Bonus Episode – Judging, losing, civilized behavior and talking to kids about toxic events

0 (1s):
My name is Randi Rubenstein and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast at Mastermind Parenting were on a mission to support strong-willed kids and families that love them. You are listening to the Mastermind Parenting

1 (14s):
Casts with Randi Rubenstein special. Ryot in Washington Podcast edition. I was a mouthful. Okay. I am recording this because we had a pretty crazy situation happened this week, and I’ve had a lot of moms asking me, how do we talk to our kids about this shit show that went down and Washington, and especially when it was all going on on Wednesday, obviously it was pretty scary to witness. Like I had a little bit of a nine 11 flashback, which I remember it’s like when people in the generation before me talk about remembering exactly where they were, when JFK got shot.

1 (1m 1s):
I remember exactly where I was when nine 11 went down. I don’t know if you guys Do, but I was sort of having a little bit of that experience, watching those images, ah, all day on, you know, on the television. And so when you, when the conversation started in my groups, we started kind of discussing it. And anyway, so I want to add, I want to use this as an opportunity because I know that the next few weeks are going to be really tense and there’s a lot of speculation. And I know that many of you guys, including myself were, you know, were on edge.

1 (1m 46s):
I mean, the morning that the riots went down, I said to my husband and I don’t sit and watch the news. I don’t, I rarely watch the news. My husband mostly just gives me the cliff notes because frankly, I just don’t have the bandwidth. And I’m, and it’s just, I don’t know. I, I know that the media is a business and they have a big agenda to keep us captivated and to show us the most dramatic pieces. And there’s a spin on everything and whether you’re watching and I say, it’s like, do you believe you Anderson Cooper?

1 (2m 28s):
Or are you a CNN person? Or do you believe Fox news? So, so many of us, it’s just, you know, we’re not turning to lots of different resources. We have our main resource. And then we think that that’s the gospel. And, and I know that you have to take it all with a grain of salt and to really, really be properly a prized of what the facts are and to make your own informed decision. It takes a lot of time to really educate yourself. So I don’t, I don’t want to spend my time doing that because I wouldn’t be able to do what I do.

1 (3m 7s):
So I mostly depend on about three resources, one being my husband to keep me a prize of, of events. And, and we were talking about it the other morning. My point is that it’s rare for us to sit around. Like he really just gives me the ball. I’m like, okay, if he goes too far into it, I’m like, just give me the bullets, just give me the bullets. So we are talking about it. And I said, you know, I have found it hard to believe that he’s just gonna go out without there being drama. And I said, it’s just hard to believe in then that day of the riots happened. So, so a mom and my group said later on in the day, it was right around dinnertime.

1 (3m 49s):
When the riots we’re going on, how am I going to talk to my kids and address this situation? So this was her post. She says, does anyone have good advice for how to explain to the kids what’s happening in DC right now? I’ve purposely not turn on the TV today, but I’m sure there will be talk. And it was curious, have the best way to discuss my initial thoughts are saying something like, you know, how we talked about okay. And not okay. Ways to act when you’re upset. Well, these are not okay. These are the non okay ways. And this is why it’s so important for you to learn the okay ways I’m trying to not, Oh, this is, and this is why it’s so important for you to learn the okay ways. Then she says, I’m trying to not give my political belief, but make it relevant for them and why I care so much about how violence is never.

1 (4m 38s):
Okay. Even if you’re upset and have a right to be upset. Not that I’m saying these people Do FYI. Okay. So that’s what she said. And then another mom, Rebecca said, we live about 20 minutes from the Capitol. So it’s front and center for us. There were helicopters over us. And when we went for a walk after, when we went for a walk after work, my kids had some questions and I could see they were nervous about their own safety. And then Aaron said, I personally have been speaking with my seven year old about this for months. I was truly a neutral party and spoke only about facts today.

1 (5m 18s):
I spoke my opinion, ne observations with my son about a bully and sore loser. We have a great conversation that I truly stayed with the facts as per my observations, in my honest opinion. I want to share this historic time with my family to have the tough conversations. God bless all. And so my immediate response when Annie chimed in was, I said, Annie, the main thing is to check in with yourself before going into teachable moments. Okay. So when she says she hasn’t turned the TV on all day, she hasn’t done this, but the way what she wants to do is she wants to talk about okay, and not okay.

