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191: When Your Kid is Loud and Angry

By June 28, 2022November 7th, 2023Mastermind Parenting Podcast

Here is another conversation that I had with one of the moms in my Mastermind Parenting community. I was doing these live sessions, these live report card sessions, where we were just assessing where you were, where you are, where you’re going. It’s a big part of the process that involves changing behaviors, right? We can’t expect our kids to change their behaviors if we’re not changing our behaviors.

When you have a kid that presents as “strong-willed,” quite often they may just be feeling misunderstood. They also frequently get misdiagnosed. So this mom, she’s here with me in the mastermind community, she says she’s improved in terms of yelling by 90% now. No one ever signs up and says, “I’m a yeller.” There’s so much shame when we yell at our kids and yet we’re human. And when you have a child that you don’t know how to help do better, quite often, you lose your mind too. And so, then you just have like two people sort of losing their minds and it’s just not helpful, right? Like nothing changes.

This mom has gone through our beginning program, basic bootcamp. For those of you who’ve been listening to the podcast for a while, we do have a group enrolling starting in a couple days from when this episode is originally airing. Listen to this episode and learn how this mom’s parenting skills, and her husband’s, have improved so she no longer has to label herself a “yeller!”

As always, thanks for listening, and be sure and head over to Facebook and you can join my free group Mastermind Parenting Community, where we post tips and tools and do pop up Live conversations where I do extra teaching and coaching to support you in helping your strong-willed children so that they can FEEL better and DO better. If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it!

About Randi Rubenstein

Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.

She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.

At Mastermind Parenting, we believe every human deserves to have a family that gets along.

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My name is Randi Rubenstein, and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast at Mastermind Parenting, we’re on a mission to support strong-willed kids and the families that love them. You’re listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode 1 91. Okay. Guys, here is a conversation that I had with one of the moms in my Mastermind Parenting community. And I was doing these live sessions, these live report card sessions, where we were just kind of assessing where you were, where you are, where you’re going. Okay. And it’s a big part of just kind of the process that involves changing behaviors, right?

Like we can’t expect our kids to change their behaviors if we’re not changing our behaviors. And When you have a kid that presents as strong-willed, which means they are quite often just feeling misunderstood, They also frequently get misdiagnosed. So This mom, she, you know, now that she’s here with me in the mastermind community, she could admit because she’s, she says she’s improved in terms of yelling by 90%. Now, No one ever signs up like ever and says, so I’m a yeller.

(1m 28s):
Like there’s so much shame when we yell at our kids and yet we’re human. And when you have the child that you don’t know how to help do better, quite often, you lose your mind too. And so then you just have like two people sort of losing their minds and it’s just, it’s just not helpful, right? Like nothing changes. So now that she’s gone through our beginning program, basics bootcamp, which for those of you, who’ve been listening to the podcast for a while. We do have a group enrolling starting in a couple days, this, this episode’s coming out the week of June 27th and our new group is going to get started on July 1st.

(2m 13s):
So if you’ve been on the fence for awhile, like I don’t run these groups all the time, just because I’m so invested in the parents, in my community. And it’s, we, we really have sort of a, a boutique coaching program where I know everyone, I get to know everyone. I care about every family that I just don’t enroll a lot of new people all the time. So I do have a small group that starting July 1st with Trump’s she’s super excited about. So if you’ve been on the fence, now’s the time sign up anyway. So This mom had finished our initial program and she has improved a lot of different things in our household. Of course, there’s still things she’s working on.

(2m 54s):
And so that was one of the updates that she shared. She was like, yeah, like I’m not a yeller anymore. Like that feels amazing. And yet my child, you know, she still has these moments where she just gets really loud when she’s frustrated. She has a really hard time dealing with frustration. And so she gave like this example, and I’m not going to ruin it for you. Cause I want you guys to listen to the episode because I think it’s just such a great conversation. It’s not like a mom who’s trying to sugarcoat and perform. It’s a mom getting coached and sharing updates with me and me kind of picking apart and workshopping what’s going on with our kid.

(3m 38s):
And so she gave this example of a simple skill that her five-year-old child was. She was really, really trying to master a new skill, a new physical skill, and she was frustrated. And when she gets frustrated, she gets really loud. And mom’s like, you know, so I’m not yelling at her anymore, but then I’m kind of like a deer in the headlights. Like, what am I supposed to do here? Like, what am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to do? So I just thought this would be a really good conversation to share with you guys. Cause I think a lot of you will relate like, yeah, like what do you do in these moments? And the thing I like about this also is that like, this is a mom that I think is like many, many people out in the world.

