This topic is relevant to anyone who struggles with pack leadership, wishy washy follow thru, camp counselor mom who turns into yelling and shaming mom.
We had a conversation a few days ago in my parenting group about women and why boundaries are so hard for so many of us.
And when boundaries aren’t so hard, meaning you ask unapologetically for what you want, you’re assigned a negative label like bitch, selfish, self absorbed, narcissist.
I do think there’s a balance. I think all healthy relationships involve compromise or I guess I should say I’m learning these things…because remember, I’m doing this work too and definitely don’t have all the answers.
Asking for the things we want to happen.
Stating our rules. Our non-negotiables.
Making clear what we stand for and what we WON’T stand for.
Boundaries are often met with resistance and discontent from others.
And this is totally normal. Of course other people might not be thrilled about our boundaries. It inconveniences them if they had other ideas about what they’d like to happen in that moment or re: that thing.
Do you remember being happy as a kid when you wanted to run around the lunch room or a restaurant and the grown ups would not have it.
Kids weren’t designed to dine. They were designed to run and play.
However, you learned at some point what the boundaries were around meal time. Somehow every kid in that lunch room clearly understood those boundaries and managed to adhere to the rules and ultimately manage their bodies and stay seated.
Effective boundary setting is a big part of pack leadership.
It helps kids feel safe b/c it takes the constant uncertainty outta the equation, especially when established without shame, guilt or yelling.
Why is it so hard to allow our kids and the people we love to experience discomfort? Why do we rescue? Why is it so uncomfortable for us?
This. Is. The. Work.
And how often are we rescuing and sorta pissed about it? I promise this creeps into your relationships and creates resentment and friction.
Martyr-hood is FAR from sainthood. Don’t fool yourself that just b/c you’re doing all the things and putting yourself last on your list that you’ll be celebrated.
I promise you do a lot of the things with a little bit of a jerky attitude and your people feel that and end up resenting you for it!
And if you think you unapologetically speak up and have been mislabeled as selfish, check yourself too.
Are you in a pattern where you just want more more more time to yourself and you have a hard time just chillin’ with your family?
There’s possibly guilt and shame on the scene for you about the time you do spend on yourself and this precludes your mind from relaxing and truly being present during the little moments with your kids.
And like martyhood, that’s exhausting too!
When we resist doing every little thing or constantly saving the day, our people (and pets, Aryn:), learn better coping skills to manage their own discomfort.
When we rescue and do all the things, we enable, coddle and foster codependency.