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59: The Mom Manual

By April 16, 2019November 9th, 2023Mastermind Parenting Podcast
59: The Mom Manual
In this episode, I discuss the unspoken, unwritten “good mom manual” that many of us have for ourselves. I think you’ll really resonate with this episode and be surprised by what I have to say about parent attendance at your kid’s sport’s events. Of course, there are also some fun “Rambly Rubenstein” insights I share about myself and about finding yourself in The Parent Gap during those heated moments when you find yourself not being the parent you truly want to be. I’d love to know what was your biggest takeaway from this episode. Let me know!
Topics Covered:
  • What is the “Mom Manual”
  • The Parent Gap
  • D.A.R.E. – Dissolve And Release Experience
  • Parental role and attendance when it comes to your kid’s sporting events
  • Straitjacket feeling and learning to listen
  • Showing up authentically with your kiddos

As always, thanks for listening, and be sure and head over to Facebook and you can join my free group Mastermind Parenting Community, where we post tips and tools and do pop up Live conversations where I do extra teaching and coaching to support you in helping your strong-willed children so that they can FEEL better and DO better. If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it!

About Randi Rubenstein

Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.

She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.

At Mastermind Parenting, we believe every human deserves to have a family that gets along.

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Transcription

0 (0s):
Hey, you guys, can you believe already a quarter of the way through 2019? I can not believe it. I am doing a free three-day training called how to stop fighting with your strong-willed kiddo. It’s actually going to be a challenge in three days, you are going to learn so much. I’m going to give you tools and tips and content, and I’m gonna really get into the main practical point of Mastermind Parenting. So we can get you some quick wins so that you guys can have the best summer ever. We’re almost at summer time. You know, those days are never ending when you have the strong-willed kid and they are constantly saying no and fighting with you about every little thing.

0 (41s):
So we need to get on the road for the most successful summer ever go to Mastermind Parenting dot com forward slash challenge that’s Mastermind Parenting dot com forward slash challenge to join me in is free three day challenge. Hope to see you guys here. You are listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode 59.

1 (1m 7s):
My name’s Randi Rubenstein and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast where we believe when your thoughts grow the conversations in your home flow.

0 (1m 20s):
Hi guys, I just got a wild hair. I’m making this episode on actually it’s first thing in the morning. I’m not in my office where I have my fancy microphone. So hopefully the sound is going to be decent. I’m wearing my air pods. It, it was calling me at your pods at my kid’s correct me, but I was just doing my morning things. And I was communicating with this group that just completed this little mini mini retreat that I did last weekend called the dare Experience Dissolve and Release experience where we Dissolve triggers.

0 (2m 1s):
So y’all know how I always talk about it. Well, in my book, I wrote a book called The Parent Gap D. And so it’s the Gap between the parent you want to be. And the parent you currently are, especially when your kids are pushing your buttons or you’re in the heat of the moment, or basically when the shit hits the fan, right? So you go and you listen to podcasts and you read books and maybe you even are in the 1% that takes a parenting class or attend a parenting seminar. And then your kids whining and whining and whining, or you have asked him to get in a bath 27 times or whatever. And you just like, I know for me to lose it, that when you’re in the Gap.

0 (2m 45s):
And so all of those tactics that were used with us growing up, they come back online And and there’s a lot going on. There’s a lot of reasons why, so at the beginning of what I teach has always like, let’s learn this new Parenting language. So let’s learn these new conversation. And there was a lot to learn. That’s what I have a free podcast, because honestly, it’s, it’s like I can teach you and teach you and teach you on the free podcast, but there’s still plenty more to learn. And it, it takes more than just listening to a podcast to fully integrated into your life.