1 (6m 3s):
Ways to act. And then she wants to pull it back. And so for many of us, many of the people in my community that I work with, we all have one common thread that is, we’ve got a strong-willed child living in our household. And when you have a strong willed child, there tends to be a lot of reactivity. Okay. There’s some lagging skills. So quite often things can get heated, explosive, violent. So when Annie said she was nervous about it, but she wanted to go to okay. And not okay. Ways. My immediate thought was when this is going on in real time, like we’re not going to seize the day and use it to further our own agenda of why or how we can teach our kids that that meltdown they had last week is not okay.

1 (6m 55s):
And we’re not going to like it. Or even if we think we’re being really sneaky and nuanced about it, we’re not going to compare them to the freaking lunatic rioters. Okay. So I just wanted Annie to sort of be on to herself, right? Like if you want to immediately go into a teachable moment, and this is the first time you’re talking about this and its going on in real time and we’re all, you haven’t even fully processed this yet. Like you’re not in a position yet to go into a teachable moment. And so, and that’s actually just using the drama of the day to further your own personal agenda, have something you want to accomplish.

1 (7m 40s):
And I don’t think that that goes well. And I don’t think that that’s actually a very, your kids. So I just kind of wanted to, to, to pull that out. Cause that was my hunch. It, I could be wrong that might not have. She might’ve been like now it was totally calm and cool about it. And I just was, you know, knowing we’ve been talking about this stuff for a long time, like, so I could be wrong, but that was my hunch. I wanted, I was like, slow your roll. And so then I said, if you’re anxious, check in with yourself, if you’re anxious, like I talked to my friend, Alison that day, she was actually, she is one of my informers. And she was like, do you see what’s going on on the television? And it was like the afternoon.

1 (8m 20s):
And I was like, no, what’s going on. I don’t turn on the TV during the day. She was like, you gotta turn on CNN right now. So, you know, I was busy. I was, I was working, I was teaching workshops. I was whatever. And I didn’t even know. And so she was like, Oh my God. Oh my God. It, so I was talking to her and she had it on and I was like, just give me the cliff notes and all that. I’m in my car. You can’t turn on to the TV. She’s like, Oh my God, they’re storming now. Oh my God. They’re getting through the windows. Oh my God. Oh my God. And so she was very anxious. Okay. Notice if you’re going, you know, something like that happening. And our nation’s capital capital is something that we have never seen before. It is understandable that you are like my friend, Alison, you’re going to be anxious.

1 (9m 2s):
So when I wrote, if your anxious, no talkie, right. And you’ve got to check in with yourself, you’ve got to take care of you. First kid, 77% of communication is non-verbal. So kids pick up on our anxiety. And when the grown-ups, when they’re grown-ups are nervous or anxious, they feel nervous or anxious. Okay. So, so you got to make sure that you’ve done your own processing before, especially before you go into any teachable moments or connecting the dots or, you know, using it, you know, using it in a way to inform and educate your kids.

1 (9m 47s):
Okay. So really, really be honest in, check in with yourself. If you’re anxious, if you’ve processed through it, if you’ve held space for yourself, if you’ve talked to other adults to help you kind of keep things in perspective and really understand what this means and how, what you believe in moving forward. Okay. So I said, my personal stance on dicey matters in real time. Like this is say less, say less or answer questions. Don’t use it to accomplish teaching your kids some big thing when it’s going on in the heat of the moment.

1 (10m 29s):
Okay. So here’s a couple of things I want you all to remember when there’s instability in our world, okay? The kids need their grownups to be calm and stable above and beyond anything else, period. So the lowdown number one, safety kids just want to know their grown-ups are there safe Harbor? So that’s your number one. Agenda. His kids come to you. They’ve seen things. They’ve heard things somebody’s gone to a place of were in a civil war. He’s about to break out and we’re all gonna die. Okay. They come to you like that.

