Skip to main content

153: A Convo with Mastermind Dad, Seth: Parenting on the Same Page

By July 27, 2021November 8th, 2023Mastermind Parenting Podcast
A Convo with Mastermind Dad, Seth: Parenting on the Same Page

Seth and I had a candid convo about life before he was “drinking the Mastermind Parenting koolaid” and what actually helped him and his wife, Sarah, begin to parent on the same page.

We talked about what got him to buy into the process and truly become part of the solution rather than accidentally adding to the tension in the family. We cover male privilege, explosive moments and how to support your partner when he/she is dysregulated and more!

As always, thanks for listening, and be sure and head over to Facebook and you can join my free group Mastermind Parenting Community, where we post tips and tools and do pop up Live conversations where I do extra teaching and coaching to support you in helping your strong-willed children so that they can FEEL better and DO better. If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it!

About Randi Rubenstein

Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.

She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.

At Mastermind Parenting, we believe every human deserves to have a family that gets along.

Randi’s Social Links

Links & Resources

Thanks so much for listening to the Mastermind Parenting podcast, where we support the strong willed child and the families that love them!

If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it using the share button in the podcast player above.

Don’t forget to subscribe on iTunes, Google Podcasts, Spotify, or Stitcher.


0 (1s):
My name is Randi Rubenstein, and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast at Mastermind Parenting, we’re on a mission to support strong-willed kids and the family’s that loved them. You are listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode 1 53. I’m here with Seth. He’s a dad and my Mastermind. Who’s also, can I say that you’ve become a friend? Are we friends?

1 (27s):
I hope, I hope I’m honored. Yeah. I hope we’re friends.

0 (32s):
So we’re friends.

1 (34s):
I mean, you could give a F of a Walker in my, you know, neighborhood a poop bag. So yeah, you’re a friend so that they could pick up and our yard.

0 (44s):
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So Mastermind dad and fairly new friend of mine and new neighbor, new neighbor. So a little history is that Sarah, Sarah, who Seth is married to started working with me, joined my private mastermind membership a couple of years ago. And I didn’t, I mean, I knew Sarah was married. I didn’t even know your name. And like most moms in the mastermind, there’s just like the husband that they really wish would do the work with them. But then they don’t because even, even the good guys, like the sets and the Scots Scott and my husband, I say, even the good guys still have male privilege lurking underneath, which is, nobody’s saying it out loud, but parenting is more women’s work than men’s work.

0 (1m 42s):
So when things are not going smoothly, the mom’s come and joined the mastermind 95% of the time. And dad is maybe quietly supportive, but not actually engaging in doing the work. Would you say, am I, yeah,

1 (1m 59s):
No. I agree with all that. I think that, you know, male privilege sometimes means that we can bask in the lessons that the wife is learning and, and the, and then implementing certain actions and we can more observe and say, oh, this is working well. Or, you know, thank God she’s here to pick up the pieces. So yeah, absolutely.

0 (2m 26s):
And, and you know, more often than not at the beginning, it’s like it, you know, because, because the person who’s learning the tools, I just had a dad say to me today, he’s like, everything you just described. I did this, one of those, I’m calling it. Same page sessions. Like when I met with you and Sarah renew bought in, I did, I do all these assessments. And, and really then I kind of go through and talk about how you’re wired, how your partner’s wired and, and just kind of help you. You know, I really, I wanna just bring more self awareness to how you were meant to solve problems, how your partner’s meant to solve problems.

0 (3m 6s):
And, and so I just did a session and I went through all their assessments, just like I did with you guys, you know, and woven into a common problem that they were trying to solve. And he reflected back. And he’s like, you know, all of the things that you said, I sort of knew it kind. And he said it, he goes, it kind of have like the de factor. He goes, but it was still good to hear it. Like it was still validating to hear those things.

1 (3m 34s):
I think that we, what you do is you put labels on things and to concepts that we all sort of might know something about. But I think you do a deeper dive into those concepts and also give them a label so that we can speak a certain language.

