- Strong-willed kids and what’s really going on with the dictator dance
- Shame/Blame/Vulnerability based on the work of Brene Brown
- Power struggles and what’s really going on
- Mastermind Parenting Pillar: All behavior is communication
- Dr. Ross Greene – “Kids do well if they can.”
- Ineffective Parenting
- Marie Forleo – “Everything is figure-out-able”
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About Randi Rubenstein
Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.
She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.
At Mastermind Parenting, we believe every human deserves to have a family that gets along.
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You’re listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode 56. My name is Randi Rubenstein and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast where we believe when your thoughts grow the conversations in your home flow. Well, hi guys, welcome to the podcast this week. I have an interesting topic today, especially for all you listeners who have a strong willed kiddo, which I know that that’s a lot of you. I have parents that describe their Strong load kiddos to me every single day.
Like I hear a lots of interchangeable scenarios about violent for a day or 14 year olds who have super aggressive and even been violent meltdowns. And always there’s a little something the parent says or a way of alluding to the belief that they think that their kid is different. Like I’ve never seen anything even close to the severity of their child’s anger. I think though, there, and then quickly they’ll go. But I mean, you know, it’s not like this all the time, just some of the time. And so its almost like a talking it out of both sides of their mouth and it’s interesting to me.
0 (1m 28s):
Right? It’s very interesting to me because I think that it’s always a sign where I know there’s more to what more to it than what they’re telling me. And I know there’s a lot of Shame for that. That’s that’s deep within the parent where they’re kind of going to a place where there’s Blame right. So what they, what their shameful about like deep down deep, deep down, because wherever there’s Blame I know that there are Shame so it’s like, you know my kids Different. Oh, but trust me, I haven’t seen This. I mean, there are not like this all the time.
0 (2m 9s):
Like that’s why whenever there are Shame involved it’s it’s like we talk out of both sides of our mouth. We say say a little bit, if something that might be some truth, but then the same time we say something that negates it out of the other side of our mouth and its a lot of mixed confusing messages. So I always know there’s more to the story than what the parent is actually telling me. And so I think it’s that with this situation where it’s like, Oh wait, you haven’t seen my kid. I mean, trust me, there are not like that all the time, but really you haven’t seen my kid, but I mean there, you know like at school there perfect, its just, when they come home, it’s not for anyone else but us, but Whoa, can it be that?
0 (2m 49s):
Oh my gosh. And you should see it. You should see. Or with their younger siblings. So there is a lot of this dance of talking out of both sides of the mouth and deep down. I know that parent, cause I’ve been there, I’ve lived it. That parent is beating themselves up a little bit that it’s gotten this out of control and it’s painful to admit that, right? Like you’re the parent, you’re the one that it was supposed to be in charge. You’re the one who is setting the tone for the households when the behavior has become violent and aggressive and everyone’s walking on eggshells and there’s a lot, a lot of tension, ultimately we’re like, all right, something’s clearly out of control here at night.
0 (3m 30s):
Well clearly I’m not doing it right. And it’s painful to admit that to ourselves. Even when we think it deep down, we don’t want to hear that spoken out loud because especially in our culture, our culture loves to play the blame game loves it. So the parent that worries that deep down they’re to blame, even though most people don’t admit this, write it out loud or even to yourself because you know, because we live in this Blame filled culture. It’s really the Blame thing. It’s really destructive for you guys. And it’s so easy for us to do to blame ourselves as deep down.
0 (4m 12s):
It’s really unfortunate because the Blame also often gets transferred to the Kid because the parent can’t bare to admit that their child’s anger is intensifying Do to Ineffective Parenting really, no one wants to admit that first thing that most of us do, we are sending them to this resource and that resource I’ve I’ve met up with parents who have tried so many different resources and therapists and strategies and things. And look, I love a lot of those resources, but as I say to everyone, the absolute first place that you start is at home. That’s where they are the majority of the time.
0 (4m 53s):
That’s where you are. That’s the only place you truly have control is the way you’re managing this situation. Are you, if you are and what you’re doing, their results are lots of attention, lots of eggshells, lots of unhappiness. Then we’ve got to find more effective strategies. That’s always the first line of defense. That’s where we began. So the parent begins to believe because they don’t want to look within, they don’t want to. They don’t think that it’s the Parenting part of the equation. So they think they’re kids are immune to parenting strategies. There are kids different. That’s what you convince yourself.
