199: The Kid Just Won’t… – Back-to-School Series

(1s):
My name is Randi Rubenstein, and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast at Mastermind Parenting, we’re on a mission to support strong-willed kids and the families that love them. You’re listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode 1 99. Well, hi guys. Welcome to this week. We are still going to be continuing with our theme of bullying boundaries and back to school. So this week The title is The Kid Just Won and I’m going to continue reading some posts, some social posts from our favorite favorite Marie Marie Marie Marie tips for a strong-willed four year old who won’t choose or cooperate, please.

(54s):
This was her post FYI. He’s picking his own outfit out for the next day before he goes to bed the night before. Okay. So she’s, she’s already giving that caveat because she knows there’s going to be a lot of well-meaning people telling her. Well, you’ve got to make sure he picks the stuff out the night before and doing all the prep. So she wants you to know that she is that mom. It isn’t just behind the eight ball. She’s making sure that he picks his outfit out the night before, and yet he’s still choosing not to cooperate. Okay? She says every all caps, every single morning, he just refuses all caps to wear the clothes he has picked out.

(1m 38s):
The shirt is wrong. The pants are too buttony or have soft stuff inside or whatever. He chose them. And he has won them numerous times before then see, so she’s already like, Hey, you sensory people. I’m onto you. Like, no, that’s not the problem. Then any other item of clothing I suggest is also wrong. And we have a massive battle with him refusing to get dressed. I work so I can’t spend all morning fighting over clothes. Like as if, if you didn’t work outside the home, you could, you would want to spend all morning fighting over clothes. I’m not sure what that means. Help, please.

(2m 19s):
She really doesn’t want help. Just so y’all know. Okay. So she just wants other people really. She doesn’t know she wants this, but what she really wants is other people to say, yeah, my kid won’t cooperate either. You’re not all alone there. It’s not because you’re doing anything wrong. This is not your fault. Really. That’s just all she wants. This was her response to somebody’s well-intentioned comments. She says, should I learn another language? Will they listen? Then currently yelling over the top of my four-year-old, who won’t stop yelling to tell him it’s bath time. And I might as well be talking to myself. So I guess there’s no bath time tonight because he’s completely ignoring me. I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong.

(2m 59s):
Well, obviously when he’s not held accountable and given a bath time, right. When it works, he doesn’t want to stop what he’s doing and get in the bath. And so when he continues to ignore, eventually she caves and gets tired. So it works. So why would he, why would he get with the program, right? Yes. And she’s right. Learning to speak. Another language would still not help her with the fact that she’s not following through and holding him accountable and making sure he has a bath. And for those of you who are like, but how do you force them?

(3m 39s):
Would you force them? How do you force him to take a bath? Okay. If you, if you’re asking yourself that, I just want y’all to know that like that’s sort of a sign that you feel powerless, right? No. And, and, and I’m just going to tell you the answer. No, this is a rule bathtime happens at this time. If that time isn’t happen, then you’re going to go straight to bed and we’re not going to do all the other things. You need to clean your body and you’re going to go straight to bed and you’re going to take a bath first thing in the morning. And then if the next morning they choose not to, if you’re like, well, they won’t go straight to bed.

(4m 26s):
No, you have a rule when it’s bedtime, it’s lights out. And if you get out of your bed, you just get returned and there’s no more talking. You just get returned and return and return. And when you haven’t been following through, just so y’all know. Yeah, it’ll be terrible. Absolutely terrible. It’ll be 50 times that you’re returning them to the bed and returning them to the bed and returning them to bed and returning them to the bed. And the next morning, first thing, they wake up, they come in, you snuggle, you hug, you kiss, and you say, okay, you got to go jump in the bath, got to get your body cleaned member last night, last night, you chose not to take bathroom members.

(5m 8s):
First thing this morning, they refuse to get in the bath. Then you just, you just let them know. Okay. And when you’re on the way to school, you say, so you chose not to get in the bath. So right after school, we’ll be taking a bath. It’s not an option to not clean your body. So we getting straight in the bass after school, we’re not arguing about it. I’m not having any more discussion about it. And that’s what happens. Eventually. Eventually, when your child does finally take the bath, then you celebrate the fact that they just talk about, you were like, look at you, you got your body all clean.

