This week we are going to be talking about the kid that just won’t stop playing. Which sounds sweet… but as we listen to this mom’s scenario, we discover it’s not so sweet. She asks, “Do I just ignore the behavior that arises when I give a consequence or enforce a boundary? They always get angry and then act out.”
Apparently, it was time to leave the house in the morning and after prior warnings such as, “We are leaving in 5 minutes…” when it was time to go her child REFUSED to stop playing with his toy. After telling him twice and being ignored, she removed the toy and said he could play with it when they got home.
He started screaming, stamping his feet, slamming doors, calling her names, throwing things…. So, does she then just ignore all that stuff? What do you think? Many of us have been in a similar situation at some point. And during this episode we’re going to unpack what these kiddos may be trying to communicate to us, and how we can understand where they are, and meet them there. It’s not about consequences or punishments to get them to do what you want them to do. Understanding their temperament, and how to communicate is key, and will keep everyone happier. Listen in!
As always, thanks for listening, and be sure and head over to Facebook and you can join my free group Mastermind Parenting Community, where we post tips and tools and do pop up Live conversations where I do extra teaching and coaching to support you in helping your strong-willed children so that they can FEEL better and DO better. If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it!
About Randi Rubenstein
Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.
She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.
At Mastermind Parenting, we believe every human deserves to have a family that gets along.
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My name’s Randi Rubenstein, and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting podcast at Mastermind Parenting, we’re on a mission to support strong-willed kids and the families that love them. You’re listening to the Mastermind Parenting podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode 2 0 4. Okay. Hi guys. How are you? Okay. This week, we are going to be talking about the kid that just won’t stop playing, Which sounds sweet and listen to this mom’s scenario. It’s not so sweet. Spoiler alert. It’s not so sweet. She says, do I just ignore the behavior that arises? When I give a consequence or enforce a boundary, They always get angry and then act out.
For example, it was time to leave the house this morning and after prior warnings or leaving in five minutes, et cetera, when it was time to go, my child, all caps REFUSED to stop playing with his toy. After telling, After telling him twice and being ignored, I removed the toy and said he could play with it. When we got home, He started screaming, stamping his feet, slamming doors, calling me names, throwing things. So do I then just ignore all that stuff? No, you don’t just ignore all that stuff. And as we talked about recently, all behaviors communication. So what is this kid trying to communicate?
Right? What’s this kid trying to communicate. So when we’re, you know, remember like I’ve also said, kids are humans, they’re not robots and we’re all wired differently. And when people come into my private programs, one of the first things we do, I don’t know, maybe I’m like week three of our 12 week basic bootcamp program. We do these assessments. I have the parents studying their kids and figuring out what is my kid’s temperament. And this is really based on a study that I read about that I think was done in like the sixties with a group of 18 month old little tiny children.
And they gave them these puzzles to do. And based on how they engaged with doing these puzzles, they labeled these kids either triers, CIS, flyers, or criers. So what does that mean? It means when they were, you know, from this very young age, when they were tasked with something that was going to involve some challenge, right? They’re trying to figure out this puzzle, the kid that’s, the Tryer is going to try this and then try that and then try this and then try that and stick with it and stick with it and stick with it and stick with it.
Which sounds sort of great. In theory, like this is kind of the opposite of a quitter kid. However, it’s a problem when you’ve got a Tryer and it’s time to leave the house because kids very much live in their present moment. So when you have a Tryer who hasn’t finished playing with the thing that they’re playing with, they’re not leaving, they’re not leaving. And so understanding what their temperament is like, how do I work with my Tryer? Right? Knowing this about your kid means just because you say in five minutes, if the kid hasn’t completed the task, they’re a Tryer.
They’re not leaving. So what would that child need from you in that moment? If you’ve got, you know, if you have this Tryer child, well, they would need, Hey, it’s gonna be time to leave in five minutes. So we gotta, we gotta finish this up. We gotta finish the playing up. So I’m gonna set the timer for three minutes. So then once, three minutes is up, you’ll be wrapping it up. And if there’s any last things that you have to do, you’ll have two more minutes to do it. And then at two minutes, what will it be time to do? It’ll be time to put the toy away and leave.
If you’re not finished playing your option would be to bring the toy with you. If it’s a small toy, you could bring it well, maybe with you in the car. Otherwise we’re gonna put it exactly where, you know, it will be when you come back. Now, this might sound like a lot of talking, but it’s not actually time to leave yet. So you’re just pausing and you’re putting some extra energy on the front end, cuz you know, you have a trier child who’s really immersed in their play, which at many times that probably benefits this mom. Cause she got a kid that wants to play by himself and he’s very occupied in doing it. And for those of us, who’ve had kids that are constantly like asking us to play with them.
