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MMP170: Judgey Grandparents

By January 18, 2022November 8th, 2023Mastermind Parenting Podcast
MMP165: Supporting Your Kids By Understanding Their Natural Temperament

In this episode, I read a mom’s scenario about a judgey grandparent telling her to spank her son and properly discipline them. I have a lot to say about this and how to handle out of line judgey grandparents.

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My name is Randi Rubenstein, and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast at Mastermind Parenting, we’re on a mission to support strong-willed kids and the families that love them. You’re listening to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast with Randi Rubenstein episode one 70. Hi guys. Well, this week I am going to read, I don’t know, one or two, just however many I can get through scenarios by parents who have strong-willed kids. These are just scenarios that my team looked for around social media, just to kind of keep our finger on the pulse of what people are struggling with. And we’ve found so many good scenarios.

I’m like, why don’t I just basically weigh in on these scenarios and give my feedback? I don’t know. I’ll come let me know if you think it’s helpful or not. If you are liking this format of us speaking to specific. Well, me not us. If you’d like me speaking to specific scenarios, you can always send an email and give us feedback at info at Mastermind, Parenting dot com info at Mastermind, Parenting dot com and feel free anytime to give us feedback on the podcast or present a scenario of your own or a suggestion we would love to hear from you.

(1m 22s):
Okay? So here’s a scenario and I thought this was a really good one. Having a frustrating time with my mom. She did not parent a strong-willed child. I was in no way strong-willed and my brother, while a challenge was closer to bipolar than strong-willed now side note, based on what this mom goes on to say, I’m not so sure about that because of the kind of parent her mom was. So I’m not sure, I’m not sure if this was a strong load child who became bipolar because he was so shut down her older brother, or if she herself, maybe wasn’t strong-willed you know, I don’t know.

(2m 10s):
I would question that because usually there’s rebellious teenage hood going on, like all kids when parented the way this woman’s mom parented or believes in parenting all roads lead to rebellion. So I’m just putting that out there. Okay. So she says she wasn’t strong-willed and she thinks her brother was bipolar more than strong-willed. He might be yes. In both her answer to everything. My mom’s answer to everything is to spank him, to spank my child. If he doesn’t stop and then wait to spank him.

(2m 51s):
And if he does, if he doesn’t stop, then it means I didn’t spank him. Good enough. And she’d spank again, harder. The thing is when he goes to the red zone spanking, when he goes to the red zone, spanking just adds fuel to the fire. Yeah, no shit. I know she’s questioning my parenting, but she honestly has no idea what parenting is. Strong-willed child is like, Hmm. Maybe not. I will say we’re visiting for six weeks and we have one week left. So there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Okay. So this mom, when she basically was raised, I want to applaud her because she was raised with this conditioning that you try to control kids with spanking and violence and shutting them down and not getting to the root of whatever the behavior is that they’re displaying, right?

(3m 51s):
Like not actually helping them, just shutting them down, overpowering them and showing up violently. And which ultimately my belief is it leads to mental illness. She’s got a bipolar brother and here, this woman is, no, it has an inner knowing. This is not the way to do things. This is not the way I want to do things. So there’s so she she’s able to remember in, in many ways, whether she realizes it or not, how terrible it was to grow up with that. And so that’s why I say, I don’t know if she’s not strong-willed because strong-willed kids are the kids in the world that are like, yeah, you’re doing it wrong people.

(4m 41s):
Why are you trying to control me? Why are you trying to shut me down? Why are you trying to overpower me? Instead of helping me? I’m a little kid who lives in my emotional brain. I need the grownups with the fully developed brains to help me solve the problems. If I’m acting in a way that, you know, is where I’m not being my best self, where I’m not being cooperative, or I’m not being, I’m not listening where I’m being aggressive. It’s because that’s how I feel inside my body, my nervous system’s feeling wonky and dysregulated. I don’t know how to manage the situation any other way.

(5m 22s):
And I need you grounded up to help me. Right? So, so are strong-willed kids. They dig their heels in and they act up because they’re going to demand the help that they deserve. And when we try to shut them down and overpower and smack them and, and, and abuse them rather than help them, they’re like, what the hell are you doing? I’m just going to fight harder. And so this mom, right? The daughter, the mom daughter, she’s like, yeah, we’re not doing things that way. So I don’t know if she’s not strong-willed because she knows the way she was raised is not the right way.

