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Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.
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You’re listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode 47. Hey, podcast listeners. If you happen to have a strong-willed kid who is kind of pushing everyone of your buttons lately, I have a resource for you. I made you guys a free guide where you’re going to get some tools and tips and strategies to quickly get on the road to creating a happier household. I know you’re pulling your hair out. I wanted to make you something so you can start giving some quick wins and building some momentum. So if you want to grab your copy, just go to Mastermind Parenting dot com forward slash Free Guide and I hope you enjoyed it.
My name’s Randi Rubenstein and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast where we believe when your thoughts grow the conversation’s in your home flow.
So today’s episode is three Tips to Raise Responsible Kids and I wanna kick it off by telling you about a mom that called me recently, who called and she was telling me she has two teenage daughters and a husband, and she was incredibly frustrated and said, you know, I’m really annoyed with everyone of my family. I’ve had enough. My kids do not help my husband. He’s a great guy, but he doesn’t help around the house. And they just all expect me to do everything, to remind them of everything, to do everything.
0 (1m 41s):
And you know, these girls, one of them is already off at college and, and she’s back home right now for winter break. And so she’s kind of grown and flown. And I don’t know how she manages her life at college because she comes home and she doesn’t lift a finger or do anything. And for instance, you know, I don’t have toddlers and I make dinner and nobody sets the table and nobody cleans up and no one offers to help me make dinner. No one is like, they think I work for them.
0 (2m 22s):
And, and, and she said, you know, and I have a housekeeper and they just expect the housekeeper to do everything for them. And it’s just, you know, I don’t know how they’re gonna manage out in the world. And I’m frankly, I’m nervous. Like, I think that I have, you know, I, I missed the boat somewhere. So she was beating herself up a bit as a mom. And she was incredibly frustrated and annoyed. And the bottom line was, was she said, she just, she said, you know, I really haven’t minded doing all the things.
0 (3m 4s):
I just wish that they appreciated me more. I wish that they didn’t all act so entitled. And I, and so I instantly said to her, I said, Oh, you have a case of being too good of a mom. And she laughed. And she said, well, that’s a nice way to put it. And I said, you don’t look at, came from the best of intentions. You did all the things and you did it, you chose to do it. And she says, you know, I’m a been a stay at home mom. And I chose this role and I was fortunate enough that I had the choice. And now I have, I live in this family where I feel like they just all expect me to do everything and I’m the head up.
0 (3m 55s):
So I said, yeah, you had a case of, you know, you did all of the things and now you want them to step up to the plate and to help out. And to just know that that’s something they should do. But the thing is, you train them to expect you to do all the things. And when we do this, we get fed up and we go into what she was in at the time, martyr motherhood, where we’re super frustrated and we were super annoyed. And we think that they should know how to do more and to appreciate us. But the pattern has been the pattern for many years.
0 (4m 35s):
And when we do all of the things without allowing them too, to try and make me to do things, not as good as us, like I said, I said, let me, let me ask a question. I said, Do they make their own beds? And she said, well, I tried to have them make their own beds at one point, but you know, I’m a control freak, and I’m super, and I like, my house is set up a certain way and I’m a super neat freak. And so they never made it as good as I wanted it made. And so I just would go and, you know, make it after them or have the housekeeper make it after them, instead of leaving it, you know, made in this kind of imperfect way.
0 (5m 17s):
And I said, yeah, the problem with that is that then they, they were like, well, I might as well, not even try because mom’s is just going to come in after me and remake it. Oh, well. And so that perfectionistic quality basically trained them not to do the things. And so now at the 11th hour to all of a sudden expect them to do the things when that’s not the way its been done, it’s just an unrealistic expectation. So I said, so, so it was pretty simple. You just have to break the cycle. And so she was like, okay, how do I do that? And I said, before you have a conversation, right before you even start having a productive conversation with them to break the cycle, you’ve got to first, Own your role in creating this pattern, right?
0 (6m 9s):
Like you had the best of intentions and we teach people how to treat us and what to expect from us. So you have the best of intentions. Do you want it to be the best mom ever? You wanted to handle all the things and to have the dinner made and to sit down as a family and to have this, you know, super beautiful home, that felt like a, a sanctuary for everyone. And you knew they were going out to your husband to work outside the home and, and your kids to school. And you wanted them to come home and to have some more beautiful and peaceful. And as a mom, that was always there. Like you have the best of intentions, except for you.
