Is your kiddo quick-tempered and even “defiant” more often than you’d care to admit?
If you’re nodding hell to the yessssss…
I think you’ll find this week’s short podcast helpful.
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About Randi Rubenstein
Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.
She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.
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Hey podcast listeners. I’m taking a little pause from the podcast this summer, but I wanted to include some little short clips and have tips and tools that I’ve been sharing in my private groups as a way to stay in touch in the summer. Enjoy
My name’s Randi Rubenstein and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast where we believe when your thoughts grow the conversations in your home flow.
Hey guys, welcome to this week’s little summer blog series. I want to talk about something that I call defense mode when kids are just, they just seem defiant and they G just nothing. They just don’t want to cooperate. And any little thing will set them off and we’re just not sure what’s going on. Why everything has to be a struggle. Everything has to be such a big deal. And this is what I would invite you guys to look at CA there’s the same as a new author named Dr. Ross green, and he’s he has this quote and he says, kids do well if they can.
0 (1m 14s):
So when you have a child that is showing up in what I call it, the defense mode, where they are just constantly defensive in a defensive state of mind, they are doing that because they’re acting on the outside of the way they feel on the inside. And it really has to do with lacking skills of some sort, and quite often kids that are super defensive and filled with a lot of anger. They quite often have a lot of anxiety. And, and I think these kids have sensitive nervous systems. And I, you guys may have heard me talk about this before, but there’s this theory how the highly sensitive person theory HSP by Elaine Aron, who talks about how 20% of the population has a more sensitive, nervous system where you feel things in a bigger way, smells or smell your tags are itchy, or hair cuts are more difficult than itchy and in it an icky, you know?
0 (2m 21s):
And so, and so noises are louder a lot of times and, and they get hyper-stimulated. And when you go around in that kind of hyper-stimulated state, it’s, it’s kind of like this, you have these heightened stress hormones raging through your body. And so you’re just, it’s like, you know, like when you’re on edge, when you haven’t gotten enough sleep or something, and just any little thing can set you off. Well, these little people, they walk around feeling like that and it can feel, it can make you feel anxious. Like you’re just always ready to be attacked are, you know, on guard.
0 (3m 4s):
And so if you have a child that seems defiant, that seems defensive, that’s constantly just ready to power struggle with you. I invite you to start seeing differently and understanding that they wish they could just say, Hey, I feel all of this intensity inside my body, and I don’t know how to cope with it, but I’d love for you to help me. And I don’t know how to tell you to help me. So I’m just going to act super defiant and on attack all the time, ready to attack all the time. I don’t know how else to deal with this.
0 (3m 47s):
Like I’m super stressed out and I’m feeling anxious and would love you or adult with the fully developed brain to not take my behavior personally. And to see that I just need help. I just need help. And so please don’t react. When I act jerky, just help me, you know, stay calm and helped me to figure out whatever the thing is that I’m frustrated with. We’ll talk like I’ll develop as, as you understand anymore, I will step out of this place of defensiveness. I will step out of the defense mode and then you’ll get to see the person underneath, but I don’t know how to do that.
0 (4m 27s):
So that’s what our kids are telling us. And I just hope that maybe something here resonated with you. If you have one of these kids, because I promise you, they need your help, not your admonishment. So that’s what I have for you this week. Have a great weekend.
1 (4m 46s):
Have you read my book, the parent gap? Have you listened to my book? The parent gap? I doubt you’ve listened because my publisher hasn’t released it yet on an audible. However, I have the audio version of the parent gap that I would love to send to you. You can download it at Mastermind Parenting dot com For slash book that’s Mastermind Parenting dot com For slash book for your free audio version of the parents that you are welcome. I.