Our Mastermind Monthly calls are always eye-opening, but this one was so on point I had to share it with you. In this season that’s so focused on gratitude, it can be especially frustrating when our kiddos don’t understand how fortunate they are. There are all sorts of popular ways to practice gratitude, but what good are they if your child takes their home and family for granted?
But acting entitled doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your kids. It’s often a sign they need you to take a different approach to building connections in your family.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- The root, core need that can lead kiddos to act demanding or dismissive.
- Why popular family gratitude practices fail to address the underlying issue.
- How letting kids take charge of things (and make their own mistakes) can help them see how fortunate they are.
And much more!
As always, thanks for listening. Head over to Facebook, where you can join my free group Mastermind Parenting Community. We post tips and tools and do pop-up Live conversations where I do extra teaching and coaching to support you in helping your strong-willed children so that they can FEEL better and DO better. If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it!
About Randi Rubenstein
Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.
She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.
At Mastermind Parenting, we believe every human deserves to have a family that gets along.
Randi’s Web and Social Links
Links & Resources
- Save your seat for our FREE 60-minute coaching sessions, starting again in the new year: https://mastermindparenting.com/monthly
- Our 12-week Basics Bootcamp program is now available as a 100% online self-study course! https://mastermindparenting.com/minimasters/
- Live assessment: https://mastermindparenting.com/live-assessment/
- Join our Free Facebook Group
Thanks so much for listening to the Mastermind Parenting podcast, where we support the strong willed child and the families that love them!
If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it using the share button in the podcast player above.
[00:00:00] Randi Rubenstein: So the best way to raise kids that feel grateful is for them to feel truly seen. Seen by you. Seen for who they are. And the only way to accomplish it, I know, this is a big bummer. That ladies long exhaustive list. All the things. Oh, if I just have a gratitude jar and we do the journals and then we tell the janitor that we’re grateful for him, and I teach my kids to donate their things and, and, and pass it forward. And when they get new toys and, and do all these things and then I need to tell them, I need to teach them how to write the thank you notes and how to say thank you just the right way. And how to make eye contact and yada, yada, yada.
[00:00:38] It’s not a script or a tool or a tip. It’s by getting to the root of the real reason your kids aren’t able to show up from a place of gratitude and appreciation yet.
[00:00:55] My name is Randi Rubenstein, and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast. At Mastermind Parenting, we’re on a mission to support strong-willed kids and the families that love them.
[00:01:05] Hi everyone. Welcome to our Masterminding Monthly Call. This month’s theme is Parenting Kids That Don’t Always Seem So Grateful. I didn’t really like kids that don’t seem grateful. Just, they don’t always seem so grateful, right? Y’all know what I’m talking about there.
[00:01:25] So, it was interesting, um, I was looking around for what are other professionals putting out around Thanksgiving, other parenting professionals putting out around Thanksgiving. AnD so I was on someone’s email list and I got this long extensive list and I just want to read to y’all some of these tips for cultivating an attitude of gratitude. Okay.
[00:01:53] So this one lady, she puts out, this sucker is three pages y’all, and we’re not even going to go over ages two to five. Ages 6 to 10. Let me just read you some of them. Be a good neighbor. Pass it on. Encourage your kids to sort through toys and donate, right? Um, pitch in. Set up family contributions. Chores to be done on a daily and weekly basis. Handwritten thank you notes. Um, make a gratitude jar, say thank you with cookies, prepare and deliver a homemade thank you for your local fire or police department or your pediatrician’s or dentist’s office.
[00:02:27] Make it stick, leave sticky notes for each family member to thank them for something you appreciate. Celebrate your year. Every birthday make a list of the things you’re grateful for that year. A five year old can think of five things, while a ten year old can manage a list of at least ten.
[00:02:42] Ages 11 through 13, aid a neighbor in need, lead the change. Next time you buy from a vending machine, lead the change for someone else. Work for free. Babysit or do yard work for a neighbor who needs a hand at no charge. Write about it. Start a gratitude journal.
