253: Rejecting Mom Guilt

My name is Randi Rubenstein, and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast. At Mastermind Parenting, we’re on a mission to support strong-willed kids and the families that love them. 

Hello. Hello. Hello. Welcome to this week’s episode. This week’s episode is all about mom guilt. Mom guilt, that lovely, lovely topic.

So recently I actually read a post from a mom, who happens to also be a business owner, and she was talking about the tension that she was feeling about taking her young daughter to horseback riding lessons, during her work day. Okay? So she’s a business owner. She actually owns a yoga studio and it’s a very successful yoga studio. And I’m guessing I’m pretty sure she has a list about a mile long of tasks that she has to do at any given time. Okay? 

So the truth is, is she might feel guilty when she takes her daughter to horseback riding lessons. For all the things that she’s not doing at work, you know, for all her work tasks that are probably stacking up, stacking up, there’s, you know, this teacher’s not showing up for class. She’s got to get, get this role filled. This thing broke. There’s, I’m sure, a million things. What about this, this marketing effort that’s happening in this program that they’re doing? There’s a million things on her plate all the time. So she might feel guilty that she’s taken her kid to horseback riding lessons. 

But she also might feel guilty if she decided not to take her daughter to horseback riding lessons. And she might feel, oh, I’m neglecting my kids. She’s the, you know, the years are flying by. I’ve got to make the most of these precious moments. She’s so cute. She always wants to be with me. She’s only five. I have to prioritize what’s really important. 

It’s like either way she turns, guilt is right here. It’s work guilt or it’s mom guilt, or it’s a combination of both. So it’s like, which flavor of guilt should I choose today? Hmm. Right. It sucks. It sucks. Right? 

So what she was talking about was she was talking about this tension, that, you know, that she constantly feels about this guilt. And that it was really all about learning how, and she was connecting it to yoga – she’s really an amazing teacher, not only in all the cool yoga shit she can do, but also like she’s an amazing teacher in teaching you how these yoga concepts really apply to off the mat. 

And so this tension, this post was her teaching about the tension, and what it means to lean into the tension. So like if you’re in a yoga pose and you feel your leg shaking, you’re not going to back off in that moment cause you know your muscles are strengthening. What does it look like to lean into the tension? How do we access our breath to lean into the tension? So how do we lean into the tension of mom guilt? 

And so what I want to invite you to do is, we’re going to redefine mom guilt as an opportunity for mom growth. Okay? Because when you learn how to lean into the tension rather than resisting it… what you resist persists. That’s something they say all the time in yoga circles, what you resist persists. So when we learn how to lean into the tension and allow our muscles to strengthen, it becomes expansive, right? We expand, we grow, we become stronger. You’re expanding your potential for growth when you start to notice these moments when you feel guilty and redefine those moments as an opportunity for growth.

So what is she growing into? What, what would she look at, this mom who’s deciding, horseback riding lessons, or work and sending my kid to a horseback riding lessons with someone else? Well, so who is she growing into? What is this an opportunity for? Growing into the woman she is at her core. The woman who defies all that bullshit conditioning, right, of, women need to constantly, you know, bring home the bacon, serve it up in a pan and never, never, never let them forget that you’re, they’re your man or whatever the fuck that was. Stupid. Right? Like you have to be all the things for all the people and don’t ever let them see you sweat. Martyr yourself. Serve everyone else. Make sure all the people are happy. Neglect your own body. Right? 

Who are you at your core beyond the guilt. Beyond the bullshit conditioning, right? What if you are growing into the woman who unapologetically listens to her own body rather than listening to what society tells her that she should do or she should be doing? The woman who chooses not to be all the things all at once for everyone else. 

The woman who sometimes chooses to put her phone on do not disturb at horseback riding lessons, right? And puts horseback riding lessons on her calendar during the workday, right? And she’s completely unavailable you know, for anything involving work during this hour. That’s called a boundary. I will be at horseback riding lessons with my daughter. I am not available. Any work matters need to be directed towards so and so. I am not available. That is a boundary, right? 

