Our convo this week is about diffusing a potential meltdown when your kid is starting to spiral. This is a clip from a FB Live free training I made. I think you’ll enjoy the story about my crazy person moment from a trip last summer when some other hotel guests were making a mother truckload amount of noise in the hallway at 6 am. I become crazy when you wake my sleeping babies because guess who’s gonna have to deal with their foul moods all day. Me! That’s who. My teenagers are far from cranky toddlers but this mama bear still gets nutso. Who can relate?
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About Randi Rubenstein
Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.
She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.
At Mastermind Parenting, we believe every human deserves to have a family that gets along.
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You’re listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode 96,
My name’s Randi Rubenstein and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast where we believe when your thoughts grow the conversations in your home flow,
Super excited to dive into today’s topic. But before we do, here’s a quick word from our sponsor for today’s episode is brought to you by the Mastermind Parenting membership, our exclusive private year long Mastermind in the mastermind. You’re going to find a tribe of smart, determined it, and sometimes even slightly rebellious parents who all happen to have something in common. We all have at least one strong-willed kit. We’re a group of trailblazers. We believe that everything’s figure out-able. We learn how to laugh more and yell way less. We solve problems. We have PRODUCTIVE combos instead of lectures that always fall on deaf ears. Anyway, as you guys know, we’re group of action takers, we don’t allow ourselves to stay stuck living in a home that feels like we’re walking on eggshells.
0 (1m 7s):
Life’s too short for that. We dig in, we take action and we figure out what’s coming up for us. When our kids are pushing our buttons, we also learn to see our kids differently and how to speak to them in a way that they can actually hear without the constant fighting and dictator type behavior. We change patterns that have possibly been in our families for generations. We become the happy problem-solving parents and people. We hope our kids will grow up to be because you can’t teach what you don’t have. You got to do it first guys, the door’s are officially open and were enrolling for the Mastermind Parenting membership, February cohort group.
0 (1m 48s):
So if you’re ready to get the coaching support, training resources and accountability, you deserve to finally take your family from surviving to thriving. I want you to join the mastermind, go to Mastermind Parenting dot com For slash February, and apply for the Mastermind. There’s an option to book, a free call with Lindsey, L I N D S E Y on my team. If you want all of the deets to determine whether the Mastermind will be a good fit for you. It’s Mastermind Parenting dot com forward slash February giant. Things are happening in the Mastermind. So if you’ve been a podcast listener for a while, and you are ready to have some accountability and experience a community, like you have never, ever been involved in and come apply for the Mastermind.
0 (2m 38s):
Hi guys, how are you this week? And today’s convo. I cover the Top Tip to Diffuse a Potential Meltdown and I included a free training. I did on Facebook Live, which is all about when your kid starts to spiral. But really I told a story about when I was starting to spiral that I think a lot of you guys will probably relate to, or maybe think I’m even nuttier than you may already think I am. And, and just what was going on for me and what helped to talk me off that ledge off that crazy town ledge, and how using that exact same method really is the answer.
0 (3m 27s):
When you see your kids starting to spiral, and then, you know, when you like to say the wrong thing and they spiral more, and then it’s just like the point of no return. And you’re like, damn it. I, I, I knew I, why didn’t, I just know what the, what to say. I didn’t know what to say in that moment. I want you to listen to this episode, because I think after this episode, you’re going to realize what, what little tiny thing you were missing. And it will really equipped you to know what to say. Next time you recognize they’re in that place where they could, they could be, you know, if you used the right tool, they, it can diffuse the situation. If you choose the wrong tool is going to go to the point of no return.
0 (4m 11s):
So I hope you find this episode useful, have a great week.
2 (4m 17s):
Hi guys, I wanted to make you a free training about, you know, when your kid is starting to escalate and you know that it’s not going to be good. Like very soon, like there they come, they’re whining. They’re maybe even crying. They’re all dramatic. And they’re acting like their, just like on the verge of going to that point of no return. I have a tool I want to teach you guys today and to explain sort of how it works. I want to tell y’all about yall, a quick story. So although maybe it won’t be so quick, but I’ll try.
2 (5m 0s):
So at the end of the summer, I was visiting San Diego. I went on a vacation. I was meeting up with some friends and their kids, and I was there with two out of three of my children and my kids are teenagers. So I was there with my, with my senior and almost a senior in high school daughter at the time she is now almost done with the first semester of her senior year of high school and my youngest child who was going into eighth grade. So 13 and 18, we’re at my favorite hotel. Like this place that we’ve been visiting for many years. And it’s right on the beach. We like, and we just love everything about this hotel.
2 (5m 42s):
It’s a little boutique hotel. It’s not too fancy. It’s two stories. It’s just, we’ve just loved it for years. So we’re there. And I have teenagers that sleep in. So now, like the tables have turned wear. This is what happens when you’ve got little kids who were like, just sleep. I just sleep. And now I’m like creeping out of the hotel room because I, they won’t wake up, but I’m also wanting them to get their sleep. And it was the first day of our vacation. And we’re getting used too, a little bit of a time difference. And I really want them to get their sleep because I know it’s going to, it’s gonna be the difference. Even with teenagers, like it never stops is gonna be the difference between a good day and a bad day. So morning them to get their sleep. But I’m getting up at the crack because I’m a middle-aged and they sleep in.