(4m 25s):
Like she, she’s not out there displaying her whole life on social media. She’s not the loudest person in the room. She’s not the biggest extrovert. She’s just like a smart lady who wants to be a good mom and wants her kid to have a great life. You know, she’s a real life in the trenches mom. And so after this conversation, when we listened back to it, it was just, I just felt like all of the podcast listeners are going to love it. And so I asked her permission, even though I know she’s really private. And I was like, do you think that we could share this on the podcast? Because I really think hearing your story could help a lot of people.

(5m 6s):
And she was so awesome. And she was like, absolutely, absolutely. So I’m sharing it here on the podcast. And I really hope that it helps some of you guys to know that you are not the only one going through this. And for those of you who feel called to get more support, please reach out, let us know Mastermind, Parenting dot com, go to our website, read about our basic bootcamp program. If you’re wondering if it’s for you, sign up for a call with my team and tell them about your specific situation. Like we are real people. We get to know you, we care about you and we want to help.

(5m 48s):
So that’s what I got. Enjoy the episode today. Okay. Okay. So Here we are having our live report card. So I’ve been studying behavior change for a long time. And cause really I was just like, so often people learn what to do and then they don’t do it or they try to do it, but then they keep not doing it. Like for me also like for many, many years, I mean, everybody in the mastermind has heard me talk about this. Like I struggled so much with closet smoking and it was like, it was out of alignment for me and I, it was like such a source of shame.

(6m 37s):
And, and I kept wondering like, what, why do I keep going back to it? Right. Like I don’t want to do it ad it’s disgusting, but why, what keeps drawing me back? So I think a lot of it is I wanted to figure out how do you change a habit or a pattern that you want to be done with? And when people learn new things, how do I help people to actually implement the new things into their life? And I resisted doing this exercise so much. Okay. Because I don’t want to babysit anyone. I’m a rebel tendency with myself. I don’t want anyone grading me on things.

(7m 18s):
You know, like there’s so many reasons. But what I found is that if you don’t take the time to assess where you used to be and where you currently are and acknowledge really acknowledge on an ongoing basis, what you have overcome, what you have accomplished and also determine where you’re still going, behavior change doesn’t happen or it’s not sustainable. You know? And I think it’s the reason why so many people like they’re going strong on their new eating plan or their diet and get that new year’s resolution in three weeks in, they were like, screw it, you know?

(8m 1s):
And they fall up. So this session is that, okay, this session is that. So I want you to go back pre mastermind. And I want you to really think of the thing, the straw that broke the camel’s back that made you finally say, okay, I got to do it. What was the pain point that made you say fine, I’ll take a parenting, do a parenting program. Well, I think the, the ultimate straw wound up being her, having trouble at school really. I mean, we just couldn’t, I mean, I was not enjoining her company certainly. And you know, that alone probably should have been enough to kind of push me in the right path.

(8m 45s):
Like I just didn’t really care for her. You know what I mean? Like she was really, really difficult, but then, you know, we sort of found some kind of balance at home. I mean, not even really, but it really, it was out the outside, like Pressure Struggling with her. We, we can’t get her to do things. She’s having these crazy outbursts and like she’s on fire and what do we do? And it was just got to this unacceptable level or now other people are involved and he’s disrupting the class and you know, all this stuff. And so that was really the impetus to finally push me, to dig deeper and try and help her really and help my family.

(9m 28s):
Well, it’s interesting because that was what it was for Heather too. Yeah. And she didn’t remember right away and all of a sudden it popped into my brain and I was like, wait, wasn’t there a school issue that we were problem solving right away. She was like, oh yeah, I forgot. And I think, you know, it’s like, we get used to what we’re just living day to day. Right. Right. And so you figure, it’s like, yeah, we’re not exactly enjoying each other, but it’s like, it’s our normal. And we’ve not even maybe thinking to question it because we kind of got used to throw It or dah, dah, dah. Right. Yeah. And I think, I mean, I talked to so many moms about this, which is like the comparison thing, you know, I, I was just having a mom talk about social media recently and she’s like, oh, I’m so irked by like, I can’t stop looking at this social media feed.

(10m 22s):
She goes, and I’m so bugged by all the people constantly like bragging about all their kids’ achievements and all the different things. And we were just kind of talking about that. And I I’ve always heard this saying compare and despair when you compare, you’re going to end up despairing ultimately. But I heard, I think I read, it’s actually primal for us to care about what other people think about us. Okay. So caring about how your kid is behaving at school and how they’re being perceived and caring about what the teachers are thinking about her, what they’re thinking about you.

