- My YouTube channel link
- Pack leadership and assertive communication
- The disservice done to girls re: effective communication skills
- Our primal wiring and how it affects our behavior as parents
- TED Talk with Justin Baldoni
As always, thanks for listening, and be sure and head over to Facebook and you can join my free group Mastermind Parenting Community, where we post tips and tools and do pop up Live conversations where I do extra teaching and coaching to support you in helping your strong-willed children so that they can FEEL better and DO better. If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it!
About Randi Rubenstein
Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.
She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.
At Mastermind Parenting, we believe every human deserves to have a family that gets along.
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Hey, you guys, can you believe already a quarter of the way through to 2019? I could not believe it. I am doing a free three day training called how to Stop Fighting with Your Strong Willed Kiddo it’s actually going to be a challenge. In three days, you are going to learn so much. I’m going to give you tools and tips and content, and I’m going to really get into the main practical points of Mastermind Parenting. So we can get you some quick wins so that you guys can have the best summer ever. We’re almost at summer time, you know, those days or a never ending when you have a strong-willed kid and they’re constantly saying no and fighting with you about every little thing.
So we need to get on the road for the most successful summer ever go to Mastermind Parenting dot com forward slash challenge that’s Mastermind Parenting dot com forward slash challenge to join me in this free three day challenge. Hope to see you guys there. The same to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode 60. Mm my name’s Randy Rubenstein. And welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast where we believe when your thoughts grow the conversation’s in your home flow. Okay. So hi guys.
0 (1m 23s):
Welcome to today’s episode. Okay. So today I want to talk about something I called Pack Leadership and it’s one of us. When I teach the Mastermind Parenting pillars. One of the things that I teach, I call Pack Leadership it’s really assertive communication, but I like to tie it into, we are pack animals as humans. And when it comes to parenting, we get really primal because there are a little Pack. There are, there are a little cave people and we’re a Pack and we just want to protect them. And that’s why we see dangerous tigers and bears and the jungle constantly.
0 (2m 3s):
I don’t know that I don’t think bears lived in the jungle, but y’all get the gist. We see all kinds of threatening things, even though it may be is just like a four year old who doesn’t want to play with your kid in the sandbox or a, a nine-year-old who could only invite three people to their birthday party in your kid. Wasn’t one of those people, like what we see all of these things as threatening experiences. And the reason is because it’s prideful for us. Like we want to protect our cave people. And when I talk about Pak Leadership and I talk about what’s really coming up for us and this position, we find ourselves in some of you have also heard me say that it’s tricky for women because as women, we were done a disservice as little girls, we were not taught effective communication.
0 (2m 57s):
We were not taught a effective Pack leadership skills. We were actually taught. And what was modeled for us, most of the time was passive communication from the female’s in our life. And very few of us have ever really had assertive communication modeled for us. And in our personal lives, maybe there’s a mentor or somebody famous that you know, that you just always seemed strong and together, and you love the way they present themselves, but in your private life, in your personal life for most women, it’s a passive thing. And it’s a sing song in a thing. And there is a sweet tone.
0 (3m 37s):
And especially in the South, we’ve got a wave saying things, and there’s all kinds of cute sayings. And we say, okay. And we may phrase it like a question that the deal is that little kids are really all kids. There are a literal. And they want to just to say what we mean and what we say. So when we phrase things in this confusing way, and it sounds like a question, it sounds like they’ve got a say they get all perplexed. And then a lot of, you know, it’s just a lot of miscommunication that happens. So a big thing that I like to teach my mom’s that I work with his Pack leadership and effective communication.
0 (4m 18s):
And it’s not just the way we say things like we really have. This is why I call it. Mastermind Parenting like I could teach all of these amazing tools and tricks. And if anybody’s like ever read a parenting book by some famous clinician, they, they tell you the theory and why you should be doing it this way. And, and they even tell you something about how to talk. So kids will listen and listen. So kids we’ll talk about it all sounds awesome. And I agree with all of that problem is if you haven’t figured out what’s coming up in your own brain, every time you’re triggered, well, you’re never going to remember those things because all of your old stuff’s coming online.
0 (5m 0s):
Like our subconscious programming runs the show in 95% of our lives until we learn how to retrain our brains. So we have to kind of put these puzzle pieces together for ourselves. And what I find is is that most women, we have a lot that comes up for us that causes us not to step into Pack. Leadership like how many of us saw that Oprah show years ago where she, she interviewed people. And it was basically like people, women who had been violently assaulted. And she talked about what happened, what did your body tell you? Or was there some kind of something, a sensation or an acknowledgement of something felt off or not right before, right before the attack that you didn’t listen too.
