177: What are the different parenting styles and which one is the most effective?

By March 8, 2022September 19th, 2022Mastermind Parenting Podcast
177: What are the different parenting styles and which one is the most effective?

We’ve been taking some of recent episodes back to the basics, and today I’m going to unpack the three parenting styles I see most often, and explain to you which one I feel is the most effective. (Spoiler alert: Mastermind Parenting, that’s the one that’s most effective.)

Now, we’re all inclined to naturally gravitate toward the style we grew up with, that’s what our automatic pilot is going to guide us toward. We all have ideas on what we want to do, which if you’re listening to this podcast I hope is Mastermind Parenting. But when activated by the “heat of the moment” our emotional brain takes over, it’s just how we’re conditioned.

Ok, so the first style is authoritarian parenting. Authoritarian parents believe that kids should follow the rules without exception. Authoritarian parents are famous for saying, “Because I said so” when a child questions the reasons behind a rule. These parents often complain that their child is not obedient, then force punishments when the child doesn’t obey the rules.

Next are permissive parents. Rules may be set, but rarely enforced. Few consequences are given out and these parents also feel their children will learn best with little interference. Permissive parents are lenient. They often only step in when there’s a serious problem. They’re quite forgiving and they adopt an attitude of “kids will be kids.” They have a really hard time with the follow through, and they may give privileges back if a child begs, or they may allow a child to get out of timeout early.

Finally we have authoritative parenting, sometimes called conscious parenting, or gentle parenting. Mastermind Parenting also falls under this category. It’s putting a lot of effort into creating and maintaining a positive relationship with your child.

These parents explain the reasons behind the rules. They enforce rules and give consequences, but take the child’s feelings into consideration. They validate their children’s feelings while also making it clear that the adults are ultimately in charge.
And there are a lot of different ways to do this. Authoritative parents invest time and energy into preventing behavior problems before they start, so they are proactive, which is what I believe in.
Researchers have found kids who have authoritative parents are most likely to become responsible adults who feel comfortable expressing their opinions.

Children raised with authoritative discipline tend to be happy and successful. They’re also more likely to be good at making decisions and evaluating safety risks on their own. Mastermind parenting in terms of authoritative parenting is all about. It can be hard to not take your child’s behavior personally. But realize when they’re pushing your buttons, that’s your business and nothing for you to put on them. Children are not responsible for adult feelings.

Listen to this episode for more of my thoughts and strategies on how you can move toward being a Mastermind Parent!

As always, thanks for listening, and be sure and head over to Facebook and you can join my free group Mastermind Parenting Community, where we post tips and tools and do pop up Live conversations where I do extra teaching and coaching to support you in helping your strong-willed children so that they can FEEL better and DO better. If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it!

About Randi Rubenstein

Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.

She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.

At Mastermind Parenting, we believe every human deserves to have a family that gets along.

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Transcription

(1s):
My name is Randi Rubenstein, and welcome To the Mastermind Parenting Podcast At Mastermind Parenting, We’re on a mission to support strong-willed kids and the families that love them. You’re listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode one 90. Well, hi guys, I have a fun conversation for you this week. I have been doing these live report card sessions with some of my current moms, and I had scheduled one with moms, Michelle and Liz, and They have been in my program for a long time. Anyway, just amazing women and the conversation Liz, we were doing it as a Facebook live.

(45s):
There was a few technical difficulties and so whatever it was fine, Michelle and I ended up being live and then Liz was just kind of chiming in and commenting, But then she left us a follow up message. So you do actually get to hear Liz S voice and you want to hear Liz S voice cause she’s a real treat. She has a way with words. We all love her in the mastermind, but I really wanted to talk with them together because there’s been this interesting thing that has happened since I started doing some group coaching and running programs in a group format.

(1m 25s):
You know, everyone gets a lot of one-on-one attention from me, but you know, Talking about parenting, this is something that it’s like one of those like brick to the head factor moments for me. And I haven’t connected the dots until recently. Like I always knew it was hard to talk about parenting, but I didn’t realize that I think it is actually the most taboo subject because most of us have old wounds that we’ve tried to forget about from our own childhood, because it there’s something about talking about it quite often that I think can feel disrespectful to your own parents.

