- HSP – Highly Sensitive Person
- Resume mom defined
- Night Terrors
- Mastermind Parenting Pillar: All behavior is communication
- Defiant behavior
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About Randi Rubenstein
Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.
She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.
At Mastermind Parenting, we believe every human deserves to have a family that gets along.
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You’re listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode 46. Hey, podcast listeners. If you happen to have a strong-willed kid who is kind of pushing every one of your buttons lately, I’m a resource for you. I made you guys a Free Guide where you’re going to get some tools and tips and strategies to quickly get on the road to creating a happier household. I know you’re pulling your hair out. I wanted to make you something so he could start giving some quick wins and building some moments. So if you want me to grab your copy, just go to Mastermind Parenting dot com forward slash Free Guide and I hope you enjoy it.
My name is Randi Rubenstein and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast where we believe when your thoughts grow the conversations in your home flow.
Hey, are you welcome to today’s episode? I’m in might be a little bit of a controversial one, because I have recently come up with a term that I’m calling Resume moms and what being a Resume mom looks like is lets just say you feel like you’re checking off all the boxes on you’re good mom Resume and that you, you know what you’re doing all the things and you’re throwing all of the birthday parties and there’s every reason in the world for you to kind of feel like you’re doing the best job that you can possibly do.
0 (1m 46s):
And yet there’s tension in your household. Maybe you feel like your walking on eggshells, you’ve got a strong-willed kid and the behavior is intense and it is deeply affecting the rest of the family. And you know that y’all, aren’t creating those happy memories that you swore you we’re going to create. And that’s the reason you’re checking off all the good Mom boxes on your resume. Like this is your most important role. You take it very seriously. You you really feel like you’re doing all of the things, but yet, why are you doing all the things?
0 (2m 29s):
If there is constant tension and stress and fighting in your household, right? Like you’re doing all the things because you want to have a super connected, close knit family. You want your kids to have a happy childhood. You want that family that you’ve always wanted. And so that’s why you do all of the things. And yet the, the results are not matching what your resume says. It’s almost like, you know, the person who comes in and applies for a job and they look perfect on paper, but then you interview them for the job. And you’re like, something’s not adding up here.
0 (3m 11s):
And so I have a, so to that is the story. That’s the term Resume moms. And if you feel, you might feel a little triggered by this, but what I want to tell you is that I was a Resume Mom okay. So if I get really honest back in the day, I remember when my oldest child whined a lot, like I like just wind and wind. And I remember he was about five and my husband and I were looking at each other and saying like, when does this whining behavior? And like, I thought it was a little kid thing and he’s five, almost six.
0 (3m 53s):
Like what’s the deal. It doesn’t make sense. It, we, even during the parent teacher conferences, like with the preschool teacher, you know, we would add, we would be concerned because I felt like I was checking off all the boxes and yet his preschool teachers and the, and the, his kindergarten teacher, like They we would go in and we were like, you know, he comes home and he’s angry a lot. And just in a bad mood, like, are you noticing anything at school? And I remember one preschool teacher in particular, she kind of acted like we were crazy. She was like, he’s great. You’ve got a great kid, like stop worrying so much.
0 (4m 36s):
You guys are amazing parents. You, your, your volunteering, your hands on you’re both coming to parent teacher conferences. Like she was kind of like dismissive, but we knew he was holding it together at school and then coming home and falling apart. And so we were kind of like, you know, we were trying to investigate and she was like police, or do you know the parents I deal with, you’re like giving us all of this reassurance and, and acting like we were crazy or being helicopter parents. But the truth is, is that we knew there was something to figure out. Like I knew in everyone else’s minds, including this preschool teacher, I was, I had a great Resume as a mom, but yet my child’s behavior was telling me something different.
0 (5m 26s):
My child’s behavior was telling me that there was something to figure out coincidentally, when he was about five. And we were looking at each other going, when does his behavior? And he also started having night terrors and that started around kindergarten. So there was all this whining behavior during the day. And you know, sometimes meltdowns. And then at night, especially when he started going to a full day of school, he started having at least once a week, these Night Terrors, which we just, you know, couldn’t we didn’t understand. Now I know that whenever, you know, what, whatever unprocessed emotion you have from your waking hours, that you’re not working through, they come out and it comes out in your dreams because I’ve been trained in a dream analysis.
0 (6m 20s):
And, and it’s actually very interesting. And so I can look back now and say, yeah, he was whining all the time. Cause it was something to figure out. And he had all of this unprocessed emotion and pent up frustration, and then it was coming out in his streams. So the whining behavior, if there was something to figure out, and this goes to one of my mastermind Parenting pillars is one of the foundational pillars that I teach, which is all behavior is communication. So we were looking at each other going, is this just a developmental? Kids’ just whine. And when is it going to outgrow this? Right? Like if I could speak to younger me, I would say, just because you stay home, volunteer at school, take them to the park.