[00:02:58] Think behind the scenes. Thank the school janitor personally, or the mail carrier, or the sanitation workers. Um, let them know a specific thing that you appreciate. Keep a running list on a whiteboard. List the top 10 things you’re thankful for. Get it on video. Make a thank you video for someone who gave you a gift or showed you kindness. Say thank you. Saying thank you is always important.
[00:03:20] Um, make it a plan. Research a service project and make a plan to execute it. Invite others to join in. Create a gratitude photo book. Um, help out without being asked. Give a gift card.
[00:03:32] Ages 14 to 18. Take a gratitude walk. Go online. Find an online cause to donate to. Text your thanks. Make a ritual of sending one daily thank you text to a family member. Be generous. Leave a big tip for a particularly good server. Offer a free lunch. Gift a meal to a homeless person. Thank a teacher or coach. Send a handwritten note to let them know how much his efforts made a difference.
[00:03:54] Volunteer on a Saturday, go back to school, donate your time to your old elementary or middle school and let your former teachers and coaches know. Create a new family gratitude ritual. Pay it forward in the drive thru lane, use your own money to pay for someone else’s meal.
[00:04:09] It’s a lot. And all those things are really nice and lovely. And, oh, and then there’s some more. Show your gratitude for them. Um, we really do have great kids, don’t we? Let’s be truly grateful for them this season, just as they are. Um, use a phrase like, rather than I have to change it to, I get to. Be generous in everything you do. Um, express sincere thanks, adopt a positive outlook.
[00:04:40] So. I don’t disagree, but that’s a lot. Okay. That’s a lot. It’s a long list to get it one time. Lindsey. What do you have to say about that list? Anything?
[00:04:52] Lindsey: It’s just overwhelming.
[00:04:54] Randi Rubenstein: It’s so overwhelming. And yes. Yes, we want to be those people. Of course, we’re the kind of people who show up to calls like this, who work in the parenting arena. We’re not doing it for the fame and fortune, right? Like we are the kind of people who really want to raise good humans. So, all those things, yes, yes, yes.
[00:05:21] However. What really shapes kids to be grateful humans? Like, what really? you know, besides doing all those things, how about a kid at home that just appreciates, what you do for them? Um, the fact that you provide for them, how much you care for them, right? Like, why don’t we start at home first and then we can start going beyond.
[00:05:50] What matters the most is adopting an attitude of gratitude at home. And so when you have kids that are not showing appreciation, who often are, you feel taking you for granted. There aren’t necessarily pleases and thank you. There’s just demands. Mom, where’s my backpack? Oh, chicken for dinner again, Um,
[00:06:21] it’s kind of hard to be thinking about that long, exhaustive list for raising grateful humans and sitting together as a family and writing in our gratitude journals when you’re dealing with that attitude. So why don’t we start at home where it matters most?
[00:06:45] Because guess what? When we attack this issue from within, then yes, of course, we’re going to show up generously out in the world. And we’re going to teach our kids to hold the door open for the person coming behind you. And to notice the people behind the scenes who make things happen by noticing them ourselves, right
[00:07:10] They learn by what we model. But we got to start at home and we got to start with how to clean up. These attitudes that don’t feel like they’re filled with gratitude, okay?
[00:07:24] So I want to start by doing a little exercise with with all of you that are here live. I would love for you guys to be interactive and type in the chat box as you do this, okay?
[00:07:36] I want you to think of someone from your youth It could be a coach. It could be a teacher. It could be even a parent or a sibling, that you just had a sense that they didn’t like you very much. Okay, just think about that teacher or that coach or that, maybe it was even a parent or maybe it was like an older sibling. That you just knew it didn’t like they just didn’t like you very much.
[00:08:15] Can anybody recall someone in your life that you just knew didn’t like you very much? And it may have even been someone who you didn’t think liked you very much, not because they were necessarily rude to you, but they had other people that were there that were their favorites and you weren’t one of them. And that just by default made you feel like they didn’t like you very much because they liked all these other people better than you. Does anybody have a memory of someone in your life that you had those feelings about?
[00:08:52] Maria says yes. Lindsey says dance instructor at the Houstonian, who was part of my teacher training. Um, old baseball coach. Um, Mrs. Kennedy, my sixth grade social studies teachers, lots of girls in middle school. Right.