(2m 8s):
And then many of us have this worry that when our kids grow up, they’re going to come back and blame us for whatever it is that we’re doing now. Right. And so I’ve heard people talk about parenting it, you know, it’s so personal. It’s nothing anybody should chime in about, I think it’s just because most of us feel a little insecure about things like we’ve or we’ve got secret worries, or we just want to get it right. I don’t know, S just a loaded topic and conversation. And when I started talking about parenting, I will tell you, or when I started this business, I sort of have felt, and now I don’t know, it doesn’t, it doesn’t really affect me now, but I’ve even felt like I kind of was wearing a Scarlet letter in my own community, like my own actual real community in real life.

(3m 3s):
I just think this is a, this is a topic that when you start talking about it, it’s like, you know, who are you to be the expert? Oh, you think you’re such a perfect parent where there shame and where there’s fear. It just becomes like a minefield. And so something that has happened in this kind of community format, I guess, because I’ve curated, the community that I always wanted is we have honest conversations and we’re all workshopping together. And we’re talking about the real deal. We’re talking about the moments where we know we got it wrong.

(3m 43s):
We’re talking about the moments where we, our kids are triggering the hell out of us. We’re talking about, we’re talking about all the things. And so, so Liz and Michelle are moms that were doing all the learning and they were seeing big results in their household. And yet there was still a little bit of, I don’t know if I would call it a guardedness or just being somewhat reserved at times. And so probably six months ago, I think it was about six months ago. I started these small accountability groups and these small accountability groups. I was, I was involved in that.

(4m 25s):
I kind of pair people together and I don’t really know why I paired certain people together. I just, I don’t know. I just get to know people. And I was like, ha, I was, I was like, I was like a friend accountability partner matchmaker, but I stayed in it at first. You know, I stayed, I stayed in these accountability groups, so they could just all get kind of some special private coaching from me. And they could do it in these smaller groups because maybe some of the bigger groups felt overwhelming or some of my moms that I could sense are more reserved or a little more introverted. You know, it’s just a tricky thing. You know, it’s always, it’s like we live in a culture where all the extroverts are used to, you know, having the voice, the loudest voices.

(5m 8s):
And so I’m really mindful about making sure that everyone’s voice gets a chance to be heard. So I paired Michelle and Liz together. They live in two different cities. They didn’t really know each other on a personal level and may have become the most amazing friends. And what I have seen in terms of the last six months of their growth, as women, as people, as moms, as humans, it’s just been sort of a magical thing to witness. And so I really wanted to call them on together because I wanted them to see it. You know, sometimes we’re just like in it, so we can’t see it as clearly.

(5m 51s):
And so I just kind of wanted to have, just have a conversation where we could really just sort of talk about this friendship that is developed between them and how it has impacted them, both some of the topics I think many of you guys are gonna relate to. I think the common thread that we finally got to is Perfectionistic Parenting, like wanting to be that perfect parent. Maybe you are the parent who is listening to the parenting podcast and reading the books and trying to use all the tools when you do this, then you get that. And I think it’s, it’s really interesting to kind of think about this Perfectionistic Parenting straight jacket, right?

(6m 37s):
Because it’s just not possible. Like, no, first of all, let me just say this. You guys are cooler than that. Nobody likes perfect people. So Striving for this unattainable goal and trying to be perfect. It really is a protective mechanism. And, and, and it really goes, and I learned this from Bernay brown, where she says Perfectionism is actually a form of procrastination because if you’re always waiting for things to be just so just perfect, which really is if I’m, if I show up perfect. If I do everything perfect, then nobody can criticize me. Nobody can judge me, nobody can hurt me, But it really keeps you isolated and it really keeps you alone.

(7m 22s):
And so, you know, I just, I, I don’t know. I just felt like, I think a lot of us will resonate with this ideal of being the perfect parent. And yeah, I hope you guys get as much from this conversation. As I did, We talked about anxiety, we talked about perfectionism, We talked about friendship and accountability and it was a great conversation. So enjoy Liz and Michelle I really, I, I really wanted you enlist to come on together because you guys are such a, I don’t know, it’s just been cool to watch what’s happened with the two of you and your small accountability group.

