156: How to Help Kids Mask Up at School

0 (1s):
My name is Randi Rubenstein, and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast at Mastermind Parenting, we’re on a mission to support strong-willed kids and the families that love them. You’re listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode 1 56. Well, hi guys, how are you this week? I want to talk about a little something that I wrote an article about, about this mask issue. Okay. When it comes to sending kids to school, and here’s the thing like, you know, there’s a lot of anxiety, there’s a lot of anxiety going on right now.

0 (43s):
If you’re listening to this in real time, it is August, 2021. Kids are going back to school. I like to call this pandemic 2.0, because just when we thought life was getting back to normal, all of a sudden the freaking Delta variant hit us all over the head and kids are going back to school. And if I live in Texas, so governor Abbott made masks not mandatory, and there’s a lot of divisiveness out there, a lot of divisiveness, and I’ve really been just hearing the different perspectives and, you know, really thinking about how I would feel my whole family is vaccinated.

0 (1m 34s):
And so I have a sense of, okay, like we don’t want to get the Delta variant and vaccinated. People are still getting it. However, I don’t think I have the same level. I know I don’t have the same level of anxiety I would have if my kids were younger than 12 and couldn’t be vaccinated, but I’ve really been thinking of just, I’ve just been started studying people and just hearing the panic, hearing the divisiveness. And I think pandemic 2.0 is worse than 1.0, in a lot of ways, because at least the first time around were we were all on the same team.

0 (2m 18s):
It was like team human against the pandemic. And now it’s, you know, do you mask, do you not mask? There’s just, you know, it really is very divided. And so I, you know, was thinking about my own particular views, but the truth of the matter is, is like, what I’m here to do is to support parents in having productive conversations with their kids. So whatever your stance is for your family, right? It’s like, how do you talk to your kids? Because now they’re going out into the world and they’re going to, they’re going to it.

0 (3m 4s):
They’re going to be dealing with some stress, right? Whether it’s little, teeny, tiny ones, who’ve never worn a mask. Now either, you know, being asked to wear masks, maybe it’s other kids who are, you know, wearing the masks and whose parents feel very strongly about wearing the masks. And then maybe you have a child who you don’t feel so strongly about wearing the masks. And so kids are getting into arguments about this issue, and then they’re coming home and they’re letting you know, or they’re upset, they’re angry. And maybe they got into a fight with someone that day, or somebody said something rude about their parents or made them feel like there was something wrong with them.

0 (3m 54s):
And so this is a heavy topic, you know, this is a heavy topic and it’s really like, whatever your stance is. It’s how do you support your child in dealing with this situation? Like this is one of those major curve balls in life, and we’re not going to be with them all the time. And so I’ve sort of been following on social media at different conversations and looking at the comments and just seeing how people are treating each other and what they’re saying. And, and yeah, it’s very tense because you know what people are scared. And when there’s look, when I would be that way too, like I find myself getting worked up by, I’ll tell you what, there was a comment the other day where a mom put out a post and one of the mom, the local moms groups, and she said, does anybody know of a masks optional preschool program, private preschool program.

0 (4m 57s):
So I guess you read between the lines and you know that that’s a mom who doesn’t want her preschooler wearing a mask. So another mom who I happen to know chimes in, and this is this other mom that chimes in, she has had two, two very sick children over the years who have gone through a lot of health challenges, like fighting for their lives, health challenges. And one of her children is still in a pretty precarious state. So he’s got, you know, he’s, he, he cannot get, COVID basically like, you know, she’s, she’s, she’s in fear for sure.

0 (5m 38s):
She’s had sick children. She knows what it’s like to be a mom of sick children. I I’ve had the privilege that I don’t know what it’s like to walk in her shoes. I can just try to understand or to listen to her. But I can’t even imagine, like being like I’ve never had a chronically sick child or a child that was fighting for their life, but I can’t imagine anything more difficult. So obviously this mask policy is going to be a pretty, you know, her, her response is going to be a pretty intense reaction. Understandably. So she chimes in and she basically says, look, I’ve had, you know, sick kids.

