In this week’s convo, I tackle the lovely topic of judgment from snarky relatives…especially prevalent during the holiday season. Oy. I teach my “go to” mind mastery tool that will bubble wrap and protect when other people’s negativity and insecurity attempt to hijack your holiday. Enjoy!
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Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.
She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.
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You’re listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode 92,
My name’s Randi Rubenstein and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast where we believe when your thoughts gro the conversation’s in your home flow.
So today’s episode I’m calling Mastermind Parenting Tool to Prevent Judgey Relatives from Hijacking Your Holiday. And what I’m including is a Facebook live where I taught a great tool and I talked about it was right before, it was like the day before Thanksgiving. And so even though I was talking about being around the Thanksgiving table and having the Judgey, Relatives say things about whatever your kids were doing, which is probably normal kid behavior, but just having that judgment sort of in your face, on your shoulder and how it feels terrible for all of us.
0 (1m 1s):
And, and so I, I just kinda gave a strategy for how to bubble, wrap yourself in protect yourself from allowing other people’s negativity to hijack your Holiday. And so maybe it’s, you know, there’s holidays coming up. So maybe it is around the holiday table, but maybe it’s just a Friday night dinner with your extended family or a Sunday night dinner or a visit with the grandparents, whatever it is. Or maybe it’s just with another family. Who’s kids seem to be behaving air-quotes perfectly. And your kids are the ones we used to laugh all the time because my daughter had a best friend when she was little and I would take them to get ice cream.
0 (1m 43s):
And I would look at the best friend and I would say, why or why do you look like that eating ice cream? And then I would point to Avery and Avery would have like chocolate ice cream and all over her entire face and we would laugh about it. And then they got to be in high school. And this friend is a great older than her and just went off to college. And she wrote a journalism piece as a senior in high school. And Avery was a junior and it was, it was all about that. And, and she had this hilarious picture of her, like in this like a perfect little princess costume. And Avery was like in the world’s ugliest Halloween costume when she was a lion, it’s my favorite, a ruse just absolutely unaware.
0 (2m 26s):
And she wanted to be a lion. And so, and so anyway, we would laugh about it, but I’m for sure was like doing the comparison thing, but doing it in jest. And quite often I think we sort of don’t do the opposite. We see the child without the chocolate ice cream, all over their face. You know, the, the child who maybe is a little more reserved and in our kids and we make it mean that they’re more civilized or are there more or something. And, and, and quite often it will cause us then be harder on our kid. Like, I can’t, you don’t care have a napkin. Like I never was having napkin.
0 (3m 7s):
I was always just sort of enjoying that. She was enjoying ice-cream so much, but I think quite often we do the opposite. So this Facebook live, but I think you guys are going to learn some really great mindset, strategies, tips, and tools. And I think a lot of you guys are gonna relate. So I wanted to include it here on the podcast. So enjoy
2 (3m 29s):
Hi guys, it’s Randy. I was just thinking about yall and I thought, you know what? I think I’m gonna do some training to support you guys and having a successful Holiday. And I know that some of you who aren’t used to seeing me on Facebook lives, because I used to do the carpool convo, and then I switched over to the podcast format, which that’s still going strong. So if you haven’t tuned into the Mastermind Parenting Podcast, I think we are close to maybe a hundred episodes. And I know lots of you guys that are listening, but if you haven’t heard about the Mastermind Parenting Podcast, or you’re not a podcast listener, it’s, Free go to, if you, if you use an iPhone, I think it’s on sale.
2 (4m 13s):
It’s on iPhone Stitcher or Apple, all of the things Subscribe Mastermind, Parenting Podcast people seem to love it. So, and I love it. I love doing it, and I think you’ll feel it so in any way. So in the meantime, I want to do some Facebook live trainings over maybe through the end of the year. And this first one I thought I could do around that Thanksgiving table. And I know that it’s just, I’ve been hearing from a lot of parents. It just brings up a lot. It’s everybody’s off of work and there’s all of this buildup, but maybe you’re traveling out of town or Relatives or coming in.
