- Mom Judgment
- “Common Enemy Intimacy” a theory by Brene Brown
- Which kids turn out better?
- Looking at judgment (Judgment Detox book by Gabby Bernstein)
- Making a choice to work or stay at home that is aligned with what you REALLY want
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Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.
She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.
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You’re listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode 54. My name’s Randi Rubenstein and welcome to the Mastermind. Parenting Podcast where we believe when your thoughts gro the conversations in your home flow. Hey guys, I’ve got a good topic today that I want to talk to you about. I had a mom recently say to me, she said, I love it when people are like, okay, let me ask you something off the record. And I’m like, when have I ever censored myself? Like, you can ask me on the record, but this mom, she was like, okay, so Working, Mom vs.
Stay at home mom. Like Which, Kids honestly it turn out better in your opinion. And, and so this is a major career mom with a super successful business. Who’s in a position that she could potentially take some time off or take a hiatus or a sabbatical, or just quit working for a while. Maybe it quit working indefinitely. And so she’s trying to make a decision based on like Which decision will be, will affect my kids the best. So that’s what this podcast is about, because my off the record is really gonna be on the record.
0 (1m 27s):
Ah, and I thought I would just make a podcast about it. So, you know, I think it’s very interesting to look at what’s playing in here for this mom and I think for most moms, and I really think it has to do with mom Judgment so there are so much layered nuanced Mom Judgment mommy competition, and everybody judging each other, judging ourselves. Like there’s a lot of Judgment on the scene. And as we all know, like it sucks to feel judged. It’s when we feel like we’re, we’re being judged. That’s when we that’s, when we lose it, that’s when we find ourselves in the parent gap, that’s when we start to like, have that controlling behavior, we, and we power struggle with our kids and it just never ends out.
0 (2m 21s):
It just never ends up as well. And so I think it’s interesting and I’ve been studying Judgment for the last year. It’s interesting what some of the things that I have found and it’s that, and that I’ve learned about Judgment because look, I’ve been there in many, many, many times in my life judging other people. And so it feels crummy to be judged. And so it feels momentarily better. A lot of times when we judge or the people, but ultimately it ends up feeling bad to judge other people too. Like you’ve done it where you are judging someone else and you’re talking about them and maybe in the mid in the moment and it kind of feels justified and it kinda feels good.
0 (3m 6s):
And maybe even you bond with another person over at Which Brenae Brown calls that Common Enemy, Intimacy like bonding to people, bonding and connecting over their opinion, their negative opinion, their bad mouthing of someone else. And so one of the things that I have learned about Judgment is that we tend to judge the thing we are most insecure about. Y’all I know you all are not going to like this. I didn’t like learning this either. I was like, what are you talking about? And then when I dug in and I was like, I mean, all I want to do right now is to give you guys a big F-bomb, but I don’t want to have an explicit rating on this podcast.
0 (3m 48s):
So I’m not just know that there is an F bomb in my brain right now where I’m like, Oh, I know I don’t want to look in the mirror on this. I don’t want to admit that the exact thing I’m judging that person about is something that I feel insecure about. Like, nobody wants to admit that. So let me give you an example of it in what I’ve learned. And yeah, I know y’all, we might be in a fight for 10 minutes in here. I might want to touch me in the face about this, but just bear with me for a sec and know that I kind of want to punch myself in the face for even realizing this. So let’s say you are looking to justify your own choice, but deep down, you’re not feeling fully confident.
0 (4m 32s):
So you look for examples of people doing it a little worse, then you have to make yourself feel superficially better. So we tend to judge other people on things that we feel insecure about. So we’re looking for examples of people that are screwing it up just a little bit more than we are. And, and it’s because we want to feel better about it. But deep down, especially this parenting thing, like it’s layered, it’s complicated. I say it’s like talking about sex and money is talking about Parenting. I think everyone knows this is our most important role.