0 (5m 54s):
And all of them were saying basically like whether it was in an or wherever. Yeah. That was They. Their body told them some things not safe here, right? Like that primal, that primal piece of us that reads predatorial energy, something is off. And unfortunately the programming in our brain hijacks a lot of our instinct for a lot of us, because we have learned and been programmed that we shouldn’t listen to what our body is telling us. And we shouldn’t speak up for ourselves and we should try and please others.
0 (6m 34s):
And we shouldn’t make anyone uncomfortable, terrible, and other people’s needs come before us. And so, as long as that programming’s is running, the show is going to be real hard for you step into assertive leadership. So if you’re kids are constantly acting like dictators and, and your feeling like they don’t need to listen to me, they don’t respect me like that. There’s more to this story, you guys, and I want you to know it’s a, it’s a journey to kind of figure it out and then to be like, yeah, and enough, I’m not doing that anymore. And then to have the courage in the moment when you, when you can stand up for yourself where you can practice the assertiveness skills to actually do it.
0 (7m 17s):
So I want to share a story. Okay. So I teach this stuff and I wasn’t typically the passive female. I was more, I would go to the aggressive place, but like, not like not even in a, in a yelling way. And like I bullied my husband for a year. I laugh and laugh about it. See, this is me, Like ridiculousness, but Like my defense mechanism was I am not going to be passive. I’m going to be aggressive with everyone other than my children. So that was the interesting thing is that when I had kids, I was dead set on never being that raging lunatic to my kids or being really tough to my kids because on the inside, it really wasn’t tough.
0 (8m 8s):
It was just all an act. So it actually, wasn’t hard for me not to be aggressive with my kids because on the inside I was, I was, I was a mush pot inside. I was just, I was just acting for many years. So for many years I acted and I was, I would act defensive, especially to men. So that’s what I kind of did to my husband early on. Like when I was like, what are you talking about? It’s ridiculous. You know, I would just go to that defensive place, belittling place and M and I would just barrel through and reduce whoever I needed to reduce because I was not going to be taken advantage of. And, and so it was almost like a chip on my shoulder. Right. So my work has actually been to kind of soften myself and come into who I really am on the inside, which is not that person.
0 (8m 55s):
And I’m, and the more I do the happier I am. And so then there was the balance of, yeah, I don’t, I want to be me. And I know I’m actually, I’m a kind person, I’m a loving person. I’m a sensitive person. I’m not a super tough, however, I also am not a pushover. And so, so there’s been this balance of when there’s times that, you know, I’m sharing that softer side of me and then someone is doing something that I’m really not okay with it. I really don’t want to start a confrontation because I used to be so kind of confrontation heavy in my life that I don’t, I am like, why have a necessary confrontations?
0 (9m 42s):
It’s like wasted energy. I’m not doing that. However, I do not. I also wanna speak up for when something feels like I’m a rebel tendency. So I wanna speak up for when something feels unjust. And a, and I know that I have the ability to think clearly and assert myself and say, yeah, not, okay. So last night I was on a, I was on a business trip this week and I, and I was traveling. I was by myself and I was traveling home internationally. So it was a long flight and I, and it’s kind of an old plane and it’s one of those planes where it’s like two and two. I wasn’t, I wasn’t even an first-class.
0 (10m 24s):
It was just a whole, the main cabin was two seats together and a few seats together. So I get on the flight and I know it’s going to be a long flight and I’m not crazy along like five or five hours or so. And I also had only gone for the weekend. So I knew it was getting home late, so I didn’t wanna check my bag. So I literally had a carry on bag that was stuffed to the gills, like ridiculous. So, and of course insecurity, they like opened it and then I had to repack it. It was so stressful. Anyway, I digress. So it was stuff to the gills. It was the giant carry on thing I get on this full plane.
0 (11m 4s):
There’s a no overhead compartments to put my bag. I like to go. And I, I got to get my bag. Like I have to go farther back then my road to get my bag up. And so I get that up and I go back to my seat and I’m a little frazzled, like, you know, I’ve gone through and the flight was also an hour and a half of late. And I knew I was already getting home late. And I had been away from my family for four days. And my kids that had school that day, and I knew I was getting the right back to work, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So there’s all these things that I had. You know, my, my brain was a little stressed and I go and I sit down and there’s this giant man sitting in the seat next to me.
0 (11m 44s):
And he’s like, giant man. Like, I’m going to say, he’s like maybe six For and, and just a big human, just a human. And so he’s sitting in the window seat and, and he doesn’t look at me, which I’m fine with me. Like, I don’t need to make friends with people on planes. I, I have plenty to do. And it’s great. Like if you’re a fantastic and you sit next to me and we need to become best friends and it’s meant to be, I’m open to that. But more often than not, I’m going to sit down and just do my own business. Hi, how are you? And then do my thing or take a nap or both. So he doesn’t even acknowledge me. I don’t acknowledge him.