(5m 56s):
And the rule is we take a bath after dinner every night before we have books and snuggles and all the things. And when you don’t take a bath right after dinner tonight, you’re you just had a bath after school. So tonight your bath will just be play. We’ll just be all kinds of, it’ll be whatever you want to play. And the rule is that time happens right after dinner, bath time doesn’t happen. Then the books and all those things don’t happen. Either. You just go straight to bed. It’s not an option not to wash the day off of you.

(6m 37s):
I really am a big proponent of daily baths. I think it’s a great part of your evening ritual to wind down from the day. You know, think about, think about the womb it’s liquidy. It’s warm. The bath, simulates an activity that will calm. The nervous system down to bath should be a fun activity. The bath should involve. You know, you can have some music in there, toys in there. They wash them. They play. I’m a big proponent of very consistent evening rituals. The bath books, bed, bath books, bed, bath books, bed Hey, podcast listeners.

(7m 28s):
I’m super excited to tell you about something new that I’m doing called the weekend warmup. It’s going to be on the third, Friday of every month. And I’m going to coach you live. I created this because I know a lot of you guys feel like you know me, but I want to know you too. So you’re going to come. You’re going to get on zoom with me. I’m going to coach you. And we’re going to get you warmed up for your weekend. What do I mean by that? We’re going to hike, gather parent our weekends together. If you don’t know what hung gathered, parent I’ve turned it into a verb, just so y’all know, hung out. Their parent is a book that came out not long ago. I’ve had the author on the podcast. I make it required reading for anyone that comes and works with me.

(8m 13s):
And it’s just about the fact that many of us, especially those of us who come and listen to things like this. Our weekends are just filled with too many kid activities. And there’s no adult time. You know, maybe you’re going from birthday parties to just nonstop, nonstop, fun, nonstop memories. And you’re finding yourself depleted and exhausted. Maybe even more so on Sunday night than you were on Friday. And it’s just not supposed to be that way. So we’re going to hunt, gather parent our weekends together. I’m going to coach you live. I’m so excited to meet you guys. And I want you to sign up. It’s free. I’m offering it for free. So just go to Mastermind, Parenting dot com forward slash weekend Mastermind, Parenting dot com for slash weekend.

(8m 58s):
Sign up, sign up. Okay. Another post from the old Marie, she says any tips on helping an almost eight year old, his immediate default reaction to an argument or a disagreement with his brother is to hit him. I’m not sure what to do because it happens immediately. And I can’t always deflect in time. I’ve tried asking him to take a breath before he reacts, but he won’t. He can’t, I’m not sure which, and now of course his brother who’s four has copied him. So four year old now thinks the best way to solve a problem is by hitting the eight year old.

(9m 38s):
Doesn’t do it at school. However, the four year old has done it at daycare. Okay? So, so here’s the thing. The kids that just won’t right. He just won’t stop hitting. And yet they are all, he knows he doesn’t do it at school, but at home he just, won’t not hit his brother. When he’s frustrated, he just won’t take a deep breath and calm his body down. Right.

(10m 18s):
Murray’s constantly scratching her head saying, how do I get them to do all these things I’ve been reading about? Right. So what we’re really doing here is we’re digging into why they just won’t like, right. Like why they just won’t why they just won’t wear the clothes that they picked out. Why they just won’t get in the bath. Why they just won’t stop hitting. Okay. Why? Why? Well, eventually if mom says, well, bath time doesn’t happen.

(11m 4s):
Well, he hits and he’s continuing to take his frustration and dysregulation and his body out on other people. And I’m not holding him accountable. Like I’m not holding him. I’m not holding the four-year-old accountable by consistently making sure he takes that bath every single day at the same time. And when he doesn’t, when he chooses not to, then he takes it the next morning. And if he chooses not to the next morning, then takes it. Where, when he gets home from school and he takes in, eventually he’s going to get in the bath. And when he gets in the bath, we say, look at you being so responsible.

