In this episode, I discuss the common pattern that exists in many families involving kids that seem to have no quit when it comes to demanding what they want when they want it. Sound familiar? If so, I think you’ll find the show very insightful and helpful. Enjoy!
- Mom guilt
- Pattern Repetition
- Demanding behavior
- Lack of boundaries
- Mind mastery
- Listening to your body whispers
- Typical reactions to badgering behavior
- Why the badgering behavior continues
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About Randi Rubenstein
Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.
She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.
At Mastermind Parenting, we believe every human deserves to have a family that gets along.
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You’re listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode 78.
My name’s Randi Rubenstein and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast where we believe when your thoughts gro the conversation’s in your home flow.
Hi guys. It’s Randi. I have a topic this week. That is interesting. And what I’m learning is that it happens too many people without even realizing that this is what’s happening to you. So if you resonate with this story, you’re going to, I just want you to know you’re not alone. It seems that many people resonate with the story about the kids that do that. Mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mom, do y’all remember. One of my nephews have that as a, as a ringtone a few years ago. And I don’t know. I think it’s from a cartoon, maybe it’s from like Phineas and Ferb or something, but I was like, ah, and it seems like This badgering Pattern is more common than I realized where kids just it’s like, there are a broken record.
0 (1m 17s):
They have no quit. And so I was with a Mom the other day, last weekend and she’s a mom that’s in my Mastermind and she’s been in my private mastermind for a couple of years and we are very close. And so we were walking and she has a one-year-old and a four-year-old and she, we were just, we were, while we were just taking a walk on this Saturday morning, we just wanted to catch up and we were on a walk. And, and so I said to her, or towards the end of the walk, I said, okay, are we close enough that I can say something to you without you feeling like I’m scrutinizing your Parenting because we let’s be honest.
0 (2m 1s):
Like, nobody wants to feel like you’re parenting is being scrutinized and it’s loaded for me. Like I, you know, when I run into people that have, could have worked with me or know about me or have been in my mastermind and I run into them, like at restaurants, they’re all I can tell that they have that like, Oh shit, look like, like I’m going to sit there and you know, and scrutinize and judge. And so for anyone who’s been listening to me or who has worked with me should no, like that’s what I stand for is no judgment. And that we’ve all been there and we’re all going through it.
0 (2m 42s):
And so we’re getting rid of that perfectionistic idea. However, I know it’s like, there are like, Ooh. So I said, are we close enough that I can just level with you? And you’re not gonna like get paranoid. She was like, no, please. Yes, of course. Come on. So I said, every time we’re talking, I started to notice that like, there’s a lot of interrupting happening from the four-year-old. And just from what I’m saying, this, she he’s like, mommy, I want to borrow mommy. I’m hungry. And it was like, this very Demanding tone. My mommy, I saw a bird, mommy, the bird was yellow.
0 (3m 22s):
Mom like every little tiny thing. And she’s trying to talk to me and she’s like, ah, okay. Yeah, no, I have a book. I don’t want that one. Yeah. And he touched it. I think it’s not the one that he touches the other, like she’s just kind of dealing with it and not even noticing. And I call that this being in your own blind spot. And so, so I noticed this pattern and I knew that she wasn’t noticing it, but I know how exhausting that pattern is. So I pointed it to pointed out to her and then the remainder of the walk she’s like, what do I do? And so I was kinda coaching her through it in the moment, which was super fun.
0 (4m 4s):
I have to say, because it literally took like half a block. And all of a sudden her four year old was getting what the program, like I had her go and get down on his level and I coached her through exactly what to say and how to teach him and how to respond. And then how do we ignore? And we did this little dance and it was like, bam, bam, bam. And she was like, Oh my gosh, this is a huge difference. And then she had been telling me about the baby having separation anxiety. And I said, I think this might be attached to a similar pattern. So like every time you are out of his sight, he has learned that he does these certain behaviors and all of a sudden you start dancing. And at the end of the day, all they want is You,
1 (4m 49s):
I’m super excited to dive into today’s topic. But before we do, here’s a quick word from our sponsor. Today’s episode is brought to you by the Mastermind Parenting membership, our exclusive private yearlong mastermind and the mastermind. You’re going to find a tribe of smart, determined, and even sometimes slightly rebellious parents who all happened to have at least one strong-willed kid. We dig in, we study our own brains and what’s coming up for us. When our kids are pushing our buttons. We also learned to see our kids differently and how to speak to them in a way that they can actually hear without the constant fighting and dictator type behavior. We change patterns that have often been in our families for generations. Doors are officially open and more enrolling for the Mastermind Parenting membership, fall cohort groups.