2 (4m 54s):
And, and then we find ourselves in all of these triggered moments and what I think a lot of times think what, what seems to trigger most of us is when we feel like there’s that judgment coming in from other adults. OK. So a lot of times it might be coming from well-intended grandparents’ or in-laws, or your siblings or your siblings, spouses, what have you. But I think that this is common. And so I wanted to give you guys an a, just like, I just sort of give you this arsenal of tools that will bubble, wrap you in the right head space so that you don’t allow that judgment to sort of take you off your, a game.
2 (5m 47s):
And then you find yourself F you know, cause whenever any of us are feeling triggered or judged, we’re going to feel triggered. Nobody likes to be judged. No. And, and it just, it doesn’t feel good. So when you feel judged and let’s say your kids are running around and they’re acting crazy, or, or they say something that is not necessarily that it, you know, it’s just not the thing that you’re going to like put a post out on Facebook. It’s not your most brag worthy kid moments. And then you have all of these witnesses around and you feel like you’re being judged. And before you know it, you find yourself sorted making a big deal out of the things that really are in a big deal, because your feeling judged, you go in to your emotional brain.
2 (6m 32s):
And do you say things that you do, you see things that you wished you hadn’t done, and then you have a kid that’s melting down more and it doesn’t turn out to be that memorable holiday that you were hoping for. I don’t know if you guys can relate to this, but let me know. If you do, let me know, raise your hand, give some hearts, let me know if you relate to any of this. Okay? So that’s what we’re talking about today. For anybody tuning him for the first time are just seeing the I’m being like, who the hell is this lady? I’m Randi. And I like to say it, say that I help parents solve problems. Okay. So you might be like problems. What do you mean by that? And it might just be a problem. Like your kid won’t listen, your kid won’t put on their shoes, your kid won’t cooperate.
2 (7m 15s):
Your kid. Won’t go to bed. You have to say things 30,000 times before they freaking do anything. They’re back-talking, they’re saying things that are disrespectful. They are fighting with their siblings, all of the things, all of the normal things, it, all of our kids do. All of those are these little tiny micro problems that we don’t maybe think are very big deal, but they add up and, and they end up zapping your energy and they exhaust You and all of these little moments and our really just these little tiny problems that, that end up adding up into a big deal.
2 (7m 55s):
And when I like to teach parents is that these problems are actually not problems. They’re just opportunities. And so when you start to shift your mindset, you start to learn that there are opportunities to notice why you’re getting triggered by all these little things, to get curious about yourself, to get curious about your kids and why they’re not cooperating, too. It’s an opportunity to start figuring out why, what you’re doing. Isn’t working, right? It’s an opportunity to learn something new because to do the same thing over and over and over and over again, and to expect different results as literally the definition of insanity.
2 (8m 40s):
So when you have these little problems show up in your life and you see them as opportunities, and you start to get curious and you start to open yourself up to learn new methods and a new way. Well, guess what happens? You start to grow and you start to take control back in your life. And you see this as an opportunity to learn new things, to expand your mind. And, and ultimately what that brings is a sense of freedom so that you can feel like you’re able to have more fun in your life because all these little energy, energy, zapping moments, it’s not that fun.
2 (9m 21s):
It’s not that fun to walk around feeling exhausted because you can’t get out the door with your kid and your kid won’t cooperate. And nothing you’re doing is working. Like that’s not, it’s not, it’s just not a very fun life. I think. I mean, I think, can you guys agree with that? Like, it’s just not that fun. And when I’m here to tell you, is that when you start to learn these new things and see problems as opportunities and master your mind, thus the name Mastermind Parenting, you started to have more fun and you start to be more fun to be around, frankly. OK. So I’m going to teach you guys this tool of the day and I’m, and it’s called the QTIP and it’s going to help you.
