188: Is There Something Wrong With My Kid?

By May 31, 2022September 19th, 2022Mastermind Parenting Podcast
188: Is There Something Wrong With My Kid?

The last couple of episodes, I’ve been kind of hitting on some heavy topics. I’ve also been sharing a little bit about my process and that I’m testing some hypotheses right now in preparation for a book I’m writing with my friend Sarah Miller. And I’ve been picking a lot of moms’ brains about just what we’re most worried about.

One of the biggies that comes up… What do you do if your kid has a diagnosis or a label? Is my child going to be like this forever? Is this just a phase? Is it “normal” for kids to behave this way? I know through my conversations, that this has been part of your world or possibly come across your mind.

I know it was part of my parenting experience, and today I’m going to share with you that story. I was noticing something that gave me these thoughts, and prompted me to find out more about what was going on. It also led me to a huge insight related to my work, an “a-ha” moment of sorts.

 

Another thing I’ve come to realize through working with Sarah, an insight she’s had through the conversations she’s had with her colleagues. The minute professionals bring up parenting as a possible influence on the behavior, people shut down and 99% of the time you never hear from those people again. 

Also, parents often get diagnoses for their kids and it’s common that no one addresses the “now what?” What do I do with this information and what do I do next? 

That was my experience too, my revelation of sorts. My son needed professional help, and instead of sitting in the waiting room, I went into the sessions with him. So I could observe, understand how to approach this, and know what to do after we were done with the sessions. To carry it forward to our home, and beyond. 

Don’t let a diagnoses get you down. It’s important to get over our own egos and not to worry about other people’s judgment for not knowing all the things. We have to be willing to learn new things. It is the most generous, loving and unselfish thing you can do for your kids. I believe that this is the sign of a truly good parent, a parent that puts the needs of their kids before their own insecurities. 

It is so hard. So incredibly hard. And I haven’t always done it. 

As always, thanks for listening, and be sure and head over to Facebook and you can join my free group Mastermind Parenting Community, where we post tips and tools and do pop up Live conversations where I do extra teaching and coaching to support you in helping your strong-willed children so that they can FEEL better and DO better. If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it!

About Randi Rubenstein

Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.

She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.

At Mastermind Parenting, we believe every human deserves to have a family that gets along.

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Transcription

(1s):
My name is Randi Rubenstein, and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast at Mastermind Parenting. We’re on a mission to support strong-willed kids and the families that love them. You’re listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode 180 8. Well, hi guys. How are you? The last couple of episodes I’ve been kind of hitting on some heavy topics and sharing a little bit about my process and that M testing some hypotheses right now. And I’ve been picking a lot of moms brains about just what we’re most worried about.

(43s):
Usually it’s moms who are in a different place, but not so far away from when life felt just so stressful and unmanageable that they can still remember what it was like. And so I’ve really been asking them, like, what are the thoughts in your head? What are your secret worries? What are you thinking? What are you asking? How were you kind of searching for solutions when you were worried about your child or knowing that you needed to take a parenting class or that life felt too stressful and it’s not supposed to be this way. Like I have a lot of moms that, you know, I attract resourceful problem solving people.

(1m 27s):
I mean, there’s plenty of people I know in my personal life who are just what I call story fond, blurs. Like they live in that place of victim energy. And this is not that toxic positivity, like light that’s so good. What are you complaining about? Like, no, that’s not it, but there’s also this thing of like identifying what we’re feeling, what we’re thinking when there’s a problem we’re trying to solve. And then going through the process of finding resources, learning new things and not just staying stuck in Suckville. Okay. So I feel like I really attract people who are action taking, you know, it’s funny.

(2m 14s):
I have a lot of female physicians in my program and female physicians are like my favorite people because they have been through it. And that’s why I also chose Sarah. Who’s a female physician to write a book with me, the current book that I’m working on and that have been sharing a little bit about in the last few episodes, because female physicians, it’s a, it’s an interesting perspective, just like what they’ve been through to become a doctor, right? Like it’s a grueling process going to medical school and then doing your residency. I mean, it’s, you know, sleep deprivation and there is a good old boys club mentality.