0 (3m 51s):
But you know, when you, when, when, when you’re first learning the new tools, even though they had the no shit Sherlock Duff factor, and it’s like, huh, show up respectfully to your kid’s and model of that. And they’ll be respectful back when you try to control them and act like an asshole, they’re going to act like controlling assholes back, you know, like it’s like, yeah. I mean, there’s certainly

1 (4m 16s):
The, the dove factor, but I wouldn’t say too, like, it takes a lot of intentionality in the, the internal monologue that you have with yourself and then how then you react and interact with them, you know, your kid’s or your spouse. And so there’s a lot. Yeah, there’s a lot of dub, but there’s a lot of hard work that goes into to getting to understand what the data is.

0 (4m 40s):
And my point is, is that whenever somebody just like, they hear the concept’s and they’re like, yeah, that makes sense. Okay, I’m going to try and do that. And they, it’s a lot of hard work to re to recondition yourself. So when my, my moms start trying to do these, these things that are the dumb things, but they’re still like reconditioning themselves and trying to do it, they’re just growing their sea legs. And so they’re not very good at it yet, you know, they’re, and they’re not very good. You have to start somewhere. As I tell my kids, when they’re like the worst person on whatever sports team, you know, the courage comes from being a beginner and being willing to suck you, you know, because it’s easy to walk out on the basketball court when you know that you’re the one who’s going to be making all of the shots, but when you’re the worst one on the team, you know, and you know, you sort of suck and because you’re a beginner because you haven’t signed up for basketball for five years, all the other kids on the team, you know, this is your first time, you know, it’s hard, it’s vulnerable.

0 (5m 42s):
It’s, it’s hard to be a beginner. So like when my mom’s are growing their sea legs, and they’re just trying out these tools and they sort of suck at it, right. Cause they’re beginners when they have a partner who like is like, yes, I support you honey. But then they see that mom’s trying to have empathy and moms, you know, and you got this little kid who’s speaking to mom or dad disrespectfully and acting like a pain in the ass and these new tools involving empathy and, and all of the mastermind methods don’t seem to be working yet because nobody’s mastered the skills yet. A lot of times, dad, who’s not doing the work too, is like, I mean, this stuff sounds good, but it’s not right.

0 (6m 27s):

1 (6m 27s):
No, we went through some of that. I know before I had understood and embraced Mastermind, we had some of that too, like where Sarah would do pet time or tell me to do pet time. And I was like, this is not working. And this feels awkward. And it feels artificial, you know? Yes. We’ve, we’ve had many moments like that.

0 (6m 51s):
Yeah. And so it’s, you know, so, so you and I were talking kind of offline the other day about how this stuff really works when both parents are on the same page. Yeah. And doing this work together. And, and I said, well, it works faster. You, you know, what, what happens is it really gels and works faster? But I was saying, you know, I like to say the stuff is contagious. And so when I have my moms who are like, I can’t accomplish anything because my husband says he’s on board, but then he undermines or he questions, or he doesn’t really believe. And he’s still doing all of the shaming and blaming and controlling.

0 (7m 33s):
And, and so it’s not, you know, I always say, yes, it can work. You have to get better with your own pack leadership and your own boundaries with your husband first and foremost. Like if he’s not going to get on board board, you, you can’t control him until, you know, you, you can’t control him. You can’t force him to get on board. But what you can do is show up in your pack leadership and, and your leadership energy and tell him to get out of the fucking way and a much nicer way than that. But like, you know, but like, it’s hard for women to stand up and to be like, okay, please just move aside.

0 (8m 13s):
She please just move aside. You’re not being helpful right now. And I’m, and I’m going to do this. So if you’re not going to join me in this program that we invested in, then at least just step aside and allow me to do what I need to do and master the skills. But, but don’t make it harder for me. Don’t make it harder for me. And it’s, it’s hard to step into that leadership energy with your partner and to do it in a way that’s not emasculating. I mean, like it’s, it’s a tricky, it’s a tricky situation. Yeah.

1 (8m 46s):
I think the it’s also hard for a husband to one acknowledge that he’s not contributing as much as he thinks he is. And to, to be told, Hey man, you’re ineffective. And you’re actually kind of dead weight here in the plan of getting our family back together so that we’re all enjoying each other. So I think that that’s also a hard pill to swallow.