(11m 48s):
You wash the day off. So healthy, getting all the germs and dirt and, and stuff off of the day. This is it. This is the way we work. This is how you show up responsibly for your body. You know, he’s picking out his clothes the night before, and now he just won’t put those clothes on. And everything’s a problem. What is the four-year-old doing? He’s testing. When are you going to hold me accountable? Mom, when are you going to say, these are the clothes that you picked out. These are the clothes that go on your body. I’ll be out here. You come and get me after you’ve put the clothes on a four year old can put their own clothes on.

(12m 32s):
And when he’s not ready, mom holds them accountable by grabbing the clothes and putting four year old in his car seat, take him his car in her saying, do you want to put the clothes on now? Or do you want to wait and put the clothes on when we roll up to school? And then when you roll up to school, she’s not shaming him. Shuts shoving them out the door in his underwear. She’s sitting in her car and she’s saying, Hey, we’re at school. They don’t let kids just come into school in their underwear. So I’ll sit here until you put your clothes on. Let me know if you need some help.

(13m 12s):
She’s holding him accountable by doing the thing that they planned on doing, which was putting the clothes on that he picked out the night before. She’s not freaking out. She’s not adding drama, shot arguing with them. She’s not jumping through hoops. What about this shirt? And what about that shirt? No, she’s just holding him accountable. He picked out these clothes. He’s putting these clothes on. That’s what we’re doing. If he says, I don’t like that shirt, and you say quickly, quickly, you want to choose another shirt. I’m, I’ll be out here. The car leaves at this time. And the car leaves at that time. And if he’s not dressed and she grabs the clothes and she puts them in the car, especially with the four year old, you can still do it.

(13m 57s):
I know be rough. I know it’s not going to be fun. And I know it might involve holding him, picking him up and carrying him like a football holding is making sure that you’re safe and he’s not kicking you in the face. Right? Being a full grown woman, woman ING up knowing like somebody was coming at you trying to harm your kids. You’d have super strength. Like you can do this. You, you, you got this. You don’t have to pinch him. You don’t squeeze him. You just carry him to the car. Put them in the car, take care of some business.

(14m 39s):
I believe in you guys. I know, I know what y’all are capable of. And so what about this situation with the kid that refuses to come self down? He thinks that you solve problems by hitting other people, no violence in this family. No violent hands, no violent words. When there is violence, this is it’s upstate rules. It’s not it’s it. Apps violence will absolutely not be tolerated. This house has to be a safe zone for everyone. See, the reason Marie has no clue how to do that because that involves pack leadership, assertive communication, wanting what she wants, letting people know what’s okay with me.

(15m 23s):
What’s not okay with me. It’s not okay with me to have violence in my household. This home is a sanctuary. We’re not going to have violent words or have a hands. And Marie has to practice the skills of modeling that herself super hard to do when you’re walking around in survival mode, in a state of dysregulation, right? Kids are always watching us. They learn from our example and I have compassion for Marie. I don’t have judgment about Marie. I know Marie is struggling. I know she doesn’t she’s. She is reading things because she is in such a victim state and has been for so long.

(16m 9s):
Marie needs the right kind of support for her. And Marie is just, it is, it’s absolutely eluding her how she can have boundaries. She doesn’t even know. Okay. So next we’re going to cover Murray’s posts about consequences and how consequences do not work and all the different support that she’s already tried and all her reasons why it doesn’t work. And we’re going to kind of dissect that and talk about why it’s not working and what actually will work.

(16m 53s):
That’s what I got for you. Thanks for listening today, guys. I hope you’ve picked up some tips tools, maybe some baby steps for creating more balance and boundaries in your life. And I just wanted to let you know, if you want to continue moving the needle forward in creating this for yourself, having a happier household. I want you to go to my website and check out Mastermind, Parenting dot com. We have three beginning programs, and if he needs some accountability and more support, then please look for the one that would be a good fit for you. And as always, we’re on all the social channels under Mastermind Parenting on Instagram, it’s mastermind, underscore parenting.

(17m 39s):
And you know, periodically I do pop up on different Instagram lives, Facebook lives, where I give you teaching and coaching. And I love engaging with you live to help you help your strong-willed kids so that they can feel better because when they feel better, they do better. And I love, love, love, getting to know you guys. So thanks for listening. If you liked this podcast, please don’t forget to subscribe, rate and review super, super appreciative.