I just celebrated my daughter’s 21st birthday. We’re out in San Diego because she is doing some internships here and we decided to relocate to California for a while. So I’ve been working from here. And I have been with my daughter a lot lately. She goes to school in Santa Barbara and we went back to Santa Barbara last weekend to celebrate her birthday and have a whole special weekend. We had a lot of time on the road together, and over the weekend we were processing what is happening in our country right now.
It was interesting to be around her, and she’s also moving into a house in Santa Barbara with several other young, smart women. There were a bunch of different birthday things that they did for her this weekend, and we all celebrated together.
So, they’re all just beside themselves, understandably with this overturn of Roe v. Wade. I think just so many of us are just in shock and disbelief and grief. And in the coaching world, we’re in what we call the goo, which is anytime we’re going through an identity shift, meaning we’re not who we were before.
I learned to look at this identity shift in terms of comparing the human to the butterfly. When the caterpillar becomes a butterfly, the caterpillar goes into the chrysalis and then eventually it becomes a totally different animal. And when it goes into the chrysalis, it dissolves, and it becomes like caterpillar soup. And then all the cells within that organism restructure and turn into an entirely new organism. And so, the caterpillar becomes a butterfly.
And anytime we go through an identity shift, which is, who I was before is not who I am or who I’m becoming, we all kind of become person soup. We become person “goo” for a while, and this happens all throughout our lives.
So, with this episode I’m unpacking my thoughts and feelings around this transition, and those of others I’ve been talking to, like my daughter, her friends, parents, and others. This is impacting multiple generations. I understand that many of us are grieving, and sometimes anger is a part of the grieving process. But so often I think people just get stuck there. Let’s use the anger to mobilize ourselves. Let’s use the anger to strategize. Let’s use the anger to step out of the privilege that me and many other people have known, which is our bodies, our business.
As always, thanks for listening, and be sure and head over to Facebook and you can join my free group Mastermind Parenting Community, where we post tips and tools and do pop up Live conversations where I do extra teaching and coaching to support you in helping your strong-willed children so that they can FEEL better and DO better. If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it!
About Randi Rubenstein
Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.
She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.
At Mastermind Parenting, we believe every human deserves to have a family that gets along.
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My name is Randi Rubenstein, and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast at Mastermind Parenting, we’re on a mission to support strong-willed kids and the families that love them. You’re listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode 1 92. Well, hi guys, you’ll have to forgive the less than stellar audio quality, but I am traveling and I’m making this podcast for you guys sort of on the fly. I’m wearing my air pods and I’m in California for the summer. And we are so far having a fantastic time.
I just celebrated my daughter’s 21st birthday. We’re out in San Diego because she is doing some internships here and we decided to relocate to California. So I’ve been working from here. And so isn’t it always funny how, even when you’re somewhere beautiful and it’s just like, there’s no place like home. There’s just an adjustment period. Feels like such a first world problem, but I’m like, oh, I don’t have my normal computer set up with my, with my wifi. And you know, that I’m just so used to my microphone and all the things.
So anyway, I’m like, yeah, we’re going to figure it out. We’re going to figure it out. So I was just, you know, with my daughter, we went back, She goes to school in Santa Barbara and we went back to Santa Barbara last weekend to celebrate her birthday and have a whole special weekend. We had a lot of time on the road together and just over the weekend and we just were processing what is happening in our country right now. You know, it was interesting to be around her and she’s, she’s moving into a house in Santa Barbara with there’s, it’s a six person house. So she’ll be living with six other young women and everybody is smart.
And just, just a really cool group of young women that I’ve gotten the privilege to get to know there was a bunch of different birthday things that they did for her this weekend and we all celebrated together. So, you know, they’re all just, you know, beside themselves, understandably with this overturn of Roe V wave. I mean, I, you know, I think just so many of us are just in shock and disbelief and grief And in the coaching world, what we call the goo, which is anytime we’re going through an identity shift, meaning we’re not who we were before.
So like you go through this identity shift. And, and I learned, I learned it in terms of like comparing the human to the butterfly. So like When the caterpillar becomes a butterfly, the caterpillar goes into the Chrysalis and then eventually it comes out a totally different animal. And when it goes into the Chrysalis, you might think that it was it’s going to dissolve. And you might think that it’s actually just going to grow wings and transform itself, but really what the caterpillar does is it dissolves, it dissolves. And it becomes like caterpillar soup.