(2m 58s):
And so when you are a woman who has gone through all of that, so Sarah and I, part of our process, we’ve been meeting on Fridays and just having these little assignments and, and working on this book and mostly like planning it out, mapping it out, figuring out what our core messages, what what’s our intent, like what’s her intention. What’s my intention. And so I’ve just been getting a lot of behind the scenes, like pulling back the curtains. What’s really going on for these female physicians. I already know a lot because I coach them all the time, you know, what’s going on in their lives and in their household, but something silly. Like, so Sarah and I, we started going on these little mini writing retreats.

(3m 41s):
So for like 24 hours, we go somewhere away, we stay somewhere away and we just go kind of balls to the wall for 24 hours and I’m an extremist. So that’s kind of how I work best. Like I was that kid that was the procrastinator, but then I’d pull out my best work at the 11th hour. And so now I’ve just kind of figured out that’s how I like to work. I don’t like to draw things out over a long period of time. I like to sort of stay in whatever mindset I’m in and just really be intense and extreme. And that’s really how I wrote my first book. And so, you know, sometimes it can be a little intense and you don’t know how people work.

(4m 24s):
And so Sarah and I, the first night we were up and we were up late and we just been like talking and she was, you know, writing all these things out. Her brain is just so brilliant where she’ll take what I’m thinking. And then she just organizes it in this beautiful way. And she’s got this gorgeous writing. And so she was just, she was just without all this amazing work, you know, I just was kind of just like in awe of her. And so right before we went to bed and it was late, I was like, you really kept up with me. And I have to say, I know I can be a lot, like I’m intense when I get into that mode.

(5m 5s):
And I kinda like to say, like, I have an addict brain. Like, I’m really lucky that I never did any kind of crazy hard addictive drugs because I just get so intense. And I know I have that extreme version of my personality and she’s like, yeah, once you go through college medical school residency, like there’s so much focus that’s needed. She’s like, I used to go and like sit in this one spot and for like 12 hours, just do nothing else. And I was like, gosh, I mean, the diligence that she has. So then I said to her, I have to ask, you’ve been drinking pretty much as much water as I drink.

(5m 47s):
Do you ever pee? And she said, well, like twice a day. And you know, as a resident and then as a doctor, like there’s no time to go. So I’ve just like trained my blood. She goes, it’s probably terrible for me. And I’m girly going to regret it when I’m older. Anyway, she probably wouldn’t appreciate me sharing that. But I was like that to me is the perfect metaphor for what, what our female physicians, how they have trained themselves. I don’t know. I don’t, I just don’t believe that the men are doing that. Maybe they are, I can be a little reverse sexist sometimes, but I was just like, you pee twice a day. It’s like a dog that lives in New York city. You know, like my dogs go to the bathroom all the time in and out in and out, but I was just like, wow, that’s amazing.

(6m 32s):
So anyway, we’ve been working on this project, working on this book, really wanting to change the conversation. And there’s a lot of ideas swirling in my head. And so what I really want to do is I want to share with you just some of the research and some of the conversations we’ve been having. And I’m just thinking if you’re thinking any of these things and you relate to this, at least you will know that you’re not crazy. And I think it’s part of figuring out what the solution is to solving the current problem that you’re in your brain. You’re trying to figure out, I think is, is making sense of it and understanding that you’re not the only one, like I’ll never forget, like I had been oh, learning and researching.

(7m 21s):
And, and yeah, I had already been teaching parenting classes based on this program, conscious discipline, which is really a program for teachers. And, and when Alec was 10, he’s now 24. But when Alec was 10, I had been teaching these conscious parenting classes. Like life was so much better than it had been when he was little. And then I read this book, the highly sensitive child, and I already knew so much. I mean, I didn’t know everything obviously. And I had never stopped learning, but it was so cool because when I read this book, the highly sensitive child, it really didn’t give me any new information. It was all stuff that I already had learned for the most part, but just reading in one book, a description of everything I was experiencing with my own kid.

(8m 15s):
I remember it just felt so comforting to me. Like there’s a book like this is my kid. They just described my kid. Like now I have words to put with this. There’s a category. I don’t have to be feeling like I’m figuring all of this out alone. Like just reading that book made me feel less alone. And I don’t know. It just, it propelled me forward. It helped me make sense of things. It helped me kind of get clean and clear my own head about it. So that’s kind of my intention here. So the question I want to look at today, this is a vulnerable one. This is the thing that people are thinking, maybe Googling, but maybe just thinking, Is There Something Wrong With My Kid?