(11m 1s):
Sometimes I think many of us are like, oh, it feels kind of pathetic. Like why do I care so much about what other people think, but it’s actually primal for us because part of our primal wiring, you know, we’re pack animals and we’re meant to be part of the community and part of a tribe. So your kid’s school quite often becomes your tribe of sorts. You know, it becomes your community. And so when all of a sudden we’re not doing well, it’s almost like worrying about that judgment, worrying about how we’re perceived. It taps into that fear of, are we going to get kicked out of the tribe? What if we’re a problem in the tribe?

(11m 43s):
So it’s actually primal for us to care about what other people think of us. Now. I work with people all the time on how we can temper that and not live our lives based on what they think, what the neighbors think or keeping up with the neighbors. And we stay in our own lane and obviously I teach a lot of tools to be able to do so, but I guess I offer that piece because I want everyone to have some self-compassion in. It doesn’t mean you’re insecure doesn’t mean that like, you know, I was willing to put up with some nonsense at home until all of a sudden there were witnesses. It’s like the witnesses tapped into that primal part of, you know, we’re part of something, a bigger community.

(12m 26s):
And we need to make sure that she can fit into that community and she can be civilized and follow social norms and all those kinds of things. So I think it’s kind of interesting that it was the same thing for you. And it was the same thing for other Yeah. I mean, I guess it’s about age, right? Like five, they go into real school and then it’s, you know, so yeah. What was she doing at school? So she was having a really hard time with transitions. She’s one of those kids that when she’s working on something, she wants to be able to finish it. And if she’s not finished, she’s going to throw a really loud fit. She’s not a great communicator with words and we’re working on that.

(13m 7s):
So for a while it was scream until the world stops and here’s her, you know? So she was just having like these screaming meltdowns with transitions, with doing activities. She didn’t want to do, you know, she has like a stereo tipping issue where she makes these kinds of funny faces when she’s focusing on something and other kids would look at her, you know, cause they’re curious and it’s an abnormal face and she would like scream at them and she hit one of them once. So when he was looking at her, so she’s becoming aware of, you know, peers looking at her, you know, that kind of thing.

(13m 49s):
So it was just a lot, I think. And she hadn’t been quite in a group that big before. So the teacher, because the teacher always said like, she’s great when we’re one-on-one, but in a class setting, obviously she can’t do that very often. And so she was struggling with, you know, being part of the group and having to do something she didn’t want to do. And then at home, what would you say the main issue that you were having with her that was kind of making you just be like, oh, Hmm. Well, so she was having like her screaming and crying fits.

(14m 30s):
They had gotten better at home, I think because we’d started to recognize it and started to communicate with her. Because again, I’d listened to some of your podcasts and read your book and stuff before. And so I was trying to implement some of those things at home and it seemed to work, but she’s still like just yesterday I had a situation where she’s, she wants to jump rope, but she’s not very good at it. And she gets really frustrated and she wants to get five in a row and she’ll get to like three and then it hits her foot. And then she just like screams really, really loud. And you know, no, no, I can’t do it. I can’t do it. And she’s crying and you know, I’m going to stage, so again, talking about our process through the journey, I’m like in this middle stage where I’m kind of like, I don’t know what to do.

(15m 17s):
You know what I mean? Like before it was just react, react to like shut her down, either yell at her, bribe her or punish her, like shut that, screaming down kind of thing. But now I’m like, okay, I don’t do that. Like I let her feel her feelings and I’m like, oh, I hear you. You know, like your voice just comes to me and my hand, I’m like, I hear you. I it’s frustrating. Yeah. Like I get super frustrated when I can’t do something either, but then she just keeps doing it. And I’m like, I don’t want to take the jump rope away from her. So I’m kind of just letting her have this moment. Like I know she’s not feeling well and I know she’s tired. Okay. So I know why she’s acting that way. And then my husband comes out. Cause at some point he’s like, okay, I can’t tolerate the screaming anymore.

(16m 1s):
And so he’s trying to like talk to her and reason with her in this moment. And I’m like, she’s not going to hear anything we’re saying to her, you know? But he’s like trying to reason with her. Like I, you know, I understand you’re getting frustrated. We’re going to have to take this away from you. If you can’t, you know, pull it together. And eventually he just winds up taking it away from her, which I wasn’t trying to do in the beginning. But I was kinda like, I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing in this situation. Like I just tried to sort of calm her down. And then later we came back and we talked about it again. And I said, you know, it’s, you’re tired and you don’t feel well. And that’s why, you know, you got so frustrated and dah, dah, dah, but she just has these like epic meltdowns where any level of frustration she’s immediately in the lizard brain.