And then all the cells within that organism restructure and turn into an entirely new organism. And so the caterpillar becomes a butterfly and this is not something I came up with. This is something I learned and I’ve heard many people refer to this whole metamorphosis as the caterpillar becoming a butterfly. And anytime we go through an identity shift, which is who I was before is not who I am or who I’m becoming. So like when you go from being a single person to a married person, right? Like I remember it was so hard for me to change my name.
It just was like, I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know who I was. So when we go through these identity shifts, we all kind of become person soup. We become person Google for awhile. And this happens all throughout our lives. So like, it’s why transitions are so hard for kids. Like even when kids start a new grade or kids go from the school year into the summer, it’s like all of a sudden, like I’m not a second grader anymore. Now I’m a third grader. And you might notice that they have some behaviors that you’re like, what is going on?
I had a bunch of moms say to me around April or may like who else’s kids are just acting out you, I don’t know what’s going on. And I’m like, well, summer’s coming, the year’s wrapping up. They sense something is shifting and changing. And even though something better is about to come, which is, I don’t know any kid that doesn’t look forward to summertime, it’s still a shift and a change. And who I was before is not who I am now or who I’m becoming. So this is what’s happening right now. Like for many of us who have only had the privilege of knowing, you know, having rights to have an abortion, should we choose to now all of a sudden we live in a country where that right has been taken away.
And many of us are feeling just like, okay, what is this becoming the Handmaid’s tale? Like, like what, what is this new reality and who we have been is not who we are anymore. Right? Many of us me included, you know, I grew up where my, my four mothers had just fought the good fight. And so I was a child of the seventies and eighties, and I was a child of privilege. I was a female of privilege in many ways where I just took things for granted.
So there’s a little bit of guilt and shame, I think, where I’m like, you know, it’s like we blinked. We, we took it for granted and now look what has happened. And it’s interesting to listen to the young women, talk about it because they’re angry, they’re real angry. And it’s also interesting to see all of the anger on social media, just there’s so much anger. And I understand that anger quite often mobilizes people. And I think that anger is a part of the grieving.
I mean, it is a part of the grieving process. And so many of us, we go through anger when our identities are shifting and rights have been taken away. And all of a sudden our bodies are not Our Business anymore. And if you disagree with me, you know, it’s, it’s, it’s interesting. I, I was talking to my daughter because her group of friends that she goes to school with this shouldn’t be living with next year. It’s really a diverse group and everybody has different backgrounds, different cultures. And it’s really cool to kind of see, especially for my daughter who grew up in very much kind of an insular situation where she went to school with kids who were all mostly not all, but mostly the same religion, just there was not a lot of diversity, even though we live in Houston, Texas, the most diverse city, I think in America, she was really kind of in a bubble.
So now she’s in college and she’s made this amazing diverse group of friends and her closest friend grew up evangelical Christian. And I asked Deborah, I said, what’s her stance? You know? And she said, well, her stance is she’s. She grew up very religious. So even though she wouldn’t choose to have an abortion, and she also chooses to wait to have sex until marriage Avery said, she’s normal. And she recognizes that everybody’s body is their own business. And I’ll say, isn’t that interesting? You know, it’s like, I’ve, I’ve heard it described as there’s three kinds of business.
There’s your business, there’s Our Business. And then there’s whatever higher power you believe in God, the universe all out or NY, Jesus, whatever it is. And cert insert your thing there. And there’s that business. And so if there’s like something tragic happens like a tragic car accident, that’s like something beyond use business. Like you can’t even make sense of it. It’s just like, you can be in pain and you can be in grief and you can be sad and you can feel the feelings. But quite often, like when we go into the blame and the shame and the anger and the, you know, all that, it’s like, Hey, that really serves no one, like, can we just feel sad?
I have a good story about my son, my youngest son, our dog tragically died like two years ago. She ended up, she was 15 and she ended up having a seizure and she fell in our pool and she drowned and it was terrible. It was awful. And my youngest son, Corey found founder, I think, where he was maybe like 13 at the time, 13 or 14 at the time. And it was terrible. And we were all together that night, just crying and crying and so sad. And my husband who grew up very much, like many of us did where there’s, you know, when you’re angry or when something bad happens, you go directly into blame mode.