(8m 13s):
Yeah. Just the relationship, the friendship that’s formed, true accountability partners, and you live in different cities. And I have to say, like, I kind of feel like it’s been Liz to me, Liz is a different person from who she was to who she is now with, I think just this relationship and I’m sure the relationship has changed you too, but just the relationship, how it just has helped her to step into more confidence and less anxiety. I don’t know. What are your thoughts on that? Yeah, I mean, I think, gosh, I wish I knew her more bef even before jumping into the group with her, but I can tell that both of us seem to be speaking more with direction and kind of like, this is what I know I need.

(9m 7s):
And I’m like literally at like midlife crisis age. So like maybe some of that is that like, okay, this has gone on too long or, or my feelings have been bubbling for so long. And talking to someone who’s saying those are valid, kind of helps you to step into like, okay, what am I going to do next? And I feel like Liz, the same way, like being concerned about things in interactions with kids or, or other friends, or even her family, you know, just she’s felt more like in her dialogue or in her description at the moment she’ll be concerned. But then she’ll say, and, and like, this is what I’m going to do or, and I know it’s okay.

(9m 51s):
So yeah, I think confidence for both of us has developed over, gosh, it’s only been how long, like three, three months. I don’t know. More than that. Well, I love to see when I first started that accountability group, but you know, I guess Liz, so whatever me and Michelle are gonna have a conversation you’re here, you’re listening, you weigh in, in the comments and we’ll read your comments. We’re going to make it work. That’s what we do. Everything is figureoutable no big deal. You know, when I decided to do these small accountability groups, I didn’t a hundred percent know why I just wanted to give people. I think, because I was playing around, I had put a couple of people in small accountability groups that I was taking part in and I was seeing huge shifts.

(10m 38s):
And, and then of course I was like, okay, well I’m one person. I can’t, I can’t necessarily keep all these people afloat. I’ve got to figure out a smarter way. And so I didn’t really have a rhyme or reason, but I just put certain people together. And I wasn’t sure why. And now that you’re talking, I’m like, oh, you guys both had kids like at a little bit of an older age. Right. And I think many people will relate to that. I mean, even though in the mastermind, it’s been so cool. Like if, I think back to like Allie, Allie, Allie, and Andrea, you know, like Andrea almost an empty nest or had kids I think started having kids maybe in her 40, early forties, and then Allie who had kids in her mid twenties, you know, and the friendship that formed and how much they related to, they were learning from each other’s experiences.

(11m 38s):
Like, so it doesn’t really matter that much, but it’s been cool for you to see you and Liz, and I guess maybe that was part of it was you guys were kind of at the same stage of life. And there’s just, so I, maybe I just sense that your chemistry would click. I don’t know, but it’s just been so cool to watch you guys support each other. Yeah. I, I totally feel like there’s something too. Maybe having kids later and having had experienced some degree of the career that you wanted, even if you’re not the top of your field, but you’ve gotten to do some things and knowing that, getting it right with family count so much now because you’re stepping in sort of to a new stage that for both of us seems to be a big deal, like where we’re like, I want to get this right.

(12m 28s):
This means so much. And I want this to be harmonious. I mean, I think sometimes you get to mastermind cause you’re like, I can’t take it anymore, but like behind all that is like, I want to figure this out. Like I want to, I want this to be a place where we all want a vacation together. I want this to be a happy home and for everybody to feel supported and like they have a place. Well, you know, it’s interesting, I think, and this has come up recently very recently. I think maybe there’s this category, you know, it’s like, everybody’s always focused on, okay, how do I stop losing my mind? How do I stop, you know, yelling at my kids or being super reactive or whatever it is.

(13m 10s):
But I think there’s this category of parents who a lot of times has kids at a little bit of an older age, maybe went through lots of scientific measures to have those children. There’s a lot at stake and there’s this sense of like, I just want to do it right. Am I doing it right? Like, like, was this okay? Am I doing it? Okay. And the issue is, is that I think when we’re always so worried about doing it, so right. All the time, it prevents us from showing up as an actual, authentic human, and then our kids act out and they don’t know why they’re acting out.