0 (6m 24s):
And I hope you understand that this is a matter of life or death for us. And this situation makes me feel physically sick. And you know, I, I, I really appeal to all of you who have healthy children, like, please put, please teach your kids to wear a mask. And so she’s pleading why the mask policy is so important to her and why it’s not, you know, it’s not this just, oh, mask her don’t mask. Like it, it is a matter of life or death in her mind. And so it’s very serious. And, and so, so the Mo some other mom comes and chimes in and she sort of says, you know, I’m so sorry that you’ve had the sick child, you know, she does the empathy thing the way she thinks she’s supposed to.

0 (7m 13s):
And then she says, and you know, we’re all making decisions based on what’s right for our individual families. And we need to respect each other and yada, yada, yada. And then she says, you know, and she sounds pretty nice, but then she says, and you’re physically sick comment was uncalled for, this is what she said. Some of us choose for our children to breathe freely. Now here’s the thing, I’m fine with you making the choice for your kids, not to wear a mask. Like when you go to the grocery store or whatever, as long, I mean, I wish the freaking governor would just make it easy and put us all on the same team again.

0 (7m 58s):
And just be like, yeah, masks are back. The Delta variants here, people are, are hospital beds are full, people are dying. So yeah, everybody put the mask back on. I know it’s inconvenient. It hurts behind your ears. It’s, you know, it’s a little uncomfortable. Yeah. Put the freaking mask back on. Like, that is my personal stance. Okay. But that’s not happening. And so when they go to school and there have been chronically sick children, and none of these kids are vaccinated. I, you know, this whole, I choose for my kids to breathe freely.

0 (8m 38s):
Really. We’re dealing with a mom who has had kids that are fighting for their lives and just have some freaking empathy and compassion. You don’t even know what it’s like to walk in her shoes, because if you did, you would feel differently about this. And I just, it made me so mad reading that. And I’m like, how much of that goes on in these, in these parenting groups? You know? And I’m just like, it’s just like, every parents just want to get support. And to know that, like, they’re not going to be schooled and admonished by some other moms she’s pleading her heart out here.

0 (9m 19s):
And this is a scary situation. And so, you know, I just, I don’t know, the whole thing just rubbed me so wrong. And I guess it’s also like, like part of it also is like, okay, yeah, we’re gonna have to train. I mean, I just coached her mom in one of my groups about this the other day, how do I teach my, my three year old who’s basically been home? How do I teach him? He’s never worn a mask. How do I teach them to wear a mask? And I’m like, you do it. You focus on the skill building, you practice wearing a mask inside, you have positive reinforcement. You remind them that he’s being a big boy that he’s growing up.

0 (9m 59s):
Look at him how he’s wearing his mask and he’s using it to cover his nose. I said, you put the energy on the skill-building right on the front end, instead of waiting for kids to, for kids to do the wrong thing, and then admonishing them, you just focus and practice on the skill building. Right? What we focus on grows. And, and yeah, it takes a little more energy on the front end, but we can, we can condition kids to do the right thing. And that there are sick people that, you know, some kids who have not been as healthy as you, and it’s dangerous for them to be around people without masks.

0 (10m 40s):
And you know, this is how we teach kids perspective, taking how to see other people’s point of view. This is how we teach kids empathy. This is what we do. If we have the opportunity to do it with kids, when they’re two and three years old, like why would we not seize the day? Because we it’s inconvenient. And we want them to breathe through lake and still breathe on the, under the mask. There’ll be fine. Kids are super resilient, but it’s like, we don’t want them to be, you know, it’s like the princess and the pea that they might be uncomfortable, you know? And yeah, when they’re running and playing outside, they’re outside in the open air. They don’t have to wear masks, right.

0 (11m 21s):
When they’re inside in, you know, close quarters, wear the mask and we can, and to what we can’t have them be uncomfortable for just a second, like, come on, give me a freaking break. And then we want to know why we’re raising entitled bratty, blah, blah, blah. Everybody loves talking smack about their teenagers, but you know, what, where does it come from? And I get it. Look, I, I, I get frustrated with my own kids for the same thing, but I’m like, okay, nobody’s helping out in the kitchen. Like we did it wrong. It’s time to, to, to, you know, to start undoing some of that damage. That’s what we’re dealing with in our house right now.

