- Is parenting innate?
- The Parent Gap defined
- Why our kids push our buttons and what’s really going on
- Why we feel so damn guilty as parents
- Why we repeat patterns
- How to change your family’s legacy
- The future for our kids
- Shy kiddos
- Why we are so affected when our kids have similar struggles to ones we experienced as kids
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About Randi Rubenstein
Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.
She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.
At Mastermind Parenting, we believe every human deserves to have a family that gets along.
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You’re listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode 52. Hey, podcast listeners. If you happened to have a strong-willed kid who is kind of pushing everyone of your buttons lightly, I have a resource for you. I made you guys a free guide where you’re going to get some tools and tips and strategies to quickly get on the road to creating a happier household. I know you’re pulling your hair out. I wanted to make you something so you can start getting some quick wins and building some momentum. So if you want to grab your copy, just go to Mastermind Parenting dot com forward slash Free Guide and I hope you enjoyed it.
My name’s Randi Rubenstein and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast where we believe when your thoughts grow the conversations in your home flow.
Well, hi guys, how are you today? I wanted to make you a Podcast with some excerpts from a recent workshop. I did that. I think you guys will find helpful. There’s three different clips here. And if you happen to be a parent that has a Shy child, I think you’re really going to like the second clip. I know a lot of people, a lot of us, we say we just, we get so worried about how our kids are doing socially. And I was, I related a story of a mom that I talked to recently, who was just really worried about her daughter, who was Shy.
0 (1m 39s):
And so if you were Shy or if you happened to have a Shy child, I think that you’re really going to connect with this episode and there’s two other clips. And I just really, I think it’s just some good teaching, not to toot my own horn, but I’m kind of tooting my own horn when I, when I listen back too, it just, you’re going to have to just pretend there’s not a little tiny bit of background noise. Just know that I did the best I could, but I wanted to record this w these workshops, because I just don’t want to listen back and, and see what I could do better or do differently. And there really wasn’t a good teaching and this workshop. And so The, cause you just never know, you never know exact, like I had come in with like a shell and an outline and I know what I want to get accomplished, but I just never totally know what story is going to pop out of my mouth or exactly how I’m going to explain something this time.
0 (2m 32s):
And so some of you that listened back and I’m like, Ooh, I like the way I explain that. That makes a lot, a lot of sense. I think that if people are going to connect with that, so there were a few concepts here and I like the way that I explained it. And I think that you guys will find it helpful. And ultimately this Workshop was titled, why are kids push our buttons and what we can do about it probably wasn’t titled with exactly that, but it was something about kids pushing our, and so if you have kids that frequently push her buttons, just know I, I, I created this Workshop specifically for this issue. You’re not alone. I think many of us, I think every human Parent, I don’t know that there’s a non-core yeah, there are a non-human parents, but every human Parent that I know of gets triggered and can identify with our kids, pushing our buttons.
0 (3m 25s):
So if you have kids that push your buttons on the reg, I think they’re going to connect with this. Podcast so enjoy it.
1 (3m 34s):
But I believe that Parenting is something that we think is supposed to be innate and natural. And when we have these kids that are pushing our buttons and we find ourselves in what I call the parent gap, which is the gap between the parent you want to be, and the Parent you are during the real life moments, right? Like that’s the universe rising up to meet you and to say it’s time to learn some new tools and yes, motherhood and that maternal, fierce love and instinct. It is in a way it is. We all know it is.
1 (4m 15s):
And in our modern world, there are things that we can learn that help us evolve to a place that our parents didn’t know about. Most of our parents didn’t know about. And I think this is just part of the human condition. I think this is what you were meant to do. Do we are meant to be willing to be vulnerable and courageous enough to go and learn new tools so that we can say, I don’t know everything. I don’t know how to handle this, but I do know that I don’t want to be yelling at my child and seeing that look on their face and feeling like we’re on opposing teams, it doesn’t feel that feels unnatural.
1 (4m 59s):
That’s why we feel guilty about it later because we know it’s not supposed to be that way, but our brains have been programmed in a very specific way because people didn’t know different and the world was a different place back then. And as we are raising these kids who literally, we don’t even know the careers they’re going to have, like the future is, is we, our world is changing on a more rapid pace than ever before in the history of mankind. So like they are going to create their own jobs. We don’t know what the future holds. And so we have to be willing to learn how to do this differently because our kids are the future change makers and innovators and thought leaders.
1 (5m 49s):
And we can not have them come in to adulthood from a broken place. So I love getting to talk with parents at the stage that you guys are, because it’s like, you really have the ability to change your children’s trajectory just by being willing to learn something new. So I applaud you guys for being here. I applied You people for listening or tuning in from the comfort of your car or, or your bed, because it takes, you know, it could be watching Netflix or the today show or going into having coffee with your friends. And you’re here. You are the kind of parents that listen to something that helps you to learn something new.
1 (6m 30s):
So I think it’s a beautiful thing. And I just wanna recognize and acknowledge all of you for being here. Okay. So I want to tell you guys about a mom. I talked to recently and I issued, she hopped on my calendar and I, I have some things for you guys to fill out. So after we, after I talked to you guys today, if anyone is like, Oh my gosh, I need this lady to help me just to know, you can fill out this thing. You can get in touch with me and we’ll hop on the phone, just like I did with this mom. I talked to the other day. So she fills out this questionnaire. And the reason I have her fill out the questionnaire is because as I told you guys, like, I feel like I’m so excited. I will, anytime I get with you guys, I want to be able to just like, get to the meat of the issue.