[00:09:10] Yeah. Okay. So, so I know. It’s not like those people that didn’t, we didn’t feel, I mean, grandmother favored my older brother. Yeah. Um, yeah, I think that my grandmother favored my older brother too, um, but he needed it. It was good. It was good. But yeah, but yeah, didn’t feel great.
[00:09:30] So now I want you to think about how you felt around this person. When you were in the presence of this person, did you want to be helpful? Were you super cooperative to whatever their ideas were, what they wanted to do? Did you feel good about yourself when you were with them or were you kind of like, feeling a little insecure or a little negative or a little shitty about yourself. Were you may be a little defensive at times?
[00:10:07] And at any time did you find yourself feeling grateful for that coach or teacher or grandparent, um, or sibling? Right? Did you feel grateful for them, right, for, uh, showing up to practice or school or putting a roof over your head or a meal on the table or, um, for giving you a birthday present? Right, or for playing with you sometimes.
[00:10:38] Did you find yourself like often feeling like, oh, I just love them so much. I’m so grateful for them. I felt incapable and wanted to ignore so that I was invisible. Maybe wanting to ignore the person. Like whenever we’re ignoring someone, does that make us feel like we’re our, that the best versions of ourself? Are we just trying to hide? Right? Are we are show our shoulders back head held high feeling like we’re our best selves in that moment. It’s really hard for humans. to feel a sense of gratitude when they don’t feel good about themselves. Okay.
[00:11:23] So if you think now about someone, this might be easier. Um, like a parent, a grandparent, a friend, a teacher, a coach that you loved, that you just adored and who you felt like adored you too. Does anyone have a memory of that person?
[00:11:45] Wrestling coach. I remember my first grade teacher. My first grade teacher. Oh, Lindsey says my mom, lucky. Seth says his third grade teacher. My first grade teacher. She loved me. And this lady, this in Corpus Christi, Texas, there was this lunch lady that was obsessed with me. And from the time I was a little girl and I remember like my mom knew it and she was this Hispanic lunch lady that just she didn’t even speak English and she for some reason she loved me. I don’t know why.
[00:12:23] Um, teresa says my fifth grade teacher. My fifth grade teacher loved, my first grade teacher loved me. My fifth grade teacher loved me, my fourth grade teacher hated my guts. She was evil and I definitely wasn’t my best self that year. That’s for sure.
[00:12:37] So if you look at that contrast, right, between the person who didn’t, who you felt didn’t like you and the person who adored you, right? Think about how you showed up differently. How you felt about them, how willing you were to want to help them or to share a laugh or a smile with them, um, show appreciation for them.
[00:13:08] Tina says my 1st grade teacher too in Washington state. She gave me a book and wrote a note to me inside of it. I was always the class volunteer. So little things, right? Like first grade and we’re remembering it. I remember the lunch lady from elementary school when I was in like first and second grade. Like that, I mean, how impactful in a kid’s mind. we still carry these memories decades later, but we also carry the memories of the people that we didn’t feel so adored by.
[00:13:43] And so someone who you perceive to see you negatively, it’s really hard to have an attitude of gratitude when you’re around that person. Or even when you think about that person. Is there any part of us when we think about the people that we felt were sort of shitty to us? When I think about Miss Noah, my fourth grade teacher, like there’s not one part of me that thinks. Oh, I could have tried harder in her class. You know, she was getting kind of old. It was probably a big deal for her to show up for us every day. Um, and she had to grade all those papers, like not for one second am I thinking about that. All I’m thinking of is that lady was like a huge asshole. She was so mean, like who is, who goes into teaching, who is mean to kids?
[00:14:38] And I was like, like, especially in fourth grade, I was like a good kid. I was a studious kid. I was a rule following kid. And she was nasty to me. So Seth says, so more connection. And trying to connect at home is the answer. One teacher who had a doctorate, she was always making sure everyone addressed her as doctor. Right, like a teacher that’s in her ego. You know, kids, kids know. Kids are like, wait a minute lady, who freaking cares? Like, just, just be kind to me. Connect with me. I’m with you all day long. Make me feel seen. Make me feel heard. I don’t really care about what you’ve got at the front of your name.
