On the podcast this week I have another helpful clip from a coaching call in the Mastermind. I talk about a 5-year old that needed to be pried off of Mom every morning at kindergarten drop off. We cover separation anxiety, having a productive convo to change the routine and what following through looks like for realz.
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About Randi Rubenstein
Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.
She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.
At Mastermind Parenting, we believe every human deserves to have a family that gets along.
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Transcription
0 (0s):
You’re listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode 83,
1 (7s):
My name’s Randi Rubenstein and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast where we believe when your thoughts gro the conversations in your home flub.
0 (20s):
Hey guys, in this episode, I have a clip from one of my coaching calls and it was about a child that was having severe separation anxiety. When his mom dropped him off I’m at school, I kindergarten and like just severe, severe anxiety. And so this is the thing, like don’t not listen because you have older kids, whether it’s a preschool sleepaway camp college, a kid’s feel anxious and They, they feel anxious to new situations when they are starting.
0 (1m 3s):
Some kind of, there is some kind of a transition going on. There’s lots of kids that feel a lot of anxiety and it’s just, they display it in different ways. So although it looks different in preschool, right? It’s gonna look a lot of times like big feelings, lots of tears. They, you know, they are an emotional open book. It’s different than in college. When you drop your child off for college, it may be different. It may just be a look. It just may be a knowing glance. It may just be a them having snarky behavior with you and, and being snarky and snippy and annoyed by everything. And just kind of a, just easy to set off a sow.
0 (1m 45s):
Anxiety might look different depending on the ages, but at the end of the day, it’s still the same thing. And so how do you handle it? Like what happens? Cause it kills us, right? It kills us when we’re leaving them somewhere. And we know that they don’t want to be there or they’re having some kind of upset or discomfort. It used to kill me when my kids were little, especially in my strong-willed one when he wanted, when it, we needed to separate and he didn’t want to be somewhere. And so I had a whole method, how I dealt with that and how I helped him to feel safer in the world. So in this Coaching clip, I really kind of walk this Mom through it.
0 (2m 27s):
I work on some mindset, my mastery pieces with her, and we really break it down, break it apart and really spell out how to set the child up for success. So that Mom helps the child not to feel more anxious and is really able to kind of pull out her pack leadership skills and handle the situation in a way that is going to support the child to feel safer and more grounded and less anxious. So I really walk this mom, this, and I thought maybe you guys would enjoy this. That says also his separation anxiety has been super bad for the past couple of weeks.
0 (3m 8s):
I know he feels like he needs me. And I know he feels like he needs me in the past. I’ve done quick. Dropoff at school, letting him know I love him. And I have to get to a meeting. I’ve gotten them, started on activities. He see’s a friend and it goes to play for three weeks. It has taken to teachers to physically pull him off of me. As he clings onto my clothes for dear life. I know he’s scared and upset and can’t understand his feelings or why he’s having them. I hate to leave him that way. His teacher stays upset for a little while and cries, but as okay for the majority of the day, again, all behavior is communication. He is saying, I feel ungrounded in the world and you know, you’re going through a hard time.
0 (3m 53s):
This mom is going through a hard time. He’s feeling that he’s feeling that like that. So I think it’s really important for you to get clean and clear on On you taking care of You and what you need to do to take care of you. You’re dropping him at a safe place. You all are going through a hard time, but you’re dropping them at a safe place and you need to get to work and you have things you’ve got to do. And you’ve got to take care of he’s safe. You believe in the school, you’re working with the teachers and we can do hard things.
0 (4m 37s):
So if this whole emotional Dropoff and them prying him off of you for you, it sounds to me like it’s clearly not working and it doesn’t feel grounding for anyone to start their day like that. So I would get, do the mantra. I’m safe, I’m calm. I can handle this. I would be having the conversation ahead of time of, you know, and I made, y’all a video it’s in the Facebook group, but it’s also in Ruzuku and it’s under the sleep activity where I made you guys a video of when you’re changing our routine, here’s the structure or the three part structure for the conversation and changing your routine.
0 (5m 20s):
You do it at a non-relevant time. You establish the rules. You expect to repeat it. Often you follow through consistently. I would say here he, this is not working. We need to have a routine change. I would ha I would follow that, that format. And it would go something like this. I would have a conversation, not in the morning. It would be after school, after you’ve had a little pet time together. And I would say, Hey, buddy, I want to talk about Morning drop off at school. And some things that we’re going to do differently so that we can have smoother mornings.
0 (6m 0s):
How does that sound? Okay. So you’re letting him know we’re changing something here. It’s coming. And Y so we can have smoother mornings so we can ask them to do mornings. And so you’re in a say, so from now on, when I drop you in the morning, we’re going to, we’re going to go and we’re going to, you know, I don’t know if there’s a carpool line option. I would suggest with how hard he’s having a, how hard at the time he’s having a disconnecting from UW. I would suggest doing the carpool. Dropoff, you know, I have meetings that I have to get to from work.
