In this episode, you’ll hear me coaching one of my Mastermind Mamas about her almost 3 year old who has suddenly become “destructo” girlie. I use Mastermind Parenting Pillar 2: All Behavior is Communication as the foundation to get curious and problem solve with her and uncover the root to little sister’s sudden troublesome actions (like throwing all the dinner napkins on the ground and knocking down older brother’s Lego creation).
I think you’ll enjoy hearing how we spin the scenario to see it differently to change Mom’s mindset and thoughts. Then I coach her and role-play how different it would look when she handles the situation with her new thinking. Oh and I think you’ll love my singing voice. Enjoy!
As always, thanks for listening, and be sure and head over to Facebook and you can join my free group Mastermind Parenting Community, where we post tips and tools and do pop up Live conversations where I do extra teaching and coaching to support you in helping your strong-willed children so that they can FEEL better and DO better. If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it!
About Randi Rubenstein
Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.
She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.
At Mastermind Parenting, we believe every human deserves to have a family that gets along.
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You’re listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode 80. Hi, my name’s Randi Rubenstein and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast where we believe when your thoughts grow the conversation’s in your home flow. So in this episode, you guys’, I just included a Clip from one of the coaching calls in my mastermind, and it is about the child that used to be the easy one. I used to be air quotes, the good one, not the strong-willed one.
And now all of a sudden it was just displaying behaviors that aren’t so Easy. So I coach a Mom on this exact situation, and I think it’s, this is something common that happened where when you start to notice that your strong-willed child seems to get more cooperative or creative and, and just easier in general, your easier kids. A lot of times it’s like, they’ve been just waiting their turn and holding it in and then they start acting up. So this seems to be a pretty common issue.
0 (1m 21s):
And I thought I’ve included on the podcast. So hope you guys like it. Well, it’s a tension, right? I would imagine it’s all the attention seeking behaviors, like, cause I’m going to react if she’s doing something to her brother or throwing the neck and all over the floor, running to the back of the van. So do you react every time or do let it go? I react a lot. Yeah. So, so, so if it’s a tension, what’s the solution. Well, I guess one, it would be giving her some more time together, like a few extra minutes, just us maybe to feel a little boy and she might be having or not doing anything about it or I do to choices.
0 (2m 7s):
Sometimes it just helps a lot in the car, but I mean, there’s not two choices when she is like knocking down her brothers, the beautiful things that he has been making forever, but it’s hard to like, just not doing anything. Cause like what we were trying to go somewhere, I know that that’s not going to work this, not going to work. You know, that’s what I’ve, I, I, I say it’s like, Mastermind Parenting is, is not this power over controlling, fixing solve. Like it’s this collaborative approach with PAC leadership is not permissive parenting. It’s like when I sat there with Alec and said, you are absolutely not driving back to Austin.
0 (2m 53s):
And he knew when I heard that voice, you know, the, the, the, the pack leader has spoken, you know, he knew, right. So, so that’s the thing is that, is that all of those behaviors is it, like, it doesn’t feel right to just let that stuff go. ’cause that would be like a total permissiveness, but she is acting out for a tension for a reason. And, and your one person, and you’ve been trying so hard to, you know, really get underneath a lot of the, you know, anxiety behaviors have her brother. And so there’s, it’s like we focus in on it.
0 (3m 36s):
It’s funny. Therapist’s will say, as soon as the identified patient gets to a better place, somebody else becomes the identified patient. And we all notice this with our strong-willed kids or are kids that kind of were the one, the impetus that, that caused us to learn this stuff and come take a parenting class when they get to a better place, always are easier ones start to show certain behaviors because we’ve been focusing so much on them there, like, hello, what about me? And I’ll do the negative attention thing, you know? Okay. So I think that’s, what’s going on with LA.
0 (4m 16s):
And so I think this is going to be a pretty easy pattern to disrupt as far as like that whole, like, I know it can be a steak in our heart of she is having to act out and get negative attention. Cause like she’s not getting enough positive attention. And that’s why I gave you that little explanation, because I don’t want you to go to a place of feeling guilty at all. Like you haven’t been proactive enough or a hands on enough. Mom it’s that you are one person and you’ve been very focused on your son. And now it’s time to focus on her and its a dance, right? It’s a dance. So I’m and eventually what they learn is Mom I am so connected with Mom and I’m so connected with dad that I have confidence.
0 (5m 1s):
I have, they are my safe place. And when they are giving attention to my sibling it’s school, I can wait. Like that’s what they learn. They we’ll get to that place and they won’t compete with each other. But it’s a little bit of a dance when they’re little and establishing that foundation.
1 (5m 18s):
I’m super excited to dive into today’s topic. But before we do, here’s a quick word from our sponsor. Today’s episode is brought to you by the mastermind Parenting membership, our exclusive private year long mastermind in the mastermind. You’re going to find a tribe of smart, determined, and even sometimes slightly rebellious parents who all happen to have at least one strong-willed kit. We dig in, we study our own brains and what’s coming up for us. When our kids are pushing our buttons. We also learned to see our kids differently and how to speak to them in a way that they can actually hear without the constant fighting and dictator type behavior. We change patterns that have often been here for our families for generations. Doors are officially open, a more enrolling for the Parenting membership, fall cohort groups.