0 (3m 26s):
So I, so the integration part is interesting. And I, and what we know is that a lot ends up coming up for us, like old memories come up and we just have to have to put the puzzle pieces of our own lives together and figure out what’s coming up for us and, and be willing to remember. Cause most of us live in a state of not really wanting to go back there. I mean, I know I did. And I mean, who I, who I was was a coper, a number of a distractor. And so I would do whatever I needed to do to avoid remembering whatever was coming up for me and just digging in and dealing in the moment and, and to keep myself out of the Gap I use different methods of distraction.

0 (4m 22s):
I have addictive thinking. I was a closet smoker for years. I would do whatever I needed to do. I love shopping on my gosh. He could get lost. I still, I, I, you know, now with online shopping, I keep myself pretty and check, but probably four times a year, I’m like, Oh, you don’t need a few new things. And I just did that the other day at Zara. I had a meeting at the Galleria at, at eight 30 in the morning, which I walked into the gallery and I’m like, they’re in there. And there was no one there. So then when I came out of my meeting, it was time for it to open it. And I was like, I actually need some things for work.

0 (5m 2s):
And I went into Zara and did a little damage. So I still have it in me as my point, see, shiny objects, a squirrel. I still have it in me is my point. And that’s just what I did it to feel better in a, in a temporary moment and to, you know, not be in the Gap and, and to not scream my head off at my kids. That was one thing I was sure I wasn’t going to do. And I really did because there was, there was a lot of that when I was growing up. And so that was one thing I was going to stick to was wasn’t gonna rage.

0 (5m 45s):
However, I did plenty of other things to keep myself from raging. And then I learned how to take a deep breath and say a mantra in my head. And so that helped, well now I have learned something that goes even deeper and it, it literally sends a message to the part of your brain. We’re all of those old memories are stored and it sends a message to your amygdala, which is your place where you go into fight or flight. And it says like you’re safe, you’re safe, you’re safe. So now I’ve learned a new method for desolving that old gunk Fenton, none of us want to remember.

0 (6m 25s):
And it’s this amazing hack called tapping. I actually write about EFT tapping emotional freedom technique. So I have this whole mind mastery technique. So we had this workshop for Derek Experience and now we have This this group chat that I said to everyone, after that, after the little day long mini retreat, we’re going to have this group a chat. And it’s on this app that I use where you can leave audio texts back and forth. And I said, we’re going to do this for five days and we’re gonna process and we’re going to integrate. So it’s like this amazing conversation is happening and everybody is sharing because we had this big Experience together.

0 (7m 6s):
And so we’re all processing and funny things are coming up. So last night and today I was responding to, to people and what came up was The Mom Manual. And I’m like, I don’t know if I’ve ever called it that before. So I have a wild hair and I’m, you know, I’m making you guys do a podcast about it because I haven’t done that lately, making podcasts for you on the spot. And I know last week or twice, there were big, there are great ideas that came into my head and I, if you don’t use it, you lose it. And so I didn’t take the opportunity to make you guys a podcast because I’m like, Oh, I got to go into the studio and I need to write it out into an outline foreman.

0 (7m 51s):
I had made it into a bigger deal. And then I lost it. I lost those ideas. I was sitting here thinking, and I was like, I don’t even know what those ideas are. So I am kicking it kind of old school right now. And just making you guys Podcast about the Mom Manual cause I don’t want to lose this important idea. And I want to tell you guys about it. So I think many of us have this unspoken or unwritten Manual in our heads of what a good mom looks like, how she shows up in the world and who she is. And I want to speak to two things that came up as that made me bring up the Mom Manual one being a mom in our group on, at our workshop was talking about how it really feels like a straight jacket for her to go to every one of her kids’ baseball game.

0 (8m 50s):
And she has three boys. There’s a lot of baseball games and it’s so much. And I looked at her and I said, and why do you need to go to every baseball game? And it brought up a good conversation. And so there’s this on spoken on written rule, a good Parent goes to every one of their kid’s games. And I’m like, really, really, I mean, I consider myself a great parent. I don’t go to every one of my kids’ games. And we just started talking about why, why do you need to go to every one of their games?