0 (5m 35s):
And I don’t think maybe, I mean, if you’re listening to a Parenting Podcast then obviously you are the kind of person that is looking for strategies. That’s proactively wanting to fill your brain with new ideas and new strategies and you’re willing to dig in and do that the work. So it’s just, you know, when you find yourself going to that blame game, if you find yourself going to them, but I think my kids Different, I just want to invite you to look at something that’s way more. PRODUCTIVE like it so much more PRODUCTIVE to have the courage, to roll their sleeves and say some things going on with my kid. And there’s something to figure out because all behavior is communication.
0 (6m 19s):
Mastermind Parenting, Pillar all behavior is communication. So when our kids are acting a certain way, we have to say to our guests, Hm time to get curious because it is everything is figure all, everything. Everything’s figure out a ball and a kid that’s melting down with intense anger. So frequently that the other family members walk on eggshells, that child is requesting support and they’re requesting that support through their behavior rather than words. They’re basically saying, please help me figure out why I’m. So I’m feeling so out of control on the inside of my body.
0 (6m 60s):
Because as Dr Ross Greene says, Kids do well. If they can. So that angry little tyrant, isn’t simply acting the way they feel and screaming for help. If they’re just simply acting the way they feel and screaming for help to feel better and to eat. And they want to develop that are coping skills to regulate their emotions. But it literally feels like a runaway train in their body. They, they would, they would express it versus acting it out. If they knew how, but kids act out their emotions, they act on the outside of the way they feel on the inside. This is just, this is part of human development.
0 (7m 40s):
They don’t have the verbal skills yet. They don’t have the development yet to be like, I’m feeling really feel like we have to teach them those skills, how to put words to their emotions and how to understand and to get a sense what they’re feeling in their body. So that’s the deal. It feels like a runaway train in their body. It feels terrible. And they’re trying to let us know, help me, help me, help me. And that everything’s figure out a ball. I actually have two more to give credit to a woman by the name of Marie Forleo she says everything is figure out a goal. And this is a term that she’s coined. She’s just kind of a, a good guy in the Coaching world and something or somebody that I really respect.
0 (8m 26s):
And I think she is actually writing a book. Everything is figure out-able, but I love that term because it’s like, there’s I say it to my kids. It drives them crazy. When I say it like when they are like, Oh no, it won’t work. I say I’m like a dead end dead-end and that’s my message. Constantly is everything is figureoutable. There are no dead ends. We can always find a solution. Always. You got to be willing to calmly get together and to dig in and for solutions, everything is figureoutable. So I’m here to tell you guys that your child isn’t beyond help and learning new strategies. Like I teach in a mastermind Parenting I promise you that empathy will help you productively communicate and investigate.
0 (9m 12s):
What’s really going on for your kid. Impact leadership helps kids that frequently do this dictator to answer Strong world once and hold everyone hostage. Two, feel more grounded. And to end to feel like they can finally take a deep breath. And this is what helps them to trust the adults and allow us to be more, you know, to be more supportive to them. They lean on us when they are lacking this, the state of regulation. And when they lean on us and we’re able to work with them, then ultimately they become more cooperative and they start turning everything into a freaking power struggle.
0 (9m 52s):
Because you guys know how exhausting this is. So I’m here to tell you that your kid isn’t that special. I mean, there are extraordinary, they are exceptional. They are delicious, but they aren’t a special case when it comes to Parenting. I developed Mastermind parenting For strong-willed Kids like yours because as Marie Forleo says, everything’s figure out-able. And I figured out that empathy combined with pack leadership, the backbone of my method Mastermind Parenting is how we not only reach, but to transform these kids, these strong-willed kids into strong minded solution oriented leaders.
0 (10m 36s):
That’s what I’ve got for you guys today. Have a great week.
1 (10m 41s):
Hey, podcast listeners. If you happened to have a strong-willed kid who is kind of pushing everyone of your buttons lightly, I have a resource for you. I made you guys a free guide where you are going to get some tools and tips and strategies to quickly get on the road to creating a happier household. I know you’re pulling your hair out. I wanted to make you something. So you could start giving some quick wins and building some momentum. So if you want to grab your copy, just go to Mastermind care to.com/free Guide and you enjoy it.