0 (9m 7s):
It’s a process, you know, it’s a process and, and I mean, it’s been so cool for me because Sarah was in the mastermind for a while and Sarah is, you know, she’s like that. It’s like, if you, if she was a movie, she’d be Goodwill hunting. Like, she’s that sleep? You know, she’s like that sleeper hit movie that like, you know, it’s, you know, it didn’t have, like, it’s not, she’s not in your face. She’s like this quiet little like, like powerhouse, you know, you know, so every time I offered an experience, she came to the experience, you know, she’s busy doctor. She would show up to coaching calls and get coached and like just got it.

0 (9m 55s):
You know? So I wouldn’t necessarily, it’s not like she was like the purse, the main person chiming in, she wasn’t, you know, front and center and the group, she just kept showing up, kept raising her hand to get coached. And it was just clear that she was very what I like to say, coachable. She was taking it all and taking it all in and she reached out. And so then you guys moved close to my house, just kind of coincidentally. And I walk my dogs as you know, many times a day. And so I started, you know, seeing you guys and you all were having an issue that you were having a hard time getting on the same page about, it was a pretty big issue.

0 (10m 36s):
Whether you were going to add to your family, you know, you have two boys and Sarah wanted a third child and you like my husband, or like, why would anyone in their right mind want more than the children? Am I putting them on my putting words into your mouth? Oh,

1 (10m 51s):
Not at all know.

0 (10m 54s):
And so like my, and my husband’s like you who, who wants more than two children, especially, we’ve got a boy and a girl like it’s done. Right. Like, I don’t like, no. And I’m like, there are people, there are men he’s like you named them. So anyway, Seth was also pulling that. And so Sarah basically was like, you know, I feel like I need to, we need, you know, why would you do a private session with us? So I went over to y’all’s house. You live close to me on a Sunday morning, we sat outside. It was lovely. And I had you guys do all those assessments that I love. Of course she turned out to be a fucking questioner, which like, yeah, like I always say, my question is always there’s the, the questioners and that on the four tendencies test by Gretchen Rubin are the ones who are just like super skeptical.

0 (11m 47s):
And, but once questioners buy into a process, like they buy all, you know, so my question is always start off as a pain, but then they turn out to be like my free marketing agents, which you have like, you know, voluntarily putting posts out on Facebook. Hey guys, you know, here, let me share a resource. So, so by the end of that session, I did my stuff and you kind of turned to me and I don’t know, like what, I mean, it wasn’t, it was, you know, it was an hour and a half. Like how did you go into that session? What were you expecting and how did you come out of it?

1 (12m 25s):
Yeah, that’s a good question. Good question. Good question. So in the beginning of the session, I kind of thought it was going to be so like, we went to a counselor before and I thought that she was pretty neutral and, and maybe even tilted towards me. And I was kind of thankful for that. And then the counselor revealed her biases and then we stopped because we realized actually she couldn’t be of any help. And then we waited a few months and then talk to you. And I thought it was going to be a barrage going the other way of having kind of this intermediary who was totally Procera and it was going to be just a bullying session of get on, get on board man.

1 (13m 9s):
And, and it was really helpful. Right. So I was skeptical at first. And then I like your approach because I think that you ask hard questions and make both husband and wife think about things, right. Both partners thinking about things. Okay. And it was, it was, I mean, in particular, right? I mean, I, I, the questioner and the future tripped for, I don’t know, six years on this issue for years on this issue. So it had been pretty ingrained into my head of how bad things could be and writing. And you, you reframed a lot of my future tripping and fears, and, you know, you, you made those thoughts kind of reshape them into being more helpful and more positive and more productive in the end.

1 (14m 2s):
Right. I mean, it was the big, this was a big wedge in, in, in my and Sarah’s relationship because it was kind of one of those things where we would talk about it, get nowhere there’s no compromise. You either have a kid or you don’t. And so it was, it was a real sticking point for several years.

