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Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.
She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.
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You’re listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode 63.
Hi, my name’s Randi Rubenstein and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast where we believe when you’re thoughts grow the conversation’s in your home flow.
Hi guys. Welcome to the podcast this week. For those of you watching on YouTube, you can see me and I’m going to try and do this very quickly because I have priorities, see clothes to be eyelashes for fake. We can barely see them because most of them have come out and I have an eyelash appointment. It’s a new thing. I’ve started doing my friend, Alison turned me on to it. It’s all about how to get ready in the least amount of time and look good enough. So now I’ve almost gotten down to a, just very little bit of makeup, some Neutrogena lip gloss.
0 (1m 4s):
I think it looks cute. And my, my fake eyelashes that I have to get replaced every couple of weeks, and I like to take a nap while I’m doing it. So I have an eyelash appointment, so let’s yeah. You know, priorities. All right, enough about me. I want to cover today. I just recently did a challenge. I was enrolling for my private Mastermind membership. And so I have a free Facebook group called the bad-ass momma’s in a few cool daddies Facebook groups. So if you are not in it, you can find me and asked to be put in and I will prove you.
0 (1m 45s):
And you’ll come in. And we post content and I ran a challenge or a three day or three hour training on how to stop fighting with your strong Willed Kiddo. And there was, it went great. And there was a lot of positive feedback and I taught things kind of in a different way than I’ve ever taught it before. And so, and so if you, if you didn’t see it or you weren’t aware of it, I’m going to kind of give you guys some cliff notes. Cause I thought it would be fun to make a podcast that kind of goes with that. And we took the challenge down May 1st, once the new groups started or not, I think we’re opening enrollment up for the membership again in October, not until October.
0 (2m 32s):
So in the meantime, maybe you want to see that challenge. We’re going to have a, some something in the show notes here where you can sign up and get the challenge sent to your, your e-mail. Can you hear me? I will tell how techie I am. I have an amazing assistant. Her name is Brandi and she helped me with everything. So I’m like, I think there’s going to be like a link. Is that what it’s called? I’m really showing my eight year anyways. So I wanted it to give you guys a Podcast because I think this is a common problem that many people want help with. And they’re like, yeah, teach me how to stop fighting with my kid because it drives me nuts on my house.
0 (3m 15s):
Feels like a war zone. So that’s what this podcast is about. I wanted to just kind of wrap it up and give you three tools, three tools to stop fighting with your strong-willed Kid. And if you want to learn more about any of these tools, I cover this in the three hour training that will be dripped out to you one day at a time. And, and so there’s more so for all you fact finders that are like, yeah, I want more of this. Just know you can sign up for that. So the three tools I’m going to cover today are the first one.
0 (3m 57s):
You have to have a Parent plan. Okay. And so what I want to tell you is you’re fighting and you’re fighting and you’re fighting and you’re fighting. And you know, you know, they’re gonna push your buttons. You know, you have this strong-willed kid that digs their heels in, you know, when you ask them to go right there, going to go left, you know that when you say it’s bedtime, they’re going to find a million reasons why it’s not bedtime. You know that the mornings are chaotic and there is arguing and everything is that, you know, all of the things because they’re, they have been happening and this is not new to you.
0 (4m 37s):
You’re just like, how do I stop it? And so the definition of insanity is to do the same things over and over again and expect different results, right? Like what you’ve been doing, I’m guessing hasn’t been working. So we want to start first with the one thing you do have control over You we don’t control our kids. And when we try to control them, especially these strong-willed ones, what do they do? You all know what they do? They dig their heels in it, it becomes a power struggle before, you know, it, it becomes superheated. We find ourselves in a Parent gap where we are doing things or saying things that we swore we would never do.
0 (5m 22s):
And maybe we’re even self-aware to know when it’s happening, that it’s not the right thing to do, and it’s not going to give us a different result. And yet we find ourselves there again, and again and again. So the first place we have to start is with you, the Parent do you have to have a Parent plan? I teach you a tool in the three-day challenge and it’s called the calm down corner within. Okay. It’s all about when you find yourself in that gap and that Parent gap in a triggered, you can think clearly you’re seeing red.