0 (12m 25s):
It’s totally cool. That’s fine. So I’m sitting there and all that. Let me think of my camera and see if he could see it. So, so, so there’s an armrest between us and his elbow is on the arm rest. So he just go ahead. He just goes ahead and takes the armrest, but then he doesn’t just take the armrest, which are not doing it. He doesn’t just take the arm rest. He goes over the arm rest. And now he’s in my seat, like, like this much in my seat, like with his arm like this. So I’m sitting there and I’m like sitting, I’m listening to something or I’m whatever. And it’s like 20 minutes into the fight and the whole day, and for 20 minutes off and on, I’m sitting there annoyed.
0 (13m 8s):
And I’m like, this is so annoying. And like, I know he’s not even thinking about it. He’s just a giant person. And he’s a man let’s frankly, just to be perfectly honest, he’s not thinking about it. He’s giant. He’s probably feeling entitled to that space. ’cause he has this giant body and it just is what it is. So everyone else deal with it. But the truth of the matter is I wanted my space. So why should I? And, and, and this isn’t the man I am married to, or I came with that. I’m willing to share my space with this is a stranger.
0 (13m 49s):
So I’m sitting there for 20 minutes and it’s hijacking my brain and I’m annoyed with him. And I’m annoyed with him. And I’m annoyed with him and I’m feeling his energy a little bit. And I’m making it mean all kinds of things, whether it did or not, I’m making it mean that like he’s entitled and all kinds of things. But finally, I just sit there and I decide, you know what? You teach this stuff. So if you are going to sit here and let this space invader Jack you for the next, hi, Jack, your brain for the next five hours, shame on you, right? Like, like this, this is the work right here. Right now, speak up for yourself and, and be a assertive.
0 (14m 31s):
So I looked at him and I kinda smile. And I said, you’re kind of invading my space a little bit here like that. Like, how do you say it? I didn’t want to be too serious, but I wanted to let him know, kind of invading my space a little bit here. And he goes, well, I mean, sorry. And he got real caustic and that’s when, okay. Him acting like this, like there was nothing he could do was just a big, giant human. And that’s when I could have just been like, it’s fine. Or just not said anything again. Right. And how many times do we do things like this, but then for the next five hours, we’re annoyed, we’re annoyed and it’s hijacking our brain.
0 (15m 18s):
So instead in that moment, when he got on a caustic, I looked at him and I said, I’m totally cool with you having the arm rest, which you’ve already taken. But this space right here within my seat is mine. And I’d like to have this space to myself. So feel free to use the armrest. But this space here is my space. Now just sit with that for a minute. How many of you are like, wow, really? Just kind of a bee, right? Like kind of jerky.
0 (15m 60s):
My energy was kind of, you know, it wasn’t like you a few, you know, I didn’t start attacking him. I just stood up for my rights, which is I paid for this seat here. The arm rest is negotiable. And guess what? I’m willing to give you the arm rest. This space here is my space. So all I did was clearly and assertively, let him know that at first I tried to kind of have a fun exchange with it. He wouldn’t go in there. So I had to get firmer and let him know. And it was good practice because you know what?
0 (16m 40s):
Sometimes guys with our kids, with our husbands, with our loved ones, with whoever, sometimes we do have to get from it doesn’t mean we have to become a yelling, lunatic, jerk. I didn’t sit there and insult him and tell him he was entitled and go after the juggler, I just stood up for me and my space. So sometimes we have to be willing to come to get to that place. And there’s going to be a lots of old skeletons coming up telling you why you shouldn’t, it’s not nice. And don’t be, you know, of course This episode, especially I’m, Like every single curse word. Possible’s about to fly out of my mouth, but I don’t want to get an explicit Ratings.
0 (17m 23s):
So I’m trying to control myself, which was very hard for me to do so this is it. I mean, it was like the mind mastery piece. And then, and then it was funny because I just really didn’t look at ’em again. And towards the end of the flight, he wasn’t even using an arm rest who was like reading this thing like this. And so, and so he was so uncomfortable and there were parts that came out, you know, I ended up sleeping a lot. I listened to a bunch of podcasts and I just kind of chose to release it and let it go. And whatever it was going on with him was his business. And I was cool with him. Like, you know, those parts of me, we were going through my brain of, he thinks I’m.