1 (7m 13s):
So a lot of times you hop on the phone, it’s like 45 minutes later before I find out the immediate the issue. But if I have to fill out something, we hop on the phone and I, I kind of know what it is. So we hop on the phone and the thing that stuck out to me was she was telling us she had a five-year-old kindergartner and two year old twins. And she said, if I had to describe the main issue, it’s that my five-year-old daughter, she’s very shy. And she really liked when we go to birthday parties, she just wants to stay with me. She just wants to stay close. Yeah. And I knew that was the main issue. What are you guys are learning here today?
1 (7m 54s):
So you’re going to leave here. I’m going to be like, yes, this is great. I’m totally using all of these things in these tools. Okay. And the problem is, is that 95% of the time, the place from where we operate is not the part of our brain that takes over. So in the information that you are taking in here today, because all the information that you’re taking in here today, it goes to your conscious brain, goes to your thinking brain. And it’s our subconscious brain that comes online about 95% of the time. So the innate part of us that is a Parent and the reason why we get so triggered when our kids push, push our buttons, the innate part really has to do with our survival state.
1 (8m 48s):
And we go into a state of fight or flight. And that’s really like from the, from that primal part of our brain from like when we were cave people, and really that’s a part of our brain have protected us when there was a tiger in the jungle. And you had to like be on the lookout to make sure that tiger wasn’t going to attack you or your cave. People are a little cage children, right. And in our modern world, sometimes those tigers are whining, little tiny tigers. And we go into a state of fight or flight that’s when we’re in a triggered state.
1 (9m 27s):
And it’s very primal for us as human as humans. Okay. And that is your subconscious brain. That’s, that’s what happens when you’re in the Parent Gap and that’s why we find ourselves doing all the things we swore we were never going to do. I’m never going to yell at my kids. I’m never, you know, and we go to that place because unfortunately we think, you know, as humans, we’re always scanning our environment for something that could be wrong. That’s what comes natural for us. That’s why, so often we go to that negative place. Like any time I say to people, what do you want?
1 (10m 9s):
Why don’t we want, I’m sick of this. It’s easy to point out all the things that are negative. And we do that really as a protective measure, right? This is the cool thing about being evolved. Humans. I mean, as we’ve evolved, like our brains have increased tremendously in size. So as we’ve evolved, what we’ve learned is that we can reprogram our subconscious brain. We can reprogram all of the programs that we received as little tiny people. And it all starts with awareness.
1 (10m 50s):
So today what I’m teaching you. Okay. And some of the things that you may have heard before, I’m really just trying to heighten your awareness today because that’s what it all change starts. And as your awareness becomes heightened, you’re curiosity does two. And so I just want y’all to know I’m going to take you through a series of exercises to show you what comes next. After the awareness stage, how are we actually reprogram our brains and become the parents? We want to be no matter what our kids are doing, it doesn’t matter if they’re whining.
1 (11m 31s):
It doesn’t matter if they’re pushing. EVERY like, they’re not pushing our buttons anymore because we have learned how to master our minds so that we can actually help them. Because little kids live in their emotional brains. They live, their subconscious brains are being programmed right now. And so that’s why they’re so quick to get the meltdown and what to go to all these places. Like there are not developmentally there yet where they can really think rationally when they’re hungry and tired. So we started taking it where we stopped taking it. Personally, we started making all these behaviors that are totally new, normal about disrespect and about all these things that have to do with us when they don’t have to do with this.
1 (12m 17s):
And then we start to effectively teach them the tools to help their developing brains develop and the best way possible. Okay. So this mom that came to me. Okay. I knew Shy was the word. She wrote it, all this stuff. And I said to her, let me ask you a quick question. She says, yeah. I said, well, you described as a Shy child. She said, I was, how did you know? And I said, I dunno, I just had a hunch. Yeah. She said, I said, did you wear you proud of that?
1 (12m 59s):
And she said, well, not particularly. And then she quickly went into, but you know, I mean, it wasn’t the most popular kid, but I always had a friend or two and it was fine. And you know, no, I was like, I get it. You’re a grownup. You’re doing fine. You’re doing that just fine. Right. I said, and when the word Shy is used, or have you ever heard, so for her to use it in a positive connotation ever, she said, no. I said exactly. I said, people think that when you used it, the word trauma, it has to be something big and major. And I said this to the woman yesterday on the plane. I said, the word trauma is like something you’ve been through.
1 (13m 41s):
I said that the truth of the matter is, is as humans, we’ve all gone through these little microtraumas in our life. And as humans, we all have this need to belong. It’s literally on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. It’s like right on that food shelter, water, belonging, community. When you are doing described as the Shy child, did you feel like you belonged? And she said quite often not. And I said, tell me a little bit about your family. So well, I was the youngest, my two older siblings, and they were foreign five years older than me. And they were really outgoing and I was quieter.
1 (14m 21s):
And I said, <inaudible> and did you feel like you fit in with your siblings? She said, not particularly. I said, exactly. You didn’t even necessarily feel like you belong in your own family. And then when you went out into the world and you have to stick close to your mom, you weren’t sure where you fit in. She said, that’s true. I said, in your brain wants to tell you right now, it’s fine. Yeah. And I turned out fine. When you see your daughter go through moments that remind you of the brain of painful moments that you went through, you experience that lack of belonging, those little microtraumas all over again.
1 (15m 7s):
And she said, that’s true. That’s absolutely true. I never thought about it. And I said, we don’t think about it. But usually the things about are kids that trigger for us the most are the things we’re worried about the most about them. Somehow it reminds our brains of a time in our lives that felt painful your podcast listeners. If you are ready to take this learning to the next level and get some accountability and some handholding, I encourage you to schedule a call with me and hop on my calendar and to do that. All you need to do is go to Randi Rubenstein dot com slash discovery.
1 (15m 52s):
That’s Randi Rubenstein dot com forward slash discovery. Can’t wait to connect with you.