This week’s episode is a clip from a coaching call in the Mastermind. I talk about how it affects your kids when you’re going through a hard time like divorce, a cheating spouse, health problems…unfortunate stuff adults go through. I discuss tactics to use and how to have a useful mindset when “life happens”. We cover the yin/yang in life, building resilience and grit and the goal of teaching our kids that difficult moments in time won’t break us.
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About Randi Rubenstein
Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.
She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.
At Mastermind Parenting, we believe every human deserves to have a family that gets along.
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You’re listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode 80,
My name’s Randi Rubenstein and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast where we believe, when your thoughts grow the conversations in your home flow.
This week’s episode, I have a Coaching clip and I was coaching a mom about, she had all kinds of things going on in her life that were just really unfortunate, like thing after thing, after thing, you know, when you hear about when somebody’s is like, yeah, this happens and then this happened, and then this happened and you’re like, damn, I’m, you know, if this is like, how much more in his life going to throw out this person. So this mom is going through a super hard time. And she was like her. She was like, I’m worried. I’m really worried. It’s affecting my kids, especially my oldest child.
0 (1m 4s):
And, and she was feeling terribly guilty about it, terribly, terribly guilty. And, and so anyway, I, I coached her on it and it just got me to thinking, you know, like shit happens and life doesn’t go our way. And we’re a lot of times we think that we’re doing the most amazing job as actors and actresses, but our kids, like they, they know what’s going on. They know something’s up, you know, they are intuitive little creatures. And so what about when you are going through a hard time and you have an idea that your kids know your kids start acting out and you’re seeing certain behaviors in them.
0 (1m 53s):
And like, I like to say all behaviors, communication, like what then? So I think for those of you, who’ve gone through a hard time and worry that, you know, these are all of our biggest fear. Am I screwing up my kids? What if I messed them up? What if their on a couch or a therapist’s couch, or however many years down their, there are already on a therapist out, you know? So our brain can go into that rabbit hole of that seems to be lots of our biggest worry in life is that we just don’t want to screw them up. And so when you’re going through a hard time, of course, that’s like ruminating and in the background of your brain and your just so worried that this hard time is going to affect them.
0 (2m 33s):
And that’s kind of the thing that kills you the most. So for those of you who have gone through a hard time, been worried about this or who are going through a hard time, I thought it would make this episode for you. And I hope it’s helpful. A little children, especially ones I believe with a strong, with a sensitive, nervous system. They feel energy, their intuitive and, and all the little children feel energy in general. You know, you got to remember, I think there’s a, it’s something like 77% of communication is non verbal. So we may think we are being the world’s greatest actors and we deserve, you know, an Oscar, but our kids know, they know, they know when there’s tension at home, they know when we’re going through something difficult.
0 (3m 28s):
I’ve had some of you who’ve told me that there were things that went on in your households growing up. And, and there was always whispers and adults weren’t telling you, but you knew that there was, there were some kind of trouble on the home front, but yet nobody was talking about it. And it felt really scary and unsafe. And, and ungrounding for you. The They pick up on all of this, you guys, so she’s spot on when she’s like, I’m not sharing it with him, but I know you can sense it. Yes. He can sense it because he knows he feels your energy and he’s watching all of your behaviors.
0 (4m 9s):
So even though you think you deserve an Oscar, he knows there’s trouble lurking underneath. And that is, and that does feel unsafe and can cause kids to feel less regulated. And, and this human experience is messy, right? I don’t want anyone beating yourself up over the fact that you are going through a hard time and your kids can sense it. And you can feel guilty on top of going through a hard time. Part of being a human and Building Resilience is facing challenges and getting through them.
0 (4m 53s):
And, and, and that’s how you build Grit right? And they say Resilience is the number one indicator of future success is being able to get through a hard time. So it kills us when we think we’re adding to our children’s Hard time. However, we’re all human. We all go through hard times and they feel it. They feel it right. A family is, is a connected team. And when members of the team are going through something challenging, the whole team feels It, it’s just part of life.