(13m 51s):
But the truth of the matter is, is they feel disconnected from us because kids are like truth barometers. So if you’re always trying to do everything so perfectly, and you’re never willing to screw anything up, it’s almost like your kids are shaking. You going, who are you? Take the mask off. I need to know who my real mom is or whom I wrote that is. And so I think the transformation and tell me if you agree or disagree with you and Liz that I’ve seen is I’ve seen a lot of perfect parenting unmasking in this relationship between the two of you. Yeah. What are your thoughts? Yeah. Yeah. Like I feel it sometimes I’ll even say to Liz like, oh, I know this.

(14m 35s):
Wasn’t probably like the mastermind thing to do where you’re like, okay, so I have this new structure of ideally how it could be, but then you realize, but sometimes it has to be tweaked to make it the right, you know, just the right timing or just the right, whatever words for your kid. So it’s like, you have to kind of step back away from whatever that idea of perfect is and say, okay, well this is the way it’s going to have to work. Yeah. And I think it’s also just with the whole idea of making this, the perfect house I personally have found I’ve also, or home, I’ve also kind of gone beyond care and to over care and have not been good about my own boundaries.

(15m 19s):
I mean, I was just talking to my husband about this last night, like losing yourself in the parenting and not feeling like you’re on track to what else is going on in your life. That also makes you a good Barrett. Well, look, when you show up in authentically, it’s kind of hard. Everybody is going to be a better version of themselves when we’re actually ourselves. And so when there’s this Perfectionistic standard over here, it keeps you from yourself. And so it keeps the people that love you the most from truly knowing you.

(16m 1s):
And, and so it’s, it’s, it’s so tricky because you like our Striving, like you work so hard and you just want to get it right. You know, and now you’re like, why is there a disconnect? And so I want to push back a little bit on when I’m doing it, not the mastermind way, you know, I’ve resisted for many, I’ve had people ask me to make like assets that go with master. I’m hearing parenting that are like scripts and cue cards. And, you know, it’s kind of like that, you know, those different programs that are like, when you do this, then you can have that really. You always know exactly how to say things. And I’m like, I don’t always know how to say things.

(16m 42s):
I just show up authentically. And eventually you’re going to show up authentically and say it your way. So there really is. No, there’s no perfect Mastermind way of saying are handling it. What the mastermind really, really is. And this is something recently that I’ve kind of connected the dots on where many other programs tell you what to do, tactics and tools. This is what you do. And this is what you do. And this is what you say, what Mastermind does is it teaches you how to think. So it’s going to change how you think and when you change, how you think, right. Because you’re going to get back to, what do you really think?

(17m 25s):
What does authentic you actually think if you’re like not trying to be the perfect person and shifting out of comparison and judgment, like, what do you really think? And so we help you to get back to that place of what you actually think you, and when you, when you shift how you think you change what you do. Right. And so, and so I’m providing examples for what I do based on how I think, and I’m going to teach you how to get back to what you really think, and then what you actually do will be original to you.

(18m 8s):
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I actually, as you’re saying that it’s kind of tying into like going through the zone of genius process because then it’s, that’s what you really do well at. And that’s where you find yourself. And then if you can bring that to parenting, it is like the authentic you, and that, and that may mean you’re stronger in certain areas or certain ways of parenting than others, but it, it does kind of connect you back to what your makeup is and how you see things, things. I mean, I think Liz may have made a comment about this just a second ago, but I think in our pairing as partners, I also think we’ve gotten to that point where we can just drop, even though Liz has a way with words, like we can the right way of speaking, you know, and be our true selves to say like, ah, this thing is, you know, blah, blah, blah.

(19m 3s):
And I can’t even find the word for it, but you know, whatever you’re feeling about it and you can be your real self and you can work through, okay, here’s the feeling, let me sit with it. So you just, you just pinpointed it. It’s like having a relationship of friendship and accountability partner that you really trust, like trust enough to be like, I’m going to pull back the curtains of my life and my family and my home. And here it is like that takes a, that is vulnerable. It’s really a leap of faith. Most people are like, are you kidding me? I think talking about parenting and I’ve read some different things recently.