(6m 6s):
She knows it doesn’t feel good somewhere. There’s a deep inner knowing that she wants to do it differently. But because she wasn’t conditioned with that different way of doing things, she’s having to learn new tools and skills and, and she’s reading things and learning things. And, and she, you know, she’s just growing her CLX. So when she has a child, who’s showing up in their emotional brain, not doing well. And when you’re look, we all know when you’re not w when you disrupt life and you’re staying somewhere else for six weeks and you got to play by grandma’s rules. And grandma sounds like she’s, you know, a tyrant.

(6m 50s):
She doesn’t know any other way to do things. Now, the whole, you know, mom’s on edge because she knows how bad it was, how much it sucked growing up in grandma’s house. And now little tiny kid is here, not sleeping in their own bed, off their normal routine, feeling displaced. And it’s stressful. It’s tense. I’m sure strong-willed kid is being extra strong-willed because it’s not working. Right. And here, this mom is like, yeah, I, I don’t know what to, I can’t get him to stop or to do better.

(7m 35s):
And, and I’m questioning my own parenting. Of course, you’re questioning your own parenting. Cause you’re just growing your sea legs. Cause you were raised with all that nonsense, with all that abusive, spanking nonsense, and never getting to the root of the, of the, of the behavior. And, and your brother turned out to have actual mental illness, but you’re so strong and amazing that you’re trying to do it a different way. And you haven’t learned how to have boundaries yet. You haven’t learned how to fully get your pack leadership on you. Haven’t learned the skills yet to help your child feel safe in the world.

(8m 19s):
And to know when the mama’s there, you you’ve got them, they are safe, scary grandma, just because it’s her house doesn’t mean she gets to discipline your son. And so you having those boundaries with grandma is really what is at play here. But I do want to applaud this mom. Cause I think she sounds strong and amazing. And I do think she’ll get there and staying with her mother under the same roof for six weeks living by her rules. Yeah. Not okay.

(8m 60s):
Nope. We have to be so protective you guys over. I love how Glennon Doyle has described it. Even with her own mom who she’s very close to that when Glennon Doyle sort of blew up her whole life and left her husband for a woman for Abby Wamback who many straight women are like, we listened to, you know, many straight women I’ve heard, say like, I’ve never thought of myself as anything I’ve been straight, but I might leave my husband for Abby Wamback too, because she’s so awesome. We’ve all fallen in love with Abby from Glennon’s podcast. So, so Glen and blows up her whole life has never identified as gay leaves.

(9m 43s):
Her husband and marries Abby Wamback and her and Abby are creating their new normal and their new existence in the three kids. And, and her mom wanted to come visit. And, and Glen said, I love you mom, but you can’t come visit yet because we’re, we’re in we’re, you know, we’re basically in our castle and we’ve got a moat around us and we’re not putting that Drawbridge down for anyone. That’s going to come into our castle with fear because the kids aren’t scared, the kids are dealing with the kids are good.

(10m 25s):
And we have our own little sanctuary that we are, we’re building the foundation of right now. And so there’s no fear allowed because they love you mom. And they’ll send your fear and it will make them question a lot and make them feel less grounded in the world. Glennon says it and hall her brilliance. However, she says it, but she basically says she had, it was one of the hardest conversations because she had to tell her mom until you deal with all this mom and you make peace with the fact that I’ve started this next chapter of my life, which I feel really good about. And the kids are doing well until you deal with your own stuff about it. I can’t let you over here on my island.

(11m 9s):
I’m not going to put the driver for dark Drawbridge down for you. Like that’s a hard freaking boundary. And she was super close with her mom, but that’s how we have to remember like, like we have children to protect. And if our parents refuse to get with the program and think that they have the right to use old school discipline, or to tell us to use old school discipline or undermine our confidence when we’re just growing our sea legs on this, and they’re not being supportive to us, don’t put the Drawbridge down. Don’t do it.

(11m 49s):
Have the boundary in NAMI, tell you something. I get it for those of you who were raised with the, with a mother like this, which I think this mother sounds like kind of almost worst case scenario. You, you were probably this, this mom was probably raised to be a people pleaser to do everything possible, not to make waves or, you know, upset her mom. Because if she upset the mom, the mom was going to get violent with her and spank her and hit her. And so as a result, she probably did everything possible to, to make mom happy.