And sometimes maybe she’s the woman who chooses to send a stand-in to take her kids, to their activities. Because she’s choosing to work in her business at this time and she knows that there’s nothing to feel guilty about. She’s sending a really competent stand-in for her. 

You know, I, look, I remember with Corey, I had three kids and, you know, my oldest and my youngest, there’s eight years between them. So there was a lots of different needs going on. And by the time I had Corey, I had a babysitter that I could really, really rely on, Wendy. 

And I hated swimming lessons. I had been schlepping to swimming lessons for so many years by the time Corey came around. Guess what? Corey? Wendy took Corey to swimming lessons. Swimming lessons was something that I took off my plate. There was no mom guilt whatsoever. I was so happy to farm that out and it was their special time. They had a blast at swimming lessons together. Wendy loved it. Corey loved it. It was perfect. No mom guilt. 

So if you choose to do something instead of taking your kids to those activities, also releasing the guilt about that, having a boundary around that. Either choice you make is going to involve boundaries. It’s going to involve boundaries. And the biggest boundary saboteur for moms is guilt. So when we learn to allow the tension. When we realize that the tension is something we feel as moms because we’ve been conditioned to be all the things for all the people, the discomfort we feel from all that tension starts to make more sense, right?

We start to learn what it looks like to lean into it. We start to learn to speak to ourselves in ways like, yeah, that’s bullshit. I can’t be everywhere all at once. Today I have too many things on my plate at work. I’m sending so and so to take my kids to their activities. Or, I really want to be with my kids. My daughter’s so proud of these things that she’s been doing at horseback riding lessons and she keeps telling me about them and she wants, she’s, she asked me to go and I really want to go and show up for her and let her beam with pride and I want to see her, and so I’m going to put all the work tasks on hold during this time that I’m with my daughter. Boundary. 

Okay? So, becoming more comfortable with that tension, becoming more comfortable with the uncomfortable, like mom guilt, is how we start to expand and grow into the strong, amazing women we were born to be. Amazing, strong women who have boundaries, who are boundaries bosses. 

And many of us don’t understand what boundaries look like. And I hope that these examples, made it a little clearer. Like, this is about honoring our time and unapologetically standing up for what we want our lives and our days to look like. These are the activities on my plate for today and I’m not going to feel guilty about any of it. I can’t be all the places at one time and when I am at this place or when I’ve chosen, when I’ve made this choice, I’m not going to feel guilty about it. Because I’m present with whatever choice I’ve made. Okay? 

I want y’all to also think about, our kids benefit the absolute most from that. Our strength becomes their strength. So reframe your mom guilt into mom growth. Mom growth. Growth is uncomfortable. Think about it. When you go to the gym and start working out and you start strengthening those muscles, it’s going to be hard to sit on the toilet, right? Growth involves discomfort. 

And you’re listening to this right now because I think you know, you are destined for greatness. And that’s why you’re here, hearing this message right now, because you know, you are beautiful and expansive and you’re committed to growth. You’re committed to getting comfortable with the uncomfortable. Mom guilt is designed to hold you back and to bottle up your beauty.

Fuck that. 

We’re not doing that.

Boundaries. Boundaries, and releasing the mom guilt, redefining it as mom growth. Have an amazing week. Bye for now.

Thanks for listening today, guys. I hope you picked up some tips, tools, maybe some baby steps for creating more balance and boundaries in your life. And I just wanted to let you know, if you want to continue moving the needle forward in creating this for yourself, having a happier household, I want you to go to my website and check out mastermindparenting.com. We have three beginning programs, and if you need some accountability and more support then please look for the one that would be a good fit for you.

And, as always, we’re on all the social channels under mastermind parenting, on Instagram it’s mastermind_parenting. And, you know, periodically I do pop up on different Instagram lives, Facebook lives where I give you teaching and coaching and I love engaging with you live to help you help your strong-willed kids so that they can feel better, because when they feel better they do better, and I love, love, love getting to know you guys. 

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