(19m 44s):
It’s the, it’s the most taboo subject out there because it’s the place where people feel the most judged, judge themselves feel insecure, have old wounds, have resentment against their parents that they’ve maybe masked or hidden. It’s a layered complicated relationship. And it affects everyone because even if you’ve chosen not to become a parent yourself, you still had parents. Right. It affects every human. Okay. So you, you, you have parents, maybe you chose to become a parent like everyone’s affected by this conversation.

(20m 25s):
And yet it truly is a taboo subject. And when we start to talk about it, all of a sudden, no one wants to be an actual human being and everyone wants to be like, everybody’s willing to talk about it. If we look so perfect and we do it better than you and you and you, and we’re comparing ourselves to the neighbors. So to have a safe space, it’s like hard for me to explain what we’re doing in our community to have a space where we’re like, no, no, no, I’m a fierce mama bear. And there’s no judgment or comparison or bullshittery, or fucking humble bragging. Although we applaud the living hell out of ourselves and each other.

(21m 7s):
Right? Yeah. Yeah. Totally. And I feel like the other half is true about parenting sometimes too, where people laugh it off. Like I was just yelling at my kids and everybody does that, but like, they don’t want to look at it like what could be different? You know? So yeah. It’s hard to find any community like this where you can be totally honest and you don’t feel judged and you also get people who actually want to weigh in and help you. You know? I mean, it’s, it’s, you guys are an example of what a true accountability partnership can bring to your life. I mean, I can see from the outside the shifts in the two of you, but what I would love to know and let me let’s re let me read some of the Liz’s comments, just so we can include her in the conversation she says for the record, I adore Michelle.

(22m 1s):
It’s been, it’s been fantastic. Getting to know her. She has been an incredible blessing, amazing to talk to. And she helps me raise my game. Yes. I love brain dumping with her troubleshooting and being able to share my stuff both past and present. I look forward to our chat sharing and learning from her perfect parenting unmasked. Yes. She says, I feel more vulnerable when I share the issues with Michelle and troubleshoot ideas on how to solve plus layering the concept and huge lesson of late equals empathy and connection. Like understanding that totally. It’s great to practice. When I talked to Michelle, we both know we’re here to listen and be in the muck with each other and we don’t have to perfectly fit.

(22m 46s):
Yeah. You know, you guys workshop things together, you guys weigh in and workshop and, and it’s like two smart minds coming together and really caring about what’s going on in the other person’s world. And I think like for you, you were more reserved. Whereas, whereas Liz to me always seemed like there was, there was, there was an anxiety that was sort of just like right there. And there was a lot of apologizing. Like I like, I’m sorry for not it, she always was feeling like she was just behind the eight ball or running a little bit late.

(23m 30s):
And, and so I’m see, I see so much less anxiety and just more joy and confidence and Liz and for you, I see more grounded-ness and, and willingness to like really share without having to like, say it, just so make sure you don’t hurt anyone’s feelings, like really sharing your brilliance in a way that doesn’t feel like you’re trying to sugar coat it too much. Like you’re not as reserved as you were. What are you? Yeah. Yeah. It takes a long time for me to get there. I don’t think I was in a session with one of our favorite people. And she was just like, you know, I think there are probably very few people who know the real you and know the vulnerable side that isn’t saying the appropriate words or whatever, because that is how I move in the world.

(24m 25s):
I’m not, I don’t know, ruffle anyone’s feathers off the bat, or just say what I think right off the bat. And I think part of that is also just upbringing. Like, it’s just what was modeled for me. And I think when I can get to the place where I’m maybe with a smaller group of friends that I’ve known for a while, or somebody like Liz, where I’ve had enough repeated interaction with, then it’s like easier to say exactly. What’s coming to your mind rather than like, no, not that word. Let me see something else. And then you can get to the problem faster. And that’s the person I am or like with, you know, my husband, but he almost thinks I’m too abrasive.

