- Primal sense of belonging for all humans
- Mind mastery and self-awareness
- Wayne Gretsky: “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”
- Mom Judgment
- Dirty future pain
- Leaning into negative emotions takes 90 seconds to move thru us
- Teaching our kids to go for the shot and be willing to face negative emotions
- Deciding what type of mom you’ll be?
- Will you be one who puts the possible judgment of you as a mom 1st?
- Or will you teach your kid to go for the shot and support them through potential negative emotion?
As always, thanks for listening, and be sure and head over to Facebook and you can join my free group Mastermind Parenting Community, where we post tips and tools and do pop up Live conversations where I do extra teaching and coaching to support you in helping your strong-willed children so that they can FEEL better and DO better. If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it!
About Randi Rubenstein
Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.
She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.
At Mastermind Parenting, we believe every human deserves to have a family that gets along.
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My name’s Randi Rubenstein and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast where we believe when your thoughts grow the conversations in your home flow. Well, hi guys,
I want to talk to you this week about something I’m calling the lesson from the Balloon moment. So we all are human, and obviously we don’t live in a vacuum we’re pack animals. We’re meant to be a member of community. We have this Primal sense of belonging. We go with other people, even those of us are those people who are new here being like, Oh, I don’t go to give a crap. What other people think about me? I’m going to do my own thing. And I, you know what, I’m antisocial. I don’t need anyone. Like that’s always coming from a place of insecurity and, and some kind of hurt.
0 (1m 37s):
Like, it feels too vulnerable to admit that you need other people or that you care about what other people think of you. Because the truth of the matter is so often, so many of us are operating from what are they going to think? And one of the biggest triggers, I think for other people’s judgment and how it affects us is when it comes to our kids. Like no one wants to be that parent in the restaurant who all of the other diners are whispering and pointing and saying like, who’s kids act like that. I would never let you have let you guys act like that.
0 (2m 16s):
Or, you know, when the grandparents are around, like we get so caught up in other people’s opinions. And I just want y’all to know we, we all do it. If we’re being really honest, it’s just truthful when you admit it. And when you know what’s going on and you’re onto yourself, you know, a big part of Mastermind Parenting and mastering your own mind is self-awareness. And just being on to yourself and not pretending that you don’t care what other people think, and you’re not effected by what other people think. And when your kids are having a Moment, that it doesn’t affect you and it doesn’t change your day and you don’t get all wrapped up in what are all the other people going to think?
0 (3m 2s):
So I I’m, I want to talk about the Balloon Moment because there was a situation and, and you know, I’m not in little kid mode a lot anymore because my kids are older 12, 17, and 20 soon to be 13, 17, and 21. I’m about to have a 21 year old young man. Yeah, that’s a whole, I’m sure that’ll be a whole other topic, but I was at the park. I would have the pleasure of having my baby niece for the weekend and she’s three. And I went and met another mom, a mom in my mastermind group with her to, she has three little boys, but it, one of them is a baby.
0 (3m 44s):
So that was just the two older ones, the four and a three year old at the park. And we were at the park and the kids were playing and she and I were talking and hanging out and I was having all kinds of awesome nostalgic moments. And I, you know, I am so curious about other people and I love being around little kids. Right. And I especially love seeing, you know, just noticing their behaviors and at three and at four, like they’re so transparent. And because I’ve been studying this stuff for over 20 years, it’s just amazing to me when I see the behaviors and action and their little brains and action, and I can tell what they’re processing.
0 (4m 27s):
And it’s also very cool because I’m not the mom that is so wrapped up because I am the ant now. And so I’m, so I can really be that watcher. I can be the observer. I can notice. I can be like, I can think so clearly it’s very little, that’s going to trigger me. And so it’s real easy for me to be like, this is a tool that needs to work here in here. I’m not going to offer two positive choices and she’s behaving this way because some things not making sense to her brain. Like, I, I can, I can step outside and use those tools. And so to be there with another one of my master in my mom’s, it was super fun because I had three have these little people to observe and notice and, and to kind of prompt her, try this, you know, she’s been with me for a long time, so there’s a lot of trust and I could be like, yeah, let’s try this.
0 (5m 19s):
And let’s try that. So while we’re at the park, there’s this little covered gazebo at the park. And it was a gorgeous day. And there was a mom and she was, there was a family and they were throwing a birthday party. It was a Saturday and they were throwing a birthday party. So this is a public park. You know, anybody can throw a ball, a birthday party. So our kids were all kind of looking on as the birthday party festivity, these happened and they were playing and doing their things, but they’re, we’re noticing, you know, and you were a kid. You don’t totally understand here’s a birthday party. Oh, those people over there are having cake. And yeah, we’re not eating the cake. None of them said, can we go have a cupcake or anything like that?