0 (9m 33s):
So the, you know, all, I hear the majority of the issues that come up and kids sports is parents being overly involved and adding to the pressure that the kid already feels on the field. So between the relationship with coaches, the pressure, the kid puts on themselves, and now you got the parent in this stand. So invested that they are at every game hanging on every play it’s too much. It’s too much. There has to be a balanced. And so I said, look, if you don’t want to be at every game and start going to every game.

0 (10m 17s):
So last night was her check-in with the group that she, her oldest and her husband were at his game. It was a seven o’clock game. She didn’t hire a babysitter. She was home with her other two, they were in bed. And she just couldn’t decide whether she’s going to take a bath or read or watch crap TV or she’s. There were so many options, which you lay in her bed, which you lay on the couch. Like she had the whole evening to herself and she, and she identifies with being a highly sensitive person herself. And so she is hilarious. And so she was like, I just don’t know what I’m going to do so many options.

0 (10m 59s):
And we were laughing about it. And I said, you know, there’s this good mom manual. And, and it who’s writing it. Who says we have to follow it, who is putting it out there. And so then a conversation ensued about what about when he comes home and one of the other mom’s he was like, but what about when he gives her a guilt trip about not being there? And I said, it’s not a guilt trip unless she makes it a guilt trip. Right? The only thing that makes it a guilt trip is if she feels guilty, that she is not following this unspoken. Good Mom Manual if he asks her mom, why are you at my game?

0 (11m 41s):
That could sound like a guilt trip, or you could master your mind and know that he’s like, it’s something different. He’s used to mom being at every game. So he’s curious, he’s like, Hey, why aren’t you at my game? And she could easily say, Oh, it was home with your brother’s here. And he’s like, I know, but why didn’t you come? Because I was here. Tell me about it. Was it fun? And then she gets curious and interested in him and she releases that Manual and just in that center kid and says, I care about you. I see you. I want to hear it. Bam. There it is. It’s that unspoken? Good.

0 (12m 20s):
Mom Manual that feels like we’re changing to shackles. Drop it. A good mom shows up authentically a good mom doesn’t act like a martyr. Cause anytime you act like a martyr and you operate from some unspoken Manual I promise you you’ll find yourself in the Gap more often than not. And then you become scary, mommy. And then your kids are, have trauma in their amygdala that they are going to have to overcome later. That’s how it works. So I want you guys to drop this good mom manual. I want you guys to start listening to your body. I want you guys to stop doing things that feel like a freaking straight jacket.

0 (13m 5s):
Cause I promise you everyone suffers when you live by that Manual and the other thing I want you to do is we were also talking about how the good mom manual. A lot of times we’ll say a good mom sounded like this around her children. And I want y’all to drop that fake phony voice. The kids know it. Everyone knows it. My kids will say, this friend sounds like she’s so cool. And she is with you mom. But like when I’m with her and her kids, she’s she’s different. She’s not the same. Like you’re smart.

0 (13m 46s):
You’re funny. You’re interesting. Stop acting the way you think a good mom acts around your kids are around other people’s kids. Just be, you just be authentic. Be funny, be quiet, be clever. The interesting intellectual. They want to know the real, the real you, they want you to drop the good Mom Manual and just be the real deal. So that’s what I got for you guys today. No more good mom manual. You just do you and have the courage to show up as you with your kids out in the world.

0 (14m 34s):
And that’s how you start tapping in to the really, really good stuff. You have a great week by now.

1 (14m 45s):
Hey, podcast listeners. If you happen to have a strong-willed kid who is kind pushing everyone of your buttons lightly, I have a resource for you. I made you guys a Free Guide where you are going to get some tools and tips and strategies to quickly get on the road to creating a happier household. I know you’re pulling your hair out. I wanted to make you something. So you could start getting some quick wins and building some momentum. So you want to grab your copy, just go to Mastermind Parenting dot com forward slash Free Guide and ah, you enjoy it.

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