2 (10m 7s):
It’s literally gonna like a bubble wrap you when you’re sitting at that Thanksgiving table and you feel the judgment come because your kids aren’t being perfect. Hey, your kids are being kids and they’re being human. And you have some relative say some snarky, freaking annoying thing, and they’re judging you and they’re judging your kid. And this is what’s going to bubble wrap you so that you’ve let it roll off your back. And you don’t take it out on your kids. And you’re able to have a special holiday and make beautiful memories with your kids, rather than letting some relative snarky comment hijack.
2 (10m 53s):
Your Holiday really like were not doing that. Okay. So the Q-tip quit taking it personally. Okay. Quit taking it personally. This is what I want to say. You, number one, you have to control your thinking. Quit taking it personally. What do I mean by that? When people are really pretty egocentric. So what I’ve learned about judgment is that it’s actually always a self projection in some way. And hello.
2 (11m 34s):
I’m okay. So it’s always a self projection and in some ways, so what do I mean by that? Anybody who’s showing up and saying some snarky and saying some snarky, annoying thing to you. So I just got a call really? They’re judging themselves. How are they judging themselves? Well, just like you, they want to be a good parent, right? Just like you. They want to think that they did it well, okay. Everybody wants a validation that the way they’re doing it, or the way they did it is the right way.
2 (12m 15s):
And so anytime anybody says anything like happy people don’t go around spreading misery, happy people don’t make snarky comments, confident people who know that the way they did it was great and feel confident in that and imperfect. And there is no perfect. They don’t go around constantly making snarky comments to bring other people down. So anyone making those comments really ultimately, ultimately they want validation that they were a good parent or that the way they’re doing it is good or the right way. And, and it’s actually like, they’re showing you their poker hand that they feel sort of insecure about the way they did things, or they still feel insecure about the way they’re doing things.
2 (13m 3s):
Because all that judgment and comparison is just BS and anybody who, who gets it knows it’s not helpful. And it doesn’t feel good for anyone involved. So the only thing you can control, you’re going to waste your energy, making some snarky comment back or defending the way you do things or trying to teach them something new. It’s all the waste of energy. The only thing you actually have control over is your thinking. So when you started to have control over your own thoughts, then you choose to, to make the other person’s comment, mean something about them and not something about you.
2 (13m 47s):
Okay? So you only have control over your own thinking. And what you think in that moment when the judgment’s coming at you is this is not about me. This is about them. This is not about me. This is about them. Okay? Because that’s the truth. Remember I say this to my kids all the time. When some kids make some shitty comment to them, I’m like, think about it. How many people don’t go around spreading misery when somebody makes a shitty comment to you, it’s because they feel shitty on the inside. And so we make up a story in our head that it really actually means something about us because they’re hurling in our way. But when we control our own thinking, we can sit there and like, let it roll off.
2 (14m 31s):
And we, we don’t match that negative vibe. Like it, all it’s going to happen is its like game on. And now we have given that snarky, miserable person, an outlet to, to argue and fight and to bring all of this negativity, intention to the table. We’re not doing that. We’re not doing that. Happy people. Don’t spread misery. So control your thinking. Don’t let the other person control the situation and bringing you down into that negative space. Okay. Number two, I want you to notice what’s happening in your body when you’re triggered. OK. So let’s say that the person says something to you.
2 (15m 13s):
I mean, it’s like write it. Like somebody said like, Oh my gosh, I would never have let my kids behave like that. What are those table manners? You’re just whatever stupid thing or your kids, like whatever. Maybe you ask you your teenager a question. And they were like, I don’t know, whatever. And then you have some Relatives sang. I would say, Oh my goodness. Wow. You know, I, I can imagine a child behaving or saying that kind of having that kind of tone with their parent. You know, they say something like that. And you started to feel yourself like you, like you start to get hot. Right? And there’s a reason because when we go into that triggered state, we go into this emotional space in our brain where we’re not thinking clearly anymore.