1 (5m 30s):
So if you are ready to get the coaching support, training resources and accountability, you deserve to finally take your family from a state of surviving to thriving. I want you to go to a mastermind Parenting dot com forward slash Lindsey that’s Mastermind parenting.com forward slash Lindsay with an E Y and book a free call. So we can learn more about you and determine whether the Mastermind would be a good fit,
0 (5m 56s):
Willing to be available at 24 seven. And even though it feels like a complete straight jacket and anybody who has a bad dream kid, you know what I’m talking about? Feels like the opposite of freedom. And, and, but yet, if you’re continuing to do it, then you know, the child is going to keep doing it, right? Because in some ways its working for them because all they want is you and your responding by giving yourself to them and your undivided attention over and over and over again, no matter if you’re talking to another adult, no matter if you’re doing something else. And so that’s why they continue doing it.
0 (6m 36s):
So we started talking about this Pattern and I was like, yeah it’s does it annoy you? She was like, Oh my gosh, it annoys the crap out of me. And I’m like, yeah, when something’s annoying, it means we got to make a change. So why do kids Badger and why do we continue to put up with it? That’s the question I have for you guys. And that’s what we’ve been talking about in my mastermind and many moms. I relayed this story to many of the moms in my mastermind and lots of them were like, Oh my God, your describing me. Yes, that’s me. How do we make this stop? How do I do this?
0 (7m 17s):
So why do you put up with it? And what I want to tell you is that it actually has to do with your thinking more than your child’s badgering behavior. Okay. And let me explain your child is doing this. ’cause like I said, they want to be with you as much as possible. And they know what they have noticed is, is that you’re responding to it. And so if your thinking and with this Mom I know this about this. My mom is that she has a working mom and she has a lot of working mom guilt.
0 (8m 1s):
And we’re constantly kind of talking about that. It’s quality, not quantity. And I said, this is your working mom. Guilt is like, when you’re there and you’re around you, don’t you feel like, well, I’m here. So yes, I’m here. I’m making up for lost time. And so what’s happening is that you’re putting up with it out of guilt because you are making up for lost time. And it’s super triggering that badgering, badgering, badgering behavior, but she’s choosing to suck it up because she sorta feels like she has to go to make up for lost time.
0 (8m 42s):
And what I want y’all to know is that when you are doing something that feels terrible and annoying and like a straight jacket, I promise you that you’re not really attending to them as, as much as you think that you are because it’s exhausting. So eventually what you’re going to do is you’re going to look for ways to check out and numb and feel better and not be present. And that, and they were like, mommy, mom, mommy, ’cause, you can’t deal with it. It’s a new one. And so, so what I want to tell you guys is maybe the badgering behavior takes you to a place of where you lose it.
0 (9m 28s):
Like that’s what a lot of people do because it’s very annoying behavior greats on your nerves. And so when you lose it and then you end up, you know, kind of feeling justified because maybe you blame it on your child’s labels. Like maybe you’re like, Oh, they can help it. They are super impulsive or, you know, they’re super oppositional and they just can’t help it. This is just part of their temperament. So you justify it and then you’re like, but it would be it anyone down. And so you lose it, but then ultimately you feel what, after you lose it, anytime you see, after you lose it, it might take a few hours, but it eventually you’re going to be like, I never planned on being the parent.
0 (10m 11s):
That was the Eller I never planned on exploding. And so you go to a place of blame where you’re like, I never planned to do this because you, so you feel ashamed that you exploded and then you yelled and that you’re doing all the things that you never intended to do. So then you go to that place of blaming as you blame the child for their behavior. And you know, maybe you look for something like a diagnosis to justify your own explosion and their behavior. And what I’m here to tell you is that what always follows guilt is permissiveness.
0 (10m 52s):
So you may be feel guilty because you’re not really enjoying your kids as much as you feel like you should. Do you have maybe with the bomb I was with you as a working mom, guilt you of some kind of guilt, but you know, you’re lying on your phone and all the time and you’re, and they were like, what Mom? And you’re like, yeah, like mama, you know, like I’m a, just a minute, I just need to send this one email. So maybe it’s that you feel guilty that, you know, you should be in the present moment, but you just can’t find yourself to be, or maybe you feel guilty because you are losing it and going to that explosive place. And you never planned on being that mom. And so permissiveness always comes afterwards because ultimately you’re going to feel guilty and then your going to make the decision and you’ll justify the decision why you should give them your child or the thing that they want it all along.
0 (11m 44s):
So maybe it’s your undivided attention. Like never putting a stop. Stop to that. Mommy, mom, mom, you know what the bird, Oh yeah, that’s a great bird. Anyway, blah, blah, blah, mommy. I would want that bar over here. You’re here. So you’re just either giving them your undivided attention in terms of like dancing for them. Like never shutting it down, never putting your foot down and pack leadership and being like enough, never protecting your own boundaries that you deserve to be treated with respect and not to constantly have every conversation or moment you’re in hijacked by a super Demanding child. So, so you are ultimately, you get in and it might be that, you know, they Badger to imagine and badgered to you about screen time and screen time and screen time and screen time when you put these rules in place, but they badgered and badgered and badgered.