0 (6m 52s):
Didn’t train them to step up to the play. You didn’t give them the opportunity to be valuable team members, right? Like when our kids are little and they make their bed and they, and it’s bumpy and lumpy and all that stuff. And we, and we said to them, wow, I walked around and everyone’s beds made and the clothes on the dirty clothes. And you guys did all, all the things to keep your room neat. Like that shows that we take pride in our home. That’s what we’re working. So great together, where to go write when you do that with your kids, especially when they’re a little, they get to feel a sense of accomplishment.
0 (7m 35s):
And they beam with pride. It’s just like a, when you teach to teach them to put the toys away where they go and you say, look, could you, you put all the toys exactly where they go to the next time you want to play with them and you’ll know exactly where to find him and our house looks so neat. And that shows that we really appreciate this beautiful home we get to live in. That’s awesome. Where such a great team or such a great family and you, and so you start doing that and it might sound a little hokey, but when your kids are little and you, I mean, I’m telling you, they beam with pride. So when we’ve done, when we’ve done everything to make it so easy for them, and we were like, why have the time?
0 (8m 16s):
Or this is the role I chose. And we do all those things. We actually deny them that feeling of accomplishment. We deny them that opportunity to step up and be a valuable team player and team member. And so then they get to the teenage hood and we all know what happens during the teenage hood. Like they’ve, it’s never been part of their repertoire. And so they don’t even know how to do it. So to expect your teenager to all of a sudden, just proactively step up to the plate, when that just isn’t the way it’s ever been done, it’s just unrealistic. So owning your role in creating the pattern is super important just in your own mind.
0 (8m 57s):
So you can get out of blaming mode and you can get into, okay, like self-awareness mode. And this mom was really, she was actually very receptive to this and she immediately she’s like, yeah, I totally did that. And I was like, awesome. You know, your, your self aware. And so you can own that role in your own mind before you even start to have the conversation with them. And that’s super important. I said, secondly, we’ve got to learn to Lean out. Like this is the term. You know, we, as women, we need to lean in more lean into the conversation as moms. There is, there are a lot of times we need to lean out.
0 (9m 37s):
So when they ask us where such, when their frantic in the morning, where’s my shoes, where’s my backpack. I can find this. I can’t find that play. You don’t know. And walk away, allow them to experience the natural consequences of being frantic and late and unprepared, right? That they forgot the, the, their homework and, and their calling you from school. Don’t take it, allow them to experience a natural consequence by leaning out and allow the situation to resolve or not to resolve, allow them to run late, be a crazy basket case and freak out and remember, you know, manage your own mind in that where that natural consequence is going to be the best teacher and help them improve future behavior because no one wants to feel that way.
0 (10m 39s):
And when you’ve, when you experience that enough, you learn to get your stuff together and be, have systems and be more prepared because you don’t want to experience that crazy anxiety and stress. And so a natural consequence, I promise you is so much more effective as a teacher than our words. And so lastly, Stop fixing and solving and lecturing, right? Like that the natural consequences, the teacher and our lecturing words is not, they are not helpful and us running and doing all of the things. All it does is end with us having teenagers or grown children who don’t know how to do anything, who are just used to everything being solved and fixed, and aren’t resilient, right?
0 (11m 28s):
Like when life throws them a curve ball, or they have no clue how to buckle down and handle it themselves. Cause they’re used to too good of a mom or to go to a dad to good a parent. So the last piece is, is simply empathize by listening, being a sounding board and allow your kids to find their own solutions. As, I mean, you can ask, how can I help? How can I help? They’re running around frantic crazy. Where’s that guy, where’s my shoes a little off. And you just have to go to like, I have no idea. And you sit and you wait and they are, and you’re letting it resolve your bedding. Them, look for the shoes. And you’re letting them look for the shoes.
0 (12m 9s):
And there are still not finding, there are still not finding and there are not finding, you can see, you can look at them and you can calmly say after they have really been looking themselves. So you can say, how can I help you? And if they’re like, how can we find the shoes? You’re like, absolutely. And so then you start to look too, but don’t jump into the, how I can help. How can I help until you have truly leaned out, allowed them to experience some of the natural consequence and then you show up supportively, how can I help you? Don’t just take it upon yourself to do it. Wait for them to actually ask you to help before you jump in to help.
0 (12m 52s):
So those are the three Tips, Own your role. Lean out. Stop fixing those three tips are gonna help your kids to be so much more responsible and so much more resilient. Hope you have a great week. Bye bye.
1 (13m 10s):
Hey, podcast, listeners. If you’re ready to take this learning to the next level and get some accountability and some handholding, I encourage you to schedule a call with me and hop on my calendar and to do that. All you need to do is go to Randi Rubenstein dot com slash discovery. That’s Randi Rubenstein dot com forward slash discovery. Can’t wait to connect
0 (13m 35s):