2 (6m 26s):
So I told you it couldn’t be too fast. So I’m there. It’s like six o’clock in the morning, which is eight o’clock Houston time. So I’m like wide awake. I’m trying to be super quiet and the hotel room, so dark and all of a sudden it is six o’clock in the morning. And I am just hearing kids running down the hall, yelling at the top of their lungs, stomping, just like having some kind of a dance party. And it goes on for like 20 minutes and, and it’s crazy. And so I’m wanting him not to wake my kids up because I’m certainly not wanting to have cranky teenagers that got woken up at six o’clock in the morning. So I Leave my hotel room and I go downstairs and, and I go to the lady at the front desk and M and I’m literally like, like, like, like sweat pants, no bra, like looking at like a Haggard woman.
2 (7m 20s):
And I’m like, what is the story? Why is there so much noise? And the lady is like, excuse me. And it’s just a small hotel. And I said, I don’t understand. There’s like kids running up and down the halls. So they’re making all this noise at six o’clock in the morning. And she’s like, ma’am, we can not yet. You tell other guests how to behave at home. I was like, really? Because at six o’clock in the morning, it’s a bit ridiculous. And she’s like, well, we have to, and here or anything down here, and it’s not a big hotel. What do you expect us to do? Tell other people how to parent their kids. And I was like, wow, I expect you guys to be thinking about all of the other guests that are sleeping at six o’clock in the morning to go and to tell the people, Hey, this is not okay.
2 (8m 7s):
Like, bring it outside. Like you needed to be quiet. She’s like, well, you know, you can not tell. So she started arguing and she’s like, I don’t know what you want us to do, but we can not tell. So she’s arguing with me will guess what happens? Like I was already like on the verge, like I was escalating and I came downstairs and I come to her for help. This is, this is like a kid going to an adult for help. So I’m going to the lady that works they’re for help. And she started arguing with me. She basically tells me that there is nothing she can do. She basically is insinuating that I’m ridiculous to think that other guests should be told not to be disruptive should not be loud.
2 (8m 52s):
So she’s arguing with me for being upset rather than coming from a place of helpfulness. And I’m, I get more frustrated. And so I started to escalate and I started to escalate and I’m like, you know, so I started arguing. I’m like, you know what? This is ridiculous. I’ll just take it up with your manager at a later. OK. So she’s like fine. And she just she’s really rude to me. So I’ll give you the rest of the story in a minute. But the bottom line is, is how many times our, our kids are the six o’clock in the morning version of me there. They’ve got some kind of upset.
2 (9m 33s):
They come to us for help. And we try to argue with them why they shouldn’t really be upset, how there’s nothing we can do. And we try to talk them out of their upset. Okay. It never works. All it ends up. All of that ends up happening is exactly what happened with me. I not more upset. And then I’m ready to take it up a notch. Then I start like, you know, like, I didn’t even know what version of myself I became in that moment. Like, frankly, I was glad, and none of my kids were with it because they would have been super embarrassed. And I know I look like a crazy person, but like I was pissed. She was not hearing me. And I was like, just escalating and escalating and escalating.
2 (10m 14s):
I am super triggered.
3 (10m 16s):
So this is exactly it.
2 (10m 19s):
Why our kids, when they come to us and they are experiencing upset, and then we say something and next thing you know, they’re just losing it. Like we say the exact opposite thing that they need in those moments. And that just accidentally exacerbates the situation. And then they start spiraling to a place of even more upset, just like the lady at the hotel did with me. So when we talk about the solution, the solution is exactly what happened later. When I went and met the manager, the manager, he handles it, like I said, you know, I’ve had a situation this morning with the woman at the front desk.
2 (11m 0s):
And I said, so it was really upset. It was six o’clock in the morning. It’s our first day here on vacation. And my kids are still sleeping. And there was some really loud guests running up and down the hall. And I came down and I wanted her to help me manage the situation. And she, she wasn’t willing. And I got really upset. And, and I just, I don’t know. I don’t know if you guys have a policy that you’re, you know, whatever. And all he did was he was like, wow, you got woken up at six o’clock in the morning. He was like, I am so sorry that that happened. Yeah. That’s upsetting. And, and you came down to get some help and you didn’t receive any.
2 (11m 45s):
And I was like, yes, exactly. And he’s like, that must’ve been super frustrating. I was like, it was frustrating. And then I started owning. I was like, yeah. And then I kind of started acting a little crazy. And he’s like, well, it’s understandable. Like you were tired, you were on vacation. And you’re here at a hotel that you love and you expect to be able to get a decent sleep. And then you get woken up at six o’clock in the morning, your first day on vacation, like I, it’s understandable. And I was like, well, thank you for understanding. He was like, yeah, you know what, we’re gonna end. So then he got, and he, after he did that piece, then he kind of like goes on to tell me all the ways that they are going to remedy the situation.