(8m 60s):
So the, the other questions, like the kind of buildup questions, you know, Is this just a phase? Is it normal for kids to, I remember asking Alex pre preschool teacher when he was like three and a half. Is it normal for him to just have one friend that he wants to play with every single day? Like, is that I was thinking, is there something wrong? You know, aren’t you, when you’re a little kid just supposed to be Footloose and fancy free and play with all the kids in your class. Like I was thinking, is everything okay with him? Or like before he went to kindergarten, we went in and we met with the teachers for the preschool teacher conference and he went to school and he listened.

(9m 42s):
He followed rules. You know, he was the kid who had that afterschool restraint collapsed, where he would get overstimulated all day, taking it all in as a highly sensitive little person. And then he would come home and just be in a terrible mood and really let it all out, you know? So he really would decompress once he got home, but while he was at school, he held it all together. And so, you know, the teachers loved him and loved us. And I was a stay at home mom and I volunteered cause really I really volunteered mostly because I just wanted to keep an eye on him. Cause I was always worried. And I was thinking, is there something wrong with him? But I wouldn’t have said that. I wouldn’t have said it, but I was thinking it, I was worried about that.

(10m 25s):
Like, he’s still little like, is everything developmentally normal? You know, like what’s going on? Like he would do this wincing thing whenever we would throw a ball to him, is that normal? Is that. And then I would look at all the other kids to see if there was any other kids doing that. So I was always kind of, I think, worried, like, is there something wrong? Is there something wrong? Anyway, when we went in that preschool teacher that I had asked that of when he was three and a half, she was great. She was like, some people are one-on-one people probably means it’s going to make a really good husband one day. And I was like, he’s probably going to make a really good husband when like my husband’s like that. He pretty much just wants to be with me.

(11m 5s):
So okay. Like that helped me to feel like, okay, this is okay. And then when he was in pre-K and we went in, you know, they’re like, he’s great. Y’all are the best parents, you know, have a nice life basically. And my husband who is more of a detailed person and, you know, I just want to hear that my kid was okay and that we were great parents and you know, let’s hug and sing kumbaya, but really my husband who doesn’t get swept up in all that, he’s like, yeah, great, fine. Hey, all the kids rainbows are on the wall and they look like rainbows, but Alex rainbow, it doesn’t look like a rainbow what’s going on there.

(11m 52s):
And they’re like, oh, you know, kids develop a difference, fine, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And when we left, so I was like, there’s something going on? You know, I, I’m not sure. I think we need to look into this more. And that was when we took him for his first evaluation with a diagnostician. And I said, you know, we’ll go and we’ll get them evaluated. And then we can really figure out where we want to send them for kindergarten. And when we took him to get evaluated, he was, he was a little over five. And that was when he got diagnosed. I mean, he’s 24 of you guys. So I’m aging myself here, but it was before sensory processing disorder.

(12m 33s):
That was a whole thing. And they just called it fine motor delay. So he was five, I think. And a couple months, maybe five and two months because he’s a February birthday. And she, she pretty much put him developmentally at, you know, in terms of fine motor skills at the age of about three and a half. And so he had been in this private preschool, all the teachers had loved him. I’d been there, volunteering. Nobody ever said one word about the fact that he had a pretty strong, fine motor delay. And that was when I started taking him to occupational therapy. And I took him to occupational therapy every single week.

(13m 16s):
So this thing, if you’re thinking, Is There Something Wrong With My Kid? I’ve seen it with those of us who went down kind of this path where we went to the diagnosticians and maybe we found, we got some information, different information along the way. I mean, that was not our first stop. That was not our first diagnostician evaluation. Let me just tell you, there were several more as the years went on, but if you have something in you saying, I wonder, is there something wrong? I would say, you want to do what you can do at home? Like we had, you want to learn like mastermind tools you want to have, you know, all the things I talk about, you know, come into my program, I’ll teach you all the things, how to structure a household, how to really set your kids up for success, how to investigate and truly understand how your child’s wired, communicating with them, with empathy, impact leadership, you know, helping them to feel emotionally safe, emotionally regulated, understanding when they’re not doing well.