0 (6m 1s):
But what’s the party kind of disseminated and was over my friend’s little boy. Her younger are a little boy. So for three year old, who’s almost just a tiny bit older than my three-year-old niece. He’s three and a half year old years old. He saw that the party was kind over and there was these red balloons, the decorations, and they were around, it needs to look at me. He said, mommy, can I have a red balloon? And the problem was in my, in my master, my mom’s mind was, well, those aren’t, those were balloons for the party. We weren’t guests at the party. Like we’re just random party goers, like were not really entitled to those balloons.
0 (6m 44s):
And so that’s what she, you know, it was kind of going into that’s what you would typically say, you know, no, those balloons don’t belong to us. And I kind of looked at her and he said, but I want one of those balloons. And she was like, yeah, well that party wasn’t for us. And those balloons go with the party and said, those balloons aren’t for us. And I said, I said, why, why can he have a Balloon? And she kinda just like, looking at me, don’t make this harder on me than it already is. And it, and the reason it is is that we can go to the future, right? Like we don’t want to teach our kids that lesson, that they could just walk around the world thinking they’re entitled to just taking stuff whenever they feel like it, even when they are not invited to the party there where they’re going to be like the wedding Crashers, which is a hilarious movie, maybe they are going to be the wedding Crashers.
0 (7m 32s):
But you know, we go to that future place. And that’s what I call Dirty pain. Like when we find ourselves making decisions based on if I do it this time than in the future, it could go this way. I’ll be teaching my kid the wrong lesson and there’ll be entitled, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That’s a dirty pain. Okay. Okay. And in the future, he’s not going to be three and a half in the future. He is going to have a different level of understanding and the future. He’s going to understand more about social norms right now at three and a half, he was pretty good. He didn’t ask if he could go take part in the cupcake. He didn’t ask if he could go, you know, take a whack at the pinata.
0 (8m 14s):
He just noticed the party was over and there happened to be some balloons around it. Lens are pretty awesome. All right. So, so it’s pretty black and white at his stage of development. He’s just like, seems like there’s some balloons. I would love one. And when we stand on ceremony, because we don’t want to be setting the precedent of creating those entitled kids in the future. Is that true? Is it teaching our kids something important? Or are we teaching our kids? What if we, what have we said? Huh? You want to Balloon party’s over. It does look like they have some extra balloons. Like it does never hurt to ask.
0 (8m 55s):
We could ask the worst case scenarios is she may say, no, we’re taking those balloons home. Right? So the worst thing that can happen is that somebody will say no, and you will feel disappointed may be a little embarrassed, right? Like that’s it. And the really, if we get really honest, the worst case scenario is maybe the other moms like, huh, this is where this is a little ballsy. You know, your kid wasn’t invited to the party. And you’re the kind of mom that comes and brings your kid to ask for stuff at a party that they weren’t invited to. So maybe the worst case scenario and our mind is some judgment from this Mom that we don’t know.
0 (9m 36s):
Right. But really are we going to put that? Judgment just like, are we in a, put the judgment of the other restaurant goers and I’m not advocating to let your kids go into restaurants and wreak havoc at all. But when we get all caught up in and what all these strangers are going to think of us and judge us, do we put the needs of those strangers and their opinion have us before the needs of our children and the stage of development or our children are in just take that in for a second. Okay. Cause at three and a half, he’s very much in the present moment he was patient. He waited till the party was over.
0 (10m 17s):
There seems to be extra balloons. He loves balloons and they happen to be Red. We all love a red balloon. And I love that famous quote by Wayne Gretzky, who says you miss a hundred percent of the shots you don’t take. So what’s the worst case scenario. We teach our kids at a very young age to go for the shot and to be willing, to handle the misses, to be willing, to handle the disappointment. If that mom were to say no, and then we have a disappointed kid and we go and we give them empathy and were like, you love the Red Balloon it seemed like there were as extra as you really wanted it.
0 (10m 57s):
You were hoping she would say, yes, that’s why, you know why you went and ask. It never hurts to ask. And she said, no, they have another party later in their, they are going to save these balloons to decorate that party too. And so she said, no, and you’re really disappointed right now. You’re sad. Right? So then the worst case scenario is you went to the shot. You’re disappointed now, and we’re going to lean into the disappointment and I’m gonna teach you at the age of three and a half, that you don’t have to be scared of negative emotions. And if you learned to lean into it, but it actually takes 90 seconds for them to move through you. Versus most of us who got the memo, we’re not supposed to feel negative emotions.