0 (6m 2s):
You may notice that your heart speeding faster, start to sweat a little bit, right? You’re going your brain, your amygdala, your brain, that part of your brain, it goes into fight or flight mode has been triggered. You are not able to access the thinking brain during those moments where you feel all of those sensations happening in your body. You’re aware of it. But to remember the tools that you’ve learned from Mastermind Parenting Podcast are the book you’ve read the Parent gap. You have to be in your thinking brain. You have to be aware of all the executive executive functioning happens.
0 (6m 46s):
And when you’re in that triggered state, you’re not in your thinking brain. You’re not going to remember any of the things. So the main thing is, is you need to go to the calm down corner within it involves breath. It involves a mantra. I teach this other kind of freaky tool called tapping. I go over all of this in the three hour training, and I cover this specific tool and all the details of exactly how to do it in that training. So you want to learn more about the calm down corner within, right? You want to go and upload that training if your, a Yogi, if you were a person who practices mindfulness, if you’re already in to all of the Wu things, to get yourself into a calmer space where you can access that thinking brain, there’s a lot of different ways to do it.
0 (7m 45s):
Meditation, journaling, exercising, whatever it is, it’s all about your Parent plan. When you’re in a triggered state, how do you access the calm down corner within when you’re in the heat of the moment, you have to have a plan. You have to have a plan. You have to practice it often so that when you need that plan, when you need to stay calm, because they’re pushing your buttons, right? You need to be able to access that plan quickly and retrain your brain to access it quickly. And I promise you guys, this works and it takes work.
0 (8m 28s):
So if you want to find out my calm down corner within, and the plan I like to teach, if you want to hear it more in depth, get that training. Otherwise, come up with your own plan. I promise you, it involves breath. It involves controlling your own thinking, calming all of those swirling thoughts and getting to that state of mindfulness. It may even involve for you. It may be going and washing your hands and noticing your hands and the soap like when you do it. So when you notice where you are or in your body, that’s practicing mindfulness. So it can be something really tiny.
0 (9m 10s):
So that’s your first step in Stop in, in stopping, fighting with your Strong Kid your first step is you’re Parent plan. What is it? How do you get yourself to a calmer state so that you can get to your thinking brain and remember what to do, and remember what to do. You remember how to, you know, stay composed and not get wrapped up into the fight and match their vibe. How do you do that? Okay. Parent plan number one. The second thing you do, the second tip, you need to Kid plan.
0 (9m 53s):
So what’s your Kid plan? Well, typically our Kid plan is to tell them all the things they are doing wrong or how they may not speak to us and to stop doing that right now. And you know, the rules we go on to the lecture mode and no child in the history of childhood has ever learned anything from a lecture. So that doesn’t work. We can continue giving lectures and telling them how they’re disrespectful and telling them how they will do this. And they won’t do that. And they should, and they shouldn’t and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And again, go back to the definition of insanity. It’s not working. That’s why you continue. Fighting that’s why you continue having your household be a war zone. So you can be right and continue standing on your pedestal preaching, or you can choose to be com connect it.
0 (10m 45s):
Okay. So you’re Kid plan is you have to connect before you correct the have to connect before you correct. That’s why the lectures don’t work. So what’s your Kid plan. What is your proactive Kid plan? Are you finding times to connect during your day is build trust, being connected so that every time you guys interact eight, you kind of, you disrupt this pattern of constant Fighting as a way of communicating. Let’s disrupt that and let’s start finding ways to connect with our kids proactively so that when we get to those moments, we can fall back on all that connection.
0 (11m 33s):
And then we can connect with them in the moment when they’re totally out of control their trust us, we’re doing it on a regular basis. And then when we need to correct, we can correct. And it’s much more effective when you’ve actually done the connecting piece. So the tool I like to teach in terms of proactive connection, I call it the PET tool. It’s present engaged time, present, engaged time, five to 15 minutes a day. I write about it in my book. I talk about it in this challenge. If you want to know more about present, engaged time, the Mastermind Parenting way, check those resources out.