[00:15:22] So there’s a quote that I want to show you guys. This quote y’all may maybe have heard it. “I’m not what I think I am I’m not what you think I am. I am what I think that you think I am.” It’s kind of a trippy saying. “I’m not what I think I am. I’m not what you think I am. I am what I think that you think I am.”
[00:15:56] So this is a quote by Charles Cooley. It’s from a book that was published in 1902, Human Nature and the Social Order. And Cooley introduces the idea of, of a looking glass self.
[00:16:11] Self as defined in this context is what you refer to when you say I. Considering how personal the self seems, it would make sense to assume that each individual develops their own sense of self and who they are with their thoughts and emotion. This mentality could be described as, I am who I think I am.
[00:16:34] But according to the theory of the looking glass self, this is not the case. The looking glass self is defined by our perceptions of what others think of us. This would be more like, I am who I think you think I am. Therefore, what is most important when developing a sense of self. Is not what we think of ourselves, but what we assume others think of us. What we assume others think of us.
[00:17:03] Does that make sense to you guys? So that’s why when we think of those teachers or those parents or those coaches or those grandparents. That didn’t favor us, maybe even disliked us. I am who I think you think I am it’s kind of tricky, right?
[00:17:27] So the best way to raise kids that feel grateful is for them to feel truly seen. Seen by you. Seen for who they are. And the only way to accomplish it, I know, this is a big bummer. That ladies long exhaustive list. All the things. Oh, if I just have a gratitude jar and we do the journals and then we tell the janitor that we’re grateful for him, and I teach my kids to donate their things and, and, and pass it forward. And when they get new toys and, and do all these things and then I need to tell them, I need to teach them how to write the thank you notes and how to say thank you just the right way. And how to make eye contact and yada, yada, yada.
[00:18:06] It’s not a script or a tool or a tip. It’s by getting to the root of the real reason your kids aren’t able to show up from a place of gratitude and appreciation yet.
[00:18:23] Yet. So there’s something to figure out. There’s something getting in the way.
[00:18:31] And quite often, quite often
[00:18:33] kids who are acting demanding, acting entitled, not able to show their appreciation. Quite often, they’re feeling misunderstood. Quite often, there’s something going on that is preventing them from showing up the way we showed up with that favorite teacher or grandparent or special friend. Right, where we just felt so seen, like, why did we love these people so much?
[00:19:06] Like, why did I, why am I remembering the lunch lady from 1st and 2nd grade? Or my 1st grade teacher, or your 3rd grade teacher, or your 5th grade teacher? Because chances are, you felt truly seen
[00:19:22] by that person, like, I don’t know why the lunch lady loved me. My mom’s like, this lunch lady, she’s crazy for you. Every time, I can’t understand a word she’s saying, but she’s going on and on. She’s petting your hair. She loves you. Something. She saw something in me. And when people feel truly seen for who they are, of course they start to show up as the best versions of themselves. Of course they start to, you know, behave in ways that are appreciative, cooperative, delightful. So there’s something to figure out.
[00:19:58] Okay. So I want to coach. I want to show you how we figure this out. A kid that’s not showing up with an attitude of gratitude, there’s a reason there’s always a reason and we want to get to the root and the best way we can do it and the best way I can show you how to do it is by coaching you all through a specific situation.
[00:20:23] I mean it could be something as simple as, yeah, my kids never offer to set the table when I ask them to help with the dishes I’m making, the meals, I’m doing the, and they never offer to help. And when I ask them to do it, they roll their eyes. They, if they do it, they do it begrudgingly, how do I turn this around? It could be something like that.
[00:20:46] It could be a kid who gets in the car. And you know, is a teenager or older and all they’ll do is look at their phone and when you try to ask them about their day, all they do is grunt. And here you are showing up all perky picking them up from school, you know, making sure that your day is centered around being able to drive them and they can’t even answer a question or make eye contact.
[00:21:12] Okay. Let me hear it. Sarah’s got some good ones.
[00:21:17] Sarah: Our issue with, my issue with gratefulness are, I could describe it as death by a thousand paper cuts. It’s just these little things all throughout the day of little remarks or demands or how he comes into a room or greets me or ask for things that don’t seem to relay any gratefulness in those things that we’re doing for him.