0 (18m 5s):
So this, he thinks I was such a jerk. I made a big deal out of nothing, like all of those things. But the truth is though I would have sat there for five hours just feeling annoyed that I didn’t have the courage to stand, to stand up for myself, but really I would have turned it into, he says, he’s a jerk. He’s so entitled. He said this, he said that, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I would have thought of what I was thinking about him, but it really, it really would’ve been a massive for me being mad at myself for not speaking up clearly in a assertively for myself. So, because I did that, I was like, if he’s uncomfortable and that it doesn’t want to use the arm rest, or if he’s uncomfortable, because I wanted my space that I paid for.
0 (18m 47s):
Okay, that’s his business. He’s not here to make it on the airplane to make friends. That’s fine. So I just chose to release that. And I also chose not to blame him. He’s a giant man and he probably wasn’t even thinking about it. And he’s probably used to the world working for him. And so it wasn’t even on his consciousness. It wasn’t, he wasn’t being malicious. It’s just what he was used to. And I was letting them know that’s not going to happen this time. Okay. So at the end of the story is that when I went to get off the plane, I, I, I got out, you know, when it got on it to our isle to get out, I got, I was stood back because I knew I had to backtrack and go get my bag and I let him out.
0 (19m 32s):
And he just like looked down and went ahead. So then I hopped back into our Island and I waited for some people to go buy and go buy and go point by until there was a time where I could kind of walk a few seats back and grab my bag from the overhead. So I was waiting and, and finally this woman looked at me, it’s really sweet woman. And she looked at me and she went over to My overstuffed, ridiculous bag. And she’s like, probably she was tiny. She was so tiny and cute. She was probably a five foot three. And she goes, and she points to, and she says, Like is this yours? And I was like, yeah. I was like, no, no, no, it’s too heavy. It’s too heavy.
0 (20m 12s):
She goes and attempts to like, take it out herself. So I go, I rush over there and she got, she’s got one end of my overstuffed bag and I’ve got the other wall and we take it down together. And I said, thank you so much. That was so sweet of you. And she looked at me and she goes, Oh, well, you were sitting with my husband. And I was like, well, why, well, I wish you hadn’t told me. I would have been happy to switch places with you. So you could have sat with him. And she was like, no, no, no. That’s OK. So I’m thinking, Oh my gosh. So what I want to tell you guys is that behind every jerky guy, there’s probably a really kind nice, helpful woman.
0 (20m 54s):
Who’s having to put up with his crap. And she was like, no, no, no, no. That’s okay. She probably welcomed with the five-hour break. You could just tell his energy was, felt negative and toxic, but, but that’s the truth of the matter is how many of us are living with that guy? And if it’s you, who is living with that guy, I wonder how he would be treating her and how he would be showing up differently in the world. If she knew these mean she’s certainly adorable and sweet and kind, and I and lovely. And I wonder if he will be showing him in the world that way, if she knew how to assert herself in this way, maybe she does.
0 (21m 38s):
And I’m assuming she doesn’t my hunches, that she probably doesn’t. So when we choose to show up in this way, even if you’ve been in a marriage for 20 years and your guy is acting like a caveman and entitled and, you know, invading your space all the time and not even thinking about it, maybe it’s just because nobody’s ever brought as a tension there. And no one has ever known how to properly assert themselves and to teach him these things. And the truth is is that if we want to teach our kids, these things, if we want our daughter’s to grow up, knowing how to assert themselves and knowing how to protect themselves and knowing how to not get off any kind of a victim energy.
0 (22m 26s):
And if we want our boys to grow up, being a feminist and treating women as equals and, and, and to stop this male entitlement generational pattern that keeps, you know, going down generation to generation, we have to learn how to master our mind and show up in this way. And, and, and the best place on earth to practice is really within your home with your own children. Really? So that’s what I’ve got. I also wanna share resources with you. There is a Ted talk called why I’m done trying to be man enough and with a guy named Justin Baldoni.
0 (23m 9s):
I think that’s how you pronounce his name. It’s really good. So if you haven’t watched that, encourage you to watch it, watch it with your spouse, watch it with your teenage children. And I really think it’s got a great message and Pack, Leadership all the way Pack Leadership. We have to show up as pack leaders. If we want to be the parents, we want to be okay. That’s what I’ve got for you guys this week. Have a good one and we’ll talk to you soon. Bye.
1 (23m 40s):
Hey, podcast listeners, if you happen to have a strong willed kid who is kinda pushing every one of your buttons lately, I’ve a resource for you. I made you guys have a Free Guide where you are going to get some tools and tips and strategies to quickly get on the road to creating a happier household. I know you’re pulling your hair out. I wanted to make you something, so you can start getting some quick wins and building some momentum. So if you want to grab your copy, just go to Mastermind care, t.com forward slash Free Guide and you know,