In this week’s podcast, I discuss the best things to do when your kid experiences a loss or a setback. The best thing to do is mostly S.T.F.U. Yup. You heard me correctly. I discuss more in this short FB Live free training I did. Enjoy!
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About Randi Rubenstein
Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.
She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.
At Mastermind Parenting, we believe every human deserves to have a family that gets along.
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You’re listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode 97.
My name’s Randi Rubenstein and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast where we believe when your thoughts grow the conversation’s in your home flow.
I’m super excited to dive into today’s topic. But before we do, here’s a quick word from our sponsor. Today’s episode is brought to you by the Mastermind Parenting membership, our exclusive private year-long Mastermind and the mastermind. You’re going to find a tribe of smart determinant and sometimes even slightly rebellious parents who all happen to have something in common. We all have at least one strong-willed kid. We’re a group of trailblazers. We believe that everything’s figure out-able. We learn how to laugh more and yell way less. We solve problems. We have PRODUCTIVE combos instead of lectures that always fall on deaf ears. Any way as you guys know we’re group of action takers, we don’t allow ourselves to stay stuck living in a home that feels like we’re walking on eggshells.
0 (1m 8s):
Life’s too short for that. We dig in, we take action and we figure out what’s coming up for us. When our kids are pushing our buttons, we also learn to see our kids differently and how to speak to them in a way that they can actually hear without the constant fighting and dictator type behavior. We change patterns that have possibly been in our families for generations. We become the happy problem-solving parents and people. We hope our kids will grow up to be ’cause. You can’t teach what you don’t have. You got to do it first guys, the doors are officially open and we’re enrolling for the Mastermind Parenting membership, February cohort group.
0 (1m 49s):
So if you’re ready to get the coaching support, training resources and accountability, you deserve to finally take your family from surviving to thriving. I want you to join the mastermind, go to Mastermind Parenting dot com For slash February and applied for the Mastermind. This is an option to book, a free call with Lindsey, L I N D S E Y on my team. If you want all of the deets to determine whether the Mastermind would be a good fit for you. It’s Mastermind Parenting dot com forward slash February giant. Things are happening in the masterminds. So if you have been a podcast listener for a while, and you are ready to have some accountability and experience a community, like you have never, ever been involved in and come apply for the Mastermind hi guys, how are you this week?
0 (2m 41s):
I hope you’re doing well in this week’s podcast. I have a really short clip from a Facebook live free training that I did, which is all about when your kid is experiencing upset or Disappointment, and really the best thing that you can do during these moments. And I promise you it’s most likely the thing that you’re not doing. I know that’s the case for me. This has been probably one of my biggest Parenting. Struggle’s the thing that I talk about here, which hint, hint, it’s about talking less and listening more, but I think you guys will find this short and sweet episode really helpful.
0 (3m 29s):
2 (3m 31s):
Hi guys. I have been making you have some free training for the last couple of weeks and over Thanksgiving, I made it about the tool that I call it. The Q-tips. If you haven’t seen that, go back and check it out. The second one was all about seeing someone else’s perspective. And I told a story about me freaking out at a hotel and getting woken up at six o’clock in the morning. And this is all building up to something, but you have to wait to see what it is. And the third one I want to live, I want to talk about today is all about when your kid Experiences upset or Disappointment what we typically do and why it’s the wrong thing and what to do instead.
2 (4m 17s):
So for those of you who don’t know me, I’m Randi Rubenstein I’m the founder of Mastermind Parenting and I have a Podcast and Mastermind Parenting Podcast I wrote a book called a pair of gap and a, you should definitely check out the podcast and read the book. I’m going to put a, I’ll put a link to the book, a free copy of the audio book in the comments below. If you want to check that out. Okay. So what do we typically do when our kids are upset? My daughter just had an upsetting, a disappointing experience happened to her. It happens in life where you don’t make the team, or you don’t get into the college that you want, or you get dumped by the friend and you don’t know why.