0 (14m 23s):
And I think that, yeah, I mean, like, just even the fact, like, like she’s, you know, she’s a doctor, she’s a scientist, you’re a lawyer. Yeah. And, and are you a litigator? Yeah. Yeah. Like, you know, it was, you know, you all were yeah. It was battle. Right. Exactly. And so, you know, so after, after that experience, and I just remember at the very end you at me, and you said something like, you know, yeah. You said what you need and you go, whatever that mental jujitsu I feel, I mean, I feel better. Like, I feel like we’re going to be able to handle this.

0 (15m 3s):
Like, y’all, didn’t need me to like hand you guys are too smart people. So the mental jujitsu, which cracked me up and it’s like, y’all are smart people. You didn’t need me to sit there and go, okay guys. So what are we gonna do from here? Like, it was like, we just needed to sort of clear the muck from your brains, get you guys back to a place of partnership and worked together. You know, that’s really the main thing I teach. I’m really a one trick pony. It’s just like, how do we solve a problem? Like, life is about solving problems. So how are we going to solve whatever the current problem is at hand, whether to have a add to our family and have another baby, whether our kid, you know, how to help our kid sleep through the night, you know, there’s having a sleep regression, how to help our older kids stop, you know, being mean to their younger sibling, whatever the problem is.

0 (15m 58s):
We were like, how do we work together to solve that problem? And, and so that’s really, the bottom line is, is we’re not going to solve problems together unless we feel like we’re working as a team and we’re actually on the same team, you know, as opposed to a, you know, opposite, opposite sides. And so, and so, you know, we got there and then you all were like, you know, all right, this issue we’re going to work on. And, you know, and, and that was kind of the beginning of you buying in and, and, and sort of being ready to start taking part in the mastermind process. Like, you know, you know, in, in your own, right.

0 (16m 40s):
Without necessarily just following Sarah’s lead, you kind of started moving into your own process of learning this information.

1 (16m 48s):
Yeah. And, and I think after that first session, I realized that it’s really valuable, that it’s more rigorous than I had thought and, and a lot harder than I had thought, but in a good way. And I kind of thought that while I was doing this first session for Sarah and not necessarily for us and I sort of morphed into doing more things for us and then doing more things for me as I dug into Mastermind. And I think it’s been a really powerful tool. And I, I think that I become a better husband, a better partner and a better dad for it.

0 (17m 27s):
Huh. All, have you become a better person? I mean, what I like to say, there’s the famous Maya Angelou quote. That’s when people know better, they do better. And, and I said, I like to say, I want to modify that when people feel better, they do better. So a better husband, a better father, a better person. Yeah. Like, don’t you, I mean, yeah. Like what does that mean? I mean, is it because you feel better?

1 (18m 1s):
Well, I, yeah, I think in part, I think a lot of it is, right. So the Genesis of my sort of respecting mastermind and, and your approach was these reframes and reef reappraisal or what I call them until jujitsu. And I think that having a more productive and positive spin on what may be perceived as an insurmountable problem is actually totally, you can handle it and make it’s manageable, and it shouldn’t be a wedge, but it’s a conversation or an opportunity for a conversation with your spouse to then partner on. And, and so, so I think that’s been one aspect. Another aspect is growth mindset.

1 (18m 42s):
I think that listening to going through the basics and hearing some of the discussions regarding that, and then I coupled that with like some Bernay brown, you know, that the dare to lead book. And I just think having growth mindset, I think I went pretty deep into the mastermind dare to lead. And then the atomic habits kind of all at the same time, I think that was earlier this spring. And so I think that that’s been helpful for, for just self-awareness. Right. So I feel better in the sense that I, I know that it’s a process and I know that it may, yeah, I may do terribly some days, but, but so long as I’m intentional and trying that I’m, I’m going to get there at some point.

0 (19m 30s):
But what I want to say is, is like, even if we just kind of dumb it down more when you’re fighting or arguing, or not in the same page with your wife about deciding where the right weather we’re going to have another baby or not, and your future tripping, and you’re going six years ahead, and you were thinking, you know, she has got a busy career, I’ve got a busy career, we’ve got two kids that on some days we already feel like, you know, it’s like, we can’t be outnumbered here. This is going to, it’s going to be hell on wheels. You know, the first three years are, it’s all like what I like to say, the game of moments until death.

