This week I’m sharing a personal story about my 18 yr old daughter dealing with college pressure and the strategy I used to help her. My bestie, Allison, said hearing this story really helped her in supporting her daughter so I thought I’d share it with you guys too. The tool I used can be applied to kids of all ages that have pressure when it comes to school, sports, societal norms, etc…i.e. Uhhhh, I think that’s everyone! Would love to know whatcha think!
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Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.
She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.
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You’re listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast episode 91,
My name’s Randi Rubenstein and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast where we believe when your thoughts grow the conversations in your home flow.
So the title of this week’s conversation is Teaching Kids the Biggest Life Changing Strategy thought shifting. So last week I started talking about, I was talking about complaining and kind of where it really comes from and how to start changing your thinking, like noticing what your thinking is so that you can start changing it. And obviously we can’t teach what we don’t have. So you have to start doing this for yourself first, but I wanted to share a little story because what I have experienced is, and it’s so freaking cool when you can do this for your kids, is that when you started to do this on the reg for you, you start to be able to also just naturally do it with your kids.
0 (1m 4s):
And it comes up with in conversation, and this is what you model. So I shared a story with my bestie, Alison recently about a conversation I was having with my daughter, Avery, and, and then, you know, whatever we were just catching up and, you know, we’re both going through our daughter’s are seniors and in high school, and we’re both going through like all the, the senior, you know, they’re applying to college right now and the testing and the senior year and all of the things. And so Alison is my person and, and she’s going through the same stage. And so we just, we talk about that stuff.
0 (1m 44s):
So I was telling her, you know, whatever, whatever the latest thing was. And so I, I was saying, yeah, we had a situation recently and I really wasn’t a bad mood. And she was just like, she was just, she was just pissy. You know, she was just in a bad mood, in a bad mood. And umm, and finally that night I was in my bathroom and she came clean and, and she said, I just ha Oh she has. She was like, Oh I just have the worst day, the worst day, the worst day. And, and she had kind of snapped at me a couple of times that day. And I was like reminding her about something.
0 (2m 26s):
And she said, and so she snapped at me about it and I was like, where is this coming from? Where’s this coming from? And so she was in my bathroom and she was like I said the worst day and it just Sr this. And she was going to, you know, and I, she was kind of going to this dark place and I said, I’m all right. And that’s what the drama like, what’s really going on. And she was like, mom and she, you know, she started like your mom, it’s just so hard. And this, that, and the other day I was like, really like, are you, is it really so hard? Are you looking to be sort of dramatic right now as an excuse to procrastinate something that you sorta don’t want to do?
0 (3m 5s):
And cause I know her, she’s not, she’s not dramatic. And she pulls stuff out at the 11th hour. It’s just who she is. She is not super methodical about things. And she always pulls it out to the 11th hour and that’s actually when she does her best work and she knows this about herself. So she doesn’t really doesn’t freak out about things. And so I kind of felt like her brain was telling her that she could freak out about this as an excuse to sort of procrastinate when the truth, that the matter is she could just change that story and just be like, yeah, I do everything at sort of the 11th hour and it works out for me. And that’s when I pull up my best work.
0 (3m 45s):
Like we know that about her just own it. So she was, she was kind of working herself up and I was kind of saying, I was con kind of calling BS on it. And this is that fine line between coaching and being that soft place to land. Right? Like if I was the soft place to land, when she actually needs some accountability, like that’s not super helpful. And so I I’ve been kind of towing that line back and forth with Avery as she has gone through I’m the senior year end with my older son who already went through it, you know, he’s totally different. He’s wired very differently. Like he, he, he does everything ahead of time.
0 (4m 25s):
He’s a planner. He doesn’t need that accountability piece from me. And, and he just really needed me to, just to be a soft place to land because he was taking care of it. Whereas Avery kind of needs me to serve as a little bit of a different role. So I was sharing with Alison kind of the story that she was like, Oh, Oh my gosh, I share this with my daughter. And it, it was really helpful. Like it led to a really good conversation for us. And I said, I said, Oh, maybe I should make a podcast about this. Maybe it’ll be helpful for other people too. So, so what I said to Avery was, I said, what’s really going on. And she goes in. So she started going in to the drama and I said, okay, enough, like, that’s not who you are. And like, what’s really going on.
0 (5m 7s):
Like there was a circumstance and this is what I talked to all about the last week. So there’s something that happened. It triggered you to think something, it caused you to feel a certain way. And now the action is procrastinating and the results will be, you are not getting your stuff done. So it’s like circumstance happens. It causes you to think of thought about it. Then you feel a certain way than you act in a certain way. And that ultimately determines your results in Life. So I was like, OK, so, so let’s I said, so let’s just figure it out. What was it? What was it? So she met with an adviser, like a mentor who is a man that went to the college that she wants to get into.
0 (5m 48s):
And he was telling her, you know, all his tips and guidance, and he’s been very generous with her. And you know, you got to pick and choose. You want to take, like, if something’s not useful or helpful, like you can choose not to take all the guidance and advice from your mentors. Like that’s a choice. Right? So he, so she’s like, well, I met with so-and-so and you know, I haven’t even started a charity. How could I possibly think I could get in touch? So this place, and it was like, started a charity. What are you talking about? And she’s like, mom, that’s just the way, the way it works. You have to start planning for these things. Years in advance, you have to start charities and things.
