75: The Big Back to School Mistake

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You are listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode 75.

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My name’s Randi Rubenstein and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast where we believe when your thoughts grow the conversations in your home flow.

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Well, hi guys, I want to make you a call back to School support Podcast and I know many have you guys who are the type of people that listen to Parenting podcast usually have a plan of back to school plan, and you’ve learned a few things over the years, and maybe you’re even not like me, but a super type a type person. Or do you have your system that you’re ready to implement your systems? That is not me. And this is my husband, but that is not me. But even for those of you who are like this, this episode is for everyone. So what’s one of the, what’s the biggest mistake that we typically make when we’re planning for back to school, because yes, even if you’re not type a, we do need to have a plan in place because transitions are hard for kids.

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We all know that. That’s why it’s always a little bit of a Rocky road. So I’m going to give you three tips at the end of this podcast, have what I think really helped you set it really set you up for a better and smoother transition into a really great school year. And, and so I will share those, but I want to first tell you the big mistake that many of us make. We don’t start with a productive conversation. So often it’s like we get this system and this idea in our head, and maybe we even have a little anxiety about knowing that this shift is coming and there is going to be a lot of responsibilities for all of us, including, you know, the parents, especially this is pretty stereotypical, but the moms, like how much falls on us, right?

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So we get this system and this plan, and maybe if you’re like me and you are a non systematic person naturally, that’s how your brain is wired. It takes a lot of brainpower for me to systematize things. And so, so I’ve got the system, you’ve got the system and then you’re like, listen, guys, this is the way it’s going to go. We’re going to have a much better school year than we did last year. Last year, there was forgotten homework. There were multiple trips back up to the school. There are all those things that we are not doing, that this is the deal. This is what we’re doing. So, so I think that the mistake we make is we come in as a drill Sergeant and it really feels lecturing.

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And, and look as humans. Do you want to cooperate with someone that is barking orders at you or you don’t necessarily feel like you’re on the same team? No, you don’t. So we want to come at it from that place of we’re going to have a productive conversation. So we’re going to show up with the PAC leadership. We’re going to show up with a little bit of pre-planning and we’re also going to involve the people. So how do we have a productive conversation? My process, as many of you guys know is S a P and SAP or SAP is how to have a productive conversation by infusing empathy into the communication exchange, without feeling like a SAP.

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Of course, I have to make it kitschy so you can remember it cause this works and it helps it. And these little games help the brain to remember so SAP to have a productive conversation. So during the S part, the seeing their perspective, we’ve got to come at it from a place of seeing their prospective and the best way to do it, where you actually involve them. And you get buy in is own, whatever roll you have played in the past. For not going so smoothly, right? So if you were the person who was yelling mom in the morning, and many of us have been there, trust me, I get it.

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Then you own that part. And you say, Hey guys, this school’s coming up obviously. And I notice that, and we, you probably did too. We tend to get a little stressed, especially in the morning around school. And things can be rough going from summer. And a later start, time to camp starts later. We’ve had lots of fun, relaxing time. We’ve had a lots of vacations, whatever we’ve had and the school year, everything tightens up. And I noticed that I become kind of a stress ball during the school year, especially during the morning or when I get panicked about you. Guys’ not getting to bet on time.

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So I’m, you know, I know that it’s not helpful. Have you all notice that I become a little different version of me that maybe I see more relaxed in the summer? I don’t know. Do you have you on notice that? So as you see their perspective, their perspective is why is mom have to be such a ball of stress during a school or school or a chill they have found out, you know, that’s their perspective. So you’re just putting it out there and owning like, yeah, I get stressed. You’re not saying, and if you would just get all your shit done, we would have it all. I hate when I curse on here, I really try to keep it clean. If you get it all done, then everything could run more smoothly.

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’cause that’s feels like blame. When you go to the place of blame, I guess what, you’re not gonna have a productive conversation. No one wants to take the blame. Nobody wants to be blamed. Right? So you just got to see it from their perspective. Mom’s kind of a stress case during the school year. Right. I noticed that we get kind of stressed out and I get kind of stressed out and I’m like barking orders. And it’s just, that’s just not that wasn’t ever my plan. And I mean, have y’all noticed that, do I seem different in summer than I do during the school year? Is there an E and C? It’s just, you’re just saying it. And then you a actively listen, which is literally just reflecting back, whatever they say.

