186: Is This Just A Phase?

(1s):
My name is Randi Rubenstein, and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast at Mastermind Parenting, we’re on a mission to support strong-willed kids and the families that love them. You’re listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode 186. Well, hi guys. Welcome to this week. I’m going to, I just have sort of a brief outline of what I want to talk about with you guys M doing a bunch of research right now, because I have just started writing my second book and this one’s going to be a collaboration and I’m writing it with my friend and fellow mastermind, mom, Sarah Miller.

(44s):
She is a doctor. She’s a, she was in pediatric school time and now she opened her own practice. And she does about half the time, pediatrics, half the time internal medicine, and we are writing a book together. So we’re having a lot of fun and we’re just in the outlining planning it out kind of phase right now. And we have some big intentions for this book right now. We’re testing a hypothesis. Okay. So the hypothesis is when you have a child that from a very young age said, you know, I know all parents worry about their kids, but I have three kids.

(1m 27s):
So I know that I had kind of just general worried mom brain about all the things. And then I had some worried mom, brain and gut instincts, which is, Hmm. I think there’s something to figure out. I think there’s something to figure out. So when you have a child and you know, from a very young age, like let’s say, you’re going to that baby class that all your friends signed up for and you’ve got the one child, or you feel like it’s the one child. I’m sure it’s probably half the class, but in your mind, it’s S the one child who just is crying the whole time And all the other babies are like clapping and doing all the baby things.

(2m 18s):
And you’ve got the kid and you’re sitting there like working your ass off to try and have your little tiny baby enjoy this music class that you just have to like jump through hoops between naps and dirty diapers and feeding schedules. And you’re exhausted just getting there. And then you have this baby that isn’t even enjoying it. And by the time that baby’s two, you’re starting to go to the birthday parties and all the other kids seem to be participating, but you’ve got the child who’s like cleaning to your leg and they don’t want to play. And your, all the other moms are talking, All the other parents are talking and kind of, you know, how are we sharing a beverage?

(3m 1s):
And you’re having to deal with your kid. And so your kids refusing to leave your side, and then it’s time to start preschool. And the teachers are telling you, oh, it’s just separation anxiety. They, they stopped crying within five minutes. And you know, so there’s just like there’s scenario after scenario, after scenario where you’re like, Hmm, I think there’s something going on with my kid, but I don’t even know where to start. And our hypothesis is that most people reach out or start asking questions during their doctor S visits with the pediatrician.

(3m 47s):
Like that’s the sort of child development authority in your life. Like, that’s the one that you really want to ask where you don’t really worry as much about like that. Like maybe you ask your sister-in-law who became a mom before you, or maybe you think to ask, maybe you have that rare relationship where you feel like you can ask your mom anything and there’s not going to be any judgment. And, and so maybe you have that relationship with your mom or an older relative, or an older sibling maybe. And then maybe you’re like the other 99.9% of us who is like, I don’t want anyone to think there’s something wrong with my kid, or I don’t want anyone to think that I’m a bad parent or that I can’t figure this out or this doesn’t come naturally.

(4m 40s):
And so then you’re just like stuck in yourself trying to figure it out. And so our hypothesis is that you ask your doctor because you’re in there, let’s say for a well-check or you’re in there for a virus, you know, your kid has a virus or whatever, and you’re, you’re in the doctor’s office. And you’re like, so is it normal? Or do you think, and so you’re starting to maybe ask your doctor, but maybe not really ask your doctor. And so that is my hypothesis is that you reach out to your doctor and I’ve heard this from lots of different parents that, of course you consult your pediatrician.

(5m 24s):
Like, that’s your person, like, that’s who you’re going to ask, like, find out about all the typical milestones. And they’re the ones that you go to every time your kid has a birthday or when in their first year of life, every month. And they’re kind of looking at all the markers, they’re just, they’re the ones who are kind of following your kid S developmental progress, right? So that was my hypothesis. And Sarah feels like it’s pretty valid that people reach out to their, and so that’s why we’re writing a book together, because I think quite often, parents specifically moms, because as we all know, unfortunately in this day and age where sometimes it seems like we’re going backwards, don’t even get me started.