It might sound nice. It’s just these kids. If they’re not finished doing what they’re doing, they need a little extra support it with the transition, you know, so that they know what to expect. And you’re just gonna, you’re just gonna build that in on the front end. You understand what your child’s temperament is. If you had above flyer, you know the kids, the 18 month olds that were given the puzzle when they got frustrated and they couldn’t fit this piece in this certain spot, well that’s the kid that throws things or hits people or gets really frustrated and angry. And so, you know, if you’ve got a flyer and you you’ve got a finger on the pulse of when they start to get frustrated, you can go over to them, them and you can, you know, before it gets explosive and you can say, you’re frustrated right now, you help them put words to their emotions.
Can mommy help? You need mommy to help. You need to take a break. I can see you’re getting really frustrated. Let’s take a break or mommy can help. And so you give them that kind of support. If you’ve got a kid that’s a crier. Then when they get frustrated, they might just wh or cry. And then they need you to be the calm person that helps them solve their problem, which is you’re super frustrated right now. Okay? You, this is really important to you. How can I help? How can I help you need to take a break? Or would you like mommy to help? We’re giving them two positive choices, but we’re here to lend our calm to them.
And if we have a sire, well, thess are kind of the easy ones because sys, when the minute that the puzzle got frustrated, the SI’s like, huh, and they move on to something else. Now the SI’s gonna need your support because sometimes they give up too quickly and you’re like, whoa, wait, let me help. You can do this. Let’s figure this out. And so sometimes they might need you to give them a little push and show. Well, what if you turned it this way? Or what if you turned it that way? So understanding your child’s temperament is really just you saying like, I’m your person.
Like, we’re the calm people that solve problems. We can figure anything out and kids learn through play. So you might just think they’re playing, but in your child’s little magical thinking world, like this kid in his magical thinking world, he’s really entrenched in this thing that he’s playing. Hey podcast, listeners, do you have the kid that just won’t we’ve all had those days, right? Haven’t we where our kids just won’t do anything we ask, they won’t listen. They won’t follow simple requests. They won’t stop destructive behaviors. They won’t let anything be easy.
You have those days. But then, you know, if you’ve got a kid where it’s like every day is those days and as parents, it’s tempting for us to jump straight to a consequence. In fact, I think it’s like a reflex. You want the behavior to stop and it’s so easy to go there. First. In fact, you may believe it’s your job as a parent to shut the problematic behavior down forcefully, right? And overwhelming. Majority of the parents I’ve coached over the years. They come to me wanting to know the consequence that will stop the defiance. Like it’s gonna be the magic solution, the magic bullet, but here’s the secret. It’s not really about the consequences.
At least not until you’ve tried my proven method that stops this kind of behavior, the behavior that just won’t where they won’t let anything be, be easy in its tracks quite often before we even need to get to a consequence because all behavior is communication. I know y’all have heard me talk about that on the podcast. And that’s what we’re going to dive deep into during my next live coach week what’s coach week coach week is an intensive mini program that consists of three days of live coaching with me. And it’s coming up the week of October 10th.
And I really developed this mostly with you guys, my podcast listeners in mind because you know me yet, I don’t know you. And we did one of these coach weeks, a few months back. It was so much fun. I got to know so many of you and we’re doing it again. So this time our theme is how to deal with the kid that just won’t dot, dot, dot won’t make anything be easy, right? So when you come to our October session of coach week, we’re going to find out the biggest mistake most parents are making that actually makes the problematic behavior worse.
We’re gonna investigate. I’m gonna be right there with you holding your hand. We’re gonna investigate and find out what’s really underneath your kid’s behavior. We’re going to work on building trust by using the tools and language that these strong willed kids can actually hear so that they’re able to improve their behavior. And you’re gonna walk away from this intensive week with a clear plan and framework to deal with behavior challenges in the future. So don’t miss out on this free training and get to kind of see for free what the inside of a Mastermind Parenting program really feels like. Okay. I’m so proud of our programs.
And I’m so excited to get to share this with you. So save your seat now, by going to Mastermind, Parenting dot com slash October coach week, all lowercase, all one word Mastermind, Parenting dot com slash October coach week. I cannot wait to see you guys there. And so this mom, she might, you know, you might be thinking also like who has time to do all that in the morning, say all those things. And, but it’s a different mindset, right?
If you’re really seeing things from your child’s perspective, if you put this kind of energy on the front end and you’re managing the sentences in your head, you’re mastering your mind. Like it’s not that big of a thing. It’s not that big of a deal. I got a little kid I’m just gonna meet. ’em where they are. And you put your, your time and energy on the front end and you kind of talk yourself off a ledge. Instead of getting yourself all worked up, we’re gonna be late. I’m gonna be late to work and they’re gonna be late to school. And this is a shit show and they can never be easy and they just won’t ever cooperate and they just won’t stop playing. And they just won’t. They just won’t. And why is my life so difficult? And yada, yada, you manage your mind. You talk yourself off a ledge and you put this energy on the front end.