And, and so he’s like, oh, it’s all my fault. I think I left. I left the back door open and my youngest son, Corey, who’s only grown up with Mastermind. He said, he’s my only kid that like, has been a hundred percent raised with the mastermind methodology because I was developing it. I’ve been developing it for the last 24 years. And, but is only know masterminding. Corey looked at my husband and he said, why don’t we have to blame anyone dead? Can’t we just feel sad. Like, why can’t we just feel the sadness like, feel the feelings? And I was like, it was so profound to me. Cause I was like, yeah, I can’t. We just feel sad. Why do we have to go into blame and anger?
It’s just, you know, I understand that sometimes anger is a part of the grieving process, But so often I think people just get stuck there and let’s use the anger to mobilize ourselves. Let’s use the anger to strategize. Let’s S use the anger to step out of the privilege that me and many other people have known, which is our bodies, Our Business. And let’s be the bad-ass strong women. This is a multi-generational movement. And all the male allies out there who understand that a woman’s body is her business.
And so every was telling me that her roommate, even though her roommate is a person based on her faith who wouldn’t ever have an abortion, she is still pro-choice. And, and she just understands that it’s she has no right to tell another woman what she should or shouldn’t do with her own body. And I was thinking so beautiful, like that’s what we have to do as women. And, and all of our male allies have to do as well as like, we have to stop, stop directing our anger at each other because what we focus on grows.
And if we want to get back to a place of true freedom, right? Freedom, independence, like my body is my business and the government doesn’t have any right to tell me what I should do or what any woman should do with her body. We gotta be in together. We’re so much stronger together. And so I was just like scrolling through social media and I was reading articles and just seeing what people had to say and, and seeing, you know, it’s interesting when people say, put posts out and then I love reading the comments, what other people say.
And every once in a while I’ll comment. So I read this article by scary mommy. That was just out, which you know, I just thought I was a bit tone, deaf and B. And I really liked a lot of the articles I read under scary mommy, it’s called scary mommy.com. But number one, it was a little tone, deaf, and number two was also a good representative. I thought it was a good representation of how we’re so often going against each other, as women, instead of focusing on what really matters. And this particular article was called, no, you’re not a single mom. If you’re married. And it was this whole article about this woman who is divorced and working several jobs and raising her kids and doing all the things and her husband left her and she didn’t ask for the divorce.
And yet now she finds herself divorced and a single mom and doing all the things herself. And she said, you know, when you’re a stay at home mom, or even if you’re not a stay at home, mom, if you are married, you have another adult in the house, some of the time. And so therefore you’re not a single mom, even if you’re doing most of the things, you’re not a single mom. So stop calling yourself a single mom, because you don’t understand how hard it truly is to be a single mom. Her points were actually valid. And I just feel like this is so unnecessary, especially right now when we women need to have each other’s backs. And so I did comment and I said, I said, another post women hating on other women.
We have to stop this nonsense. The women raising the little humans are all working hard and the victim competitiveness is total effing BS. What about supporting each other to find our voices, learn how to have boundaries and holding the deadbeat dads accountable. Any dad that’s not involved in raising his kids is a product of male privilege and toxic masculinity. Why don’t we focus on that topic instead of tearing each other down? Thanks for joining me on the Mastermind Parenting podcast. Remember you can join our email list at Mastermind, Parenting dot com for more tips and tricks on how to have a peaceful household.
You know, this type of male privilege and toxic masculinity, which has, unfortunately, we’re experiencing the ripple effects after having, you know, someone terrible in office who is a sexual assault offender. And we voted him the highest, you know, the highest post in our country. And he is a sexual predator. I don’t normally bring politics into this. However, I’m feeling like we need to speak up. We need to speak up because so many of us, you know, you, maybe you live with someone or you were raised, which I was with someone who is a product of toxic masculinity and who has Gaslight you and tried to, you know, conditioned you with the message that good women stay quiet or good women don’t cause drama don’t make waves, just like, you know, put your head down.