0 (7m 6s):
Don’t pressure them to be the baseball boy, socialize him by organizing regular play dates, throw a picture worthy birthday parties, feed him, decently prioritize, sleep, have dinner as a family, most nights, even though you’re checking off all the boxes on the good Mom Resume, you know, the big indicator is that he, the whining is telling me that he wants, he wants, he wanted us to feel frustrated because he felt frustrated, right? Like our vibe that we give off, we attract people that have the same vibe. So he wanted us to feel frustrated because basically he wanted us to understand that how he was feeling on the inside.
0 (7m 54s):
This is all subconscious, but he wanted us to understand how he was feeling on the inside and in hopes of us helping him to feel better on the inside. He wanted us to help him figure out how to feel better because ultimately all humans want to feel good in our bodies. And when we feel badly on the inside, when we feel frustrated, when we feel anxious, when we have all of this unprocessed emotion and we’re lacking skills to feel better, we often let other people know that we need their help through our actions, not our words, especially little kids. So when we’re lacking those communication skills, we let other people know, and our kids let us know through their behavior.
0 (8m 41s):
To all behavior is communication. They are trying to tell us some, I don’t feel good in my body right now and lacking skills to feel better. I would like you to help me like that’s, that’s what I wish I would have realized. So if he could have expressed himself, right, if he could have expressed why he was feeling the need to whine and, and how frustrated he was feeling on the inside, what he would have said was, Hey mom and dad, I have a sensitive, nervous system. I’m a, HSP a highly Sensitive perfect person.
0 (9m 21s):
And what this really means is that the world is about a million times more stimulating for me than it is for you. And as a five-year-old, since the emotional part of my brain is way more developed than my thinking brain. I only know how to express system overload by whining and melting down. And, and he would have said like, if he could have said this, he would have said, please help me. Please help me develop my lacking skills by understanding that I need to decompress. I need to learn how to breathe properly, to calm down my nervous system.
0 (10m 2s):
And I have a high need for even more sleep and better nutrition than the average kid. Like I literally go to school for an entire day and the, and everything overstimulates me in a way that it doesn’t, you know, the other 80% of the there’s 80% of the population who are don’t have a sensitive nervous system. And there was 20% that do. And so these kids, the strong-willed kids, the majority of them have a sensitive, nervous system. And they just take in stimuli in a much more intense way than the other 80% of the population.
0 (10m 41s):
So, you know, he would have told me these things, if you could. And if I had known, then what I know now, I would have known how to, what I call Q-tip quit taking it personally. And I would have realized that being a good mom to him didn’t mean throwing an amazing birthday party or being on the PTO at school necessarily. It would have looked like doing more things for myself so that I could be the calmest, most present version of, of myself to increase my patience and curiosity, to help him figure out how to feel better in his body. And the bottom line is that to be a good parent too, a strong-willed kid really looks like less, is more like less stimuli for the kids when their systems are overtaxed and less traditional good mom Resume box checking for us when you’ve got a strong willed kid and they are wining or melting down consistently their trying to tell you, this is how I feel on the inside.
0 (11m 49s):
I feel frustrated. I want you to feel frustrated so that hopefully you can help me. You can understand how I’m feeling, and somehow you can help me to feel better because I’m just a human and I really just want to feel better. And if I had the tools to feel better, I would do that. But I don’t, I’m lacking those tools. So if you identify with any of this and if your, like how I was, where it was like, Oh, this just isn’t making sense. I’m doing all the things, but I think we still have this tension filled household. I’m just here to say I get it. I’ve been there. And, and that’s why I’m so passionate about putting out the podcast and the work I do in the world and teaching my Mastermind parenting programs is because they’re is a better way to understand these kids, to get curious, and to teach them those lacking skills and define the right resources to help them, you know, how to help them manage all of the big emotions they’re having in their body, that they don’t know how to express in a healthier, calmer way.
0 (13m 5s):
Like they want to feel better. They want to learn these better coping strategies. And so if you identify with any of this, I just really encourage you to continue working on this, continue learning how to change the conversation in your home, continue learning how to help your child with those lacking skills. And those are really the boxes we want to check off on our good parent Resume. So I hope that you have a fantastic week. And so if you found something in this podcast, helpful to support you, to support your family in creating a happier household. And if you’d like to learn more, I encourage you to reach out to me and you can email me at Randi at Randi Rubenstein dot com.
0 (13m 53s):
That’s R a N D I Randi at Randi Rubenstein dot com. Okay, bye. Now,
1 (13m 58s):
Hey, podcast listeners, if you identify with having a strong-willed kid and you’re ready to start taking action, because enough, this is not enough. Walking around on eggshells constantly is getting all of those mumbled one word answers based on their irritable mood everyday in the car after school, go ahead and download the free resource that I made for you to start taking action immediately and creating a happier household it’s Mastermind Parenting dot com forward slash Free Guide to start taking action today.