(6m 14s):
They, I just, I mean, the whole women’s rights and reversing Roe V. Wade is just got me in a whole uproar in my body. So I’m not going to go off on that tangent. And what I know is that the majority of the parents that reach out to me are, are women are the female parents. Okay. So I’m just saying, I think that most of the parenting still falls on the mom. So the mom is taking the kid. And if you’re the rare dad, who’s actually listening to this podcast and you’re truly an equal parent, or maybe even have taken the lead as the parent.

(6m 57s):
We love you. And you’re not the norm. So don’t get offended that I’m gearing this towards women, please. I’m begging you. You’re a good guy. And don’t get offended. Women have had to have had to insert ourselves in lots of conversations, geared towards men for many, many years. So it’s fine. You’re going to be okay. So anyway, I think it falls on the mom and she goes to the doctor and she’s sitting there and she’s struggling, and she’s worried about what’s going on with their kid. And she’s looking for answers. And she’s asking the pediatrician, you’re asking the pediatrician. And then there’s the pediatrician’s perspective, the doctor’s perspective, which is most often these questions are being asked.

(7m 46s):
Like, it’s not a separate appointment. Like you’re worried about some, some pretty significant things that you’re seeing. And so you ask the pediatrician and the pediatrician has, you know, they’re having to deal with insurance and all the different things, all the red tape involved in this day and age with being a doctor. So the pediatrician they’re in the visit with you and they’re focused on your kid. And also they are on a very, very, like their timeframe is just not a lot. They don’t have a lot to devote towards each one of their patients. So you ask these kinds of big questions.

(8m 27s):
And even though I don’t think anyone becomes a pediatrician for the fame and fortune, like these are the, these are good people. They care about kids. They care about kids’ health and wellness, and they want to help you, but they also have a million balls in the air and they’re time crunch. Okay. So you ask them these loaded questions. And I think what happens so often is parents either get reassured that their kid is so they’re not given extra resources or they’re sent down the therapeutic rabbit hole, you know, oh, you could get them a neuro psych evaluation, or you could do this, or you could do that.

(9m 9s):
And then you’re given this other doctor’s information and then you reach out and then it’s a year and a half wait. Or you, you know, you start down that whole rabbit hole. And what Sarah and I want to do is we want to change the conversation. We want to educate doctors and parents that before you, you may go down the therapeutic rabbit hole and you may go and get all the evaluations as many of us have done. And lots of them have been helpful. And before you do that, we want you to get resources like Mastermind Parenting.

(9m 53s):
First, we want to educate doctors and parents that before we go down that rabbit hole, let’s evaluate what’s going on at home. What our systems are, let’s investigate, what’s going on with our kid. And let’s DIY it at home first before we go. So I just feel like we want to reverse the order of how we’re actually helping parents who have kids that they’re worried about, that they feel like, Hmm, it’s not blatantly obvious, but I think this isn’t supposed to be so hard, or my kid seems unhappy a lot of the time or anyway.

(10m 35s):
So we’ve been going to, to my private groups that I work with, and we’ve been asking, picking everyone’s brains a lot. And so we’ve really been curious about the questions. Many parents ask themselves the questions that we Google and the questions that may be, we even ask our doctor might ask our doctor. I think the most honest thing is what do we Google? Because the way you Google is like, you’re not trying to look smart. You’re not worried about being judged. You’re not worried about your kid getting labeled. You’re not worried about getting labeled.

(11m 17s):
We just are searching for answers when we Google. Okay. So some of the things that have come back to us from the moms in my private groups, Is This Just a Phase, like, that’s kind of a question like, so my kid’s doing X, Y and Z is just a phase that like six year olds do, or, or 11 year olds do or tweens do. Or this is just a phase that a lot of boys go through. It just a phase. It, a lot of girls go through. And so Is This Just a Phase? I think if you really look underneath, Is This Just a Phase? The underlying question might be, so is this normal?

