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73: To Force or Not to Force Grandparent Affection

By July 30, 2019November 9th, 2023Mastermind Parenting Podcast
73: To Force or Not to Force Grandparent Affection
Q: My mom gets really upset when my kids refuse to hug and kiss her hello or goodbye? Should I make them?
My answer combines old school values about respecting your elders with a new fresh approach on the summer series.
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Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.

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0 (0s):
Hey podcast listeners. I’m taking a little pause from the Podcast this summer, but I wanted to include some little short clips as tips and tools that I’ve been sharing in my private groups as a way to stay in touch with the summer. Enjoy

1 (16s):
My name’s Randi Rubenstein and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast where we believe when your thoughts grow the conversations in your home flow.

0 (30s):
Hey guys, welcome to this week, summer vlog series about raising Mastermind mascot’s, who were able to go out and to the world as their best selves. And this week I wanted to cover a topic that I’ve heard many times over the years and even experienced in my own life. And it has to do with Grandparent kissing Grandparent affection. So I’ve got a question saying my mom gets really upset when my kids refuse to hug and kiss her hello or goodbye Should I make them. So my answer is once again, let’s combine the old and the new, some of the old school values and the new age methods is that don’t break a little or shame kids because remember the, the new age way is we want kids from a very young age to understand that their bodies are their own and that no one is allowed to touch your body in any way, without your permission and consent.

0 (1m 37s):
This is how we start teaching about consent culture from a very young age who are girls and our boys. So this is how we start educating them out a very young age. I’ll never forget my little niece, and this has just what’s most recent in my mind. My little niece, Isabel was with me at my mom’s house when she was probably two and a half. She’s now three and a half, almost four. And, and my mom is not her grandmother. So she’s my niece on my husband’s side of the family. And so my mom, of course, like so exciting, my kids are so much older is so exciting. And when we get to have a little tiny one around and some of my mom was so excited, my mom wanted to give her a hug and a kiss.

0 (2m 23s):
And Isabel is surrounded with lots of older siblings and older, you know, she’s the youngest by a lot in our family. So she’s smothered with lots of attention and affection, but she kind of, you know, she kind of recoiled and my mom was just kind of sitting there and, and I, and the way I handled it was, I said, I said, Oh, as a goal, you don’t know Mimi. I said, this is me, me, me, she’s my mom. And I said, I said, it’s okay if you’re not comfortable and they’d give a hug or kiss. I said, how about a little high five? And so then I went and modeled it with my mom.

0 (3m 5s):
I modeled a high five. I remember kids are learning by watching us way more than by listening to us. And as long as you stay calm and cool, it doesn’t have to be a big deal was actually a good sign that I had to and a half, she knew that she had a say and who she shared her affection with. And I didn’t want to undo that. And I also wanted to combine some of the old school common sense, which is Mimi is my mom. I wanted her to know like, this is someone important to me.

0 (3m 45s):
Also. I wanted her to know, you know, there’s a sense of, we do want our kids to respect their elders. We do want them to go to school and respect their teachers, respect their elders. We want them to have good manners. Like this are just some old school values that are good stuff. Because when you show up in the world as a little tiny human and you show other people, respect your elders, your peers, guess what? You’re a person who value, who shows people. I value You and we know that we get, we get what we give. So then they automatically start to understand.

0 (4m 28s):
I give respect and I deserve respect. It ties in towards Venus. So I wanted her to know that that she absolutely didn’t need to hug her, kiss me, me. She doesn’t even know me MI and we’re going to show me me is that we’re going to acknowledge her. We’re going to show her some respect. I didn’t need to lecture her about it. All I needed to do was model it. It takes a mastery of your mind to be able to do it because any time you’ve got a little kid and a Grandparent around, we all know what grandparents do, the judge, right? Like we’re used to it. And, and, and we don’t want to be judged. We don’t want the kids in our care to be judged. I mean, even though Isabelle’s not officially mine, I’m not her mom.

0 (5m 11s):
I love her to pieces. And I don’t want her to be judged. She’s delicious and delightful. And I wanted my parents to enjoy her. So I just modeled that behavior. So I think that again, it’s combining the old and the new, I would encourage you. If you have a child that recoils with their own grandparents and that’s their grandparents, we want to teach them how absolutely our grandparents’ or to be loved and respected. So we want to talk about them ahead of time. We’re going to see Nan and Pop’s and there are so excited to see you that love you so much.

0 (5m 51s):
Oh, my gosh. Pops is so funny. He and Nan makes her special cheese straws. I wonder if we’re going to, I wonder if there are any made, I wonder if she’s going to have them for us. She takes so much time to make those delicious cheese dries. Lets go over there and see. And then when we walk in the door, you just model, you give the grandparents a hug and kiss yourself and then you can gently say, Oh, go get the Manor pops. You know, go give it a go, go say, had an ant. A Popsicle, gave them a hug. And if your child is in a mood or whatever, and your child’s like, ah, I don’t want you. And you’re like, ah, and not feeling it today. And then you just go with them and you’re like, hi, Nan. We’re not feeling it today. But we are excited to eat some cheese straws.

0 (6m 32s):
We were really excited to come over. You just kind of take the ball and run with it. Don’t make it into a bigger deal than it needs to be. And most importantly, you want to model the behavior. You seek model the behavior. You see don’t lecture about it. You just give Nan and Pop’s hug and kiss. Hello and goodbye. You would just encourage you and say, I’ll give it to me anyway. You know, they’re so excited to see you. It will give her a quick hug and kiss. You know what we were talking about? Just run with it, go with it. And if your child is not in the mood now they’re not in the middle of this time. We don’t need to make it into a big deal. We don’t need to explain ourselves to the Grandparent. We don’t need to lecture the kids.

0 (7m 13s):
It’s not a big deal. So this is a dance between once again, between the old and the new common sense is we respect our elders. We show up, we give a greeting. We, when we’re seeing people for the first time, when we come over or when we leave, we look at them in the eye, but we just modeled that and then we gently encourage them to do so. So I just want y’all to remember you’re the pack leader. You set the tone, as long as you’re more concerned about Grandparent judgment, it’s all probably going to go South and not go the way that you wanted to.

0 (7m 55s):
But remember the little kids they they’re finicky. Sometimes they’re in the mood for it. Sometimes they’re not none of it. It’s a big deal and it’s not a little kid’s job to take care of an adult. We can be the adults. We can keep it all in perspective and we don’t need to blow out any of it out of proportion. So that’s what I’ve got for you today. Have a good one.

1 (8m 21s):
Have you read my book, the parent gap. Have you listened to my book? The parent gap? I doubt you’ve listened because my publisher hasn’t released it yet on audible. However, I have the audio version of the parent gaff that I would love to send to you. You can download it at Mastermind Parenting dot com For slash book that’s Mastermind Parenting dot com For slash book for your free audio version of the parent that your welcome I.

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