In this episode, we have a situation involving a boy who confided in his mom about a fear he’d been having for over a year. Tune in to hear coaching clips from our convo. Enjoy!
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Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.
She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.
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You’re listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode 74,
My name’s Randi Rubenstein and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast where we believe when your thoughts grow the conversations in your home flood.
So in this podcast, I’d included a series of clips from a conversation I was having with one of my Mastermind moms, where she shared with me that they, her family had been in an unfortunate event a about a year ago when they were out of town and were in a restaurant. And there was a scary situation where somebody came in and held up the restaurant and everything turned out to be fine, but they had to like leave the restaurant and go next door.
0 (1m 3s):
And she had even kind of forgotten about it because it was like a close call kind of situation. And now it’s a year later and she was going with her oldest son who was about 10 to pick up dinner for the family and they parked and she said, okay, we’ll just run in and grab the dinner. And he confided in her that he was scared to do so. And he wanted her to come with him. And he said, you know, that if the thing that happened in San Diego, actually, I think about it a lot. And it really made me scared. And so I’ve been thinking about it every time we go into a restaurant ever since then.
0 (1m 45s):
So she left me a message and said, well, you advise how we should handle this. So I just left her a message, quick message back, basically talking to directly to her son so that they could just kind of handle it in real time. And what I really want you guys to focus on is that we were taught this mom in particular, we’ve kind of moved on to the graduate level of the program, where we are doing what I call it, the Jedi mind tricks and the mind mastery and where we really focus on what are we thinking and how we are, our thoughts don’t control us.
0 (2m 28s):
We actually have the ability to notice our thoughts and realize that everything that we’re thinking causes us to feel a certain sensation in our body, which causes us to act in a certain way and ultimately chooses our results in life. And so when we change our thoughts, we change our results and it’s a pretty high level concepts. And it is something that you learn to do and you learn how to do it better and better and better in time. It makes more sense, but its kind of this esoteric, the, and she and I had been discussing, how do we teach this to our kids? Like what if our kids could learn this during childhood?
0 (3m 8s):
Like, like who will they become as adults when they realize they are actually in charge of their brains? And they have a say in the matter. So I just kinda took the opportunity to walk in through this and to it kind of teach him in this relevant situation, how to notice when you’re scared of something that there’s something happening in your brain and that it causes a sensation and your body. And I kind of walked him through how to do this. And so I just thought that this might be of interest to you. You guys, so Enjoy right after something scary happens. Or sometimes even for a while later, we still continued to think about it.
0 (3m 55s):
And all that means is that it just made a big impact in our brain. And it was scary having to leave a restaurant. I mean, that’s never happened to me. So I would, I can tell you the likelihood of that happening is really small and you guys were just in the wrong place on the wrong time. Somebody’s told me a long time ago that they used to be scared of flying on airplanes, but then they read the statistics about how infrequent it is that a plane will crash, how cars crash way more frequently. And so then they realized they were just like making themselves crazy for no reason.
0 (4m 36s):
And there are like every time I hear about a plane crash and I’m like, Oh, it’s super safe to fly now because the statistics, the statistics are so low, the likelihood of it happening again so quickly are really, really low. So they’re just kind of play games in their own brain about it and kind of talk themselves out of it. But I think that the most important thing is first, if you are scared about something, like if something freaked you out, you have to just like, don’t try and push it away and just be like, Oh yeah, that was scary. And I’m a little King and it was freaked me out. I was nervous and I would not like it.
0 (5m 17s):
And we kind of noticed wa when you felt scared, like where are you feel it in your body when you feel scared? Like there’s your throat close up? Does your heart start to race really fast? Because then, you know, whenever you get that sensation, you’re feeling scared again. And actually really interesting because whenever you see something that reminds your brain of sometime that was scary in your brain, a lot of times we’ll cause your body to react and the same way she used to the Island grill. And even though it’s probably nothing like the restaurant in San Diego, but something says to your brain a, a, a restaurant’s or anything happened, go into panic, you know, protect yourselves.
0 (5m 59s):
And so we can quite often like, cause an issue because some things reminding our brain of another time when we were just scared. So I find that it helps to just like acknowledge that you were scared. It’s almost like make friends with it. But like, yeah, that was scary. That sucked. Don’t try to talk to yourself out of it if it was scary. And then once you S and you notice where you have feel it in your body and you are like, yeah, I was scared and it kind of still freaked out about it. Every time I see something, when you talk about things, it’s something very cool starts to happen. It’s you start to get a little less scary and your brain for us to be a little less triggered when you start to tell your brain, Oh, actually it’s really unlikely that that would ever happen to a person.
0 (6m 45s):
And how unlikely is it to happen to somebody more than once? So I’m actually probably more in the clear than other people. And then you start to kind of talk yourself off a ledge about it over time, you dissolve that fear and it goes away. But the first place that I would start is just acknowledging it and don’t try to push it away. Just acknowledge, acknowledge. It’s still here. Like that makes a big impact of my brain and I’m still kinda freaked out about it. And they’re so good. It’s not a big deal. And you just, the more you acknowledge it, the more you talk about it, the less of a hold that will happen for you. Okay. Okay. We are driving home and we just listened and I haven’t even given him a chance to talk, but do you realize what just happened?
0 (7m 34s):
You and I were joking earlier today about how we needed doctors on call. Like we just came up with something and I had the BIP doctor on call on the same kind of thing. And that you’re not a doctor, but you are better than a doctor to be honest. And that’s what that just felt like, God, I’m so lucky. You’re funny. And, and I love that. I, I know Jake a little bit and I can picture him. And, and so I know like my main thing is is Jake.
0 (8m 17s):
I just want you to know, like, you’re totally normal. And the fact that like, you’re telling your mom, Hey, listen, this is going on for me. And you’re not just holding that inside. Like a lot of kids would do it. Actually. It makes a ton of courage to be able, especially as a boy, because boys are told, like, we have to beat y’all to be so tough and whatever. So they’ll be like, Hey, kind of have a situation that is stick with me. And like having the courage to say I’m afraid of something like that is so powerful. So I just want you to celebrate yourself for that. And that’s the, that’s what I tell my kids all the time is like, Y when you tell us, well, we can talk about anything and everything like calm people, solve problems.
0 (9m 5s):
When we talk about things, we don’t have to live in fear. We don’t have to be freaked out forever cause we can talk about it and then we can solve the problem and figure it out. Like there’s nothing, that’s not figure out a ball. So, so awesome.
1 (9m 20s):
Have you read my book, the parent gap, have you listened to my book? The parent gap? I doubt you’ve listened because my publisher hasn’t released it yet on an audible. However, I had the audio version of the parent gap that I would love to send to you. You can download it at Mastermind Parenting dot com For slash book that’s Mastermind Parenting dot com forward slash book for your free audio version of the parents that your welcome I.