0 (11m 37s):
We do everything possible to avoid negative emotions. That’s why we do all the overs over shopping, over eating, over, drinking, over a pill, popping over, smoking over everything, to avoid the negative emotions, which half of life has a negative emotion. So we’re always just pushing those negative emotions away and ultimately making them last longer. So what if at three and a half, we teach our kids a message. We put our ego aside of what this other stranger mom is going to think of us. We go up, we teach our kids to go for the shot. Worst case scenario. The lady says no. And we teach our kids know how to process negative emotions. It was okay.
0 (12m 17s):
So like what, like what is the big deal about asking for the Balloon? Is it truly mortifying? And if you want me to say yes, Y you put yourself on the other Mom shoes. If you want to a real birthday party at a public park, you can even have to pay to rent that park total, like a birthday party on the cheek that didn’t have to happen at your house. Kids ran them up, clean up quickly, out like that. Mom’s already in a win-win situation. And if you were in her shoes in some three and a half year old kid who was a park or go where it came up after the party and said, can I please have a Balloon?
0 (12m 57s):
Would you be judging that other Mom? Or would you be like, absolutely. Usually it is my pleasure and get to experience the pleasure of handing a Balloon to a child playing in the park and seeing a smile on their face. Like really put it in perspective, right? I mean, an adorable. And when her a little bit, three and a half year old boy walks up to ask for the Balloon, my niece went up with him holding his hand. Right. And, and holding your hand. Of course it turned into, then my niece wanted a Balloon than the four year old brother wanted it to Balloon than the four year old brother didn’t want us to tie the Balloon around his wrist.
0 (13m 40s):
And the four year old brother let go of the balloon accidentally, then the balloon floated away. And it was like that old 1970s movie that a little red balloon. And he started freaking out. It was like, you know, of course it became a calamity of events and M exactly what my Mastermind mom was wanting to avoid. Right. What if they all asked, what if I’m gonna look on couth, which you’re going to think of me, this is just asking for a whole thing. Right? And it was all good. There were so many learning opportunities here. We taught, you know, all the kids got them and just see the four year old disappointed and, and moved through the disappointment.
0 (14m 22s):
And then we showed a clip of that little red Balloon from 1970. So then we had a little nostalgia, as in some random parent was like, Oh my God, a little revenue. And I watch that every year in school. And then I started bonding with them over it. And then we taught all the kids that they could be like, Wayne Gretsky and go for the shot. And we gave the other mom who threw the party an opportunity to put smiles on three kids’ faces. And we got to experience, experience holding the kids’ hands and teaching them to have, and go ask for something. Because of course, the three and a half year old little boy at first, he looked at his mom, he, and he says, you ask for it. And we said, no, if you want the balloon, you ask for it.
0 (15m 2s):
And then my niece, Isabel said, she was kind of looking at it. And I said, Isabelle, you want to go with max and help him? And she said, yes. So then they got to support each other. They didn’t need to have the mommy’s going and doing everything. They got to be all independent and empowered like us Leaning In too. Who knows what’s going to happen? Will we be judged having the courage to lean in to all that uncertainty? I think it was just a powerful and amazing lesson. And that lasted all of maybe, I don’t know, 12 minutes, all of this stuff going down, but see when we’re scared to face these moments, and we’re constantly trying to keep any possibility of a negative emotion coming, coming into our realm at Bay.
0 (15m 49s):
Like we missed these beautiful moments. These are all the beautiful character defining moments for us and our kids. So, you know, I want to say, ask yourself, will I be the Mom who teaches her kid to go for the shot? Will I be the mom who is willing to lean into the uncertainty to lean into some, somebody else? Some stranger’s judgment of me letting them judge me, letting them be wrong, not knowing what the outcome will be. Right? Like which parent do you want to be?
0 (16m 30s):
That’s my question for you have a fabulous week. Hey, podcast listeners, if you identify with having a strong-willed kid and you’re ready to start taking action, because enough, this is not enough walking around on eggshells, constantly getting all those mumbled one word answers based on their irritable mood everyday in the car. Afterschool, go ahead and download the free resources that I made for you to start taking action immediately and creating a happier household. It’s Mastermind Parenting dot com forward slash free guide to start taking action today.