for you guys. Hope you have a great week.

0 (37m 35s):
Thanks for listening today, guys. I hope you picked up some tips tools, maybe some baby steps for creating more balance and boundaries in your life. And I just wanted to let you know, if you want to continue moving the needle forward in creating this for yourself, having a happier household. I want you to go to my website and check out Mastermind, Parenting dot com. We have three beginning programs, and if you need some accountability and more support than please look for the one that would be a good fit for you. And as always, we’re on all the social channels under Mastermind Parenting on Instagram, it’s Mastermind, underscore parenting, and you know, periodically I do pop up on different Instagram lives, Facebook lives, where I give you teaching and coaching.

0 (38m 28s):
And I love engaging with you live to help you help your strong-willed kids so that they can feel because when they feel better, they do better. And I love, love, love, getting to know you guys. So thanks for listening. If you like this podcast, please don’t forget to subscribe, rate and review super, super appreciative.

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Creating A Happier Household

by Randi Rubenstein