0 (5m 36s):
And part of being a human, and we can do hard things. We this is not a life of only happiness, of never being overly hot or overly cold. There’s going to be times where you are going to be freezing, and you’re going to want to get in and warm your bones via a fire. And there’s going to be times where you’re going to think that this hot yoga room has never been so hot. I think I’m about to die. And you’re going to, like, I love getting that cold lavender I towel at the end of it, because you can finally cool off that balance. That balance is part of being a human. We’re not supposed to be comfortable all the time when we’re in the discomfort in it’s.
0 (6m 19s):
It sucks being in the discomfort. That’s how we grow stronger and stronger and stronger. OK. So she says, my question is whether I’m going to do him a disservice by letting things go right now, giving him what he wants and needs, not in a sense of cookies or iPad, but in staying with him and helping him get dressed, which he can do on his own or getting something out for him. I’m doing it while I’m telling him, I’m glad he’s my helper. Look at what we’re able to get done with your help, but he’s completely unwilling to do thing to do most things on his own right now. And I understand why
1 (7m 1s):
I’m super excited to dive into today’s topic. But before we do, here’s a quick word from our sponsor. Today’s episode is brought to you by the mastermind Parenting membership, our exclusive private year long mastermind and the mastermind. You’re going to find a tribe of smart, determined, and even sometimes slightly rebellious parents who all happen to have at least one strong-willed kid. We dig in, we study our own brains and what’s coming up for us. When our kids are pushing our buttons. We also learned to see our kids differently and how to speak to them in a way that they can actually hear without the constant fighting and dictator type behavior. We change patterns that have often been in our families for generations. Doors are officially opened and we’re enrolling for the Mastermind Parenting membership fall cohort group.
1 (7m 42s):
So if you are ready to get the coaching support, training resources and accountability, you deserve to finally take your family from a state of surviving to thriving. I want you to go to Mastermind Parenting dot com forward slash Lindsay that’s Mastermind Parenting dot com forward slash Lindsey with an E Y and book a free call. So we can learn more about you and determine whether the master it would be a good fit. So,
0 (8m 7s):
So what I would say right now is it’s kind of, like I said to Jeanette in the Facebook group recently, she had her, someone was sick and she said he has been running a high fever and we’ve, you know, we’re not doing well with the bedtime thing. And I said, when they’re sick, you just take care of the people. You do, whatever it’s survival, you just need to, to take care of the people. And so right now, you’re going through a hard time. This mom is going through a hard time. And the good news is, is that when we fall off the horse and things need to go by the wayside for a little bit, like doing the things for him, working with him, just getting out the door in the morning in a somewhat state and working together and not helping him to be as independent as he could possibly be right now, because that’s just what you guys need to do to get back to a state of optimal health.
0 (9m 8s):
Then you do that. Then you do that because once you’ve learned the systems, you can get back on the horse when Things, I mean, it’s a, most of us have done it with technology where your good for a, or B or bedtime, like for a while, you’re like super consistent and then slowly but surely some patterns old habits creep back in. And then before, you know, it, you find that like, it just seems like the technology is out of control or everybody is staying up way later than they need to and getting up way earlier. But since you’ve established a routine before there’s muscle memory there, so you can just get back on the horse when the time is right.
0 (9m 51s):
And I would say to this mom, it’s what Lindsay and Erica were saying before. It’s perfectly imperfect. When, when you, when you got to let things go and just do the Things for the people to get out of the house on a peaceful state, that’s what you do. And you remind yourself that you’ll get back on track when it’s time to get back on track, because you can do hard things. And right now I just need this family to feel connected and peaceful and whatever moment we can make that happen. And, and, and when the time is right, will do it. We’ll go, we’ll go back. So the way that we know we’re going to be, we’re going to function in the best way possible as a team, but right now I’m letting it go,
1 (10m 39s):
Hey guys, if you want to close the gap between the parent that you currently our, when the kids are pushing your buttons and the parents that you always are intended to be that calm, cool, and collected parent, no matter what’s going on around you. I have my recipe up for you. I wrote about it in my book, the parent gap. And I’d love to give you the free audio version. All you have to do is text the number four, four to two to four for two, two, two, and push the message in Mastermind Parenting, Podcast all one word, all caps. Mastermind Parenting Podcast for two to two, and we will send you over a free copy of my audio book, the parent gap ASAP.