2 (15m 57s):
And our heart rate speeds up. And, and you may notice that your heart starts, starts pounding. You started to get hot. The blood is literally leaving your head and go into your extremities. And there’s a whole reason that that happens. But notice where you’re feeling in your body. And then if you want to, you’re going to want to punch me in the face for this. But I’m telling you, it works. Like we have this amazing access to something called the breath and it, if it moves you up in your brain. So when you notice that your heart starts to raise, you start to get high you or maybe sweating a little bit. Like I sweat a little bit under my arms. Don’t ask I now TMI. So you started to notice those sensations in your body.
2 (16m 37s):
That’s your trigger. That’s your real trigger to take a deep breath, you know? So you take a deep, deep breath. If you don’t do yoga, if you do yoga, it’s your giant breath. And its a deep inhale to the count of four posit the top and a deep, slow exhale, literally three deep breaths. Nobody even needs to know that you’re doing it. You don’t need it to do it like in yoga class where it sounds like Darth Vader, you can do it without anyone noticing. It just helps you to keep your cool. So you stay in control of your own thinking and You, and then you want to sort of empathize, right? Like in your brain, you’re breathing. And then you’re just like looking at the situation from the other person’s point of view.
2 (17m 22s):
So you really want like a mantra in your head. Something like, like we all just want a raise, good people. We all just want to raise good people in your head. You’re just Coaching yourself. Because the only thing you have control over is your own thinking. So you might as well take, take this moment and this opportunity to let it roll over a barrel off your back by Coaching yourself and saying like, we all just want to raise good people. We all just want a raise, good people remembering this other person judging you. Or they just want validation that the way they did it was the right way or the way they’re doing it is the right way because we all really want the same thing. And so if it’s maybe your parents or your in-laws that are judging, you feel like they there or they see you doing it differently than they did.
2 (18m 10s):
And so in some way, what they really want to hear from you in that moment is that they did a good job. They see you doing something and it’s almost like their ego comes online. Like, well, what was the wrong way? We didn’t, we didn’t do things so shabby, you turned out just fine. You know, everybody forgets all the hard moments. And so they want validation that they didn’t do such a poor job. That’s really what they want. But all you can do in those moments is just kind of like you manage your own mind, master your own mind, stay in the driver’s seat, breathe, say a mantra. And remember when you quit taking it personally, because it’s really never personal.
2 (18m 53s):
Even when it feels very personal, it’s always a self projection. Then you stay in the driver’s seat and you don’t end up saying things to your kids or doing things that are going to exhaust You and take you off your a game and have you not enjoying your holiday as much as possible. So I don’t know if this is resume resonating with you guys, but I just thought, you know, I know the holidays can be a little stressful. I know that that judgment piece, we want our kids to be on best behavior. And so sometimes we bring an element of stress and all of these kind of unrealistic expectations to the table.
2 (19m 35s):
And it’s just not very fun for anyone. It’s not fun for our kids were not making a positive memories. When we show up as this tense worried person who is just like, you guys don’t do anything or say anything that that is going to, you know, make us look bad, like that whole attitude, it’s just too much pressure for everyone versus showing up, being your awesome self, enjoying each other, not having this real unrealistic view of ah, you know, it was perfectionistic thinking that you’re trying to impress everyone and you’re just being warm and loving and friendly and having a good Holiday. It helps you to focus on what really matters versus worrying so much about everyone behaving and looking and being so perfect.
2 (20m 23s):
Cause that’s really the point of the holidays. So that’s what I’ve got for you guys. And I would love to know if you found this helpful and for those of you who don’t know about me and you want to learn more tips, I have, you can download my free book. I’ll put a comment, I’ll put, I’ll put a link to it in the comments section and you can download it for free the parent gap. And it’ll give you lots more of these tips and kind of the, the roadmap two master your mind and be the parent that you want to be, even when you’re surrounded with judgment and yuckiness and heated moments and all of the things by
1 (21m 10s):
Have you read my book, a parent gap, or have you listened to my book, the parent gap? I doubt you’ve listened because my publisher hasn’t released it yet on audible. However, I have the audio version of the parent gaff that I would love to send to you. You can download it at Mastermind Parenting dot com forward slash book that’s Mastermind Parenting dot com For slash book for your free audio version of the parents that your welcome bye.