(14m 25s):
There’s a reason there’s something to figure out. And when you’re doing all the things there they’re properly rested, you know, their sleep hygiene is great. Maybe like my kids, they might be eat to live rather than live to eat kids. You know, if they’re eats a little kids, you’re like, ah, they’re not the best eaters. And yeah, they’re getting a decent amount of, you know, yes, they mostly want pasta or chicken fingers or chicken or whatever, but yeah, I’m getting some fruits, I’m getting some vegetables and they eat, they eat. It’s not just pantry serving all the time. They’re eating decently. Okay. So you know that those things are happening and you’re spending that quality time and you’re setting them up for success.

(15m 13s):
You know, your household is a pretty well run machine and you still feel like, I think there might be something wrong or something to figure out. That’s what I would have said. I think there’s something to figure out. It was like a puzzle I was trying to solve. He was like a puzzle I was trying to solve. If you have that going on, what I want to urge you to do is to go and get your child evaluated. And you can absolutely ask for a recommendation from your pediatrician. You can ask around to other moms that you trust, like find your resources and get your kids evaluated.

(15m 59s):
It might be a neuropsych evaluation. It might be an, an evaluation by an occupational or a speech therapist. It might be an evaluation from a diagnostician. You know? So a lot of psychologist’s office have someone in their office that, that do these types of evaluations. But I would say go through it and get your kid evaluated. Because if I hadn’t known that Alec had this fine motor delay, like we went to occupational therapy. I took them every single week for eight months. And they did this program. I loved it called handwriting without tears. I bought it for home.

(16m 40s):
So I would like, they thought I was crazy because like, they were very, very cool. I took them to Texas children’s hospital here. Cause I was like, we live right by the medical center in Houston. Like why would I not take them to Texas? Children’s I went to Texas children’s and I asked the OT. I said, can I sit in here? And Alec knew because we had had this whole thing of, he hated transitions. So he always was not great when it was like a new school year or a new camp or whatever. So we had this kind of situation where if he was at school or doing work, I would sit in the back and give him a few minutes until he was comfortable.

(17m 20s):
And I would wait until he was comfortable. I would leave. But I would say like, if I’m at school, like it’s not you coming in talking to me or sitting on my lap, like I’m just there until you feel comfortable and safe and I’m not there for you to talk to me. Like the teacher is in charge. Right. So got it. So we had this whole deal. So he was used to me kind of being there, a fly on the wall. And I know that might sound crazy to you guys, but I’m so glad I did where I was like, yeah, preschool teacher. Who’s telling me that they stopped crying five minutes after they leave. Like I sensed that my kid was sensitive and like, I wasn’t in a rush to get to work.

(18m 1s):
I didn’t have anywhere. I really had to be. And I was like, no, I’m staying until he’s comfortable. I wanted him to feel safe in the world. And it worked. I mean, it was, it was fantastic. I’m so glad that I did that. And I know it’s not the norm and it might sound crazy to you guys, but I’m okay with that. So anyway, so he was used to that. So I sat in the back and watch the OT work with him and really work with him on these fine motor skills for handwriting. And so I ended up buying the handwriting without tears at home. And it came with all these like cute wooden things and we would just practice and do it at home. Cause I wanted to reinforce what they were doing with the OT was doing.

(18m 41s):
I mean, that just made sense to me. Like how could he go somewhere once a week? And then the next week, remember what he had done. I wanted to reinforce it at home. So we practice daily at home and they did some other things with him there as well. But that was kind of the main thing. And after eight months, I mean his fine motor delay was, he had caught up and I will never forget that summer, that summer before kindergarten, I think it was, we went, we, we rented a condo and we stayed at the beach for like three weeks or a month. And every day while his younger sister, Avery, she was two would nap.

(19m 22s):
I had brought him a sketchpad and a bunch of pencils. And he was the most incredible artist. And still to this day, he is such an amazing artist. And that was when it came out. It was after he had gone through OT and he got, he took so much pride in and it was amazing. And from that time on, he was an artist. Hey, podcast listeners, you know, I’ve had the privilege of working with thousands of families over the years. And I haven’t met one parent yet who hasn’t had the thought pop into their mind. I might be totally screwing this up. What if something I do now messes them up later?