0 (12m 2s):
I’m like, there’s five, you know, young adults, you’re not five younger tolls to two, one or two regular adults in three young ish adults. And I’m like, and I said to my husband, why does it mean you doing the cooking and the cleaning? We did it wrong. We have to retrain the people. This is on us, but let’s do it. I’m getting annoyed and resentful. Okay. So it’s the same thing. Like we can help kids from a very young age, start to think about other people. Okay. And, and, and even if your family is not, you’re like, yeah, yeah.

0 (12m 45s):
I mean, are we Listen to Fox? Not CNN. Okay. That’s totally fine. And when we go to school and we’re in close quarters with a bunch of unvaccinated kids and some kids that haven’t been as healthy in life, as you are, we’re going to think about them and we’re going to, we’re going to compromise. It’s okay. You can still have the same stance. It’s just teaching your kids. Basically not to be assholes. It’s fine. They’ll be fine. Okay. And, you know, I like to think of it. Like when my son, my oldest son, who is a dog lover, but when he was little, he got snapped at or something by a little dog.

0 (13m 26s):
And so he was scared of dogs. And he, we ended up when he was about seven, we got a big dog. Cause I wanted to rid him of his fear of dogs. And I knew we had to like, get a big dog to, to do that. But up until that, like he started getting, you know, where, when he would get invited for a play date, he would say like, do they have a dog? And he was scared. And I remember a couple of times, like he went over to a house and like, they were, it was their dogs. They weren’t going to lock it up. And I made that decision at that time. Like it’s team human first. And let me tell you something, there’s probably not a bigger dog lover than me, but I’m like, I’m team human first.

0 (14m 10s):
So like, when we got a big dog, we worked really hard and we trained her. And if a child came over or I noticed them being timid, I would always ask them like, are you good with dogs? Are you okay? Do you, are you comfortable with wheezy? And if I had a kid that was really scared of dogs, I locked my dog up. My dog could be uncomfortable for a little bit because I’m team human first. And we wanted our dog out. But I put that kid, that kid that had a fear of dogs before my dog, I was willing to be a little uncomfortable for the sake of somebody else’s comfort. When I really weighed out what was, you know, what was going on there?

0 (14m 50s):
I’m not saying we need to train our kids to be people pleasers. I’m just saying we can help them look at other people’s point of view. And when it’s kind of a big issue, like something that feels super scary, then we’re like, okay, we’re going to lock the dog up. Okay. We’re going to put the mask on. This is what we do. This is called being a part of team human. Right? So my mat, How to Help Kids Mask Up article comes from the viewpoint of how do you help your kids be responsible by wearing masks at school? If you have the opposite viewpoint, where you believe in, what did that lady we choose to let our kids breathe freely?

0 (15m 42s):
Okay, that’s fine. That’s fine. You can use the same process, the same productive conversation process to talk about how we breathe freely. And this is what our family believes in. And you know, the news sources that we turn to say, whatever, y’all, whatever you believe in regarding the virus, you know, you can have the same productive conversation process where you see their perspective actively listen, and problem solve together. You can absolutely use this same thing to the opposite argument. Okay. Or the opposite side of the masking policy.

0 (16m 22s):
However, I do implore you to look at teaching your kids empathy when it comes to masking up at school, that there are unvaccinated children who, you know, it’s not an option to go to a private mask mask, mandatory school. Okay? Like Ted Cruz, since his children to a is, there’s no masks optional at the fancy private school where Ted Cruz sends his kids. Even though he’s very much against requiring people to wear masks. You know, that’s where he’s sending his kids to school.

0 (17m 5s):
I’m just saying, but you know, if, if you are sending your kids to a school, there’s plenty of people who, it’s not an option to homeschool them. You know, we’ve got working parents and they saw what it was like to try and homeschool kids or zoom school kids, and many schools aren’t even doing zoom school anymore. So it’s not an option for many families. They are sending their kids to public school and they’re crossing their fingers and hoping that their kids are going to stay healthy. And, and so I just, you know, ask you to look at the inconvenience of teaching your kids to, you know, be masked up, even though your family maybe doesn’t believe in it, we’re doing it because we’re part of a community.

0 (17m 57s):
And there are other people who feel very strongly about this and who possibly haven’t been as healthy as you are. And so they’re more nervous about the virus right now. I just, you know, I would, that’s, that’s my, that’s my one request. Okay. So my article, How to Help Kids Mask Up do, as I say, not as I do and other convenient old school parenting sayings might come in handy right about now, now that we need kids to continue wearing masks, even though many people have decided to ditch theirs with the recent surge. In COVID cases, we find ourselves in a precarious situation. As we enter the new 2021 school year, many believe that the current state of the pandemic may be even worse and more divisive than the last year and a half.