[00:21:41] So, for example, like, just in a series of 30 minutes from waking up to heading to school, it could be he comes into my bedroom when he wakes up and says, where are my shorts? No good morning. No hello. Where are my shorts?
[00:22:03] And then we’ll go down to breakfast and maybe we had carried down his backpack for him and his computer to plug in downstairs. And that previous evening and he’ll come downstairs that morning and say, why didn’t you put my backpack up on the chair? It’s just on the floor. It’s so hard to, pick up and get all my stuff together. It’s usually not in like an antagonistic way, it’s just in what feels to me like an obtuse kind of no recognition that…
[00:22:33] Seth: It’s transactional to me. Feels more transactional.
[00:22:36] Sarah: Just, I don’t really know what to do. I get irritated. Very irritated. I want to correct him. I want to tell him how you should greet somebody first or how you could say this in a, with a please or a thank you. But then it gets just really picky and corrective all day and what feels like over and over, especially in these transitional times. Or should I ignore it? But then I’m like, I’m just raising someone who’s entitled.
[00:23:04] Randi Rubenstein: Doctor, when somebody comes in with a sore throat, how do you treat them? How do you know what to do?
[00:23:13] Sarah: Investigate?
[00:23:16] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah, you investigate. You tell them to say, ah, you stick that thing down their throat.
[00:23:22] Sarah: Yeah.
[00:23:23] Randi Rubenstein: You take a look at their tonsils and you investigate, you get to what’s really going on. What’s the root of this sore throat?
[00:23:32] So when we’re. Looking at this situation, we got to get to the root of what this behavior is. When you’re getting irritated, your brain is feeding you a sentence that thinks it knows what the root of this situation is. And what is that sentence that’s going through your head that’s causing you to feel irritation?
[00:23:59] Sarah: That he is not engaging with another person and like it is not recognizing that he might be hurting someone else’s feelings or not recognizing that he’s just one sided kind of selfish.
[00:24:15] Randi Rubenstein: There’s something wrong with him.
[00:24:17] Sarah: Yeah, yeah.
[00:24:19] Randi Rubenstein: That old song
[00:24:20] Sarah: That old classic.
[00:24:21] Randi Rubenstein: We haven’t played that old classic in a while. Yeah, that he’s transactional. He’s just missing it. How can he not think that you walk in and just and say good morning before you ask if mom can help you or she might know where your shorts are. There’s something wrong with him.
[00:24:41] Sarah: Yeah.
[00:24:42] Randi Rubenstein: So, let’s look at that is there really something wrong with him or or perhaps is this an 11 year old boy, who’s been raised with two very type a parents who, got into a prestigious program, just started middle school and is, he’s doing all the things, wants to lay his clothes out at night. We’ve got a little bit of a situation, there’s only two pairs of shorts because of yada, yada, yada. And so sometimes the shorts are constantly getting washed. He likes order. He likes structure.
[00:25:19] I wonder if he might be type A in certain ways too. And maybe the fact that he’s in sixth grade and he’s had all this type A-ness modeled for him. If that kid sort of knows he wants more agency. He wants more agency. He wants more structure. He wants to have his systems. He wants to lay out his clothes. He wants to be the one who’s responsible for plugging in his computer or not. He wants to be the one who places his backpack where he likes. He likes to take care of his things. Why would his backpack be on the floor? He’d like it to be on a chair.
[00:26:05] Sarah: Yes, he definitely wants agency.
[00:26:08] Randi Rubenstein: And when we got a, a type a mama. Remember all those years ago when you didn’t even, you know, like, you’re just COVID and you’re, you’re, you’re opening your clinic, but then you’re, the boys in the homeschool and the work and then the making dinner, and didn’t ever even occur to you that maybe this husband of yours might want to become the dinner maker during the week. Now he’s become a profesh.
[00:26:36] Seth: So now I’m going to manufacture shorts.