(20m 4s):
You know, this thought usually follows popular discipline methods like spanking timeout and sticker charts, because we want to take behavior that we perceive as bad. And we want to teach our kids right from wrong. I’m going to bust this myth wide, open the myth that you need to punish your kids and the myth that you’re screwing them up. Yes, it’s true. Kids need guidance and they need to be taught what’s okay. And what’s not okay. Kids are resilient. And so are you. You have a good kid. That’s having a hard time period. All you need is a simple shift in your mindset. I’ve created an intensive mini program that contains a five-part video training series.

(20m 46s):
And three days of intensive coaching live with me. It’s called how to set limits without spanking timeouts for sticker charts. You’re going to learn how to take back control of your household in a way that empowers you and your kids. You will learn how to gain respect from not just your strong-willed child, but all your kids and all the people in your life. You’re going to learn how to run your household without chaos. Get back more time for yourself, help your kids improve socially at home and at school and feel confident that you’re absolutely not screwing them up. So don’t miss out. Grab your training, save your seat. It’s only $29 Mastermind, Parenting dot com forward slash setting limits.

(21m 27s):
That’s how you sign up. And I can’t wait to see you in this all new brand new program. So I really want to urge you guys, if you have that in you where you’re thinking there’s something, get them evaluated and know that there’s amazing resources out there. So just because your child might have this delay or that delay, it’s fine. It’s fine because you’re a resourceful bad-ass mama and you’re going to go and find the resources and support them. Okay. So what happens if your kid has a diagnosis or a label, something that’s maybe a little more like, it’s your worst fear?

(22m 16s):
The thing you were so worried about? You know, it’s like ADHD or high functioning autism, or don’t even talk to me about odd. Cause I know a lot of kids who are strong-willed get labeled as odd, but I’m like, come do Mastermind Parenting. We’ll do it for, for a year. And then let’s see if your kid is still odd. Like I don’t have one parent at Mastermind Parenting that works with us that has a child that they believe is odd. And if anybody ever had no DD diagnosis, by the time they’re done at Mastermind Parenting, that’s not even a thing.

(22m 57s):
Like, no, but let’s say you’ve gotten some label or diagnosis. And you’re thinking, Is my child going to be like this forever? What does this mean? I was talking with Sarah about this. Cause she’s been meeting with some of her colleagues kind of just doing some research for the book. And she was talking to a colleague who is a child psychiatrist. And this child psychiatrist was saying, she was saying like, why are we so into diagnosing and labeling kids? And he was saying, you know, it’s like, it’s almost like our hands are tied because insurance for insurance to, for the sessions and then whatever resources are needed, you have to have that label or diagnosis.

(23m 56s):
But the thing and he admitted, he said, but the problem is is that you get the label or the diagnosis and what we sort of fail parents in helping them with is the, okay, we’ve gotten this label or this diagnosis now what, like now what? Even that OT years ago, like she was like at first she was kind of taken aback that I wanted to sit in the room and watch what she was doing with Alec. I’m sure. She just thought I was not job helicoptering and whatever, but pretty soon she figured out that no, I just wanted to see how she was doing it so that when I reinforced it at home, I could do it the same way and I would do it.

(24m 37s):
Right. So she very quickly became super friendly towards me. And I remember her saying at one point, I don’t know that I like understood that it was as big a deal, but she was like, he’s so nice. Like he’s improving so quickly. I remember thinking, oh great. But now I’m like, I think it’s because this is not the norm. It’s like, you drop your kid off to go in the session. And then parents sit in the waiting room. And I think the professional, it can be hard because once the parents in there, because the parent doesn’t understand the pack leadership piece, like how I taught Alec when you’re at school or when you’re working with someone, who’s teaching you a skill, I’m staying until you’re comfortable or I’m here watching what you guys are doing.

