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281: Why Following Through on Boundaries is So Hard

By March 19, 2024March 22nd, 2024Mastermind Parenting Podcast

Every parent has some version of this story. Your kid crosses a line that’s important to you. You exchange angry words, but eventually you talk it out and repair your rapport. Now you’re stuck with conflicting feelings. You don’t want to cause further disruption to your relationship with your child, but you also know their behavior isn’t likely to change without some consequence. This time, I’m sharing the experience of a Masterminder who was caught in this exact dilemma. We’ll discuss the difficult but necessary steps you can take to honor your values, communicate their importance to your children, and help them be better prepared for adulthood in the process.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

  • Why sometimes the way to step up for your kiddos means imposing consequences that neither of you is happy about.
  • The long-term benefit of short-term discomfort, for your relationship with your kids and their relationship with the world.
  • How vitally important followthrough is in your role as pack leader.

And much more! 

As always, thanks for listening. Head over to Facebook, where you can join my free group Mastermind Parenting Community. We post tips and tools and do pop-up Live conversations where I do extra teaching and coaching to support you in helping your strong-willed children so that they can FEEL better and DO better. If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it!

 

About Randi Rubenstein

Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.

She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.

At Mastermind Parenting, we believe every human deserves to have a family that gets along.

 

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Transcription

[00:00:00] Randi Rubenstein: My name is Randi Rubenstein, and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast. At Mastermind Parenting, we’re on a mission to support strong-willed kids and the families that love them. 

[00:00:10] Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to this week. I know it’s spring break for many of y’all. Me too. Me too. I’m actually about to go on a trip with my son. He’s a senior in high school and it’s sort of this rite of passage spring break trip to Mexico with a bunch of his classmates and their parents and I’m not going to lie. I’m kind of dreading. I am dreading. I have managed to skip both trips with my other two kids, my daughter, she graduated in 2020? So, uh, shucks that trip was canceled. So didn’t have to do that. And my older son, I just was dreading it too much. And my husband went without me. 

[00:01:05] And so this time he’s like, okay. It’s kind of your turn. And I was like, no, this is so not my cup of tea to go with a bunch of kids and spring break and all the things. so anyway, me and my husband decided we’re both going to go and we’re going to try and make the best of it. I’m trying to have a better attitude about it.

[00:01:29] I really am sort of closing a circle. My baby is graduating from high school and, um, I’m kind of excited. I’m kind of excited. I think I’m also, you know, I’ve already had two that have left the nest and because our relationships have, seems like they’ve only deepened and gotten even better. I don’t have that same panic that I had with my oldest son. 

[00:01:59] It’s like, yeah, this is the end of the season. And I have many, many, you know, nobody thinks about this. It’s like, you think about the 18 years that you have your kids living in your house full time. But when you do things the Mastermind way, God willing, you’re hopefully going to be the parent of an adult or a young adult, child, that grows into an adult, um, for far longer than you were when they were in their first 18 years. And once they grow into adults, it’s just like, mostly just the good parts. You know, it’s kind of delightful. 

[00:02:37] Not to say that there’s not hard times or when your kids go through hard things, it’s still, you know, cuts, cuts me at my core. But the party’s not over. The party’s not over is what I’ll say. The party seems to just be getting better. 

[00:02:52] So I am excited about closing this circle. Bittersweet, bittersweet is what I’ll say. I will miss Cor. I will miss him, but I’m excited for him. He’s ready. He’s waiting for, you know, all the colleges that he applied to, to get back to him. It’s kind of late, but there’s still several that he’s waiting to hear from and, it’s an exciting time. It really is. 

[00:03:16] So that’s a little bit about me and where, what I’m going through right now. I’m in a time of transition. I feel it in my body. I, um, definitely have felt more tired recently. Sometimes you might notice when you’re going through a transitional time, like all of a sudden you’re like, Oh, You just feel tired. I’ve definitely been feeling that a bit lately. So that’s the scoop on me. 

[00:03:43] Um, this week I want to talk with you all about boundaries. But I want to break down why they’re important, what it really looks like to establish boundaries in a way that is effective, and how you follow through on boundaries. Um, I just want to sort of like break down this concept, this elusive concept.

[00:04:11] Everyone hears that, you know, kids need structure, kids need boundaries, but I don’t know that it is quite as obvious how to figure out what your boundaries are and why they’re important, and then how to communicate those boundaries in a way that is productive, right? 

[00:04:35] So for those of you who’ve been listening to the podcast or with me for a while, you know that I teach my three step process for having a productive conversation. It’s sort of like my signature tool. and it’s all about communicating by mastering empathy. And having a productive conversation and this concept of communicating from an empathetic place, it is a skill. 

[00:05:02] Like I had a mom recently who is a Mastermind mom, who’s a big oil and gas exec in Houston, at one of the big companies in Houston.

[00:05:10] And she was telling me, she was like, productive conversation. She’s like, this is just the way I think now. She’s like, this is something that I don’t just use at home with my family. