- The truth about effective leaders
- Why feeling powerless plays in
- Allowing your kids the opportunity to feel valuable on the family team
- Mind mastery is essential to “get” your kids to be helpful
The 3 tips:
1. Own your role in the current pattern
2. Have a productive conversation
3. Expect to remind and repeat yourself
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About Randi Rubenstein
Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.
She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.
At Mastermind Parenting, we believe every human deserves to have a family that gets along.
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You’re listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode 58.
My name’s Randi Rubenstein and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast where we believe when your thoughts grow the conversations in your home flow.
Well, hello guys, for those of you, those two of you who were watching me on YouTube, who like to listen to the podcast on YouTube. I’ve been recording lately with video, and today I am not in my studio. I don’t have my fancy blue snowball microphone, which has not that fancy, but were in my ear. Wow. What did they call the AirPods? My kids get annoyed with me when I call him. Are you your pod? I’m a makeup lists. I am about to go to yoga or just walk my dogs that I’d been working from home on morning, which behind me to the left is Mai unmade bed. Where I too, a lot of it, I have literally wrote a majority of my books in my bed.
0 (1m 4s):
Does that make me seem unprofessional? Okay. So today I have a topic and it’s all about, it’s all about helping around the house, chores, cleaning rooms, like how do we get our kids to step up and help out? And I was thinking about this because one of the moms in my mastermind was bringing it up and she just got teenagers and they have recently decided not to be in a lot of extracurricular sports. And she’s a busy working mom and she’s like, I just can’t do it all anymore. I just can’t do it all anymore. And I said, why have you been doing it all in the first place?
0 (1m 45s):
Like, and she’s like, I know, I know. And I think that this is common where we just do it and it’s just easier, just easier to do it. Then train the people to do it from a very early age. And then we have kids that are not helpful and they get to a stage where we’re like, we get resentful. And we’re like, what is wrong with you? People? Why are you not helping so entitled? Do you know what I had to do? You know? And we go to that place. But the truth of the matter is, is we accidentally train them to be those people. And, and so whenever I hear a parent saying like, how do I get them to be more involved in the word?
0 (2m 32s):
Get always is a subtle way of letting me know that there is some kind of control involved. And, and whenever we feel controlled, like, think about it. You guys, no one wants to be controlled. When you feel like someone is trying to control you where they want something to badly, you will resist and you we’ll do the opposite. A lot of times have what they’re trying to get you to. So I kinda set you up a little bit. It was a little bit of a booby trap word, wordplay, booby trap in the title of this. Because, because I know that if the word Get is involved, you’re feeling powerless.
0 (3m 15s):
And so you’re resorting to something that feels controlling,
2 (3m 19s):
Maybe threatening, maybe shaming,
0 (3m 22s):
You are making their behavior mean all kinds of things. And that is just not the way that effective leaders lead. And, and that’s not the way you get people to step up to the plate and to do the things and for it not to all be on your shoulders. So a lot of this momming or Parenting, it’s about being an effective leader, really like you’re the pack leader. So we want to be effective. We want to do what effective leaders do we want to delegate and establish expectations and communicate clearly and give people the opportunity to, to step up to the plate and to get to feel that sense of accomplishment.
0 (4m 14s):
Because contrary to what your thinking, when you phrase it the right way, and when you are an effective leader, your kids love being helpful, right? Like they love you. They know all the things you got on your plate. They know when you’re feeling frazzled and when you are losing your temper and they want that happier, calmer version of yourself. So when we get a little bit of helpful momentum going, and they have an opportunity to be really valuable team members on your family team and you help to set them up for success and you’d do that, you know, positive communication and really effectively lead.
0 (5m 0s):
Well, now you get that. You give them the opportunity to be a part of the solution. You give them the opportunity to feel valuable, to have that sense of accomplishment. I had a mom tell me not too long ago that she didn’t want to put it on her. Drive her driving teenage daughter to help drive the younger siblings places. And I said, why? And she said, well, she’s not the parent. She shouldn’t have that kind of responsibility on her shoulders. And I said, what are you talking about? You guys are a family. You’ve got a lot of things going on. You have a third driver in the family now.
0 (5m 40s):
And she teenagers love driving. I mean, thinking about it too, when you were a teenager, I couldn’t wait to run to the grocery store and run this errand in that area. And so if you really think about it, you’re giving them the opportunity to be valuable and to help out. And you can appreciate them. You can appreciate them for doing so. It’s not, it’s not something that they’re going to resent, especially when you show your appreciation and you guys get that positive momentum going. So those of you, right, it’s understandable why you get sorta pissed off when you are doing all these things.
0 (6m 25s):
You’ve had a hole full day, and then you see your kids sitting around as you’re hustling to get everything done. And it might feel like, you know, w it’s like, This, it’s like what I’m doing. All of the things when I see them Snapchatting, right? I get resentful. I make that behavior mean something that it didn’t, but I didn’t affectively lead. I didn’t communicate all of the things that needed to get done, and maybe they’re not used to it. So we make their behavior mean something that it actually does it. And all it really, all that really needs to happen is that we just need to train them differently. And I don’t mean to say train and them like their dog’s, but I mean, really like create new patterns.