0 (12m 15s):
Okay. So Kid plan, calm down corner within, I mean, Parent plan, calm down corner within Kid plan is step two. PET time. Number three is the Us plan. Now you’ve got a master of the top. To right. You practiced your own calm down corner within so that you’re not going to get sucked in to their energy when they’re feeling out of control and all of those moments, you’re not getting sucked into their energy. You’re you have a plan in place to, to, to stay composed, right?
0 (12m 56s):
And to, and to stay in your own lane and not to get sucked into their vibe. The second thing you have a Kid plan, you’re doing lots of connecting moments so that when it comes time to correct the trust you and you are, and they’re much more inclined to listen and to follow your lead because you’re very connected and it’s not just communicating through disconnection, communicating through, trying to control and empower, struggling the way it typically goes down with these strong-willed Willed Kiddo. We have to disrupt that pattern, the Us plan. Okay. When we get to the Us plan, it’s a really all about having productive conversations and mastering empathy.
0 (13m 42s):
How you do empathy in real life. This is when we’ve done the connect connect connect, and we’re finally ready to correct. You do it through a productive conversation. So empathy is the secret sauce to everything being figured out. Really like nothing’s off limits to discuss when you, when you practice and train yourself and your children to have these productive conversations. And so, so what it looks like is your kids are going to be totally out of control and pushing your buttons and doing all of the things that they’ve typically done, that you get sucked into.
0 (14m 23s):
And before you know it, you guys are fighting, fighting, fighting. Instead you access your Parent plan. You access the calm down corner within you’ve done lots of PET time. You’ve had lots of connecting moments from the minute you pick them up from school until bedtime there’s been, there’s been lots of connecting little moments. And so now when you get To, I have to, how do I do empathy? What’s the Us plan. It something must, something must have happened. You seem really upset, right? So you’re putting words that you are letting them know, like I get it. I can see your perspective. You’re not taking it personally.
0 (15m 5s):
Wow. Like they they’re like, Oh, like let’s say we’re lets just say it. Like they were like, like, why do you have to be so stupid? Let’s say they call you a name. And instead of going into lecture mode, we call it, we keep ourselves calm. We take a breath and then we’ve done a lot of connecting. So we’re totally connected to our Kid and we know, they know, we think there are a good guy. We’ve done a lot of this or, Hey, I know when something like this is coming out of your mouth, there is something that that’s happened. There is something there’s something bugging you. We don’t take it personally. Right. We’re able to do that because we’ve done all of those other things and we’re, we’re really connected to our Kid.
0 (15m 50s):
So, you know, they call it a stupid or something like that. Why don’t you have to be so stupid and you’re like, Whoa, something must’ve happened. What’s going on? Why aren’t you? You know, you, you seem really upset with what’s going on. Tell me what’s underneath that. Nothing is just knowing I did something annoying. I’m not even aware of it. Tell me what was it? What did I do? What was it? And then, so you’re asking questions. You’re investigating. I did something annoying, really? Like you’re curious, but you’re also empathizing at the same time.
0 (16m 31s):
And you’re saying like, something like you seem really upset or are you seem really frustrated. So we’re putting words to their perspective. We’re not holding on to the words, even though they just called us name, but we’re saying worst case scenario here. Right? And I’m not saying you guys be a doormat, let your kids just start hurling insults. Because when you have productive conversations, what happens is when you’ve gone to the calm down corner within, and you have your plan for staying calm, you have your Kid plan, which is what we’re doing. A lot of regular connecting. We don’t have to get so hung up on every word right there in the moment, work going and come back and circle back to the name calling and, and the disrespect and them.
0 (17m 19s):
And that’s not deserving It but the time to do it is not right now when their, in their emotional brain. And we’re trying super hard to stay on our thinking brain and not to be sucked into our emotional brain. Right? So the time is not now to start correcting. So all we want to do is empathize in that moment, which is like, you seem super frustrated, your super annoyed. Wait, did I do something annoying? What was annoying? I’m not even aware of it. Tell me, tell me more. We’re we’re saying I I see that you’re super frustrated. I okay. I hear you. That I’m being annoying. Like tell me, I don’t even know. I’m not even aware of it.