(25m 25s):
So I can know how to teach you these things at home, but that’s the person you’re listening to. I’m invisible in those moments, you are not to be talking with me. That’s the person that is in charge. And so my pack leadership was very strong. And I think these professionals probably know that once parents gets in there and next thing you know, the kid’s like, ah, I don’t want to mommy. And they don’t understand how to have that pack leadership. And so it probably makes life more difficult for the professional. But yeah, I think that is a screwed up thing. Like, like we need to change that conversation that it’s helpful when mom or dad is in the session so that they can then reinforce these skills at home.

(26m 8s):
Or if you haven’t somebody like an occupational therapist that goes to your child’s school to work with them, like understanding what are the skills they’re working with them on. And so reinforcing those skills at home so that the next week, the professional doesn’t have to sort of start over again and just add a tiny bit. It’s like the everything happens so much faster, but this child psychiatrist was saying to Sarah, he was saying, you know, I agree like we give them these labels, but then we’re not really equipping parents with the now what, like, this is what you do. This is how you can actually help your child. This is not a life sentence.

(26m 50s):
And sometimes those labels are necessary because with those labels, your child can get the support they need at school. They can get an IEP or they can get extra time on tests. And, and so you want to be able to help your child in the way they’re designed. And they, they learn best. You want to meet them where they are. So you need these labels. But I think so often we just it’s like we just stop at the label and then we don’t focus on what the lagging skills are and what we really need to help our kids with. And that if we bring professionals in to help them with these skills, reinforcing them at home is, is critical.

(27m 30s):
And so many of us have gotten the label or the diagnosis, but we haven’t gotten the now what, and then we’re left to sort of reinvent the wheel and reinvent the wheel and reinvent the wheel. And, and I want you guys to know If you you’re sitting here going yes, exactly. Exactly. Please reach out to us at Mastermind Parenting because we have a whole community of parents who are going through this and we just pool our resources constantly so that nobody has to figure this out all alone. There’s another school of parents that I’ve seen over the years who never get their kids evaluated, but yet they know there’s something to figure out there’s something wrong.

(28m 12s):
And I even saying, there’s something wrong. Y’all, that’s a loaded because there’s really not anything wrong. It’s just, we’re worried that there’s something wrong. If your child is wired differently, like even Alec who had the sensory, the fine motor delay, and really it was probably sensory processing disorder. Like we helped him build up those skills. And then, you know, it was like, no, it was all figure outable. It’s not a big deal. And it turns out he’s a highly sensitive person and that is his super power. Like, honestly, that is just like, I can look at him at 24 and we’ve known this for a long time. Like he, he always just knows the truth.

(28m 54s):
I mean, like, it’s amazing. He’s actually living back at home with us now. And so as a young adult and it’s unbelievable the things that he teaches us because he feels things more deeply. He sees things a lot of times more clearly, like I see a lot in gray and he can really kind of cut to the chase. And he’s just so funny, like his wit his power of observation that he has, like, this is his super power, honestly, that high sensitivity, like there isn’t anything wrong with him. And when he was little, I knew there was something to figure out so that I could support him to grow up into the person that he has been able to grow up to be.

(29m 38s):
So the other school of parents, I think are people who know there’s something to figure out or they’re worried something’s wrong. And they just want to put their head in the sand and pretend it’s all okay. Until things get really terrible, usually around middle school. And they’re sort of forced to find resources to help them, but they really had an inkling that something was going on when their child was very little, but there were just avoiders they, you know, they just avoid it. And I have to say, if you were like, oh, it’s so hard. I don’t want to look at that. It’ll be fine.

(30m 19s):
It’ll be fine. And every time you go to the doctor and the doctor tells you that your kid is normal and fine and you don’t push it because you’re just temporarily, superficially comforted. I really want to implore you to pull the covers back, be willing to look because there are amazing resources out there and your kid’s going to benefit. Okay. So no head in the sand parenting. The other thing I thought was interesting, Sarah was saying that when she was talking to this child psychiatrist and he was saying, yes, I think we do a terrible job with the now what? And he was agreeing with so many of our theories and our philosophies and our hypotheses.

(31m 2s):
He said, you know, it’s so hard because people are not open to you talking about their parenting. So, you know, they come in, they get their kid evaluated. Now the kid has a label and he said, anytime, he’s tried to ask or evaluate what’s going on at home. Or let’s sort of look at what your systems are at home, or what’s going on with your parenting or how you guys are disciplining. He said, 99.9% of the time the person gets either they get outwardly sort of, you know, offended and defensive, or they act cool with it.