0 (20m 14s):
Like you have to have eyes in the back of your head it’s so, you know. Yeah. I mean like really like, like, yeah, you can’t take your eyes off of them. So it’s exhausting. So we’ve got all these other things. It’s not like we’ve got a lot of extra space. Where is a baby coming in and say you were future tripping. And then when you guys are, you know, not on the same page about it and you know, your wife’s not getting what she wants and what if she presents you in 20 years. And you’re, brain’s going to that place, like all of the sentences going through your head, in those moments, doing all that future is causing you to have a lot of cortisol racing through your veins.

1 (20m 53s):
Yeah. No. And that’s yeah. Yeah. Go ahead. I’m sorry.

0 (20m 57s):
Right. So a lot of cortisol raising, if you, through your veins and you know, this summer, we’ve been talking on this podcast about dysregulation, the summer of balance, what is it like when people feel unbalanced in their nervous systems, dysregulation? Like this is what we’re talking about when you’re having certain thoughts, certain sentences going through your head because you can’t solve a problem. And you are at odds with the people you love the most, it’s going to cause you to have a lot of stress hormones. And those stress hormones are going to cause your body to feel depleted and exhausted. Yeah. And you still have to go to work and you have responsibilities and your kids are like, but play with me, play with me.

0 (21m 41s):
And then you have to stay calm when one of them is, you know, being a little asshole to the other one and, you know, and, and all, and when you are in the state of cortisol, going through your veins, you’re gonna feel dysregulated. Your partner’s gonna feel dysregulated, you know? And so that’s the opposite of feeling like a balanced human being.

1 (22m 7s):
Sure. Yeah. No, I think that, that, that that’s right. I think that when, when there was conflict before and when it was future tripping and without having kind of those more productive conversations, and I will tell you a, you know, my, my patience level with myself, with Sarah, with my kids was definitely lower. And I think that a lot of the interactions that I had with Sarah would inevitably get to talking about the third kid at some point. And I think every time, you know, in the space before that it was all kind of the avoiding that topic. So there was maybe minimal interaction or not high quality interaction because of just the fear of having that crappy conversation that at the time, and had no good resolution.

1 (23m 2s):

0 (23m 2s):
And if you have, if so, if you’re trying to avoid that conversation, so then you’re not feeling as connected to your partner. Right. Right. And then, so this is all, if you feel better, you do better. So all of these things lead to how you actually feel in your body. If you’re not feeling connected, it can feel lonely. It can feel isolating. If there’s not as much intimacy as you want, everybody’s going to be seeking false pleasures to feel better. We don’t think about it. It’s all subconscious, but that’s when we’re, you know, isolating bingeing, overeating, overworking over eating, over, drinking over, Netflixing all the different things that end up making us feel like crap again tomorrow.

0 (23m 52s):
And so it’s just this sort of vicious cycle that continues. And, and, and, and I think so many people end up living in a state of almost like constant dysregulation because your, your, your nervous system is reliant on all these false pleasures to make yourself just feel better in a moment because, you know, you’re not getting to the root of solving the real problem, which is working together as a team and feeling like you’re this person you’ve chosen to spend your life with and raise these children with is truly your person. And, and, and, and, and you’re they’re person, and that’s all anyone wants to, you know, and so, so I was thinking about, you know, nobody is like, is raising their hand and saying, I’m a disregulated person.

0 (24m 50s):
I’m and I can be a, you know, like I can be an explosive person. I mean, even the moms in my mastermind, it’s so funny because like, very rarely, it takes a long time and a lot of trust until everybody’s like, okay, me losing my shit. It, this is what it looks like. And, you know, and my spouse, you know, them losing their shit. And it’s scary, you know, like nobody’s really coming because nobody wants to throw themselves or their partner under the bus and talk about what it really looks like or their parents, nobody else. And, and it’s also true, I think for people growing up, you know, I think we have selective memories.

0 (25m 37s):
I mean, many of us, I know, I do like, like, see, like getting a window into what my dad was like growing up. Like I sorta had forgotten, you know, because, because as adults, you know, I’m around him just in little burse and he’s obsessed with my children and he’s a loving grandfather. And so I see him as the Kramer version of him. Like my kids think he’s like Kramer, like there, like, you know, and, and, and lately we’ve had some stress in our family and I’ve been seeing the version of him that he was growing up.