0 (12m 36s):
And finally you’re like, I know now, and then you lose it on them, but then you feel guilty. So when you go back and talk about it, you’re like, you know what? It’s not that big of a deal. You can have your screen time back. You could just, will you be better tomorrow? And so you give in to that rule, maybe it’s that. They’re not following the rules of staying in bed after, you know, light’s out and they get up and they get up and they get up and they get up and they get up and they get up. And finally you just either explode and then feel guilty and let them come in here bed. Or You you just are like, fine. Forget it. This is exhausting. You know what? We need to get some sleep. Just come, just come, just come.
0 (13m 17s):
So you, so you, again, compromise your boundaries of you really want your bed to yourself and you didn’t want to share it. And you put these rules in place and you want everyone to be well rested and sleep trained in their own bed, but you can’t find the energy to enforce it because you just are not up for it. And so your child ultimately gets you the exact same thing that they wanted. Yeah. Maybe they were begging for some material, things like the toy or the expensive shoes or the something. And you’re like, no, when you gave him a whole lecture and you told them how they were so bratty and spoiled and entitled, and this is ridiculous and love on you, you know, you read them the riot act and then the tears start and then you feel guilty.
0 (14m 4s):
And then before, you know what you’re justifying, why you couldn’t go back and make the purchase and happy up and make them feel better. So all these things do is reinforce the badgering behavior, right? Because when something accomplished is the result that we were hoping for. Why wouldn’t we repeat it again? And again, no wonder our kids are doing it again and again and again. So if you want to break the pattern, you have to learn to master your mind so you can respond rather than react, then re overreact and lose it.
0 (14m 46s):
Or under rehab act by checking out and just being like, you know, I, I’m not going to enforce my own boundaries and I’m just going to dance like a circus monkey every time they want the thing. And so the pattern continues in the batter and continues in the patter continues. So you got to start listening to your body, right? So a boundary violation like badgering behavior is not okay. It’s not okay with any of us. It wears us down. It exhausts us. And I promise you guys, you deserve not to be beaten down and badgered. So you may be like, yeah, but how do I do this?
0 (15m 27s):
How do I do this? How do I get past this working mom guilt? Or how do I, you know, how do I stop checking out on my phone and feeling guilty about it? Like, how do I stop? This if you don’t know how to stop it, you guys, what I want to tell you is there’s a reason why behavior change is so hard. It’s because your brain has been programmed with a certain with, with, with a certain inner dialog for many years and you beat yourself up. And so it takes support and it takes time to reprogram the way you speak to yourself and the way you, you demand that you are treated right.
0 (16m 13s):
Many of us don’t think that we’re worthy of being treated in a way that feels respectful of our boundaries. And we have no clue how to enforce that. And so I just want you guys to know that I have support here for you. We open up enrollment twice a year. So to our Mastermind, the next cohort is starting October 1st. We are enrolling right now. If you want to find out more about the mastermind and if it’s right for you, I’d love you to book a free call. All you do is go to Mastermind Parenting dot com forward slash Lindsay as Lindsay with an E Y Mastermind Parenting dot com forward slash Lindsay.
0 (16m 55s):
Or if you want to break the badgering behavior or really any behavior that feels like a straight jacket in your body, because I’m here to tell you guys that you deserve to feel a sense of freedom in your body. So you’re not supposed to work for your kids. You’re not supposed to feel like you work for your kids and you’re not supposed to have this situation is it was never, it’s almost like it’s. It goes against the laws of nature for the kids to act like little dictators and for the parents to dance and to try not to set them off and to do all the things and just constantly make the people happy.
0 (17m 37s):
You all know that doesn’t feel good. And its, it was never intended to be that way. But if you’ve gotten into this pattern, it’s happened for a reason. I promise you we can change it. I just need to sit next to you for a bit and support you, but we can change it and I’d love to help you. Okay? You guys have a great week.
1 (17m 58s):
Hey guys, if you want to close the gap between the parent that you currently are, when the kids are pushing their buttons in the mirror, that you always have tended to be that calm, cool and collected parent, no matter what’s going on around you. I have my recipe of, for you. I wrote about it in my book, the parent gap. And I’d love to give you the free audio version or do you have to do is text the number or for 2022 that’s four, four, two to two and push the message in Mastermind Parenting Podcast all one word, all caps. Mastermind Parenting Podcast for two to two and we will send you over a free copy of my audio book, the parent gap ASAP.