0 (5m 13s):
No one wants to screw up their kids. I, you have these kids and you were introduced to this concept of loving someone more than you love yourself. Right? Like we love them so much. It hurts. It doesn’t mean we always like, but we love, and we know a little, like we got one shot we’re raising and people joke. They’re like, Oh my God, I’m just saving up for their therapy fund. But deep down, no one wants to think that later on in life, your kids are going to come back and be like, you screwed up this way and this way in this way and this way, or maybe you think about us the way we might think about our appearance. Like no one wants to be that person. So we know we’re raising humans.
0 (5m 55s):
This is a very big job. It might feel overwhelming. And so everyone’s a little bit insecure about it. I think that’s where the Mom Judgment comes from. So what I’m going to give both perspectives here. Okay. And just bear with me, you guys for a little bit. So the stay at home moms that bad mouth, the working moms for not volunteering at school, right? Like where is she? Why is no one doing it? You know, we have to do everything around here are ridiculous. Why do they even have kids that are out there never helping out? Right. So that’s the banter going on, let’s say so that Mom whose bad mouth in the working moms who aren’t able, or, or, or haven’t offered to do any of the volunteering while she might be struggling with feeling guilty that, yeah, the guilty that she is secretly addicted to her phone or something else.
0 (6m 50s):
And not really spending that quality time with her kids that she claims or the Post’s that she puts it out on Facebook. So she knows she lives with herself and she might no, like I have chosen this role to stay at home. I act like this is I’m really present and engaged in. This is so much about quality time, but secretly she knows if she’s been on the phone all day, if she’s been having her kids in front of screens all day, she’s been in front of her own screen and there hasn’t been any real connection. And she feels guilty as hell about that. She’s like, I chose this and I don’t even think I’m doing a good job. And so she wants to make herself feel superficially better by pointing out all the moms that aren’t doing as much as her, you know, at least she volunteers at school.
0 (7m 37s):
So she’s really trying to stroke her own ego and justify and make herself feel better for the fact that she knows that she’s not quite as present as she claims to be. Okay. So on the other end of the spectrum, there is the working mom that talks about how incredibly bored she would be as a stay at home mom, you know? And so she might be struggling with how guilty she feels that her work is actually her escape and that she uses it as a way to numb and check out. And that she’s feeling disconnected in her marriage and her home life.
0 (8m 18s):
So she pulls out the I’m so successful card as a way to superficially feel superior because she feels deep down that she’s failing as a mom and it’s killing her. And she’s lonely. She is lonely. She is constantly needing to feel like she’s killing it at work because it’s killing her. That she feels disconnected from her most important relationships. And she knows that she’s, you know, a workaholic and, and using her work as a way to escape from her life, right? Or this there’s the stay at home moms that feel sorry for the kids that are always being looked after by a babysitter than a parent, less their hearts, no wonder they’re acting out.
0 (9m 0s):
I mean, I haven’t seen their mom drop them off in days, right? So she is probably a closet yelling maniac, the stay-at-home mom, and she feels inadequate. And she worries that she’s royally screwing up her kids, but she knows how much she is yelling at home. She knows she’s driving them to all of the things and doing all of the things that make her look like the world’s greatest mom, but she knows all of that is for nothing. If she’s screaming and ruining their self-worth right. And self-confidence, if she’s screaming behind closed doors and they see there’s just so much tension in a home and she’s like, like there’s nobody likes each other.
0 (9m 45s):
So she’s looking for evidence as to why having a bad tempered mom is better. At least you have, at least you’re not being raised by a babysitter. See? So we’re constantly, we’re judging the other person when it’s something that deep down we feel insecure about, or maybe it’s the working mom who makes spot of a stay at home on volunteers rather than appreciating their hard work by pointing out that they must have no life. She, you know, she’ll say something like that. I mean, I work, I don’t have time to spend my mornings up at school. Those moms are probably those moms are probably up. They’re just bugging the crap out of the teachers. They need to get a life. So that working mom, that’s passing judgment on the stay at home moms who were volunteering too much.