0 (26m 17s):
And it’s like, even me, my brain had forgotten what it was like to live with that version of him. And it was freaking scary and stressful, you know? And so I think, I guess I’m like, you know, let’s talk, I really want to talk about if this, if this situation is happening where there’s a lot of stress in families and people are disregulated, and we see our S our partners, it’s hard maybe sometimes to see yourself when you show up in that place, but when your partner shows up in that dysregulated place, okay.

0 (26m 58s):
I want to talk about the best way to sort of help diffuse the situation and be a supportive partner, you know, and kind of take the Baton when you see your partner being disregulated, and maybe even a little scary or explosive, just in some way, showing up, that’s not helpful to the household. How do you show up supportively and, and, and take the Baton away from your partner so that they can kind of tag out and go get themselves together when your kid is unbalanced. Right. We know what kid behaviors show that they’re not feeling that they’re feeling disregulated, all the annoying behaviors that, you know, badgering, teasing name, calling snarkiness, playing that devil’s advocate, just arguing about every stupid little thing, all, you know, all those behaviors that make us want to, you know, go into telling them how unacceptable their behavior is, bottled, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, which we know in the heat of the moment doesn’t work and just leads to a power struggle.

0 (28m 14s):
But it’s trickier. I think when you see your co-parent and adult show up in a dysregulated place, like how do, cause I always say like, like, here’s the thing when your co-parent is showing up in a dysregulated, places is acting explosive, doing the shaming and blaming all those things, your job, your job is to keep your kids you’re you like, like our jobs is to keep the people in our care safe and healthy. Right. And when someone’s being explosive and shaming and blaming all of the things, you know, that is not emotionally safe.

0 (28m 57s):
Yeah. So as the other parent who is not dysregulated in that moment, it’s our job to make sure first and foremost, the people in our care are safe. So how do we encourage our co-parent to tag out without, you know, undermining them or making them feel like they look stupid in front of their kids? Like, how do we do it from a place of partnership?

1 (29m 30s):
So Sarah doesn’t really get explosive thankfully, but there sometimes is some shaming and blaming when the kids are totally disregulated. And what I try to do is in a, in a space where that’s not occurring is to pull her aside and just say, I noticed this, it needs to stop. Why don’t you go do something else I’ll take over? Or if I can’t take over, because I’m upstairs working, but I’m hearing it downstairs, all, just come in and I’ll say, you know, figure out something else to do, or, or let them be by themselves for a little bit.

1 (30m 11s):
And until you’re calmer, that’s generally how it works. And it works pretty well. Cause I mean, like you said earlier, I mean, she’s very kind of receptive to feedback and so that’s really helpful.

0 (30m 28s):
Perfect. So, you know, I think that at the end of the day, you’re basically saying I’m going to point it out, but take a walk. Right. You know, like take a walk, take a breather. Like you deserve to take a break. I’m either going to take over for the kids. Or if I can’t like they’re old enough where they can be without you for a minute. So you just walk away, go to your calm down spot, like go, yeah. Yeah. You deserve to allow your body to like, you know, be able to come back to a place of, of stasis. Like you deserve that. Go take that. You need that. And that’s okay.

0 (31m 9s):
There’s nothing wrong. It’s messy being a human. Like I need a walk sometimes to, you need to walk right now. They’re being freaking annoying. They’re triggering you. You’ve had a long day go take a walk. I got this. Right. Yeah. And so, and so, you know, I think that it’s important to remember when we’re telling our partners to go take a walk, right. And to tag out. And we got them. It’s the same, it’s really the same tools that are helpful that we use with our kids. And I want to say one of the greatest tools and I actually learned it from the book, never split.

0 (31m 53s):
The difference is the low slow, late night FM DJ voice. And so the words that you use don’t matter nearly as much as the tone and my hunches is that when you’re telling Sarah whatever, you’re telling her kind of pointing out why she needs to go take a walk and go to her, calm down spot, you’re not doing it. And an aggressive mean accusatory way. If she’s receptive to it, you know, if she’s receptive to it, it’s probably because it’s like, Hey, it’s not going well, step away.

