This week’s convo is about parenting hypocrisy. Recently, a mom shared with me all the “aha’s” she and her husband were having re: their expectations for their kids and the realization that they weren’t holding themselves to the same standard. As I like to say, “Model the behavior you seek”, and this mom was able to have a truly self-aware moment.
More frequently than she’d probably care to admit, she was not modeling the calm reasonable behavior she expected from her kids. What about you? It takes confidence to cop to your own hypocrisy…AND it feels like a relief to finally loosen the perfectionist chains that often enslave us. Being a human is messy business and no one is perfect.
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Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.
She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.
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You’re listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast episode 89.
My name’s Randi Rubenstein and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast where we believe when your thoughts grow the conversation’s in your home flow.
Hi guys. How are you this week? I wanted to talk about Practicing What We Preach hypocrisy, parent hypocrisy. Mmm. Yeah. Fun topic. Huh? Were keeping it real well. We were talking about anything and everything nothing’s off limits. So looking in the mirror and realizing some things, look, its just a part of the whole self awareness thing. And what made me think I wanted to have an episode on this is there was a, one of my, my newest members of the Mastermind. She posted something recently and I thought it was really good.
0 (1m 1s):
And I asked her if I could, if I can talk about this in the Podcast she said, sure, I love it. So I’m talking about it. So here’s what she said. She said. So I had an episode with my daughter that involved yelling and stormy out from me. I’m the one that threw the tantrum because I didn’t like that. She was being very rude and yelling at me and her dad. I had to leave the room. I did the breathing and I realized that traditional parenting is so hypocritical. We expect our kids to sit there and apologize after they yell and throw a tantrum. But we don’t hold ourselves to the same standard because we’re the adults and you and you just don’t disrespect adults. So I took deep breaths and I went back to my daughter to apologize for how I reacted.
0 (1m 45s):
Why did that feel so hard to do an explanation point explanation points? And I told her the reasons why I got irritated and how I should have just walked away and taking deep breaths. After I spoke with her, she gave hugs and apologized for how she spoke to us and how she was acting. And she did it on her own and we did not tell her she needed to apologize. So that felt great. Now I just need to remember to stop and breathe instead of just getting immediately, instead of just immediately reacting when I’m getting triggered, then she said she was referring to a conversation I had had about something recently that happened with my son. And she says your explanation of how you were able to communicate your expectations for your son and you let him connect the dots.
0 (2m 33s):
Connect. The dots helped me realize a common theme in the way of the Mastermind parent, having kiddo’s and people come up with their own conclusions and solutions. I have it so ingrained in my head that I’ve been through this and this is the only solution. So let me tell you what it is. And I bet when the other person reaches the conclusion or a solution, it sticks in their brain. Whereas a not so much, man, this is going to be hard, but I’m excited to get to the point where communicating this way becomes more natural for me. This was, I think, in her first two weeks in our year long program, I, I love that.
0 (3m 16s):
Like I loved that she was getting those a hots because that’s the thing is that we can’t be hypocrites. Like, do you like learning from somebody whose hypocritical? Like the person whose telling you, you, you know what you should cook and they’re a terrible cook. Anytime you were reading it at their house. So you’re like, Ugh. And they’re like giving you all kinds of ideas for recipes. Your not really looking to them to be the authority you have. Nobody wants to learn from a hypocrite. We all call BS on that. And even our kids. So when were having meltdowns, when we’re finding ourselves in those triggered States and going into the state of fight or flight and reacting in anger, it D two wrongs don’t make a right.
0 (4m 4s):
And like somebody has gotta be the grownup. Somebody’s gotta be the person with the fully developed prefrontal lobe, which doesn’t happen for them til they’re 25 or so. So, so somebody has to do it. So when they’re acting out in having a meltdown and then we react with a meltdown as well, and then we put our authority down because we’re the parent, you will not disrespect me. Like you’ve got to people modeling the same behavior. Like why would your child learn to do it differently? Just because you’re telling them to do it differently, but you’re not modeling that like you don’t, you all see like its kind of crazy town.
0 (4m 44s):
So to step out of that, you got to learn it. You have to start where it that’s where I started. Everyone were, I’m like, okay, we got to get to the Bay, back to the basics. We got to talk about what resources do you actually have to control your own behavior? And when you notice that you’re going in to that reactive, angry state, ah, you know, like What, what’s in your tool box so that you can calm yourself down first. Like the adults have to calm themselves down first. If we think there’s any remote possibility of helping our kids learn to do the same, it’s really obvious.
0 (5m 27s):
And this is the work, right? It’s much easier to tell everyone else to try and control everyone else and tell them what they should be doing and not do it ourselves. So start with you, start with you, you do you, and then see what happens for your kid. Like my master, my mom, she said, we didn’t even tell her to apologize. I own my stuff. And next thing you know, she was giving me hugs and apologizing. Like she modeled the mom model, the behavior she wanted to see in her daughter, like really For for real, she modeled it and she owned it and then her daughter followed suit. It’s a beautiful thing.
0 (6m 8s):
So that’s what I’ve got for you guys this week. Have a great one. Bye.
1 (6m 12s):
Have you read my book, the parent gap. Have you listened to my book? The parent gap? I doubt you’ve listened because my publisher hasn’t released it yet on audible. However, I have the audio version of the parent gaff that I would love to send to you. You can download it at Mastermind Parenting dot com For slash book that’s Mastermind Parenting dot com slash book for your free audio version of the parent gap. Your welcome I.