(16m 44s):
And it’s, she’s really loud and screaming and, And coincidentally or not, mama’s got noise sensitivity. Right, right. Which is why I would react the way I wouldn’t before. So now I’m like, Hey, I’m doing better. Like I’m not yelling back at her. I’m not finishing her. I’m not trying to drag her into a timeout. And then it’s like an hour of screaming while I make her sit for five minutes, you know, we’re not doing any of that anymore. And so I feel like just me being able to take the pause and meaning if they come like Huge improvement, Huge in art, in our house. But now it’s like, now it’s gotten to the point where now my husband, cause usually I have stopped it before it’s gotten, you know, and now he’s like, wait, Let’s understand.

(17m 33s):
Okay. So let’s also understand. So when she’s frustrated, she’s, she’s feeling disregulated in her body. Right. And so you, you did beautiful. You did the investigate piece. Like you’re like, she’s not feeling the best. She’s had a long day and she’s tired. Okay. So, so she’s already kind of out of spoons, you know, out of energy spoons. And so any little tiny frustration is sending her into a tailspin and the way she has navigated and dealt with these feeling dysregulated in her body was typically to do something really loud and her noise sensitive, mommy would come and give her a ton of attention and ultimately yell at her or do something that tell me if I’m wrong, but it would result in ultimately into tears.

(18m 34s):
Yeah, for sure. Okay. So what I want you to understand is, is like when you’re dysregulated in your body and that’s why we go and eat a sleeve of cookies or you know, or do the over behavior, you know, that we swore we weren’t going to do, like one of my moms was who hasn’t kept alcohol in her house for now months and has really kicked that over drinking behavior to numb out at night. She had a really shitty day to day. I mean, they’re about to go on vacation and the kids, her son’s best friend just found that they COVID and now maybe the vacation is going to be canceled and she’s, he’s already anxious. It was like one thing after another, after another.

(19m 14s):
And she said, she goes, it’s so interesting. I found myself going into the pantry. She goes, and I know I’m not keeping alcohol in the house, but it was like four o’clock. And I’m looking, it’s like my old habit from, even though I haven’t been drinking for months, my old habit of I open the cabinet that I used to keep my wine and I’m looking for it just like almost on autopilot. She goes to, then I start, I find myself looking through the pantries, like what can I snack on? And so she’s like starting to notice because she knew she was having, you know, she was feeling disregulated in her body. She was feeling stressed out in her body. So our kids are no different and little, you know, it’s so interesting because they’re so smart and perceptive and attuned to us and she’s very attuned to you.

(20m 6s):
So when she’s been noisy and, and this is all subconscious, right. But when she’s, she knows mom’s noise sensitive. When I’m having a dysregulated moment. If I get super loud, then she’s ultimately, this is the subconscious brain taking over. She ultimately takes over. It will result in tears. Well, there’s a reason why every as my husband would say, I’d go to the therapist. And all she wants to do is make me cry. Because when the tears come, there is a somatic release that happens. You know, we all fight off the tears. We all think tears are so bad, but when you actually have a good cry, there’s a calm that comes over the body because it regulates the nervous system.

(20m 48s):
So this pattern that she’s had for dealing with dysregulation, which ultimately got mom to yell or shut it down or punish or threaten or whatever, it ended in tears. And that actually was a way that she was able to regulate her body. And so that’s the pattern that is coming back online, even though you’ve been doing amazing. And you’re like taking the pause and talking to her and not losing your cool and cue tipping, quit taking it personally, you’re doing all these things, but she still used to that pattern. The loud noise, loud noise is eventually going to get a reaction and then the tears will come and I’ll be able to feel temporarily better in my body.

(21m 35s):
And so it’s kind of interesting when you look at it from that perspective. So now mom’s not reacting, but if I do it long enough, eventually dad’s going to come out. Right. And then take my thing away, which he did with Some resulted in the tears And the tears, tears ultimately help her to feel temporarily more regulated. So understanding that I think it just helps in terms of like now what do I do? Okay. Because we got to, we got to disrupt this pattern. Yeah. So what would it look like if when the volume escalates, if mom said, you know, my ears are sensitive to noise, so I’m going to go inside.

(22m 25s):
If you need me, you can, you know, and you’re ready to talk, come grab me. I’m happy to help, but I can’t take all this loud noise. What would happen if mom disengaged and, and let her know it’s too much noise. So tell me when you can talk to me, like I’m talking, what would, what would happen? I don’t know, to be honest, I really don’t know. Like if we, if we both just kind of let her keep having her fit. Yeah. Yeah. And I walked away, that’s disengagement, you know, sometimes people worry that it’s abandonment. Like we want to like, all feelings are okay. Half of life involves negative emotions. Like what if we had all learned it?

