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Is Yelling the New Spanking?


It might be hard to imagine yelling at a face like this and that's why we feel so damn guilty when we do!

It might be hard to imagine yelling at a face like this and that’s why we feel so damn guilty when we do!

Recently, I came across an article:  10 Things Most Kids Don’t Know About Their Mothers.
 
Out of the 10 things, I especially connected with these two:
 
4.“She was always afraid.”
 
“From the moment you were conceived, she did all in her power to protect you.  She became your mama bear…”
 
5. “She knows she’s not perfect.”
 
“She is her own worst critic.  She knows all her flaws and sometimes hates herself for them.  She is hardest on herself when it comes to you, though.  She wanted to be the perfect mom, to do nothing wrong – but because she is human, she made mistakes…”
 
I believe that that these two concepts, fear and perfection, are actually related.
 
As moms, we become mama bears from the very start.  When that little 3-year-old “tyrant” bites our sweet baby at preschool and then hurts his feelings in 2nd grade by commenting on his cute back hair peeking out of the top of his shirt, we want to march up to the school and give that little Napolean what’s comin’ to him…
 
And then we remember that he’s 3…or 7.
 
We might advise our kids to bite or insult back.
 
And when the bully continues to prey upon our lil cutie, we feel frustrated because we want to protect his body and feelings from harm.
 
As a result of this frustration, we might get really worked up, resulting in raising our voice or berating our sweet boy because we FEAR that he’s too sweet and doesn’t know how to properly stand up for himself. 
 
Other boys might walk all over him – continuing to make fun and causing him to feel badly about himself.
 
So out of fear, we use our words to teach him to armor up.
 
But the problem is, we end up hurting his feelings way worse than any schoolyard bully.
 
He takes our words to heart and he translates our concern as not believing in him.
 
This causes him to not believe in himself.
 
As our fear grows, so does our anger which results in a louder voice and harsher words. 
 
We scare our sweet boy with our loud voice and we cause him to feel shame that he is inviting poor treatment from his peers because he refuses to “go low” by insulting back or to use physical aggression.
 
Anger is rooted in fear.
 
Anytime, you find yourself yelling at your kids, if you trace back why you’re angry, you will eventually find something you are fearful of as a mama bear.
 
It might be that you are worried about her happiness and her future because she is putting on extra weight when the other little girls seem to be thinning out.
 
You have struggled with your own weight or watched your sister or best friend suffer and you want more for your precious girl.
 
You know the world is friendlier to thin females and you want her to feel welcomed with opened arms.
 
Or maybe you find yourself yelling because your daughter often ignores you and continuously speaks to you in a disrespectful tone. 
 
You fear that she doesn’t respect authority and people in authoritative positions will judge and condemn her or YOU.
 
You want the world to love, enjoy and honor her.
 
Condemnation will feel like the opposite of that.
 
And being her mom is your most important assignment in life – other people’s negative judgment feels like evidence that you are screwing up your biggest job.
 
So you find yourself yelling to teach her to “respect authority” and this actually causes her to do the opposite – behaving in ways that will invite negativity into her life from peers, teachers and disconnecting from you, her mother.
 
We worry about our kids from the minute they begin growing in our bellies.
 
The worry quickly becomes fear and the fear becomes anger and the anger often manifests into yelling and/or harsh shaming words towards the people we fiercely love and want to protect.
 
Deep down, we know our behavior doesn’t match our intense love and that’s when number 5. from the motherhood article comes into play, “Mom knows she’s not perfect…she knows all her flaws and sometimes hates herself for them.”
 
I have heard yelling called the new spanking.
 
Most of us got the memo that spanking models aggression for our kids and it’s illogical to think hitting would be a civilized conflict resolution strategy to teach them.
 
Yelling is just as damaging for our children as smacking them. 
 
Rather than their bottoms, it bruises their hearts and our harsh words become their inner speech as adults.
 
There is a better way.  It takes work to learn it.  You won’t get it right all the time.
 
I don’t. 
 
And then I apologize and try again.
 
They forgive me.  They often apologize too.
 
We respect each other. We love and protect each other fiercely.
 
Conscious parenting strategies feel good. 
 
Leading your family as a conscious parent will effectively create deep and close knit family bonds.
 
I have never seen the old fear based model do that.

It’s not enough to want to be a conscious parent.  Learn how to Close the Parenting Gap (CPG) so you can show up as the cool parent you really want to be – rather than resorting to old patterns like yelling, threats and tactics that try to “fear” your kids into behaving.

And by cool, I don’t mean this


 
 
My program, Close the Parenting Gap (CPG) is pretty different from other things out there. I am working to make it available to more folks.  Therefore, I have a few different ways to work with me. I do require an application since my approach is extremely personal and hands on.  Not everyone is right for the program and because I have such a deep desire to help as many families as possible, I will offer resources and possibly a referral if we are not a fit at this time.
 
I have several ways to support you:
 

  1. 1:1 VIP program, Close the Parenting Gap:  an 8-week deep dive experience with Randi to retrain your brain.  This is a great program for couples or individual parents. You will learn how to keep your cool during heated moments so your behavior reflects the love you feel in your heart for your people… with no guilt hangovers later for behaving in ways you swore you never would.  This is how you retire those old patterns from yesteryear and create a new family legacy for your kids, grandkids and beyond.  To be considered, please fill out an application here.

 

  1. 2- day intensive program: Close the Parenting Gap: in a small group format, we will cover the 8-week program to begin retraining your brain and creating new patterns to keep your cool during heated moments with your kiddos. We will have a big experience in a short amount of time…this is a perfect program for the instant gratification junkies like me! The hours will be 9-3pm.  (Next offering, Nov. 9 & 10.  Maximum 7 people and only 4 spots left! I am just starting to tell folks about it…meaning, don’t procrastinate or you’ll miss out.)  To be considered, please fill out an application here. For more information on the program, click here

 

  1. 1:1 VIP Day:  Family Action Plan.  If you could go back to the original dream you had when you first found out you were going to have a baby, how does it compare to your current reality? Is life more chaotic than you imagined?  Do you find yourself resorting to old patterns you never intended to repeat? What if I told you that we can change that and realign you with your original fantasy in one day?  We will spend an entire day together either virtually or in person designing a practical action plan specific to your needs and family.  This program will include pre-work as well as a follow up support directly with Randi. To be considered, please fill out an application here.

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