(25m 5s):
Just like the flip side. He’s like, it’s the way you’re saying it. I’m like, okay. But let’s just get to the answer. It’s so funny. And like, but finding that happy medium look, I think to have so much decorum and civility and the way you deliver insight, I think that can be a beautiful thing. And there are times that it’s like, maybe because you’re not sure that you’re going to say it just right. You might hold yourself back and not share your zone of genius and then the other people miss out. Yeah, no, it’s true. It’s true. I’ve gotten that feedback in a roundabout way from a former boss.

(25m 47s):
Like I finally said something truly after like a year and a half of being in this small group of like eight people that worked with him. And he was like the head of the HR division interestingly. And he was like, oh, like, I didn’t know. She felt that way. You know, like she had some real opinions and he was recounting, you know, saying to someone else. And there was like, like, yeah, but I wasn’t making it known at verbally. So he was kind of surprised If you’re the kid that’s struggling and you know that what you’re currently doing, isn’t working.

(26m 28s):
Maybe you’ve been reading books, you’ve been listening to podcasts like this one, you’ve been attending webinars. You’ve been really looking for resources. Maybe even you’ve started going to different types of therapists and nothing really seems to be helping. I want you to check out our basics boot camp program, where you are enrolling our next small group, July 1st. I don’t know when the next group will be again, probably not for several months. And I want you to be in this group and let us help you let us support you. We have a coaching program. That’s like no other out there. It’s like parenting and personal development all under one umbrella because the difference with Mastermind Parenting than a lot of other parenting programs, which there’s some great ones out there, they really have some good tips and tricks and tools.

(27m 19s):
Problem is, is that until we really help you to think about your child in a different way and truly understand what’s going on with them and get to the bottom of this, all behaviors is communication. You’re not going to remember to do any of those things. So what Mastermind Parenting does is we help you to think in a different way that you thought your child in a different way and really get to the bottom of what’s going on with them. So I want you to go to Mastermind, Parenting dot com forward slash of basics dash bootcamp. The link will also be in the show notes. I want you to go. I want you to check out the program class start soon. If you are sick of your current reality com I promise you, your life will be different after 12 weeks, not just your life, your kid’s life.

(28m 12s):
And that’s even more important because you have a struggling kid and I want to help you help them. So can’t wait to get to know you You know, that’s the other piece I think you and Liz both had struggled with that perfectionism, that perfectionistic piece and Perfectionism is a sign of procrastination. It really is. If we say everything perfect. I bet you’re just not, well, I’m not sure yet. I’ll just wait until it’s perfect. Right? And really, if I’m perfect, then nobody can get mad at me.

(28m 53s):
Nobody can judge me. It’ll keep me safe. It’ll keep me protected. But it also keeps you isolated other people from no, like this guy being like, whoa, she really has some opinions. And it’s like, you’ve got a really smart mind, you know, you do. And you’re methodical. And if you’re too scare, if you wait too long to share those opinions, cause they have to be just so perfect. Then everyone misses out. Yeah. Yeah. And it’s true. It’s really true. I think Liz just commented. I had about the same thing that I was thinking that I had never heard Perfectionism as a form of procrastination. I didn’t come up with that.

(29m 33s):
I learned it. I can’t remember. I can’t remember exactly who I learned it from, but it’s really, you know, it’s really interesting because so many people, I think use the term Perfectionism as a badge of honor, like in our super achievement oriented society. It’s like, you know, like in the job interview, like what’s your biggest weakness. I’m just such a perfectionist. Like, you know, I mean, sometimes it just it’s like, I just want everything to be perfect. I mean, I’ll stay at the office until midnight. If I like, and then I have to, at some point you’re like, okay, like it doesn’t have to be so perfect. Yeah. Yeah. And it’s just like, shut the fuck up. Like, no, we’re not doing that.

(30m 14s):
Right. Right. But, but that creeps into the way you do anything is the way you do everything. And so when we’re trying to be so perfect, it also keeps us isolated and separated from our kids, from the people we love the most people want to know like the you and your underwear, you know, like kids are like, they want to climb into your bed. They’re not going to say like, oh mommy, you need to shave your legs. You know? Like they just want to get all up in there and they want to know the real you the imperfect pieces. So yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like I think that’s part of this whole thing of realizing that not setting boundaries well was probably a function of living out what I thought I was supposed to be doing.