(23m 5s):
When we were little kids, we don’t want to shut down feelings and force our kids to bottle it all up. And we also want to disrupt this pattern that she, you know, it’s not working. You can’t, you know, being the noise pollution, you know, the, the kid that’s guilty of all this noise pollution. Well, guess what? It’s not really civilized behavior. And it’s not really teaching her how to regulate her body and help herself to calm down in a better way. Right. And so I would say disengaging letting her know, Hey, you know, talking to her like at a time, Hey, like when you get really upset, I’m always here to help you.

(23m 49s):
Like when you were frustrated with your jump rope, I’m here to help. And when you make a whole bunch of noise, my ears are sensitive. It’s, it’s actually not good for my body to be around all that noise. So when that happens, I’m going to go to another room or go away from all the noise. And when you’re ready to take some deep breaths, calm your body down, sniffing the flowers and blow out the birthday candles and calm your body down and come and let me know, mommy, I’m really frustrated. Mommy. I could use your help. Mommy, will you hold the jumper up? Mommy, will you help me master this skill? I’m just so frustrated when you can talk to me and let me know how it can help you.

(24m 31s):
I’m happy to help. And when you’re making all that noise, it’s not good for my body to be around it. So I’m going to be, I’m not going to be up for that anymore. And it’s not good for daddy either. You know, all that loud noise. It’s a lot for other people to take. So when you can talk to us and we can know how we can help, we’re happy to help, but we’re not, we’re not going to be sticking around for all that loud screaming and carrying on, Okay, we’re going to try that next time. If you’re the kid that’s struggling and you know that what you’re currently doing, isn’t working maybe from reading books, you’ve been listening to podcasts like this one, you’ve been attending webinars.

(25m 20s):
You’ve been really looking for resources. Maybe even you’ve started going to different types of therapists and nothing really seems to be helping. I want you to check out our basics bootcamp program. We are enrolling our next small group, July 1st. I don’t know when the next group will be again, probably not for several months. And I want you to be in this group and let us help you. Let us support you. We have a coaching program. That’s like no other out there. It’s like parenting and personal development all under one umbrella. Because the difference with Mastermind Parenting than a lot of other parenting programs, which there’s some great ones out there, they really have some good tips and tricks and tools.

(26m 5s):
Problem is, is that until we really help you to think about your child in a different way and truly understand what’s going on with them and get to the bottom of this, all behaviors is communication. You’re not going to remember to do any of those things. So what Mastermind Parenting does is we help you to think in a different way, think about your child in a different way, and really get to the bottom of what’s going on with them. So I want you to go to Mastermind, Parenting dot com forward slash of basics dash bootcamp. The link will also be in the show notes. I want you to go. I want you to check out the program class start soon. If you are sick of your current reality com I promise you, your life will be different after 12 weeks, not just your life, your kid’s life.

(26m 58s):
And that’s even more important because you have a struggling kid and I want to help you help them. So can’t wait to get to know you. It was like, ask her, what are we supposed to be doing right here? Like, cause I mean, he still sees it as the, like we’re letting her sort of walk all over us or be, you know, whatever. I’m like, no, it’s not what it is. Like, she’s tired, she’s sick. She doesn’t feel well. You know, she’s just having a moment, but he’s like, but I also can’t stand the, you know, the screen. So Yeah, the noise pollution. Yeah. Like it’s not, it’s not good for our ears. It’s not the, for our bodies. And it makes us, it makes us feel, you know, all, all, it brings a lot of chaos to our household.

(27m 46s):
It’s super important for us to have a smooth family. So we’re here to help and that kind of noise pollution. We’re going to be in the other room and you’re welcome to do it in your, in your room and your own space, but it’s really not respectful to be yelling and carrying on and taking over the main areas of the house or, you know, it’s just, it’s not, that’s just not the kind of family we are. Like we have to, we show each other respect. And so, so yeah, you’re disengaging. You’re not doing that. You know, it’s like what we focus on grows. So if we stick around, right, Yeah. I said, when we, when we keep bringing that up, she’s going to keep doing it.

(28m 28s):
So nuggets stuck in there and I pulled it out. Yeah, no, you’re, you’re I mean, just the fact that you’re not losing your mind and you’re not. I mean, I can’t even, it’s huge, huge, because you’re not exacerbating the situation. And now you’re probably, you know, earning back so much trust and credibility with her too. So now when you have these conversations at non-relevant times, like, you know, I used to yell at you and I really try hard not to do it anymore. And when I yelled at you, how did it make you feel in your body? When I was yelling, yelling, or even if me and daddy were to yell at each other, how do you feel?