2 (12m 29s):
And by the end of my trip, because of this guy, the way he handled the situation for the rest of my trip, I had the best time. I mean, he, when he came from a place of wanting to help seeing my perspective, like didn’t argue with me at all and next, and then I became kind of an ideal guest. And I was like, I have loved this hotel forever. And I will just be like, Oh, I went on Yelp. I’ve never given a review ever on Yelp. I went on Yelp and get them a five-star review because he literally changed my whole vacation. So he went from the possibility of, Me never a loyal of a formerly loyal or, you know, hotel guests to never coming back, losing my business, to making me customer for life and even going and posting a five star or not.
2 (13m 23s):
I’m not on Yelp. I’m a travel adviser, a five star review on travel advisor. OK. So that’s because he handled it this way. When your kids are experiencing upset, like a crazy person, me at six o’clock in the morning with the hair and the sweat pants in the no bra on the whole thing, instead of doing what the hotel man and the hotel lady at the front desk did, and arguing with your kids, I want you to do these things. Number one, you’ve got to walk in their shoes and imagine it from their perspective. That’s what this guy did.
2 (14m 4s):
Your on your vacation. You’re going to see their perspective. You got to imagine walking in their shoes. Yeah, it’s understandable. You’re on vacation. You don’t want to be woken up at six o’clock in the morning, yada, yada, yada, you have to walk in the other person’s shoes. That’s number one, walk in their shoes to see their perspective. Really? Imagine if you have this crazy person coming up to you, super irate and upset, there has to be something from their perspective that would make them that upset and irate. So your kid comes to you with whatever the situation is. And there are escalating. We have to find out more to the story. We have to be able to see it from their perspective to do it, go back to training from last week, which was you have to be able to Q-tip quit taking it personally.
2 (14m 52s):
It’s never about you. When someone’s in a moment of upset, they just want to have someone else see it from their perspective and truly understand what’s upsetting them so much. So you have to a walk in their shoes, see it from their perspective, quit taking it personally realize it’s not about you. No matter how they’re showing up, it’s not about you. If that lady would have handled it with me knowing it wasn’t about her, it wasn’t, it was nothing about her until she started combating me. All she has to do is to be like, yes, I get it. That’s disruptive. Let me send some, let me go check on that right away. She didn’t. Okay. So walk in their shoes.
2 (15m 32s):
Q-tip and don’t try and argue or convince the other person why they’re wrong or shouldn’t be upset. That’s where she made the big mistake. She started to argue with me. She is, you know, all she needed to do was exactly what her manager did. All she needed to do with that. See my perspective and me are who is like, wow, on your vacation, six o’clock in the morning. Yeah. That is super frustrating. I can understand why you were so upset. That is unacceptable. Okay. There’s no arguing. You just go with it and the way you do it is what he did. You state the obvious. When you imagine what it is from their perspective, you don’t argue or convince them why they shouldn’t be upset.
2 (16m 15s):
Your kid falls down and hurts their leg. And what are we say so often then you’re okay. You’re okay. And then they cry louder. Instead. It’s like, you felt that you say the obvious you felt down and, and scraped your knee. And now it’s all red and it’s hurting. And so he came over here. Wow. That must really hurt. Can I blow on it? Can I get you something? Do you just need a hug? That must really hurt. Not your, okay, Hear come over here. How can I help? Next thing you know, you’ve got a kid running off there, like I’m fine. But if you argue with them, you’re okay. You’re okay. Then that way they cry louder. No one wants to be argued with and have their feelings invalidated.
2 (16m 56s):
So we got to stop doing that. It doesn’t work. It doesn’t work. And all that does is exacerbate the upset and turn the person into the crazy person. Like I was turned into when she was arguing with me. So let’s all channel that inner hotel manager. And, and imagine being in that person’s shoes, walking in their shoes and even going as far as stating with that is what you’re imagining that is. Don’t argue or try to convince them to feel a different way, right? And state the obvious. Just say, whatever it is, you can see their experiencing, you felt down You it looks like you scraped your knee.
2 (17m 41s):
That must really hurt. You seem upset. You got woken up at six o’clock in the morning on your vacation. That’s super frustrating. I’d be upset to I get it. That’s It so seeing their prospective, when somebody is upset, you wanna see their perspective. You want to let them know you see their perspective. By following these three steps, these three steps don’t try to convince. Are, are you going to a Q-tip you got to walk in their shoes. Don’t try to convince her argue and state the obvious. All right. Hope. This is helpful. I’ll put a link to a free copy of my book. If you guys want to hear more of these tips and there’s gonna be another training coming soon about what to do next.
1 (18m 31s):
Have you read my book, the parent gap. Have you listened to my book? The parent gap? I doubt you’ve listened because my publisher hasn’t released it yet on audible. However, I have the audio version of the parent gap that I would love to send to you. You can download it at Mastermind Parenting dot com For slash book that’s Mastermind Parenting dot com For slash book for your free audio version of the parents that you are welcome. I.