0 (32m 36s):
I’ve got a few more minutes on this call, but this is clearly not working. Go take a breather. They can play by themselves for five minutes. And let’s just, you know, like we need, we need, we need, we need a pause button. We need a time out, walk away, like, you know, and so that, Hey, you know, you all remember it that low, slow late IFM DJ voice is just, I got you and this is not working. Right. So it’s a grounding kind of from, but calm.

0 (33m 17s):
It’s not like, oh honey, it’s not that voice. Right. It’s, you know, I’m grounding you, I’m holding you. And I’m also holding you accountable, like walk away. This is not, this is clearly not working. And so it’s quiet. It’s low. Men are much better at this than women because men naturally have lower voices. So that tool can be super helpful when your partner’s dysregulated. So, you know, everybody always wants to know the scripts. The tone matters way more than the scripts get, make sure you’re calm first and foremost. And the other thing that helps people that are dysregulated have to kind of develop the skillset to get themselves back into a state of calm is when we disengage.

0 (34m 7s):
So Sen saying, walk away, go give yourself a minute. This is not working. But walk away is basically saying, I’m not going to sit here and fight with you. And you sit in here and fighting with the kids is not going to get your body to a calmer place. Like the disengagement basically leaves the other person to have to feel the feelings in their body. And, and, and, and when we argue or fight, we’re basically giving them little adrenaline rushes. And that is what they’re using as a tool when they feel dysregulated in their body. And so disengaging from that person takes that adaptive strategy basically of fighting with someone when they’re feeling dysregulated.

0 (34m 54s):
It’s, it’s like, we’re not going to fight about this. We’re not going to argue. You’re not going to continue arguing with the kids, go get yourself together. And it leaves the person to have to develop a better skillset. Yeah. A hundred percent. Okay. All right. Off to, I know you’ve got to get to another meeting. I think this was great. I think, you know, my main intention, I just want to end with my main intention of bringing you on is what I wanna leave the listeners with is even if your partner is not onboard yet, have hope you have hope because he’s not, he hasn’t, he maybe hasn’t come to the party yet, but the word is yet have hope.

0 (35m 40s):
Keep doing your work, stay in your own lane. And no, the stuff is contagious.

1 (35m 46s):
Yeah. And have your partner just go through the basics, those audios, you can adjust the speed. So if some, if your partners, as impatient as I am, you can have from your partner, listen to it at 1.5 X or two X and get through it. And you know, a couple of afternoon, weekend afternoons. But I will say that it’s great to be able to be on the same page and use the same vocabulary, use the same techniques. It, it, there’s so much more power and it does work faster, ease techniques, and it’s just so much more effective and a better house. And if nothing else, at least it’s a good bonding, a way to bond with your partner.

1 (36m 28s):
So hopefully other dads, other partners get on board and I’m happy to talk with anyone if they’re skeptical.

0 (36m 37s):
Love it. Love it. Thanks a million. Okay. Okay. Talk to you soon. See you on the next walk. Thanks for listening today, guys. I hope you picked up some tips tools, maybe some baby steps for creating more balance and boundaries in your life. And I just wanted to let you know, if you want to continue moving the needle forward in creating this for yourself, having a happier household. I want you to go to my website and check out Mastermind, Parenting dot com. We have three beginning programs, and if you need some accountability and more support, then please look for the one that would be a good fit for you.

0 (37m 18s):
And as always were on all of the social channels under Mastermind Parenting on Instagram, it’s mastermind, underscore parenting. And you know, periodically I do pop up on different Instagram lives, Facebook lives, where I give you the teaching and coaching. And I love engaging with you live to help you help your strong-willed kids so that they can feel better because when they feel better, they do better. And I love, love, love, getting to know you guys. So thanks for listening. If you liked this podcast, please don’t forget to subscribe, rate and review super, super appreciative.

Happy Household Cover

Sign Up for Our Newsletter and Get Our Free Guide

Creating A Happier Household

by Randi Rubenstein