[00:26:39] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah. He might want to be the one responsible for keeping track of his shorts or even washing his shorts. He might want to be the one who sometimes wears dirty shorts until he gets new shorts. Maybe the shorts don’t need to be washed every single time they get worn. Maybe we can wear shorts right now while we only have two pairs of shorts. Shorts get worn twice, or we just throw them in the dryer with the dryer sheet. So we freshen them up a tiny bit. It’s good enough. It’s fine.
[00:27:08] Sarah: Did that yesterday. Didn’t tell him.
[00:27:11] Randi Rubenstein: But maybe he could be responsible for his shorts.
[00:27:15] Seth: Well. I hear the agency piece, and I agree with that. I also don’t want to put more responsibility on him.
[00:27:23] Randi Rubenstein: Guess what? He’s begging you for it. That’s why he’s coming in being so demanding.
[00:27:29] Seth: Dude doesn’t have time.
[00:27:32] Randi Rubenstein: Really?
[00:27:33] Seth: You disagree?
[00:27:34] Randi Rubenstein: He wants to put his clothes out at night, and there’s no shorts. So why don’t we just make him responsible for his shorts?
[00:27:42] Sarah: I think we’ve been afraid to do that because he does get really distractible at night. And so, he’ll start going off in a million directions, so I keep him moving. So I’ve been afraid to say, give him more things on his plate at night.
[00:28:02] Randi Rubenstein: Okay, stop there.
[00:28:03] Sarah: But…
[00:28:04] Randi Rubenstein: It’s no different than the mom who is micromanaging her kid because he’s tanking at school. But we know we got to let him have some, like, we have to let them have some moments of failing. Right. And then dealing with the consequences of being hairy or not having your stuff together in the morning, being frazzled because, okay, well, we’re going to figure this out later. We’re going to come up with our plan. We’re going to come up with our structures and you’ll have a plan. And when you don’t follow the plan, then it’ll be a little crazier.
[00:28:47] And this is how you learn. This is how one day you’re going to go to college and you’re going to be the kid that like, knows how to keep yourself on task and like this is the time that you’re going to be learning these skills. If we constantly are telling ourselves things you can’t, this is what, this is no different than Lindsey having all the diagnoses she needed to be Daniel’s personal concierge in the morning. He couldn’t do the tasks. He’s got ADD. He’s got this. He’s got that.
[00:29:15] And I’m like, stop the ass wiping. He’s never going to learn to do this stuff. Lindsey, now what does the morning look like? She just went through this with the homework with him. She also thought she needed to be on top. Then she followed the plan for helping him develop more agency. He’s got it!
[00:29:35] Is it going to be that way right away when people are learning new things? Or dealing with the consequences of not doing the things and then, you know, no, it’s gonna, it’s gonna, it’s gonna be a little messy. He’s begging you for it.
[00:29:53] Sarah: Yeah, you’re right. You’re right. I hadn’t put that those two things together, like the ungratefulness and the agency, but it really does fit. And it makes sense too in the mornings he, um, he and his brother get bicker and, and I think it’s because he’s not feeling ownership over his own morning. So he’ll…
[00:30:18] Randi Rubenstein: Imagine once he’s do, he’s got more agency and he’s doing more of these things and he’s responsible. And then he’s like, mom, I can’t find my, and you’re like, there you go. And then because he’s used to doing so much, you might at that point be like, oh, thanks.
[00:30:37] Sarah: Yeah.
[00:30:38] Randi Rubenstein: I’ll get your water. But he’s used to doing the things and you’re like, here, I’ll do your water bottle for you. And he’s like, thanks for doing that. Agency plays a big role in gratitude. So like there’s something wrong with him or there’s something right with him.
[00:30:57] This is a little sixth grade kid who’s ready to have more responsibility. And he’s like, thanks mom. Thanks dad. Y’all are really great parents. I know you think I have too much on my plate. I got to grow up. I gotta learn these things and you guys have modeled being these like uber responsible citizens, human beings. I want to be just like you. Gotta let me.
[00:31:20] Seth: Okay, we can try it. Yeah, we’ll try it.
[00:31:24] Randi Rubenstein: And be ready to be messy. Be ready for it to be a little messy.