(29m 12s):
It’s like, it’s too much. It causes a lot of chaos. And it’s just, that’s just not the kind of family we want to be. So we’re not doing that anymore. And if you can’t get it together or you come and you, and this is the real rules and you come and you follow us around with all that yelling behavior, just know there will be no more talking. We will be quickly getting you ready for bed. And you will be going to bed early because it means your body is so overloaded. There’s nothing that’s going to help you to feel better, more than sleep. So we’ll just be getting you to bed ASAP. And that’s what we’re going to be doing. So show me when you’re feeling so frustrated, like you were about the jump rope, what can you do to calm yourself down?

(29m 56s):
How can you let me know it? Lindsay said, Lisa keeps showing up. I’ve noticed that from the get-go you have, I mean, Trying, You really are, you really are. I mean, I just want to pause for the applause for you, with she’s screaming and screaming and screaming, and you literally started this off with, I don’t even wear your phones because I’m so noise sensitive. And then you have this child that when she’s having dysregulated moments, which it sounds like the way she’s wired, there’s kind of a aunt, she’s five. She lives in her emotional brain. Of course, she’s going to have a lot of dysregulate. She’s highly sensitive.

(30m 37s):
You know, you read the highly sensitive child, you know this. So she is prone to a lot of dysregulation and all of this noise. You’re still keeping your cool, like that’s some Zen mastering shit right there. I just have to say, Yeah, that has been like, I mean, transformational the truly, just to recognize that about myself and I am trying to give myself applause for that stuff, but it has been very difficult. And I don’t know, it feels almost like a mid life crisis as you dig through all this stuff and you know, Randy’s over here, like, Hey, look at this string.

(31m 18s):
And so I start on this string and I’m like, oh my God, what is this? Like, I have a lot of self-doubt has come up a lot of re thinking the way that I think about things and what I believe is true and not true and how much I beat myself up about stuff. And like, nothing is ever good enough. And I mean, I’m just a mess, man. Like trying to pull it all together. But I feel like at least like baby steps, you know, starting to, to be a calm presence for Lily. And at the end of the day, you know, for good or for bad, I am the pack leader of this family. Like my husband is a V you know, my husband’s on the spectrum and he’s a very reserved, like, doesn’t talk a lot.

(32m 2s):
Like he’s there for me when I need it. And he’s a backup, but, and part of this, I don’t know if it’s my own, like, I created a situation where I have control over everything and I was doing everything and trying to be this stupid martyr or whatever. I don’t know. And just like, why am I doing this? Like, why am I not reaching out to him for more help? Why am I not? Like, we’re a team here, this is a family. And I’m trying to take on all these things. And I don’t even, I don’t know. Well, it sounds like he wants to help, like, yeah, right. Like he wants to help. And especially since he is on the spectrum, people on the spectrum are very literal.

(32m 43s):
So quite often, right. We’re waiting for them to take initiative. And they’re like, just tell why wouldn’t you just tell me what to do. Yeah. Yeah. And that’s huge to where, you know, I’ve just been communicating with him more and realizing how much I do need him. You know what I mean? I guess I always felt like, yeah, he needs me, but maybe I don’t need him, but not in a callous way that, that sounds. But at the end of the day, we do work better because he can be a very calm presence. And, and she is literally his little clone, you know what I mean? So who better to communicate with her than him because he knows exactly how she thinks, you know what I mean? And you know, she probably will be just as literal as he is.

(33m 25s):
And I have to learn how to communicate with her that way too. And not just expect her to know what I’m feeling or whatever, or, you know, read certain cues that I think I’m sending out there that, that people don’t read. You know what I mean? Well, you’re just the right mom for her and she’s just the right child for you. And you will be the perfect compliment. You are the perfect compliment for her. That’s why you chose your husband. That’s why he chose you. Right? Yeah. Yeah. And, and, and this whole, the self discovery process. Yeah. This is the messy middle part.

(34m 5s):
You know, this is the part where things like this live report card are so important because this is the part where it’s not shiny and new, like boot camp. We’re, let’s go right. And you’re changing, you know, oh, the sleep thing. And you’re giving me all these tips and tools and I’m learning all these new things. I never thought of it this way. And it’s all exciting. This is the part where you’re integrating the pieces that you’ve learned and you’re finding the holes of wait, there’s wait. Okay. So I’m missing something here. I need to ask, you know, It’s part of the learning process.

(34m 45s):
I mean, you know, and I think when you’ve been the best student and, you know, achieved all the high degrees and, and been kind of a perfectionist and all of those things, it’s like, yeah. When you’re a beginner at something new, when you’re learning new things, it’s like what? I always tell my kids when they are playing a new sport or the worst one on the team. And I’m like, the real courage comes from being willing to be a beginner, because the only way you ever get better at anything in mastery is repetition and practice and repetition and practice and the repetition and practice.