2 (5m 3s):
And so often when other people, when people, we love experience upset, it is painful. And it’s hard for us to sit with them in those, in that Disappointment in those negative emotions, it’s upsetting to us, right? It’s upsetting to us. What do we want? What does that every parent typically se when you say it, like, what do you want for your kids? They’re like, I just want them to be happy. I want them to live a life of opportunity. I want them to be successful because ultimately I just want them to be happy. We want them to be happy. So when they show up and they’re not happy, like we get really uncomfortable.
2 (5m 44s):
And what our typical go-to strategy without even thinking about it is, is we want to happen to them up. We want to talk them out of that upset. We want to get, we want to make their, their negative emotions go away. We want to take it away. Right? And so, you know, you’ll die and you do this with the people you love. You also do it. Like if somebody like had somebody die or experienced some kind of upset or Disappointment, you know, a lot of times you want to quickly get to the, to the silver lining wisdom. You know, you want to tell someone, everything happens for a reason. Or if like somebody died, you were like, Oh, how old were they?
2 (6m 24s):
Because you want to get to the, Oh, they lived a long, beautiful life. Now it’s upsetting. When someone you love dies, no matter how old they are, it still upsetting. There is still a grieving process that happens. So we quite often, we want to like tie it up in a nice, neat little bow. When I say things happen for a reason, we want to talk about the bigger lesson. We want to move that person through the grieving or the upset or the Disappointment more quickly than they probably want to be moved through it. And, and, and so that’s the wrong thing to do. The thing to do is I want you to imagine that, like, I’m like, I’m holding my phones, like duct taping your lips.
2 (7m 11s):
The best thing you can do is to do, but a lot of people call it hold space. You just sort of get quiet. And you literally say almost nothing. If you have to say something, you do what therapists do, which is active listening. And this is kind of like the technical term for it. But don’t say it like that. How does that make you feel like a therapist would, you’re just going to sort of like mirror whatever they say. So if they are talking, they’re like, you know, it’s a kid that, that didn’t get into the college they wanted, then you’re like, Oh, it sucks.
2 (7m 55s):
It does. That’s how they feel. It sucks. It sucks to get a rejection letter, your kid that falls down and hurts themselves when they come over to you in Your and you want to go with you? You’re okay. You’re okay. Which is a silver lining. It silver lining. Yet. You want to say you’re okay. You’re okay. No, they’re not. Okay. Instead it’s like, Oh a and they’re like it to her. And she were like, it hurts. That’s mirroring. Oh, it hurts. It hurts. It really hurts. Okay. That’s mirroring. And, and you can just give her a hug. You can just hold space. You can just get quiet. You can just let them know your there. You can allow them to sit with that upset in Disappointment because really no one wants to be happy to help them when they’re going through it.
2 (8m 41s):
They just want to know that your there, for them like sitting and just holding space for someone and being there with them with the negative emotion, which is super uncomfortable for us is extremely unselfish. It’s actually quite selfish to try and happy them up to try and move them from that state to the next day, like allow them to just be human and have the process to be upset. And when you do that, it’s super generous. The other person feels it. They feel seen, heard, valued, appreciated, loved. It’s a beautiful thing. So that’s my tip for today.
2 (9m 22s):
Literally. What is it? S T F U N. When someone you love is going through upset, the best thing you can do is to be there with them and say very little and just be there with them in their upset. Just be quiet, just hold space. Just show up in a supportive way. So that’s what I’ve got. And I will put the eye in the comments below. I’ll put a link to my book if you want to download a free copy. Okay. You guys have a great weekend. Bye.
1 (9m 60s):
Have you read my book, a parent gap? Have you listened to my book? The parent gap? I doubt you’ve listened because my publisher hasn’t released it yet on audible. However, I have the audio version of the parent gaff that I would love to send to you, or you can download it at Mastermind Parenting dot com For slash book that’s Mastermind Parenting dot com for slash book for your free audio version of the parent gap. You’re welcome. I.