0 (7m 9s):
It, it, if you feel like you’re working for your kids and your feeling resentful about it, like that’s a sign that something is ready to shift in your household. So if there’s constant constant messages and your feeling like a complete lunatic, ’cause all you want to do is run around and have everything so orderly and clean all the time. I would also check in with yourself on, on what’s underneath that, like all of that perfectionism, what does it, is it that somebody is super important? Or if your mom or your mother-in-law drop in on a moment’s notice that you looked like you’ve got it all together because families create messes.
0 (7m 54s):
Right? We do. I mean, that’s what happens in a home where you’re actually there living, there’s going to be little messages. And so I want you to check it and really, really get honest with yourself. Like, what is, what is this all about? Why does everything you need to be sow orderly all of the time? And can I relent on a few things? So this is like everything. It’s so much more than just telling your kid’s, what they need to do are getting them to do anything. You have to start with the Mind mastery piece, right? You have to start to have a productive conversation to change the pattern.
0 (8m 39s):
And the only way to do that is to make sure that you take some kind of ownership for the current pattern. I know you might not want to hear that. And it might, it might sound ridiculous because you’re doing all the things and they’re sitting there on their freaking devices or doing whatever, and you are annoyed. You’re like I have to take ownership. I’ve been doing all of the things, but remember You to disrupt the current pattern, begin by recognizing what your role was in terms of creating this current pattern. And if you could have gone back in time, how maybe you would have done it differently, write like a, a, a six-year-old or a seven-year-old.
0 (9m 19s):
No, they’re not gonna set the table. The table is as good as you before might be on the wrong side. The napkins may not be folded. It’s okay. What about making their beds? I they may have just thrown the stuff over and put their stuffed animals around. Why or why did it need to be hospital corners? Who cares? So when you went after them and did all of the things just right and just perfectly, then we’ve, we’ve taught them that they’re, their weight is never going to be good enough. It’s never going to be up to snuff rather than letting them be a beginner at something. And then slowly over time, improve and acquire a skillset.
0 (10m 1s):
Right? We haven’t done it. So the first thing is, I want you to own your role, recognize your ownership and the current pattern. The second thing is Have a productive conversation and get on the same page before you Institute the new pattern. So the PRODUCTIVE conversation for those of you who don’t know, remember it, see their perspective, actively listen, problem, solve together, and have a whole podcast about it. And you really want to sell them on why this is a way that you guys are gonna work together as a team. It’s not a prison sentence. So you’re going to sell rather than centered. So this is not a, you need to start stepping up to play it and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
0 (10m 45s):
It’s you get to start really helping out. We’re going to be working more cohesively together. If I can go back in time and do it differently, I would have. And it’s really important for everyone to come together and to help this household runs smoothly. And then the third thing is I want y’all to remind yourself that it takes reminders and consistent follow through to make this new helpfulness pattern around the House stick, expect to repeat yourself. It just expected new patterns. Take prac, take a plan. They take practice and they take consistent. Follow-through so reach out if you guys needed support on this, but its really so much easier to turn it around.
0 (11m 29s):
And I want you to remember this pattern is here because you allowed it to be here. You’re the parent. And you may have taken the path of least resistance and just done it yourself. Cause it was just easier. And now you’re ready to change that pattern. Don’t beat yourself up about it, right? Like you did what you knew how to do. And, and now it’s now your learning new things and you’re going to do it differently. And also remember have to put your sales hat on, be an influencer, let your kids know, catch them. When they do helpful things. We have one kid to helping drive the other kids. When you have a little kids who are, who make their bed or put their clothes in the dirty clothes or help set the table or put their toys away in the playroom, what you focus on grows.
0 (12m 17s):
So catch them being good, catch them and then praise them and let the effective praise looked at you. You put everything exactly where it goes, where to go. And now you’ll know where to find it. Next time. Look at you are helping out around the house, driving your sibling here or they’re you know how much better that made my day. I didn’t have to stress about getting, getting to pick up on time. And I was able to finish this project. That was really helpful. Amazing. We were working so well together as family is awesome. So there’s a little bit of a robber or a session. It feels good. It might sound hokey. And if you’re already at this stage of a teenager hood, you know you’re kids are teenagers.
0 (12m 58s):
You make it a little eye-rolling or you’re like what? And it still feels good for them. Even if they roll their eyes, they still love it. So that’s what I’ve got for you guys today. I’m off to yoga. I don’t want to be late, have a great week. Bye-bye Hey podcast, listeners. If you happened to have a strong-willed kid who is kind of pushing every one of your buttons lightly, I have a resource for you. I made you guys have a free guide where you’re going to get some tools and tips and strategies to quickly get on the road to creating a happier household. I know you’re pulling your hair out. I wanted to make you something so he could start giving some quick wins in building some momentum.
0 (13m 42s):
So you want to grab your copy, just go to Mastermind care. t.com forward slash Free Guide and you enjoy it.