(35m 25s):
What it really looks like is, okay, I’m not yelling at her, but what do I do to get this screaming to stop? Right? Like this not perfect. Yeah. I’m missing the piece. Oh, the disengage. What does that disengage actually look like? Oh, like walk away. I could let her know. I’m not sticking around for all this noise pollution. It’s not working for me hurting my ears. Ouch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I’m definitely trying that. And it’s so like, it seems so obvious, but I don’t know, like in the moment it’s just, It’s not, again, it’s not Filling out her, so No, it’s such progress that you’re not yelling at her.

(36m 5s):
And yes, everything I teach is like the dove factor. Right. And since none of us were conditioned this way, it is not what comes online for us when we are in a triggered moment. And we’re in our emotional brains and we’re feeling dysregulated of course, because we’re human. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you’re doing like all the awareness you’re having, being like, I’m kind of a mess, like even just saying, I’m kind of a mess means you’re so not a mess. You’re not, you’re not a mess because you’re like, wait, it’s kind of like you, you’re like, oh my gosh, the older I get, the more I realize the less I know the more I realize.

(36m 48s):
Right. And when we’re young, we’re like, I know everything. I was like, I see it. You know, like my 16 year old son who, you know, has been always just my easiest child to parent and he’s 16 now. And you know, and it’s like high school and I’m trying, you know, to give him some tips and tools and working on time management. And he’s like, yeah, I’m not doing that. He’s like, my teacher gave me a blah, blah, blah. And she told me that, you know, it was an excellent paper, but I don’t know how she thinks that a B minus is excellent. And I was like, well, that’s why you would make an appointment, go in advocate for yourself. He’s like, yeah, I’m not doing that.

(37m 30s):
That is, he’s like, she already gave me the grade. And I was like, well, the difference between kids that get A’s and the kids that get these probably has more to do with the kids that get, A’s know how to go in and advocate for themselves. And he’s like, that’s not how it works. The greatest, the great, okay. Like I know with things about communication. I know a thing about people. I know, I think about teachers, I train them for many years. He’s like, yeah, thanks mom. I got it. Right. So when we’re, when we’re young, we know everything. And when we get older, we’re like, we so don’t know everything. And that’s a good thing. Yeah, for sure. But what is it? The Dunning Kruger effect or whatever.

(38m 11s):
Tell me what is that? I don’t know. Well, It’s one of those, like when you know a little bit and you think, you know, everything, and then the more you learn, you’re like, oh crap. I really don’t know anything. Like, there’s so much more that I don’t know. And that’s, I feel like I just fell right off the cliff or before I was like, you know, now I’m like, oh my God, You know what, anyway that you are good mom, anyone that shows up with me doing this work, we’ll be watching Netflix. Right. You could be watching Netflix and here you are showing up with me. I promise you. That means you’re a good mom. You’re a good mom. And do you have, are you having a little bit of fun in the process of learning this?

(38m 53s):
It has been unbelievable. Like our relationship, like I, of course I always love her. Like, she’s my daughter, but there are times when I’m like, God, I really don’t like you, you know, like your, what is happening. Like, you know, and, and even in my worst moments was what is wrong with you? You know, really, you know, one of those ugly moments, and now I’m so much better. Like I enjoy her company. And like, even when she’s throwing a fit, I kind of chuckled a little bit about it now. Cause I’m like, they’re losing her little mind over there, you know? And, and it’s, it’s so much less because I’m not reacting the way I used to and, and all that.

(39m 34s):
And so we’re actually, you know, I used to dread long holidays where I’d have her every day for the whole day. And we had talked before about how I was letting her monopolize so much of my time. And so I’ve started drawing boundaries with her and she has to go and play by herself at certain times. And she’s respecting that and not like always on my heels. And it’s, it’s, I mean, transformational truly like actually enjoy spending time with her now. And we, you know, I feel like she is learning how to communicate better. And then in moments, when she is calm, she’ll throw back some of the lessons that I’ve been teaching her at me, you know, or if she can tell when I’m losing it, even if I’m not like, like if I just kind of get like silent a little, because I’m stressed as I’m driving or something and she’ll be like, mommy, are you okay?

(40m 27s):
You know, like she’s recognized when I’m having a moment and she’ll like, tell me to take a breath and you know, so it’s, it’s, I can tell she’s learning from it too. And so it’s, it’s been really great. Truly Good. Okay. So, so, okay. I I’ve identified something the next right thing that I want you to work on before I say it. You tell me what you think the next right thing is that you want to work on. Well, for me, it’s a lot about working on myself. I’m trying to figure out, so I haven’t gotten to the Fest part yet, but I’ve been doing the, I’ve been just doing the kind of the brain dump on the manager, because I do get a lot of those thoughts that just pop in really quickly and they’re negative.