(31m 8s):
Do you know what I mean? Like kind of giving yourself over to somebody else because you think you’re supposed to be perfect in this other way. And yeah. It takes you off course for awhile. Well, it does. And so that’s why I like to say, like, we’re going to practice these personal development tools with our kids. Really. Like if you’re struggling with perfectionism and boundaries and saying things clearly and directly and showing up authentically and understanding when you’re giving a command and when you’re giving a request like that is leadership language. So the only way that you can master these skills is a lot of practice.

(31m 50s):
And that’s what little kids provide for us. Right. So we have all these opportunities, Hey bud, it’s time to get to the bath. Okay. And then they ignore you. And so you have all these opportunities, all those moments of the day to be like, shit, why are they ignoring me? Okay. How did I say it? Wait, was that a command or a request? Okay. Oh, I see. I said, okay, on the end, but in five minutes, you’re getting in the bathtub. Did you want to set the timer? You want me to see? So now all of a sudden I have clearly and assertively communicated a command and I’m in an authority position. There is a power differential between parent and child.

(32m 30s):
So now when I’m practicing that assertive communication skill, all the freaking time, all day long, because we know literal little kids are, and then it’s time to go out into the world and practice this same skill at work with our parents. Like being a clear communicator, understand how to clearly communicate. What’s okay with you. What’s not okay with you. What you want to happen. Like that’s all a part of boundaries. You’re like, oh, I already have this skill set. Shit. I forgot that I could apply the thing I learned at home. Now here and here and here. And very quickly you realize you have grown as a person.

(33m 12s):
You have changed because you practice this new skill at home and now you get to use it in all these other areas. Yes. Yes, totally. Totally. I feel like there’s a lot. I was talking about this with a friend a while ago, like how you would get back in, how should we get back into the workplace and how you parlay, what you’ve learned in parenting as these strong skills that you can take into the workplace where people don’t always, they wouldn’t always list them on a resume and you’re like, wait, but that’s what we need. Right? Like I can multitask. I can manage people, you know, I can stick to a schedule. I’ve gotten really good with time management. I know how to time block.

(33m 53s):
I know how to keep a calendar. I know how to help other people. No one totally. I mean, there’s so many different anyway. Okay. Here part this part she says, I recall when I took basics years ago, that’s our basic bootcamp as our foundational program that everyone starts with when they start to learn Mastermind, Parenting, and want to descript the perfect SAP productive conversation with my kid over an issue, that’s our kind of main tool learning how to have productive conversations. I literally typed it out, was panicked. It wasn’t perfect. And I think I even shared it with you and I’m fine. And I’m finally getting it. It’s about how to think about handling the problem.

(34m 33s):
Not a perfect set of directions on how to fix it. Yeah. She talks about the vulnerability and the trust. Anyway, I just think when I’m giving these live report cards, a lot of it is focused on where was your kid? What made you join Mastermind? I think our kids, especially our squeakiest wheels, they’re really just calling us to more and where you guys are, is to me where you were and where you are really has more to do with as women, both of you. I think we’re deep into the throws of perfectionism. You showed up as more reserved.

(35m 14s):
I think Liz also could be reserved, but she was, I saw there was a lot of anxiety. And what I’ve seen in both of you guys, from where you were to where you are, is just a ton more confidence and joy. Like just even being a fly on the wall of seeing y’all’s relationship. I just seem so much more true joy. I don’t know if you feel that. Yeah. And I think it’s sometimes just kind of hearing somebody say, and this was the good point of my day, or I’m really excited to treat myself and do this. It just, again, it kind of gives you the moment to pause and recognize it, or even the permission to say it out loud because sometimes life just feels like work, work, work, like, what am I doing?