(12m 0s):
Like, do I need to be worried or is this normal? This is just like normal child development. Like, it’s just a phase they’re going through. And then if you take it even a step further, like the thing that we’re really, really worried about is, is there something wrong with my kid? Like, are, are they normal? Is there something wrong with my kid? And I think it can be hard to look at these questions, like to really ask yourself if you’re asking these questions to yourself. Okay. Because that is really what we want to address in the book that we’re writing is we want parents who are struggling with these questions that they may, it may feel just too vulnerable to even say it out loud.

(12m 54s):
I get it. I know. Cause like, I don’t know if he wants to be judged. And my big fear has always been, what if I say something and then my kid gets judged or labeled or there’s negative repercussions that my kid experiences because of something I put out into the world, Thanks for joining me on the Mastermind Parenting podcast. Remember you can join our email list at Mastermind, Parenting dot com for more tips and tricks on how to have a peaceful household Parenting is so it’s so vulnerable to even talk about it.

(13m 41s):
Like I’ve heard so many people say like professionals that are teaching amazing things and I’ve heard some many professionals say, yeah, don’t ever talk to people about parenting. It’s literally like talking about sex or money. And what I think is, is it’s kind of like whenever I’m dealing, I got, I experienced this recently. Like, like when you have teenagers and all of a sudden the kids are in high school and they start to be teenagers and they’re going to be exposed to risky behaviors and whatever I’m telling you there’s at any time in the parenting process, it is never more of a minefield when it comes to talking about these situations with other parents than that.

(14m 32s):
Because whenever I think people are insecure about something, I just think like nobody can be trusted because we’re all, you know, we’re all just trying to get our bearings and the whole, like, it takes a village and whatever. I’m like insecure people. When any of us are insecure, it’s unsafe. It’s emotionally unsafe when any of a certain, and I think that’s my hypothesis for why people reach out to their doctor. Cause it’s like, you feel like it’s confidential. It is your doctor. And so, but what I found in polling, a lot of moms and if I really go back and try to remember where I was, I think so many of us are even worried about being judged by our doctors.

(15m 16s):
So what, where does that leave us? We’re more worried about our kids. It like kind of leaves us on an island all alone. And that is why we are writing the book because I’m like, so many of us are having the exact same feelings and questions and why on earth do we have to go through this all alone? And frankly, you know, that’s why I have Mastermind Parenting in the first place is I’ve created the community that I wanted when my kids were little or even when they weren’t little, I wanted a safe community.

(15m 55s):
I wanted a community to bounce things off of. I wanted a community with somebody who had walked the path before me and who I trusted and who could help me, who could help me figure some things out. Right. Like I really, I could never could find it. And so I just have gone now and created it. So I guess the point of this episode is, is that I want y’all to really think about what keeps you up at night and what are you most worried about and what are the things you’re saying in your head that you may not even be able to bring yourself to say out loud, okay, what are your big worries and concerns?

(16m 39s):
And I want you to know that you’re not alone. Okay? You are absolutely not alone. And there are resources out there. And the thing that Sarah always says to me, like one of her main intentions for writing this book is because she really just wants parents who have kids that they’re worried about to realize that there’s resources available and that, you know, they don’t have to be struggling with this all by themselves. And she’s like, what I’m saying to parent after parent, after parent is there’s nothing wrong with your kid.

(17m 21s):
There’s nothing wrong with your kid, but really that’s not a, don’t worry. There’s not, they’re perfect. They’re fine. She’s basically like your child is designed and why are exactly as they are you getting to know them is the critical piece. And there are so many shifts that can be made just by what you’re able to do at home in terms changing how you communicate with them, how you think about them, how you structure the day with them. She’s like, we need to make sure that all the parents know that help has arrived and there’s nothing wrong with their kids.