And, and w w you know, why are you being so dramatic? But when the government starts to tell us what we can do with our bodies, it’s pretty tremendous. And we are the women, we are the ones doing the majority of the child raising. We are conditioning, the little humans, right? So banning together, finding our voices, you know, it’s, it’s so interesting. I’m I was reading on the internet in one of the parent groups where people come on and they ask for tips and other parents, it’s not, you know, it’s not a group facilitated by like, you know, by, by an authority.
It’s just like a bunch of moms. And some dads basically saying like my kids being difficult, who has ideas for this, and who has ideas for that? And I like to read these posts sometimes because I just like to see kind of what people are struggling with and just to kind of just keep to stay in the trenches. You know, it makes me just really realize, you know, how stressful life is for so many people, especially in a different stage of life. I think it helps me just to feel empathetic and not to lose perspective. And in this one group, you guys, there’s this woman, her name is Vicki. And like every single day she has these posts and these posts, or, you know, I’ll read you a couple of the posts.
Do anyone else’s kids go hyper in the evenings, running and running. I’m currently trying to get to the bottom of what’s going on. You know, please give me ideas. Anyone have any outside the box ideas for consequences for an eight and four year olds for behavior. And then another one it’s very clear, by the way, my children speak to me that they don’t respect me. Anyone else’s child almost constantly talk to people using a rude tone of voice is the best approach to just ignore it. No consequences work with my child. So I’m not sure what else to try. I’m just really sick of the rude and disrespectful way. He speaks to me and other family members.
I guarantee you that’s being modeled by someone else in the family. Eight and four year olds. Don’t just come up with that on their own. Why is every aspect of parenting still a struggle or a battle even after eight years? When does it become enjoyable and the best thing I’ve ever done? Like I constantly hear from other people, obviously I adore my children. I’m just sick of talking to myself, being ignored, disrespected, everything, being available, no consequences, working, getting kicked, hit, and being called names. When I attempt to enforce a limit, no professionals being interested in helping us, having everything blamed on my parenting abilities. These years are so short. When do I get to enjoy it? Here’s another one. Clearly I feel that teaching my eight year old to respect other people’s personal boundaries, when he was younger, I thought I had, I mean, it’s something we’ve always talked about.
He’s never been good at stopping when the other person tells them to stop. So here’s a little boy. Who’s not learning what consent culture really is all about. So he’s invading other people’s space. And here’s a mom who, by all of her posts, she over and over and over again. All I hear is her having no clue, how to have boundaries, how to make sure her voice is heard, how to step into feminine strength and what I call pack leadership, understanding how to assertively communicate. And it really isn’t her fault because in our culture, many women grew up in households where, and you know, around coaches and other authority figures where the dudes were running the show.
And we were taught to not make waves, not be too dramatic, not sound so bitchy. Ooh, what’s up your ass, right? If you say anything too clearly or too directly, you’re going to get a little berated. And so we’re conditioned to not know how to be leaders work condition. Hey, bud. It’s time to go get a bath. Okay. We’re conditioned to try and sound like camp counselor, mommy. When the truth is little kids are super literal. And when we don’t know how to clearly and assertively, let them know what our expectations are and what’s okay with us and what’s not okay with us because we haven’t been raised to know that we’re allowed to have a say with what’s okay with us and what’s not okay with us.
Then we end up like Vicky and we’re just struggling. And her household is clearly out of control. She posts like every day and you wouldn’t believe all the people, you know, many people responding back with all kinds of good tips and ideas. I’ve tried. I’ve tried to go into Vicky’s mindset. Like when did you first get the message that you’re powerless? Because that’s essentially the dynamic that she has unfortunately created because she doesn’t. I mean, I don’t, I, you know, I felt terrible for Vicky. I want to scoop her up. But every single person that comes in with ideas or, you know, tells her, you know, some resources that she, you know, all she can say is, is that we’re on all these professional waiting lists.
I have to work. So I can’t do this. Like, she’s an excuse for everything because it’s very hard to take action and change patterns. And the key knows what she knows. I think she’s probably felt like a victim without her, without a real voice. And without self-worth to want what she wants and communicate it to let people know what’s okay with her. What’s not okay with her, what her boundaries are. I think she has no clue how to do that. As many women. Don’t, that’s what I do for the most part. That’s what I do with every woman I can get my hands on is you’re the one raising the little people and it’s time to retrain your brain and to recondition yourself with the leadership skills that are going to bring peace to your household that are going to help your kids feel safe in the world.