(36m 3s):
That’s what am I accomplishing? And then, okay. Yeah, because if I don’t talk about this or for me, if I don’t talk about it, it doesn’t exactly exist or I’m not giving it the airtime and the value that it needs to have. So yeah, I think that’s just easier when you hear it from someone else to stop and take stock too. And then, and then kind of verbalize it or, or prioritize it. Well, yeah, Liz just said, she for sure feels more joy and competence. Okay. My final question for both of you guys, Liz, I want you to type them. What are you proudest of in terms of the progress you’ve made since you’ve been in, involved in Mastermind Parenting?

(36m 50s):
I think it’s still a work in progress, but I think it is, I’m proud to be the parent that says, this is who my child is. Like, you want to keep guiding them, but not trying to just change them and not trying to have them match what you think. I mean, I still feel like I’m not working to fit a mold as much as I might’ve been before. Like getting my trunk to be this way, act this way, look this way. And he kind of came out with a neon sign like last year, like I’m not doing that. Like until you slow down and like help me out, you know?

(37m 32s):
And interestingly, once you actually slow down and connect, it’s like, okay, now I can kind of like rest easier. I’m not going to be quite as like much of a roller coaster with my emotions. So I think that just like finding, let me say this because I can’t help it. Okay. When I say these kids, these squeaky wheel kids that bring us here are calling us to more based on our conversation based on the theme that you and Liz and the perfectionism and everything you just said, like fully embracing the child, he was born to be, rather than trying to fit him into a mold of being the, what is he here to teach you?

(38m 17s):
What has he called you to more, yeah. To be my authentic self and not try to fit the mold. And they’re like hints of that before he was even on this earth. And I just have strayed from that because something in my mind, I think told me kind of at this stage, at this age, this is what things look like. So yeah. Kind of, so, so yeah, so he, he has called you to, to break up with perfectionism. Like there is no perfect mold. You’re perfect in perfectly you, and that that’s who you were born to be and that’s who he was born to be.

(38m 60s):
And because you know how to like, because of conditioning and the way you were raised and all the things you’re really good at putting on that perfect mask. Totally, totally. Right. So yeah, really good at taking a whole year to tell this guy what you actually freaking think when you’re working at the company. Oh, she has some opinions. Right. And he’s here to say we don’t, we ain’t got time for that. Come on. I’m perfectly me. You’re perfectly you. And I’m here to make sure you get the memo, mom, and I’m going to get you back to that place. You heard the message years ago and I’m going to help you get back to that.

(39m 41s):
Yeah, for sure. I totally agree. Yeah. That’s so good. That’s so good. Well, maybe Liz will comment later here on what she feels proud of stuff. I mean, I could say what I, I think she should feel cause both of you guys, I could pause for applause for y’all all day long. Okay. We gotta get on. Thank you for making time for this. And you’ve got a busy day. It’s really about how to tackle perfectionism both personally, as well as a parent, as a wife, as a human being, how to come to the table, being more vulnerable, not necessarily going to fix it mode all the time and not feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and having to fix everything and be perfect and buttoned up and yada yada yada.

(40m 37s):
So I think that’s probably my biggest takeaway. And I think that’s just, you know, the lessons I think At Mastermind are both personal they’re professional. They’re, they’re parenting they’re everything. And just being able to connect with Michelle has helped me practice what I need to preach. And so I’m very grateful for that. So thank you both for being live ish. Thank you for seeing me type and I will talk to you a little bit later. Thank you. Thanks for listening today, guys. I hope you picked up some tips tools, maybe some baby steps for creating more balance and boundaries in your life.

(41m 17s):
And I just wanted to let you know if you want to continue moving the needle forward in creating this for yourself, having a happier household. I want you to go to my website and check out Mastermind, Parenting dot com. We have three beginning programs, and if you need some accountability and more support, then please look for the one that would be a good fit for you. And as always, we’re on all the social channels under Mastermind Parenting on Instagram, it’s mastermind, underscore parenting, and you know, periodically I do pop up on different Instagram lives, Facebook lives, where I give you teaching and coaching.

(41m 59s):
And I love engaging with you live to help you help your strong-willed kids so that they can feel better because when they feel better, they do better. And I love, love, love, getting to know you guys. So thanks for listening. If you liked this podcast, please don’t forget to subscribe, rate and review super, super appreciative.

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Creating A Happier Household

by Randi Rubenstein