0 (18m 44s):
When we were all on the same team, fighting the war, people versus the pandemic kids at 2021 know they have rights, a doubt. Many of you remember the show from the 1980s. Kids are people too. Does anybody remember that show? I loved that show. I spent a lot of time on the couch as a kid. Good for you. If you’re actually playing outside, nowadays, kids are treated as people too. And we need them to understand that even though they are people too, the rules for other people may be different than the rules for them. Especially when the other people are vaccinated, may find yourself yearning for yesteryear a time of, because I said so, case closed, it would be so much easier. If these empowered little people growing up during a deadly health crisis would stop.

0 (19m 24s):
We just stop arguing and put on their freaking masks. And since kids learn by our example, rather than by what we tell them to do without doing ourselves, be prepared, be prepared to be called out by the obvious hypocrisy. Your kids may ask why they are required to follow different rules than their grownups or older siblings. When it’s a matter of health and safety, it can feel extra exhausting to go round and round with them. These progressive little Cumins raised with voices and worthiness are making life theory inconvenient for us by questioning the validity of the mask rules. When other people are choosing to go mask lists, I think it makes sense that they might push back about following rules that many people have decided are now arbitrary to avoid unnecessary power struggles and mass drama.

0 (20m 9s):
Here’s my guidance. When it comes to navigating this issue with your kids, the three-step productive convo with kids about masking app. Number one, it’s the same productive conversation you guys, which I call SAP. And it’s really all about mastering empathy without seeming like a SAP. Okay. I know it’s so freaking corny, but it helps people to remember it. Okay. So the first part is always we’re going to see their perspective. Okay? I can. I think I can speak for most of us when I say we crave fairness and are incensed by injustice personally, I will immediately see red and become defensive. When someone imposes a rule on me that they themselves not to follow. I highly doubt I’m alone on this.

0 (20m 50s):
Our kids are no different. Therefore begin the conversation by seeing your child’s perspective, rather than attempting to parent with controlling methods or justifying why the rules only apply to them. This will allow you to work together, create a plan and diffuse potential mass drama. And so an example would be, you know, your kid is complaining, right? Like I don’t want, whereas this like so stupid, we don’t wear masks at home or, well, why don’t we have to wear them? Y’all aren’t wearing them all the time. So-and-so is not wearing ’em. Why do I have to wear it? It hurts behind my ears. I don’t like it. Okay. So typically you guys, what we want to do is like, convince them why this matters so much, but first and foremost, like that, that it feels luxury and preachy and it will cause our kids to go into a place of defensiveness and then defend their position.

0 (21m 47s):
Okay. So what we want to do is we want to like lean in and understand why they are sick of it. Right? So something we could say is like the different rules for kids when it comes to wearing masks, doesn’t seem very fair. Huh? You’re probably sick of wearing a mask. And now with so many vaccinated people not wearing masks, maybe it doesn’t seem fair that kids are still required to wear uncomfortable masks. Or if your kid is at an, a masks optional school, they’re like, so-and-so does I have to wear one and so-and-so died laughing. And you’re like, yeah, it feels unfair because some families are choosing not to have their kids wear the masks all the time. And then you’re stuck with this elastic courteousness behind your ears and it’s uncomfortable.

0 (22m 28s):
And you’re seeing your friends not having to wear them. And it feels like, you know, that’s just like, why do you have to wear it? And they don’t. And you don’t like it. You don’t like having different rules. And then, you know, it might seem like we should all just continue wearing masks until everyone’s vaccinated. Huh. Well, do you feel okay about wearing a mask to keep yourself safe and other people who maybe don’t have, you know, as healthy immune systems as you do, keeping them safe, do you feel okay about wearing a mask to keep yourself and other people in our community safe from the virus, regardless of whether other people are mastered or not, what are your thoughts on this?