And this is not your fault. This is part of the culture we live in. And now we’re seeing our laws being changed to reflect that women don’t don’t have agency over their bodies, right? So who are you who are to have boundaries? Who are you to speak clearly, indirectly, who are you to step into true leadership? So this is a big conversation, but as we celebrate independence and freedom, I think this warrants a serious conversation and we have to band together.
We have to stop directing all of this energy towards who’s. Who’s thought at the worst as a mom, as a single mom or the mom who has an absentee husband, like who fucking cares really? How can we help each other? How can we help each other? Because I guarantee you, whether you’re a single mom, whether you’re a mom who has a deadbeat dad for a husband that you’re still married to, when you learn how to find your voice and have boundaries and speak up for yourself and notice what’s okay with you.
What’s not okay with you. When you are able to receive practice and training on how to step into that leadership, your whole, your whole world shifts, everything changes. And this is how we end up finding our strength, finding our power, banning together and changing things. Our bodies, our business, we deserve more. We deserve more. Our kids deserve more. We all do. And I am just beside myself right now. I’m in the goose stage.
I’m not, I don’t, I don’t know what more to do than to leave a message for you guys who listened to the podcast and hope that I plant some seeds. Maybe I ruffle some feathers. That’s okay. I get it. Look, when you were raised with very different messaging, then some of this can, can be jarring. It may be difficult to think about these things. These are serious topics, but our foremothers fought hard for us. And we have to continue that mission. We just do.
We owe it to ourselves. We owe it to them. We owe it to pass and future generations. So that’s what I got for you guys today. I know it’s a heavy topic, but for all the Vicki’s out there, you feel like there’s some waiting lists waiting for professional. Just trying to find just the right professional to help you figure out the magical secret sauce or pill to give to your kid, to make them easier or more manageable. That’s not the true remedy. The true rent remedy is finding your voice, stepping into your strength, finding your sisters and putting your bandwidth on the things that matter the most, rather than just stepping into anger or tearing other people down.
Let’s do let’s, let’s fight this fight as only women know how we are not the products of toxic masculinity. We get to band together in female strength, which looks totally different, which looks tough. It involves understanding. It involves being so smart and, and studying your opponents to such a degree that you master empathy and you see their perspective, but just because you master empathy. And just because you become a Supreme negotiator who teaches empathy for the best negotiating tactics out there, this guy named Chris FOSS who wrote this book called never split the difference.
And he was the top FBI hostage negotiator. He basically teaches the exact same tools I teach for my productive conversation. These are high level skills. So when we learn how to master empathy and, and communicate with other people, by seeing their perspective, rather than trying to talk them into seeing our perspectives, that’s when we’re banning together in strength. So I hope, I hope I hope I have, I don’t know, seated something here. If you are a woman who doesn’t have boundaries or feels walked all over, or doesn’t know how to find your voice, or, you know, truly take control of your life.
I hope that I’ve sprinkled something here that gives you some hope. And please, please, please know that, you know, all you have to do is raise your hand and I will scoop you up and help you and give you everything I got. That’s what I’ve got for you. Have a great week. Thanks for listening today, guys. I hope you picked up some tips tools, maybe some baby steps for creating more balance and boundaries in your life. And I just wanted to let you know, if you want to continue moving the needle forward in creating this for yourself, having a happier household. I want you to go to my website and check out Mastermind, Parenting dot com.
We have three beginning programs, and if you need some accountability and more support, then please look for the one that would be a good fit for you. And as always, we’re on all the social channels under Mastermind Parenting on Instagram, it’s mastermind, underscore parenting, and you know, periodically I do pop up on different Instagram lives, Facebook lives, where I give you teaching and coaching. And I love engaging with you live to help you help your strong-willed kids so that they can feel better because when they feel better, they do better.
And I love, love, love, getting to know you guys. So thanks for listening. If you liked this podcast, please don’t forget to subscribe, rate and review super, super appreciative.