1 (5m 59s):
So if you’re ready to get the coaching and support training resources and accountability, you deserve to finally take your family from a state of surviving to thriving. I want you to go to Mastermind Parenting dot com forward slash Lindsey that’s Mastermind parenting.com forward slash Lindsay with an EOI and book, a free call. So we can learn more about you and determine whether the mastermind would be a good fit.
0 (6m 24s):
Yeah. So what I would say is right now, I want you to, again, I guess this is the, I love you rituals. It was so funny. So I want you to start doing some proactive, little tiny things like the, I love you rituals with her proactively. Okay. So if you know meal time, if you know, meal time is an issue or, or whatever, then Xi, you see her eating or whatever I want you to just to go down and do you even do like, like you see your eating, like the loop, look at you, sweet girl.
0 (7m 6s):
You your body was hungry. Huh? Tell me what are, you know, and you do. It seems like it really like those teas. They yummy. Can I have, One just, just engaged with her in a little tiny ways. The Elidel I love you. Ritual’s you can do when her brother’s playing quietly and like you’ve got your 537 things to do, like notice if she’s kind of walking around, wandering aimlessly, looking where she can get some attention, how she can ingratiate herself into his play, which right now the pattern has been through being distracted. That’s when you go and you scoop her up and you say, here’s the little girl with this sweet little, you know, and be like, you start to do like a little something in your life.
0 (7m 52s):
Maybe you want to help me and you want, mommy could use your help on something. Maybe you could help me or you sit down and you draw with her for five minutes. You give her a little tiny pet time proactively. Let’s start to do that. Okay. When you see her going over to the napkins and you can catch her right before you were like, Up, there is a napkin stand up and stay right here on the table. But as you can stay right here and their thing, nice and neat. Can you count? You know what? We are going to have to set the table for, for people tonight for dinner, can you count out for napkins and we’ll put them aside. Cause those will be the ones that are going to use.
0 (8m 33s):
Like let’s start to turn it into she’s eyeballing the napkin. She’s known the napkins is a way she can pass that she can get a lot of attention. You see her eyeballing, these napkins, you go over and do a little detour and you give her some positive attention when it comes to the nap and you let her be helpful almost three year olds. When we give them the, to be helpful, they love to be helpful. So we are going to get, we’re gonna let her be helpful. You going to be like your mom was helpful, girl. Mmm. This is, you know, you’d make my life so easy. It’s like, this is when their little and you take them to the grocery store and you let her help you count out the, the apples or you’d bring the app.
0 (9m 18s):
And she is putting them in the bag and you’re like, you’re making my life so much easier. This is awesome. We’re gonna give her a lot of proactive ways to be helpful, to get positive attention, to be included in your world. And When brothers playing and creating and building, you know, engaged her in some way that that helps her not to go and be so destructive. As far as the car thing, my niece does this too. Who’s three. I see her do it where she wants to climb all over the car and do all of the things in the car or whatever. And when she’s with me, I just do what I always do it with my kids and which I always make a building into the car.
0 (10m 3s):
As a game, I sing a little song. I say, can you buckle yourself or do you need me to do it? And then the minute she buckles herself, I’m like, you don’t even meet what are you going to be driving in a car and ex how do you have to name me around? And you’re doing my job for me. You can buckle yourself your only three. And then you do the effect of praise. And she gets to a beam with pride and feel a whole sense of accomplishment and, and start to, to sing that song, this song, whatever, whatever songs, you know, I just like an old Gymboree songs. Like as soon as we were going, we’re going for a ride. We’re going for a ride. We’re going for rides. Do you want, or do you want to walk to the car by yourself? Or do you want mommy to carry? You are going for a ride. We are calling for rights to sit back, back in, buckle up.
0 (10m 44s):
We’re going for a ride. And then you zoom our indoor cars. So you are going to get it in the car seat by yourself. Or do you need me to do it now? I’d almost three in most of the time, just going to go. I do it myself. I’m gonna do it myself. I’m gonna do it. Okay. By all means, you’re making this easy on me. Okay. And then you’re like, well, what about the buckle? You want to buckle yourself? How about a mommy? Does the bottom end? You do the top. Oh you want to do the bottom end? You want me to do it? Like you’re giving her a say in the mouth matter, but you’re, you’re being the pack leader. You’re directing it exactly where you want it to go. Just like with the napkins, just like with the car or making it fun. We’re positive attention. Let’s see. I like to make up a little terms.
0 (11m 25s):
We’re doing positive attention thing and we’re just helping guide her in a way that is way more helpful. And PRODUCTIVE
2 (11m 36s):
Hey guys, if you want to close the gap between the parent that you currently are, when the kids are pushing your buttons in an era that you always have tended to be that calm, cool and collected parent, no matter what’s going on around you. I had my recipe for you. I wrote about it in my, the parent gap. And I’d love to give you a free audio version. All you have to do is text the number four for two to two that’s for, for two to two. And I put the message in Mastermind Parenting Podcast all one word, all caps. Mastermind Parenting Podcast for four to 22 and we will send you Oh For a free copy of it.
2 (12m 17s):
Well, my audio book, the parent gap ASAP.