0 (23m 13s):
What are your thoughts on, you know, just continuing to do it because it’s just the right thing to do, because there are people that are more susceptible to getting the virus. What are your thoughts on this? So you, so you stop and you just check in with them. It’s, you know, you want your child to start talking because when they talk, then you can to step into the next stage, a active listening. This is when they say something and you listen and you really hear them listening and really hearing another is one of the most loving and generous acts. Boom, all of a sudden, this productive conversation, you guys, if your child starts talking and then you just reflect back what they’re saying now it’s just become a bonding moment because I don’t care who the other person is.

0 (24m 2s):
Think about it. You guys, wherever you are, if somebody is like, well, what’s, what’s been going on with you, or tell me about this. Or I saw that you were doing such and such, and then you actually tell them, and then they’re really interested and they’re listening and they’re like, oh, so you, and you can tell, they’re really hearing you. And they reflect back what you just said. And you’re sitting there thinking this person’s kind of awesome, right? Because it just feels good to be listened to. Right? All humans seek validation. We want to feel seen and know that we matter when you actively listen to your child, you’ll feel connected and much more likely to problem solve rather than arguing power struggle, active listening requires attention, presence and mirroring.

0 (24m 43s):
The step does not involve your words of wisdom or teaching about the vaccine or mask rules, simply listening, attentively, reflect and mirror back in your tone and facial expression that you really hear their words and their message. You’re sick of wearing a mask. Yeah, I got it. It does feel unfair. Even though you understand it’s for your health, it’s still like, Ugh. When is this going to end? Yeah. That makes sense. I get it. This pandemic has gone on for way too long. You’re over it. Me too. I hear ya. Okay. So I know it’s counterintuitive because we’re like, but then my kid’s going to be like, so do I not have to wear it?

0 (25m 26s):
But here’s the thing you guys, if you have a kid that’s pushing and pushing and power struggling and being a little combative, then you need to just step it back and see their perspective more. Yeah, you are really over this. I hear you enough is enough. Like you’re a little kid. This is already gone on for like, you know, an eighth of your life. That’s a long time and a little kid’s life. And this is precious time. You want to run and play and not have to worry about putting a mask on your face. You just want to be a kid. You don’t have to think about all this serious stuff or, or hear other people talk about who’s wearing a mask or who’s not wearing a mask.

0 (26m 11s):
Like y’all have games to play and fun to have. And like, this is so lame. It’s such a lame thing for all of you guys to have to go for. And you got to go through and you’re over it. Right? Right. So that you just do that more and more and more. And when you get to number three, the third step in the productive conversation, hopefully you don’t hear the snoring of my, my son, my son, who used to be scared of dogs. His dog is in town visiting me, my grand dog. Let me move her position. Cheryl. I wish

1 (26m 44s):
I could see her. Maybe I’ll have to release this video just so you can see her. She’s like completely on her back. Just like sawing logs. It’s a rainy day. She’s in my office. Okay. So you’re going to problem solve together. That’s the P in SAP. Okay. Collaborative problem solving creates a team or we mentality rather than one involving me versus you. And you begin this step by asking what and how questions to encourage your child, to be the leader on their mask plan. This will empower them to take ownership of the choice to keep themselves safe and mask up. And other people say, what will you do if you’re in a public place and other people aren’t wearing masks, how can I help you remember to bring a mask before you leave the house in the morning?

1 (27m 31s):
What do you think our plan should be to make sure you always have a mask available? What works for you? How are we going to do this? What and how, what and how look there’s some psychology behind this because the minute somebody starts to be involved in coming up with their own plan, they just own it. Right. And they just take more responsibility. And so rather than telling our kids what they should be doing and should be doing, give them the opportunity first to think of it on their own. And then you can add in. Yeah. Well, what about this? What if I, what if we had just like some masks, like right by the door.

1 (28m 15s):
And so when you grab your water bottle and all your things to pack up your backpack in the morning, you just grab a mask and you know, I’ll just check with you the first couple of times to make sure you remember it. But what if they were right here? Would that be helpful to you? So you’re collaborating, you’re doing it together. You’re not telling them you will wear this. This is for your health and safety. We believe blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. No, I’m not going to be at school with you. I have to, you know, I have to just know that you’re going to be responsible. And I think you are me. You’ve shown a lot of responsibility and lots of other ways in your life. I, I, I know it’s a big, it’s a big pain and it’s a bummer and you’re over it.