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So you want to prompt them during the, see their perspective part to start talking. So anything they say, they’re like, yeah, you’d like

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Yell at us all the time in the morning and you’re

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Like, or yell. Why does it feel like that? So I stress you out in the morning. Is that what you’re telling me? Yes. And then when you go to school, are you like, does it take you a little while to unwind and to come down side note? Just so y’all know when we do start our days in this way, we literally are sending our kids off to school at a deficit for a learning, because it takes a couple hours for those cortisol levels to cut those stress levels, to come down on them. So we really do need to get this right, because most of us it’s important. We want our kids to be successful in school. And so when we send them out a deficit, it’s, it’s worse than sending them without breakfast, without fuel.

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We’re sending them with heightened cortisol. Okay. Back to the PRODUCTIVE conversation. So, so when they started to tell you, yeah, you’re like, Ugh, so gas so that it feels stressful. So you already have like a whole day on your plate. You got to know you’ve got to go and you’ve gotta do all the things that school and sitting on that desk and, and maybe the board part of the time. And then I’m over here, stressing you out before you go and have that kind of day. That doesn’t feel very helpful. So actively listening is you mirror back, you reflect. And sometimes you even kind of connect the dots of things that they may not be saying, but you can tell their thinking, because that really feels so connected. I mean, think about it when somebody says something and you’re like, are you in my head?

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You feel like they get me. Like they really get me. And that’s what we want our kids to feel about us, because that is empathy that is taking empathy and making it into a verb where we’re doing empathy. They feel it. And now we’ve got to people having a conversation from this part, from their brain state that is, you know, the executive part of your brain, right. That’s where all of the awesome decision-making and that’s where your, your smartest self. So when we, when we use empathy, we actually are having an impactful conversation that they’re going to remember when we lecture and start off as the drill Sergeant, they’re not, they are going to get defensive.

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It’s a natural reaction to get defensive. When you feel like somebody is blaming you or attacking you. So when we come at it from this approach, we’ve got to people who were in the right brain state. So then when we move on to the PE part in the problem solving, umm, you really want to kind of say, so like, do you have any ideas for how things can run more smoothly during the morning and after school and before bed, like what are your ideas? Do you have any, and you kind of, you prompt them to see it and anything they say you’re like, interesting. I like where you’re going with that. Can you say more? So you’re really involving them.

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Where are you are going to get to, is your gonna share your new rules? This is where you get to come in and say, well, I’ve been thinking about it. And these are three ways of, I think we will be way more successful and less stressed out during the school year. So, you know, you’ve done the S in the AA, right? The scene, their perspective and the act of listening, the empathy part, right? When you get to the P the problem solving and they don’t resist you sharing your tips and your perspective. So when you get there, if they get defensive, just back it up and do more empathizing, really, and this may not wrap up in one session.

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These productive conversations can go on for a little bit, but when you’re going to tie it up, these are the three tips I would recommend that you cover during the process of how are we gonna have a more successful school year. Number one, we’re going to have a rule of no devices in the car. So if you drive your kids to school, if you pick them up, if you drive them to activities, it’s so here’s the new rule. We’re going to put all the devices. If your kids are old enough to have devices that are, if they’re on iPads or whatever, we’re not, no more devices in the car, in the car. We’re going to talk. We’re going to listen to music. We’re going to get, we’re going to connect.

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We are going to plan like that. It’s our time together as a family. And the truth of the matter is I know that you guys don’t want me texting and driving. Am I wrong? So I’m not a, I’m not a taxi driver. I’m not a chauffeur. Like I’m, I’m, I’m the mom. So if I can’t be on my device, no one else can be on their device either. It’s what’s fair. Does that make sense to you guys? So from now on to make sure that we follow this rule, we will be putting all the devices. The second weekend in the car, all devices will go in the glove compartment. Number two, I noticed that last year, there was a lot of return trips to school. Mom, I forgot my homework.