0 (10m 31s):
Right. And that’s benefiting her and her kids here. Or you’ve got moms up at school, probably chaperoning field trips and serving hot lunch and doing all of the things. And most of the moms I’ve seen volunteering up at school. They’re sweet. They’re kind, they’re not just all about their kids. They’re playing mommy to lots of other people’s kids. So there are a lot of times they’re bringing back that it takes a village. And so the mom who’s like, yeah, they need to get alive. Well, she’s probably bored out of her mind in her job. And she dreams of the care free day. She thinks exists and stay at home mom land, but she feels financially strapped and unable to quit or make a move.
0 (11m 11s):
So she rips apart the choice to stay at home. Right. So my answer to that Mom that says like, Which, Kids, Turn, Out Better is best. So I know you all are like, and now I have like pissed off all the working moms and all the stay at home moms by talking about these things that nobody wants to cop to, none of us do, none of us want a cop do this stuff. This is hard stuff. And so my answer to that Mom is I have been both a stay at home mom, super volunteer, and a working mom. Who’s super grateful for my stay at home. Mom, volunteer friends who put in the extra time as, as those school, daytime mommies, right?
0 (11m 55s):
Like I’ve been on both ends personally. My choice for me, I’m a much happier version of myself now as a working mom, then I was years ago. So the choice for me, for me is that I think my kids are benefiting from this version, right? The current may version, which is the Working Mom vs. However, however, my friend Valorie has always been a stay at home. Mom, proud, stay at home mom, and she’s a superstar volunteer. She is so incredibly fulfilled and amazing. And she like, she is an amazing human being.
0 (12m 38s):
I can’t tell you how many kids she mother’s in her daily life. So happily, and not in a way of like stroking our own ego or trying to make show up any other moms. She does it from such a heart centered place. And her kids now are her. Her girls are junior and, and college and a senior in high school. And they have absolutely thrived by being raised by a full-time stay-at-home mom. She’s so proud of it to nothing. You know, nothing to prove no ego. She is just born to be a nurture and a mom and she’s does a beautiful job.
0 (13m 20s):
So I think the real answer about Which Kids Turn Out Better is that the kids being raised by the mom, who’s feeling good about our choice that too. And so if you find yourself feeling judgemental of other moms Choice’s to stay at home or to work outside the home, I invite you to look in the mirror and to get honest, like what’s coming up for you and then be willing to have the courage to make a change because life’s too short, not to be truly happy, happy, it’s it really is like, you got to go get it, get a job, quit your job changed your job, make a different choice. If you desire it deep down ’cause you deserve that.
0 (14m 1s):
You deserve to make a choice. That feels right for you. Not for anyone else for you in your willingness, to be honest, and to choose the life that feels best for you. That is the right choice. So I’ll tell you that kids benefit the most by being raised by a mom that’s pursuing her own dream life. And that dream wife might not be impressive to anyone other than the people that are reaping the wards rewards of being raised by a happy Mom. So feeling good about your life in your choice.
0 (14m 43s):
That is the right answer, really feeling good about your life and your choice is the right answer. And I’m byte you guys any time you find yourself sitting in judgment of another Mom. This is so hard to do is ask yourself, what’s coming up for me. What’s coming up for me. Why am I judging her? And what’s coming up for me. Okay, guys, that’s what I have for you. I know this is probably pretty controversial for some of you. And that’s what I’ve got a real combo, honest conversations.
0 (15m 23s):
I think us truly facing our truths and being willing to look at ourselves in the mirror, getting, getting very, very honest, honestly, that is what is going to benefit our kids, our families, the absolute most. Okay. Have a great week. Bye bye.
1 (15m 47s):
Hey, podcast listeners. If you happen to have a strong-willed kid who is kind of pushing everyone in your buttons lately, I’m a resource for you. I made you guys a free guide where you’re going to get some tools and tips and strategies to quickly get on the road to creating a happier household. I know you’re pulling your hair out. I wanted to make you something so he could start getting some quick wins and building some momentum. So if you want to grab your coffee, just go to Mastermind Parenting dot com forward slash Free Guide and you enjoy it.