1 (28m 58s):
And look, you do the right thing. You’re that kid I believe in you. I know, but also sometimes you’re going, we’re going to be running late in the morning or it’ll be one of those mornings. We got to bed a little later than we wanted and we might be, you know, let’s just make it easy. So we set it up for success. So it’s just like a, non-issue see. So you’re, you’ve come up with it together. It’s not y’all are working. Y’all are on the same team. And then the last part of the article, I said, what we focus on grows so remembered and the conversation with hugs and attaboys, letting your kids know how responsible they are for always wearing a mask, continuing to be patient during such a less than awesome time and keeping their body safe and healthy can really go a long way in building your connection and ensuring cooperative behavior.

1 (29m 42s):
Kids are smart and resilient. And when we communicate with them in respectful ways that treat them as people too, they buy in, you got this, okay guys. So How to Help Kids Mask Up? You’ll want to read the article. We will link to it below. It was published on August 10th on medium. And I hope you found that helpful. And remember like that productive conversation, if you’re going, you know, if you have a child that comes home from school. Cause I had a mom in one of my groups who said this, she said, what about my kids who are being othered? Meaning she was, they were non mass squares.

1 (30m 24s):
And her child was obviously not wearing a mask. And other kids were, you know, were ganging up on the child for not wearing a mask. And, and, and this child was in an, a pretty precarious position because they come from a family where the family believes in not wearing masks. And now how do you help your child work through that situation? You really see their perspective. You know, look, you’re just showing up, doing the things that our family believes in and other people are coming. And they’re saying things to you and it’s a lot, and it’s a lot for a little kid to have to deal with.

1 (31m 6s):
And, and yeah, it made you feel terrible, right? You don’t go start talking about all the, you know, conspiracy theories and the science and the, this, and the, that with your child in that moment, you just hear them. It sucks to be othered. It sucks to feel like, you know, your classmates are against you to be ganged up on and they need you to be their soft place to land in those moments. So you use this exact same process, see their perspective actively listen, and then problem solve together. What do you think would be a good thing? How could you handle this differently? What do you think would be a good thing to say?

1 (31m 47s):
You know, you put your energy again on the front end on the skill building, you role play with them. You help them with saying things to other people that are respectful and not combative and defuse drama. You know, your child does not want to be at school, fighting with other people about, you know, what your family believes in all day long. They want to be at school learning and playing and growing. So support them in, you know, just having a couple stock answers, you know, and, and role playing with them so that they can show up respectfully and, and diffuse the drama.

1 (32m 27s):
Okay. That’s what, that’s what we are here to help our kids do. When I, we show up as those calm, grounded grownups, and we have productive conversations, then we help our kids know how to resolve all the little conflicts in their lives. And, and remember that they don’t have to do this alone. They can come home, they can talk to us. We are their soft, soft place to Lam. We will help them. We will hear them. You know, we’re here for them, no matter what. So hopefully this helps you guys with this mask topic. I know, I know, I know, I know that this is just a shitty, shitty time, and I’m just feeling it for all of you guys.

1 (33m 14s):
And I know that y’all are anxious and this is just, you know, like, like I said, in this article, like we’re over it, but we’re not over it. You know, it’s still happening. And the pandemic is here and the Delta strain is here. And, you know, as Glennon Doyle says, we can do hard things. And I think that when we do them together, we’re much stronger and much more capable of doing hard things. So hopefully this was helpful to you and your family in some way. You guys have a great week. Thanks for listening today, guys. I hope you picked up some tips tools, maybe some baby steps for creating more balance and boundaries in your life.

1 (34m 2s):
And I just wanted to let you know, if you want to continue moving the needle forward in creating this for yourself, having a happier household. I want you to go to my website and check out Mastermind, Parenting dot com. We have three beginning programs, and if he needs some accountability and more support, then please look for the one that would be a good fit for you. And as always, we’re on all the social channels under Mastermind Parenting on Instagram, it’s Mastermind, underscore parenting. And you know, periodically I do pop up on different Instagram lives, Facebook lives, where I give you teaching and coaching.

1 (34m 44s):
And I love engaging with you live to help you help your strong-willed kids so that they can feel better because when they feel better, they do better. And I love, love, love, getting to know you guys. So thanks for listening. If you liked this podcast, please don’t forget to subscribe, rate and review super, super appreciative.