0 (6m 29s):
I was like, all right, Whoa. Okay. So the circumstance is you met with the guy and he started talking about helpful things that have helped other kids get in. And it was that they started things like charities and did some pretty big, you know, things on their resumes are, are looking really impressive. Alright, so who are you? I said, you are a non-traditional person, right? We and we are. And I gave her a few examples of her life of things that she’s done or accomplished. And I said, you have never done things. And in the exact traditional way, even in terms of sports, she didn’t like play on club teams, her whole life, like all of a sudden she just like got to middle school.
0 (7m 17s):
And she was like, Oh, like even I think like, like seventh, eighth grade, she was like, Oh, I think I’m an athlete now. And she started, she like picked up sports for her certain sports for the very first time when there’s kids that have been playing these sports their whole life and, and she’s loved playing sports in high school, she’s loved it. It has been a huge part of her high school experience and she just likes it. So you, you define that those rules, you didn’t do all those things and you’ve still managed to play high school sports and love it and have a great experience. So there’s that thing. Let’s talk about other things that, where you have followed a non-traditional path, but still achieved the results that have helped you to feel successful in your life.
0 (8m 2s):
So you, you has your pattern not been that you sort of defy tradition and you do things your way. And when things are meant to work out for you, that’s how it, that’s how it kinda goes down. She was like, yeah, I guess that’s true. And I’m and I said, OK, so what instead have the thought I’m never going to get in. I haven’t started a charity. Right. It’s too late for me. I did it wrong instead. What if your thought was, I’m an non-traditional person and everything that’s always worked out for me has worked out for me and a non-conventional way.
0 (8m 42s):
It’s just how I wrote a role. Like what’s what about like that thought? What if the thought was that she was like, Hmm. And it was like, do you feel different than when you’re thinking the other thought she was like, yeah. And I was like, how do you feel now? She’s like better. And it was like, how, what would be the word? How would you describe it? She was like, I dunno, confident, believing more on myself. I was like, yeah, exactly. And I said, and then what action are you going to take? Because you are now confident, believe in yourself. She’s like, I’m going to sit and look at all of the non traditional ways. I meant to apply to this college.
0 (9m 24s):
And, and I’m going to, I’m going to do that and I’m gonna have to get my stuff done. And I was like, well, then go do that. Right. And so that’s how it works. You guys, that’s where it’s like, if you stop and think and catch, what am I thinking? What happened? And what, what am I thinking about it is that thought helpful or useful? What could be a new thought that it would be helpful or useful? And look, it’s the heart. It’s a vulnerable to go for something that you may not Get when we’ve talked about that too, it’s vulnerable to admit. I mean, that was something that I had from, you know, from like my, my growing up was I would quit things before I even started because it was too vulnerable to possibly not get it.
0 (10m 15s):
It felt too scary to me. So I would just like put a hard shell at that. I didn’t want that anyway, it’s that fixed mindset versus growth mindset. The growth mindset says, you know what? I will go for it if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be. Right. Right. And I mean, we’ve even gone to the place of what about when you go for it and, and other people know you’re going for it. And talk about the last week’s podcast about the complainer’s or people who like to poke the bruise, not just because they’re trying to fulfill or serve something in themselves. And I mean, really, I don’t feel like it comes from a mean or evil place.
0 (10m 57s):
I think it comes from just like an insecure place and a negative place. But what happens, it’s super vulnerable that you’re opening yourself up to the possibility that somebody is going to come and say, Oh, I heard the decisions are out. Did you get in to that place? And if you didn’t get in having to be like, no, I didn’t know. And, and, and being, I mean, that’s uncomfortable. Right. And it’s like, yeah. And we can do hard things. Like we even role played that. Like, would you rather not go for the thing because you’re trying to avoid that little conversation or would you rather just roleplay how that conversations going to go?
0 (11m 38s):
Or if you didn’t know, it might just be a, yeah. I didn’t, I’m disappointed. I know it’s a bummer. Yep. Miranda plan B what is plan B? Yeah. I’m not sure yet, but I appreciate you asking and being concerned about me. I’m not sure pause. Right. That’s how it goes down. And so it’s like, we don’t have to be hard. We don’t have to be scared of hard conversations. We don’t have to be scared of discomfort. We can get control of our thinking because that’s the only thing we truly have control over. And when life throws a curve ball, or it doesn’t go the way we had hoped we are going to be OK, like that’s resilience.
0 (12m 21s):
We are going to be okay. And it will be hard and it will be disappointing. And we can feel all of the feelings we’ve got. This. So that’s what I got for you guys this week. I’m going to be sharing the conversation based on Alison saying that it helped her. And I’m not sure that Avery would love me sharing this conversation. So, Oh, hopefully, hopefully this will, this episode will air after every all the dust has settled. So maybe you guys keep this under wraps. I don’t think anybody’s going around listening to my podcasts.
0 (13m 1s):
So that’s where I thought for you guys. And I hope it was helpful and have a great, great week.
1 (13m 8s):
Have you read my book, the parent gap? Have you listened to my book? The parent gap? I doubt you’ve listened because my publisher hasn’t released it yet on audible. However, I have the audio version of the paragraph that I would love to send to you. You can download it at Mastermind Parenting dot com For slash book that’s Mastermind Parenting dot com For slash book for your free audio version of the parent’s gap. You’re welcome. I.