1 (11m 9s):
What our job is is to let the children know they are safe. They are children that we’ve got them. We are the grownups, it’s our job to keep them safe. Period. End of story. First and foremost, safe and healthy. That’s my job. I got you, babe. I’ve got you. Yeah. For some scary things going on and some craziness there and that’s why the grown-ups are here. That’s why we’ve got the police force. Now you can go into yeah. All good. You know, and if you’re, you know, a black person, you are, you’re like a please, please. I’m trying to teach my kids to know how to behave because the police are the bad guys.

1 (11m 51s):
You know? So I don’t want the police to gun my kid down. I hear you. And I want you to assure your children, that they get to be the children. The grown-ups are here to keep them safe. Now when our kids become teenagers, what’s the message. The message is it’s my job to keep you safe and healthy. And now you’re a teenager. I can’t be with you all the time. You’ve got a device. And I mean, this is how I talked about Tim. You know, my kids, my sons, about porn. You’ve got a device in your hands where there are bad guys that can put things in front of your brain, that you can never unsee.

1 (12m 35s):
That will change the way you think they can make you addicted to something unhealthy. And since I can’t be with you all the time and you don’t want me to be your at a stage of your life, where you need to have more independence and freedom, I need to pass that Baton to you. In some of the ways I need you to keep your brain safe. So we’ve got to put some boundaries in place to make sure that that happens. Do you understand, like my job is to keep you safe. I take it super seriously. And I’m not going to tell you can’t have a device, but I need you to take this super seriously about what kind of messages are presented before you and what kind of boundaries you have in place.

1 (13m 21s):
Right? So we are very clear that our job is to keep the people safe. And when they’re younger than teenagers, we, we get to assure them of that. Even when they’re scary shit going on in the world, did y’all hear my energy there. If you were my kid and that moment you were like, okay, well what is happening? Well, tell me what you’ve seen. What’s what, what, what does it seem like to you? And what do you think is most concerning? Okay. You shift into you assure them of safety and you shift into some fact-finding.

1 (14m 4s):
You’re asking them questions, its becoming a conversation. It’s not, you have on a soapbox, teaching it agenda is going to become a two way conversation, which they’re going to take part in and they’re going to buy into way more. Okay. So number one, safety, our number one job is to let them know and assure them that they are safe. Number two, pause and manage our own anxiety and thinking first, before accidentally it before accidentally downloading your fears onto your kids. So you say less, if you’re still processing, you just wait for the questions and you assure them of safety.

1 (14m 48s):
And if you’re not ready to have a calm conversation without downloading your fear and panic, if you haven’t processed it, you tell your kids. Yeah. I’m going to talk all about all of this with dad tonight because he knows a lot more about this. And then when I would do, maybe you are the politic knower politics knower in your family. You know what? I don’t know all of the details. I know what the media is showing us. It seems pretty crazy. And I know that the media, their job is to make sure that we keep their TV station on. And so drama sells. So they want to show us the most dramatic things.

1 (15m 28s):
But dad does all of the learning and our mom does a lot. She’s she reads all this stuff. She follows it or her job really keeps her well-informed on these things. I’m going to talk with her about what the real details are. And I got to, you know, I got to learn more about it and then I promise I will be here to answer all your questions or you can talk with dad with me, you know? But yeah, we’ll answer all your questions. We’ll find the information. I just don’t know it right now. And I don’t really believe what I see on TV because I know they’re running a business and they want to just show us the most drama.

1 (16m 8s):
Okay. So to give yourself some time and pause and hold space and remember you don’t have to be the all-knowing parent. You can say that to your kids. I don’t have all the answers. I have no clue. You know what? I, I, I don’t trust what I see on TV. So I wait and I’m going to ask you, I’m going to ask Alison, I’m going to ask Samantha, I’m going to ask dad. Well, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t make my kids respect me any less than I don’t know all the info on current events and backed as teenagers. It’s allowed them to feel like valuable from family members because it dinner when sometimes I’m getting a briefing of something major that’s happening in the world, they get to chime in and they get to do the teaching and educating and they get to feel super smart and awesome.