It’s gonna save you so much time because now all of a sudden you’re not gonna have, you know, all hell breaking loose first thing in the morning, because what happens when you have a morning like this, this mom wants to go straight to the consequences in the boundaries, but really all this kid needs is, is more PAC leadership, more positive communication, more of their adult, simply showing up as the calm person who solves problems. No big, big deal, little deal, little deal. We got this I’m I got you. I’m right here with you. Let’s figure this out. You need one more minute to play with this.
Okay? We’re I’m when, when the minute’s up, I’m gonna carry you to the car or you can walk to the car and if you’re not done playing, you can bring your toy with you. It’s not, not a big deal. You can have it in the car. I’m fine with that, right? We’re not making big deals out of little deals because we’re managing our minds. But quite often we just wanna go straight to the boundaries and straight to the consequences. And it’s not even really necessary if we handle it like this. So, you know, the energy and the time that is spent, having a kid that goes into meltdown, who just won’t stop playing.
When we show up like this, we let them know when it’s time to go. It’s time to go. But we’re also gonna understand that their play is important and they may need to just bring it with them or they may need us to, to, you know, not just have a five minute warning out of a three minute and then really support them in, okay, two more minutes, where are you gonna put it? So it’s here. When, you know, if you’re not done playing, where’s it gonna be so that you know exactly where to find it. And you can pick up where you left off when you get back. And then if you have a, you know, this mom probably lacks in her leadership skills and her communication.
And so this child probably just doesn’t feel like this is that they get that calm, grounded, grown, upness happening when they’re, and they just have too much power and control and they don’t wanna stop playing. So when they freak out like this, you know, this is just the pattern that has been created. And, and they’re used to this dynamic. So when this mom starts to show up, as the calm, grounded, grown up, who helps solve the problems and the child is going into freak out mode and the mom picks up, the kid takes him to the car, puts ’em in the car seat, buckles them in.
Doesn’t say much, really doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t add extra input to an already stressed out nervous system and just takes care of business. Well, now all of a sudden this little child has learned that when it’s time to go, it’s time to go. We’re not gonna argue and have a whole freak out about it. Mom’s gonna pick me up and take me and buckle me into the car seat. She’s not gonna shame me and yell at me and, and make a whole big deal out of it. She just knows. I’m a little kid who was immersed in my play and I live in my emotional brain and I’m used to freaking out, but she’s taking care of business. She’s not engaging with nonsense, right?
So there is a lot there. But the bottom line is, is a kid that just won. Won’t stop playing is really asking for a different type of leadership, a different type of PAC leadership. So they can learn that. And they can trust that when it’s time to go, it’s time to go and they can put their toy in a special spot. So they know they can be assured that they’ll be able to pick up their play back when, when they’re back at home later, or they can take it in the car.
Some of my favorite memories are like my kids bringing whatever little figurine or stuffed animal or in the car. And like, they’re like, you know, talking to it and you know, they’re in their whole little magical thinking world. It’s a beautiful thing. I love one of my favorite favorite memories is my kids playing and who even knows what they, what was going through their little minds. But I would, I would say a kid that just won’t stop playing. We don’t wanna squash that creativity. And yes, we’re gonna put some boundaries around it, right? When it’s time to go, it’s time to go, but we’re gonna assure them that we respect their play.
It’s a different way of thinking. It’s a different way of communicating. It’s a different way of Parenting. And how often is a kid like this, a Tryer kid spinning off the rails. And it’s just so unnecessary because when we start the day and now we’re gonna, it’s escalated and the kid got all angry and now we’re gonna drop ’em off at school. Now how long it takes for those stress hormones to come back down to normal, like two or three hours. So when you start the day like this, you’re literally sending your kids off to school at a deficit for learning because when their stress hormones are high, they’re not in their thinking brain.
It’s very hard to retain new information when you’re in that emotional state, super important to bring a different level of pack leadership to the morning. And if, you know, listen, if I’m telling you, and if you’re like, Ugh, that would never happen. I could never, I just then it’s you, that just won won’t and you gotta own that. And, and, and take the time to learn how to be a different leader, cuz that’s what your kid is basically asking from you. And I, I promise you, it will only benefit you in every single way, not just in your Parenting. When you learn how to communicate with more authority and more positive path leadership and you woman up, man, everybody takes you seriously in your life.
You got this. That’s what I’ve got for you this week. Thanks for listening today, guys. I hope you picked up some tips tools, maybe some baby steps for creating more balance and boundaries in your life. And I just wanted to let you know, if you want to continue moving the needle forward in creating this for yourself, having a happier household. I want you to go to my website and check out Mastermind, Parenting dot com. We have three beginning programs and if you need some accountability and more support, then please look for the one that would be a good fit for you. And As always, we’re on all the social channels under Mastermind Parenting on Instagram, it’s Mastermind, underscore Parenting, and you know, periodically I do pop up on different Instagram lives, Facebook lives, where I give you teaching and coaching.
And I love engaging with you live to help you help your strong willed kids so that they can feel better because when they feel better, they do better. And I love, love, love, getting to know you guys. So thanks for listening. If you like this podcast, please don’t forget to subscribe, rate and review super, super appreciative.