(12m 34s):
So when you’re setting a boundary like this with your own parents, it’s going to be very uncomfortable. It’s cringy, terrible feeling and leaning into that discomfort for the sake of your children, sending your kids. The message that when you’re there, you’re the mom in charge. No, one’s going to tell you how to parent them or discipline them. And no one is going to be disciplining them on your watch without your permission period. End of story. That’s what our kids need from us. It takes out, it takes a lot of confidence, takes a lot of courage. It takes a lot to get your brave on, to face your parents and to say we don’t do things that way we don’t believe in hitting.

(13m 18s):
We don’t believe in spanking. I don’t want my kid hitting their sibling. I don’t want my kid thinking that they control other people by showing up violently. I don’t want to have a 20 year old who thinks that they get to go into a bar and somebody looks at them the wrong way. They get to go and punch them in the face. That’s not what we’re doing here. We’re educated people. I believe in handling tough situations in a civilized way. Not using violence. That’s not what we’re doing here, mom. So no. And you can think whatever you want to think, but please keep it to yourself.

(14m 0s):
And it might not. It just might not work for us to come and stay with you. Like this might just not work. We may need to stay at a hotel and have shorter visits. We may just need to FaceTime for awhile, but this is not working. I don’t believe in hitting children. Well, what you’re doing, isn’t working because I’m learning new skills, mom, and I’m not justifying it to you. It’s frankly, it’s not your business. These are hard conversations to have when we’re willing to have these types of conversations with our own parents. This is setting boundaries. This is showing up as the grounded grown-up and it will be very uncomfortable.

(14m 45s):
It will, but you’re the mom. Now you’re the parent now. And anyone that undermines your confidence, not okay, not on our island, not putting the Drawbridge down controversial. I know this is not the way most people, you know, it’s like honor, your mother and father. I think you honor your mother and father by evolving as a human, by raising healthy humans that feel whole, that know you’re on their team.

(15m 26s):
That you’re here to talk with them, to help them learn skills for calming their bodies down for making sure they get the rest they need so they can show up as their best selves. You ha you, you are the parent that helps them to feel grounded when they are in their emotional brain. And you show up, you know, like listen to the tone of my voice. Like you think with this voice, anyone is going to come and tell me that I’m doing it wrong or how I should do it with my kids or that my kids should be behaviors because my smacking them, like you think I would put up with that for a minute.

(16m 7s):
This is the energy I want you guys to channel. Okay? And you are like, well, I never really thought about that. I never really even thought about this Spanking thing. You know, they learn by our example, they learn by what we model. And so if you model violence, you’re going to teach kids to solve problems with violence. And that’s the bottom line. And then you can’t get mad when your kids are beating the hell out of each other, because that’s what, that’s what they’ve seen when someone’s not doing what you want them to do, hit them, smack them verbatim, abused them.

(16m 60s):
Okay. And we’re not doing things that way. So you’re ready to learn a different way. I did recently. I talked about it last week, create a five part series called setting limits without spanking timeouts or sticker charts. It’s really good if I do say so myself and it’s five videos. It’s totally free. You should get it. Go to Mastermind, Parenting dot com forward slash no spanking Mastermind, Parenting dot com forward slash no spanking and yeah. Check it out. Okay. That’s what I got for you guys this week.

(17m 40s):
All right. Thanks for listening today, guys. I hope you picked up some tips tools, maybe some baby steps for creating more balance and boundaries in your life. And I just wanted to let you know, if you want to continue moving the needle forward in creating this for yourself, having a happier household. I want you to go to my website and check out Mastermind, Parenting dot com. We have three beginning programs, and if you need some accountability and more support, then please look for the one that would be a good fit for you. And as always, we’re on all the social channels under Mastermind Parenting on Instagram, it’s Mastermind, underscore parenting.

(18m 26s):
And you know, periodically I do pop up on different Instagram lives, Facebook lives, where I give you teaching and coaching. And I love engaging with you live to help you help your strong-willed kids so that they can feel better because when they feel better, they do better. And I love, love, love, getting to know you guys. So thanks for listening. If you like this podcast, please don’t forget to subscribe, rate and review super, super appreciative.

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