0 (6m 42s):
I bill, I love your school. I love your teachers. I believe in it. I know your safe, and I know we’re excited to get to be together. So we’re gonna have as much together, a time as we can in the morning, we’re going to give a final kiss in a hug. And then we are going to pull it up to the carpool line. We’re going to take a deep breath. We’re going to say, we’ve got this and you’re going to get out of the car and go into School. Now, if you will come in and you’ll just to establish that routine of, I want you to this spot, then you’re going to give a kiss in a hug. Then you’re going to go. And you’re going to go into the classroom no more, you know, clean to mommy, you know, mommy to coming back and doing all those things. We’re not doing that anymore.
0 (7m 23s):
You’re in a safe environment. I would never leave you anywhere that wasn’t safe. I love your teachers. You are in good hands. Your brain will be ready to learn in play. And that’s the way we are going to start doing it. And, and then say, is there anything you want to add or anything that you would like to be different about that? Let me hear your thoughts and let him weigh in. Okay. Let him win and hear him. And maybe you say, you know, I mean, I would give on something like, okay, that makes sense. You wouldn’t like me to walk you to this spot. You would like me to walk you right to the door. But when I walk you out to the door is going to be hard to separate. So let’s have a little secret handshake, like a deep breath and a high five, and like some kind of a secret handshake.
0 (8m 10s):
So I can look at you and we can look at each other and say, I got this. I can’t wait to see you later. Like have some kind of ritual connected to that. And, and, and now know, cause you’ve had the conversation expect to repeat it often. You’re going to talk about it. Then that night, remember tomorrow we have a whole new thing. It’s going to be a great day tomorrow. And then the next day in the first thing, the morning at breakfast, remember, we’re going to have to, we’re going to, we’ve got a whole new plan. We’re we’ve got this, we’ve got this. And then you’re going to talk about it on the way to school. And then you’re going to follow through consistently IX. No, it’s been a suck. He is going to fight this and you’re going to have to just be like, I love you.
0 (8m 52s):
You’ve got This you’re in good hands. Thank you, miss. So-and-so. Okay. See you later. I love you. And you were going to walk away and you’re going to cue tip, and you’re going to be like, he’s in a good place. He’s in a safe place. You’re going to talk yourself off the ledge. I’m safe. I’m calm. I can handle this week. Got this. He’s in a good place. We’ve got this. And so that’s what I would recommend doing there. So that is a, you know, the, the all behaviors, communication, the Q-tip thing, the mama meditation mantra, the M the detective tool of asking him what’s up.
0 (9m 35s):
Do you know what’s going on with you? Even before you start having, like, you’re going to be putting all of these things kind of together and just practicing and practicing, practicing. But most importantly, I want you to have some grace for yourself that you’re going through a hard time, and you’re not messing up your Kid. You’re showing up for your kid. And you also liked, like, this is a hard time, and you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. And then, and we cannot add Gilt on top of it or martyrdom, or you feeling like you’ve got to do all the things and constantly be a bit like, and that Le leaves him feeling less safe and less grounded in the world.
0 (10m 21s):
When you’re, you know, dancing like a circus monkey, every time he wants the littlest thing, he needed you to be like, you’re in a good place. You’ve got this. We trust Ms. So-and-so. She loves you. She is going to take good care of you. I can’t wait to see you later on today. I love you. Love you. Love you. And you’re going to hand, I wouldn’t even let them pry him off of you. I would hand him to the teachers. You’ve got this body love you. Can’t wait to see you later. Love you, walk away. Okay. Walk away. That’s what I would recommend. And, and I always recommend to parents.
0 (11m 1s):
When you see your children after a day to say like, Oh my gosh, let me see this space. I miss you so much today. And I know no school teaches you to say that. I think it feels amazing for all people to feel seen and valued. And when you tell someone I missed you, it’s basically saying you matter, you’re important to me. I miss you so much today. Let me see the fruits telling me everything. I need to know everything. What did you do? You know, and that’s, and that’s just constantly sending them that you are worthy. You deserve my love just because you are right.
0 (11m 41s):
And so that’s, that’s what we’re doing. We’re not trying to control anyone. We’re not trying to manipulate, not trying to get them to do the thing. We’re just trying. It’s like what Daniel said. We’re just learning to listen and get curious and se when you act on the outside, you know, the way you act on the outside of the way you feel on the inside, and I’m here to get curious and help me figure this out, because kids do well, if they can. So if you’re not doing well, then there’s something to figure out. And there’s, I’m going to support you in whatever way I can. And in this situation, I would say, it’s, I’m going to support you by letting you know you’re in a safe place.
0 (12m 25s):
I’m handing you over to these people that are going to take amazing care of you. We’ve got this, we’ve got this. You’re safe in the world.
1 (12m 35s):
Hey guys, if you want to close the gap between the parent that you currently are with the kids are pushing your buttons in the mirror and that you always be attended to be that calm, cool, and collected parent, no matter what’s going on around you. I have my recipe of, for you. I wrote about it in my book, the parent gap. And I’d love to give you a free audio book version of all you have to do is text the number four for two to two that’s for four to two, and the message in Mastermind Parenting, Podcast all one word, all paths Mastermind Parenting to For for two to two, and we will send you over a free copy of my audio book, the parent gap ASAP.