[00:31:28] Seth: Yeah, and I think that we could try to do it, though, fit it into a schedule where it doesn’t keep him up late at night and doesn’t interfere with homework. We could just do it on a Saturday.
[00:31:38] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah.
[00:31:39] Sarah: And at first he probably will be still really rude, but I just need to Q tip that while he’s figuring out how to, you know, go get through the bumps and the…
[00:31:52] Randi Rubenstein: Bumps and then you show up and you help them and then eventually, you know, and, and for you to say, like, listen, we’ve been treating you like a baby. You’re in sixth grade. You’re a smart boy. You’re a responsible kid. You’re ready for more. You’re not a baby. We’re not doing that anymore.
[00:32:10] Sarah: Yeah.
[00:32:11] Randi Rubenstein: Right. Yeah, his rudeness, Lindsey says, isn’t the rudeness his frustration for sure.
[00:32:16] Lindsey: Fuck where are my clothes?
[00:32:19] Randi Rubenstein: And then, you know, just, and for everyone listening going, oh, we’re just supposed to put up with rudeness. And it’s like, no, but like, we’re with it, cool people. We’re going to read the room. So in the moment of the rudeness and frustration, are we, excuse me, but no, later on, we’re like, we’re like, hey, all that monkey business this morning. I’m here to help, but when you slam demands at me or speak to me with that tone, it makes me not want to help.
[00:32:52] So I really want you to notice your tone, notice how you ask someone to help you. Right? Because in this family, we got to treat each other with the same manners and kindness that we would treat anyone else out in the world, right? It’s really, it’s important.
[00:33:11] So you want to, if somebody, if you know, if you get more bees with honey, as they say, so you want my help on something, just say, hey mom, I could use your help. Hey dad, would you help me with something? It’s that simple. So from now on, when I start to hear you forget that I’m going to say tone check. And it’s going to, and I’m just going to, I’m that I’m going to leave it at that. Tone check. And that’s going to be a reminder for you to go and have a do over. And check your tone and say it nicer, but we talk about that out of the moment.
[00:33:45] Sarah: Yeah. I definitely should do more out of the moment.
[00:33:51] Randi Rubenstein: Out of the moment, but you know what you haven’t been wanting to do out of the moment, probably because you’ve been so busy trying to micromanage and do all the things like you always do, but just like how, how nice is it that Seth makes dinner on the weeknights? How many years now?
[00:34:06] Sarah: Going on three?
[00:34:09] Shawn: Yeah, three.
[00:34:11] Randi Rubenstein: Three. I mean, look at the freedom you have compared to when you were trying to get it all done because it didn’t even occur to you wasn’t, didn’t even occur to you.
[00:34:22] Sarah: Yeah.
[00:34:23] Randi Rubenstein: Because you’re a doer, you’re an overachiever, you’re a double residency doctor, like, you’re that person. And you don’t have to do all the things anymore.
[00:34:31] Sarah: Yeah.
[00:34:32] Randi Rubenstein: Let him have that agency. It’s going to feel good.
[00:34:37] Sarah: Thank you.
[00:34:38] Seth: Thanks.
[00:34:39] Randi Rubenstein: Welcome. Okay, everyone, that is our call. Thanks for being here. And hopefully we’ll be in touch. This is going to be our last Masterminding Monthly of the year, but look for more, um, starting in 2024. Bye everyone. Have happy holidays.
[00:35:00] Thanks for listening today, guys. I hope you picked up some tips, tools, maybe some baby steps for creating more balance and boundaries in your life. And I just wanted to let you know, if you want to continue moving the needle forward in creating this for yourself, having a happier household, I want you to go to my website and check out mastermindparenting.com. We have three beginning programs, and if you need some accountability and more support then please look for the one that would be a good fit for you.
[00:35:35] And, as always, we’re on all the social channels under mastermind parenting, on Instagram it’s mastermind_parenting. And, you know, periodically I do pop up on different Instagram lives, Facebook lives where I give you teaching and coaching and I love engaging with you live to help you help your strong-willed kids so that they can feel better, because when they feel better they do better, and I love, love, love getting to know you guys.
[00:36:08] So thanks for listening. If you like this podcast, please don’t forget to subscribe, rate and review. Super super appreciative