(18m 6s):
You know, it’s just about, it’s just a matter of getting to know your kid. And I don’t know about you guys, but like I never wanted to hang out with like the cookie cutter people in my life. I thought always loved the original recipe people. So why don’t we become parents or we all of a sudden like, please be a sheep, please be a sheep. Please don’t be, or an original recipe person. Why it like doesn’t even make any sense. Right? So we’re getting back to that version of ourselves, where we want our kids to be individuals. We want to set them up for success. We want to support them in the best way possible.

(18m 47s):
We know that losing our cool. It just makes matters worse. That’s why we feel guilty and ashamed about it. And we’re human. So learning new things and finding the right resources. I just want it to become more of a mainstream conversation. And for everyone to know that like taking a parenting class or, or listening to a parenting podcast, understanding your child, not necessarily outsourcing them to go get fixed, but realizing you were given the exact perfect child and they were given the exact perfect parent for them.

(19m 31s):
And it’s all a matter of getting to know each other and figuring out what all of our needs are and working as a team. Yeah. I want to take the stigma out of getting help for yourself as a parent, learning new tools, finding the right resources, understanding your child on a deeper level, truly getting to know them, relinquishing the control. Understanding when control is on the scene, then quoting Bernay brown lately. And a lot of my groups because her new book, Atlas of the heart, you know, she really breaks down 87 different emotions and that we just have terrible emotional vocabularies.

(20m 19s):
And, and she’s teaching this concept that I find so interesting and it’s called the near enemy concept. And evidently it’s something that she learned, I think through the study of Buddhism or somebody who studies Buddhism. And it’s like, the opposite of connection is disconnection. This is what I’ve heard. Bernay say. So the opposite of connection is disconnection, right? And most of us want connected relationships. We’re right. Where we really feel like we are connected. You know, we’re not separate. We’re, we’ve got a true deep kind of heartfelt connection with other people. So when we’re disconnected, it feels terrible because we’re humans and we’re pack animals.

(21m 5s):
And we’re meant to be in connection. Like we’re, we’re meant to be in tribes. We’re meant to live together. We are not so low creatures. And so the near enemy she said is quite often more dangerous than the far end than the opposite. So connection disconnection cause the near enemy is this confusing concept and the near enemy of connection, which sort of can camouflage and look like connection. Like, like we’re doing these loving things to care for the people we love. And we’re so connected, we’re calling them, reminding them. We’re calling, we’re calling where we’re micromanaging.

(21m 48s):
She says the near enemy of connection is control. So when we try to control every little thing, it’s almost like you’re smothering the person that you love and it severs connection. So the near enemy of connection is control. So I think when we’re operating from a place of fear and worry and not knowing where the right resources are and we feel all alone and we don’t need the N-word and it’s keeping us up at night or it’s waking us up at night, like that’s a terrible place to live. And I think that’s what quite often causes us to go into this kind of hypervigilance and trying to control every little thing with our kids.

(22m 35s):
And then ultimately it feels, it feels like the opposite of connection. So then they feel isolated and alone and it’s just not serving any of us. So anyway, that was kind of a heavy topic, but hopefully I brought up some things that maybe you hadn’t thought about and got your brain work. And that’s what I got for you guys this week. Thanks for listening today, guys. I hope you picked up some tips tools, maybe some baby steps for creating more balance and boundaries in your life. And I just wanted to let you know, if you want to continue moving the needle forward in creating this for yourself, having a happier household.

(23m 21s):
I want you to go to my website and check out Mastermind, Parenting dot com. We have three beginning programs, and if you need some accountability and more support, then please look for the one that would be a good fit for you. And as always, we’re on all the social channels under Mastermind Parenting on Instagram, it’s mastermind, underscore parenting, and you know, periodically I do pop up on different Instagram lives, Facebook lives, where I give you teaching and coaching. And I love engaging with you live to help you help your strong-willed kids so that they can feel better because when they feel better, they do better.

(24m 5s):
And I love, love, love, getting to know you guys. So thanks for listening. If you liked this podcast, please don’t forget to subscribe, rate and review super, super appreciative.