In this episode, I talk about a mom who resonated with a line from a book about not raising jerks. I go into the details about how not to raise a future jerk. Enjoy!
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About Randi Rubenstein
Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.
She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.
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You’re listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode 76,
My name’s Randi Rubenstein and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast where we believe when your thoughts grow the conversations in your home flow.
Well, hi guys, how are you today? I wanted to make you guys an episode about something I heard recently, things just, you know, I have these conversations with people and all of a sudden something comes to my mind. I’m like, oo, that’s a good, that’s a good topic to talk about. So somebody’s told me that they read something in a book and it was just one little thing that stuck with them. And it said, when it comes to raising my kids, I really just don’t want to raise a Jerk. And she goes on that one thing, it just stuck with me. Like, I just don’t want to raise a Jerk. And so she said, you know, every time my child acts defiant and I’ve done all of this learning and have learned all of this, that I know that a lot of times he’s in his, he’s in this state of defensiveness because his nervous system is taxed and he’s out a long day.
0 (1m 16s):
And of course there’s more to, there’s more to the equation when he’s acting on the outside. It’s really how he feels on the inside. I get all of this, but I can’t help it. That when he acts in these ways, my brain goes to this place of, Oh no. What if he turns out to be that person that goes out into the world and treats other people like this? Like, I don’t like when he treats me like this and what if he is that person? So she’s just like, you know, I can’t, you know, I really can’t kind of come to terms with that because no matter what, I just get so triggered, and this is what I want to tell you guys, when you learn Mastermind Parenting and truly learn it and embody it, practice it, take action, retrain your brain where these tools start coming naturally, especially the empathetic communication piece, which I find does not come naturally for most of us, because most of us were raised with the authoritarian.
0 (2m 21s):
Parenting where it’s like, you know, shove all of the values down the kids, throw in a lecture style and hope that it sticks. And so I’m, and really it’s like, you know, scaring the living daylights out of them so that they are forced to comply and behave. And in theory it, you know, people, people, a lot of people stand behind that. But in reality, what most people are finding is that, well, I think all people is that that style of parenting works with 80% of the kids. It does. It works at about 80% of the kids who are don’t have a sensitive, nervous system.
0 (3m 6s):
It works until they get to the teenage years, thus teenage rebellion because that style of parenting involves a lot of fear and control and no human wants to be controlled. So something happens in the brain. When we get to the adolescent where we started to realize there’s science behind all of this, we started to realize that we got to have more have a say in the matter. So those 80% of the PE the population who don’t have a sensitive, nervous system and our just more typical temperamentally people are like, when they’re in little kid mode from birth to 12, and they’re like, Oh, comply. And somebody comes in to overpowers you and you just come pop comply.
0 (3m 47s):
When you get to adolescents, your brain goes through a pruning process where it starts to realize that it can, it can get rid of certain information and it doesn’t have to take everything in. And so that’s when the brain starts to challenge and figure out what can it prune away and get rid of and what does it need to keep? And in doing that, that’s where the teenage rebellion happens because of the child starts to learn, Oh, this person has been overpowering and controlling me. And I was doing what I thought I had to do, but now I realize that I, I actually don’t have to do exactly what they want to do and I can lie and be sneaky or talk back or resist and teenage rebellion happens.
0 (4m 34s):
So the other 20% of the population are for most of us who are here, who understand that we’ve got kids that are the other 20% that are in the strong-willed variety and have a sensitive, nervous system. Those kids, I actually feel like are a little bit more, it’s like, it’s like more of an authenticity from the get-go ’cause they’ve been resisting and rebelling from as young as you can, you know, as, as young as you can remember, they were like, maybe they’ve been resisting since they were six or nine months old, or even newborns buy, you know, crying a whole lot until they, until you figured out what need they needed to have met.
0 (5m 16s):
So the strong-willed ones have dug their heels and then early. And, and so when we learn This, Mastermind, Parenting way of communicating it not only is beneficial and, and works great with the strong-willed one’s it also is amazing with the other 80%, because the other 80% fine when they get to teenage hood, they don’t have to go through the roof. And because we’ve been, you know, so many PRODUCTIVE conversations, showing up impact leadership, helping them to feel safe in the world, by establishing the rules ahead of time, repeating them and following through consistently, by letting them know what’s coming and what’s happening and doing it in a collaborative way where they don’t feel like we are trying to overpower and control them.
0 (6m 9s):
Well, guess what? These kids grow up and they know right from wrong. And they don’t feel the need to go out into the world and act like jerks and over power and control other people. The way they have always felt overpowered in control. Because I really think that’s where jerkey behavior comes from people at on the outside, the way they feel on the inside. Like I’ve always said to my kids, happy people don’t go around spreading misery. You know? So when they’ve had a situation where a friend hurt their feelings or a teacher or anyone hurt their feelings, unlike what we know is only, first of all, it sucks to have your feelings for her. And it sucks to be on the receiving end of that kind of behavior.
0 (6m 51s):
And what we know is hurt. People hurt other people, right? Happy people don’t go around spreading misery. So people who are acting jerky feel terrible on the inside. And, and, you know, I always think about this one story of a family. My mom told me who I had worked with years and years and years ago. And I worked with her and her husband privately. And her daughter was in kindergarten and all year long in kindergarten, her daughter was in a class. And the teacher was a teacher who played favorites. And her daughter happened to be one of the teacher’s favorites.
0 (7m 34s):
And all year long, her daughter came home and was just distraught because of the treatment that the chief out of the teacher was giving to another student who he was a very disruptive student in the classroom. And the teacher just didn’t have the skills to know how to help that disruptive probably strong-willed student be more successful. That teacher didn’t know how to communicate with her in a way that was going to support her in feeling understood and be more successful. So the teacher just instead was constantly frustrated and annoyed, and it was very with this other student.
0 (8m 14s):
And it was very obvious to this little girl. So this little girl, even though kids are naturally egocentric, because she was a Mastermind mascot kid, she was so distraught by the treatment of this other child. And that’s what I’m saying. Like there was a, there was such a sense of moral justice and kindness. And it was like, just because the teacher’s nice to me when I sit by and watch her not be so nice to this other student, I can’t rest. Like, this is not right. And so she was telling her mom and telling her mom and telling her mom a year. And I remember when the mom would told me this ’cause it was after I had worked with them.
0 (8m 58s):
She just kinda gave me an update, check in with her and ask her for an update or to, and she told me this and I just said, wow. I said, you know what? I, at the age of what has that five, she already has such a sense of decency. So it just sends have right and wrong. Right. And so that’s what I’m saying is when we raise kids and they feel understood and they feel like we’re not just trying to overpower and control them, I promise you they don’t turn out to be jerks. Okay. That’s what I got for you is if you really, really want to sleep peacefully and know that you’re not raising a Jerk and you’re listening to the podcast and you don’t find that you’re taking as much action as you would like, I have a membership community we’re opening in opening up enrollment for the fall.
0 (9m 54s):
I want you to email Lindsay at Randi Rubenstein dot com Lindsay with an E Y at Randi Rubenstein dot com and let her know I’m ready. I want to join the fall enrollment. I’m ready to take action. And Lindsey will get you all the details so that you can sign up. I would love to have you in the membership if you’re ready. Okay. Guys, have a great week.
1 (10m 17s):
Okay. Have you read my book, the parent gap. Have you listened to my book? The parent gap? I doubt you’ve listened because my publisher hasn’t released it yet on audible. However, I have the audio version of a parent gap that I would love to send to you. You can download it at Mastermind Parenting dot com For slash book that’s Mastermind guarantee.com For slash book for your free audio version of the parent that your welcome I.