(31m 46s):
And he never hears from them again. But he said, if any time he brings up parenting, so people are here getting a label, getting a diagnosis. But if he brings up parenting and things that could shift or change at home, he never hears from the people. Again, it’s so vulnerable. I think when we feel like our parenting is being evaluated, you know, we just so want to be a good parent. And I just want y’all to know that like that is, that’s all ego that does not serve our kids like to be a good parent, really just means to have the courage, to look at this little human four-leaf Clover that you were given and to figure out who they are and what they need and how you can support them.

(32m 43s):
We’ve got to stop making it about us. And that goes both ways. You know, when somebody is complimenting you because your kids are so well-mannered or, you know, so athletic or so smart and readout, whatever it is when we take credit for, you know, somebody, you know, somebody giving our kid a compliment and it pumps us up and it makes us feel good about ourselves and what not to look at that. Like really, because, because that will get in your way, all day long, like we have to start seeing our kids as little individual humans.

(33m 25s):
And that’s the only way we can really help them. That’s the only way that we can truly support them. If we make their behavior means something about us, rather than getting curious and figuring it out, figuring out how we can help them. I mean, really, I think that’s the main obstacle. And I think kids who are raised with parents who are not willing to really quit taking it personally and get curious and look at what’s going on with their kid and constantly are kind of doing this egoic parenting. I think those are the kids that are the angriest. Really? Those are the kids that are the absolute angriest.

(34m 4s):
So when we get over our own egos and we really work hard to stop worrying about other people’s judgment for not knowing all the things and when we’re willing to learn new things, we’re willing to learn new things, more willing to say, I think there’s something to figure out. And I’m going to look at the hard thing. I’m going to seek resources. I’m going to get my child evaluated. I’m going to find the, now what if my kid has a label or a diagnosis? I think that is the most generous and loving and unselfish thing you can do for your kids.

(34m 44s):
I believe that takes a lot of vulnerability and that is the sign of a good parent. Okay. So it’s so hard. It’s so, so hard. And don’t think I’ve gotten this right. I mean, when Alec was like seven and a half, this was a pivotal moment for me was when I don’t know I was, I was hyper-focused or trying to fix him, but, you know, micromanaging something or beating a dead horse about something. And I thought it was love. I thought it was me caring for him, but it really felt a whole lot like control. It was it just all that micromanagement and constant worry and constant trying to figure that things out.

(35m 29s):
It felt like I was, I was constantly trying to fix him. That felt super controlling. And he looked at me. I remember, and he like screamed at me. There’s nothing wrong with me. And there wasn’t anything wrong with him, but I, my constant trying to fix sent him this nuance message. Then there must be something that needs fixing. And so he was basically this little seven year old wizard, like, Hey lady, go fix yourself. Cause there was a lot, there has been a lot to fix in myself, but it wasn’t him that needed the fixing.

(36m 12s):
It wasn’t him. This is a new way of looking at things. This may be a conversation that you can’t even agree with yet, or maybe it’s very triggering. I get it. I get it. I don’t know if younger me would have been willing to hear this level of honesty, but I’m believing in you guys more than younger me. And I’m hoping that this reach some of you and in some way you found it helpful. That’s what I got this week. Thanks for listening today, guys. I hope you picked up some tips tools, maybe some baby steps for creating more balance and boundaries in your life.

(36m 57s):
And I just wanted to let you know, if you want to continue moving the needle forward in creating this for yourself, having a happier household. I want you to go to my website and check out Mastermind, Parenting dot com. We have three beginning programs and if he needs some accountability and more support, then please look for the one that would be a good fit for you. And as always, we’re on all the social channels under Mastermind Parenting on Instagram, it’s mastermind, underscore parenting. And you know, periodically I do pop up on different Instagram lives, Facebook lives, where I give you teaching and coaching.

(37m 40s):
And I love engaging with you live to help you help your strong-willed kids so that they can feel better because when they feel better, they do better. And I love, love, love, getting to know you guys. So thanks for listening. If you liked this podcast, please don’t forget to subscribe, rate and review super, super appreciative.

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Creating A Happier Household

by Randi Rubenstein