1 (16m 53s):
And I’m like, really that’s going on? And then every once in awhile I’ll get shamed. Like especially when my daughter she’ll Avery will be like, really mom, you didn’t know about that. It’s a hurricane. It’s all over the, and I was like, no, I didn’t know. Please. Less shame, more informing. Just tell me what the deal is. You can talk about all of it. Okay. So safety first pause and manage your own anxiety. Number three, turn off the news and have boundaries about what your kids hear and see at least in your home. Does that mean never watch the news news? No, it doesn’t mean never watch the news. It means have your sources, but do not have that news going on the TV in the background of your house with all that sensationalism, it is not healthy for your kids to have that going on in the background and it’s not healthy.

1 (17m 44s):
It kills magical thinking that their job is to learn through play, to feel in the world. They have plenty of time. They have their whole lives to be grown ups. They only have, I mean really the first 10 years for magical thinking, safeguard that like your life depends on it. Turn the news off. Okay. And number four, listen, ask questions, mirror, reflect back what you hear, connect the theme to something they can relate to. So after you’ve listened after you’ve done one, two and three, okay. And you really have been such a great listener.

1 (18m 25s):
You really have done a good job of asking questions. You really have reflected and mirrored back and met them where they are on what they are thinking about the situation. Then you can connect the theme to a teachable moment to something I can relate to, to talking about. Okay. And not okay. Behavior or, you know, sore losers or bullies, you know, never being willing to lose. So yeah. So those so in, in, so I’m recording this and I’m also including this. And as a link in, we send out a Mastermind Parenting weekly email.

1 (19m 8s):
And where I share our resources and right. A little blurb about a topic. And this week I was writing about judgment leading to all things Toxic okay. And if you would like to be on, get a weekly email from us, please email us at info at Mastermind Parenting dot com info at Mastermind Parenting dot com. And we’ll add you to that report each week, but it will have a link to the podcast and I right. A little something. And sometimes we have videos from our private, from, you know, our private Mastermind. So anyway, so the toxicity, right?

1 (19m 51s):
Like those maniacs storming our nation’s Capitol this week, we’re driven by judgment judgment of the officials who are in a position to air quotes, Trump, the president’s lies and adhere to the electoral process. Okay. So those maniacs were listening to the president and they decided to storm the Capitol because their judgment led to blame and anger and unprecedented upheaval in our country.

1 (20m 32s):
Okay. All of it. Toxic unhelpful, uncivilized. And I know it’s easy to judge back, right? Like it might sound like I’m Judging back. However, that’s not the solution. You guys, I don’t feel I have anything in common with a Trump supporting writer, but I know that I’ve been driven in my life to blame and anger at different times when I believed in something strongly and my position was trumped. And since all change begins with awareness, like when we simply notice, when we’re judging others and we all do it and we ask ourselves, what am I really Judging about myself here.

1 (21m 19s):
Right. So, so looking at it deeper. Okay. And even once you’ve processed through it, like having a conversation with your kids, right? Like the first two things, holding space in safety period. End of story. That’s what you do. But then once you’re like Aaron and the Mastermind and Aaron and the Mastermind, she said, she said that she, she said, she said that she’s been speaking with her. Seven-year-old y’all heard Do she’s been speaking with our seven year old she’s a bit for months. She has been a neutral party. Okay.

1 (21m 59s):
So she’s earned the right to go deep and teach lessons. She is not panicked about it. This has been an ongoing conversation. Okay. But don’t go there during the heat of the moment. If it’s the first time you’ve ever discussed in your discomfort, anxiety and agenda is going to bleed through and your kids, it won’t make your kids feel safe and secure. And that’s the number one priority, right? So remember when you’ve got this war families that don’t shy away from hard conversations and uncomfortable moments in history, we lean in, we hold space for ourselves. We work on judgement.

1 (22m 40s):
We work on the divisiveness in this country. We don’t have to have all the answers with our kids. We don’t have to be the all knowing parents. We can admit. I, I’m not sure I need to. I need to learn more about that. We ask lots of questions. We listen more than we talk. We foster critical thinking in our kids by asking lots of what and how questions. And we encourage our kids to think for themselves. Okay? And this is how they grow up to be calm and confident grownups that solve problems and fight for justice in civilized ways in civilized ways.

1 (23m 21s):
So I hope this helps you with those conversations. Have a good day.

0 (23m 25s):
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0 (24m 6s):
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0 (24m 48s):
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0 (25m 29s):
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2 (26m 21s):
I love to see you on the inside.