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It’s gone. I need to go back and get something out in my locker. I forgot my gym bag, or I forgot this, or I forgot that. And it’s, it doesn’t work. I, I it’s, it’s a very stressful return trips to School. So everyone is going to need to be more responsible for their stuff. And we’re going to have a one return trip to the school policy or a semester

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For sure. One, one as well,

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One return trip to School. So if you forgot your homework and you want to go up to your locker, is that the one time you want to use it? Or do you want to maybe call a friend and see if you can figure it out like that? You really want to have to think about it. I’m going to stick to this one return trip. So if you’ve used your one return trip and all of a sudden you forgotten your computer, or you forgotten your lunch, or you forgotten whatever it is, if you’ve already used your one, your one return trip to School, then you’re going to have to go without and figure it out and deal with the consequences of not re not showing up with your stuff. Now I’m doing this because it’s going to help.

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I’m not going to go to college with you guys. And this is going to help train your brain to figure out your system. Maybe you need a checklist, whatever it is you’re going to have to figure out your system and doing this is going to help your brain to remember. It’s not helpful to you for later. If I keep returning to school and return and saving the day, because you’re going to get to college and you’re not going to remember, or know how to be responsible for your own things. So this is why I’m doing this. I love you too much not to do this. And it causes a lot of stress and chaos. And the third thing is we are going to get ready for the school year and earlier, wake up time.

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So starting in three days before school starts, we are going to start getting in bed earlier and waking up earlier. And everyday it will be a little bit more. And so by the day before School will be back on the school’s schedule. And you’ll wake up the day before school. You’ll wake up at the same time as if you are going to school and you’ll go to bed that night, the same time, you will go to bed on a school night so that we can be really ready when school starts in our body’s have adjusted. So that’s how we’re going to do. That’s how we’re going to operate. Cause you know what? We are going to have an amazing 2019, 2020 school year. And, and I just know, I know that it’s going to be successful for everyone.

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So it’s really important for us to start it out this way. How does that sound to you guys are such an awesome team, raw session, all that stuff. So that’s how we show up impact leadership have a productive conversation. Everyone is on the same page. Everyone has been involved and we, and we get it. We’ve, Establish what the rules for the school year are and what the consequences are. One return trip to school. And if that doesn’t happen, then guess what? You’re gonna have to deal with the consequences of you forgetting, right? And it will help your brain to remember. So we’ve had that happen. And we’re going to say, so, remember, you’re establishing the rules.

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You’re gonna repeat these rules are often. And then we’re going to have to follow through consistently the hardest part, not returning to school. When your kid calls you and says, I have a soccer game and I forgot my soccer Jersey, right? Super hard, super hard to follow through. And no that you have to allow your kid to fail so that can ultimately succeed in the long run. So, okay. That’s what I’ve got for you guys. And I want, I want to end on one last note. If you are a person who is listening to this podcast religiously and getting lots of great tips, but you haven’t noticed the needle moving away, the stress needle and your family in your household, moving towards Comme.

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It’s staying hovering around and chaos because your consuming this information, but you are not actually putting it into action. I want you to know a guy or a human. It’s very hard to create behavior change in your life. That’s why I have my membership community. We’re opening enrollment for the fall very soon. And what I want you to do, if you’re ready, you know, listening to this and you’re ready to truly create behavior change in your family in your life and have a more peaceful household and want you to reach out and email Lindsay at Randi Rubenstein dot com. That’s Lindsay, L I N D S E Y at Randi Rubenstein dot com and let her know I want to be in the membership.

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Give me the details. Give me the details. So email Lindsay at Randi Rubenstein dot com. We’re opening enrollment very soon. It will be closed by October 1st and we’re going to cap it at a certain number of members. And the people in my membership community are literally changing their lives. So I want this for you. If you’re ready to really get that stress needle to go towards calm and away from all that chaos. Life’s too short. We got to have more fun. You got to have more peace in our household. Okay, guys, have a fantastic week. Bye bye.

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Have you read my book, the parent gap. Have you listened to my book? The parent gap? I doubt you’ve listened. Cause my publisher hadn’t released it yet on an audible. However, I had the audio version of a parent gaff that I would love to send to you, or you can download it at Mastermind Parenting dot com For slash book that’s Mastermind care team.com/book for your free audio version of the parent. Get you’re welcome. I.