(41m 19s):
And I don’t stop long enough to evaluate them and see like, where are they coming from? Why am I thinking this? You know? And you know, I’ve been dealing a lot with a lot of anxiety and stress and, and feeling sort of workload of some. And so I’m trying to figure out like, where is all stemming? What am I Seeing in my life or, Okay, I’m going to give you two. I’m going to give you our action plan, two things. Number one, I want you to practice disengaging and walking away, having conversation with her to non-relevant time to let her know that you and daddy are not sticking around for the noise pollution anymore. And y’all will be over here. You’re happy to help her when you can understand her.

(41m 60s):
And she can talk to you and a voice that you can hear, but screaming behavior where we’re not up for it. Okay. So the disengaging and we’re going to have that conversation. And then I want you to practice and get your husband on board, let them know the plan and let’s do that. And let’s really talk to her also because we need to let her know, instead of screaming at the top of your lungs and freaking out, when you’re frustrated, like nobody’s sticking around. If you want people to be able to help you and you want to be able to help yourself, that’s when you’re taking those breasts. That’s when you’re rubbing your hands together and noticing your palms, noticing how it feels, calming your body down.

(42m 42s):
So the breathing, you may want to just go over and wash your hands, just feel the cool water going over your hand. See, so we’re teaching her mindfulness tactics when she’s feeling dysregulated, the breath, the noticing the note, you know, one of my niece, I remember when she was four or five and she was having a meltdown. And afterwards, when we kind of talked, it talked about it. I said, what helped you calm down? She said my breath. And then she had gone over to my dog and she goes, and then I was petting Stella. She goes, and that helped me a lot. And I said, oh, what about it? She goes, well, I was feeling her for, and it was just so soft on my hand.

(43m 23s):
And I just kept petting or feeling her for petting her and feeling her for, I mean, that is freaking mindfulness, like tangible mindfulness, which reregulate the nervous system, which is so it’s so cool. You know? So I want you to really talk about these skills, practice, these skills disengage and walk away. Okay. So that we can disrupt this pattern, this noise pollution pattern that she’s using to ultimately cause you guys to react. And then she gets to cry and have that somatic release. Like we want to disrupt that. We want it to be that she can calm down without necessarily having to get to the tears place.

(44m 7s):
Right? Yeah. Yeah. And the other thing I want you to do, because I love that you’re ready. You’re hitting the programs. You’re doing the brain dumping. You’re using your daily mind manager. I mean, I have mine by me, like all the time, because I, this is my practice. This is my practice for managing my mind. So keep doing that. And I want you to put the Thursday calls on your calendar and come to them. I also want to invite you, even though you haven’t, as soon as you start going through the mind mastery, the fast program, we do these monthly thrive calls that are kind of these special advanced calls.

(44m 48s):
We have one today. I want you, as soon as you don’t have to complete that program, I want you to start coming to those three calls. And I want you to start coming to the Thursday calls, put it on your calendar, come to Thursday calls, raise your hand for coaching. Even just being there, because what I do is all, I’ll take you through it. You know, all coach, you all find the sentence, I’ll help you. And I’ll, I’ll be able to kind of model what it looks like. And you don’t have to do all this by yourself. Like I, I also tend to be a lone Wolf in a lot of things, and I’ve done a lot of programs and I’ve done a lot of things on my own.

(45m 30s):
And what I am learning currently in my life is that even really smart, capable bad-ass women like us deserve support. So come and let me support you. And I mean, the people who raised their hand for coaching, they get the biggest results and everyone ends up thanking them. And it’s so generous. And so that’s what I want you to focus on. Want you to focus on coming, asking for support, allowing me to support you and the disengagement. Okay. Will do. Okay. I’m excited. All right, you’re doing great.

(46m 10s):
Keep doing what you’re doing. Thank you very much. You’re welcome. Okay. Have a great day. Thanks for listening today, guys. I hope you picked up some tips tools, maybe some baby steps for creating more balance and boundaries in your life. And I just wanted to let you know, if you want to continue moving the needle forward in creating this for yourself, having a happier household. I want you to go to my website and check out Mastermind, Parenting dot com. We have three beginning programs, and if you need some accountability and more support, then please look for the one that would be a good fit for you.

(46m 51s):
And as always, we’re on all the social channels under Mastermind Parenting on Instagram, it’s mastermind, underscore parenting, and you know, periodically I do pop up on different Instagram lives, Facebook lives, where I give you teaching and coaching. And I love engaging with you live to help you help your strong-willed kids so that they can feel better because when they feel better, they do better. And I love, love, love, getting to know you guys. So thanks for listening. If you liked this podcast, please don’t forget to subscribe, rate and review super, super appreciative.

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Creating A Happier Household

by Randi Rubenstein