0 (17m 60s):
Let’s say we told them to do their homework. And so we are aware of it and they’re like, Ugh. So knowing nag, nag, nag, nag, nag. Oh, all right. You don’t wanna do your homework right now. So me telling you to do your homework is super annoying and it says, and I sound like a nag, right? That is still just empathizing putting words to their experience. Basically. You’re just mirroring back whatever they said. And you’re saying it in like a, not a rude way. So you’re actually modeling in that moment, how to properly T to communicate your own feelings, you’re putting words to their emotional language and you’re modeling how to do it in a respectful way.
0 (18m 44s):
You’re not lecturing them about how that they should show, respect your actually doing respect and modeling. It do, y’all see how much more effective that is. And so then they’re like, yeah, you sound like a nag. I don’t want to do my homework. So right. Like you are spent after a full day at school. Is it the last thing on your mind is doing your homework right now? All right. I hear that. I hear ya. I get it. Okay. So like, what did you want to, what was your time frame? When did you wanna get your homework done? Would you rather like go play outside for a little bit? Like, tell me, tell me what would work for you.
0 (19m 25s):
So then they’re like, yeah, I don’t want to do it right now. Okay. When do you want to do it? I dunno. In 30 minutes. Great. It’s not a big deal. All you have to say was momma had a really long day today. I would like to take 30 minutes just to chill and relax. And then in 30 minutes I’ll do the homework. Like that’s all you had to say. You didn’t have to tell me that I was stupid or annoying or a nag. You didn’t have to do it. All you have to do is to say it’s totally reasonable and it makes sense. But when you, when you start off the bat by name calling, like it sorta makes me want to do the opposite of that. Like does that you see? And so now you’re having a productive conversation and you’re doing it in the moment, right.
0 (20m 10s):
And we’re modeling the right way to do it. So that Us plan the empathizing, the PRODUCTIVE conversation. It really can only happen. You guys, when you’ve been doing the Parent plan, the Kid plan write, it can only happen when those two things have been happening and now you can move on to the Us plan. And then it just grows and builds and grows and builds. And yes, he goes and he does his thing and he does his homework. And then later on y’all are hanging out. And you’re like, you know, earlier, when you really didn’t want you to do your homework right after school, which was reasonable.
0 (20m 51s):
But instead of just telling me, you’re like called me stupid and a nag and started calling me names. Like, I know that’s not who you are, but when you were frustrated, how about just telling me I had a long day or I’m frustrated and tell and talking about how you feel and what you need rather than hurling insults my way. I don’t deserve that. Do you think I deserve that C? So when your talking about it now at a non-relevant time, the moment has passed and you’re not preaching and you’re not telling them all the ways that, you know, there are a jerk and a crepe and they are really disappointed. You, no, you’re just advocating for yourself.
0 (21m 35s):
You’re being assertive. You’re showing your pack leadership. And you’re talking about it at a time where they are in their thinking brain and they can actually hear you. And the point of that is, is that when we teach them things at the right time, when their, in their thinking brain, guess what happens, it improves future behavior. We ended up having more productive conversations, more productive conversations before, you know, it were a family that can talk about anything and everything. It’s never going to be perfect. We’re still going to have heated moments. We’re still going to call each other names sometimes, and we can always come back and come back and come back and get back on the same page and be in a connected relationship.
0 (22m 17s):
All right. I got to go get the lashes done. Hope you guys have a great one. Bye.
1 (22m 23s):
Have you read my book, the Parent gap or have you listened to my book? The Parent gap? I doubt you’ve listened. Cause my publisher hasn’t released it yet on audible. However, I had the audio version of a Parent gap that I would love to send to you. You can download it at Mastermind Parenting dot com For slash book that’s Mastermind Parenting dot com for slash book for your free audio version of the Parent gap. You’re welcome. I.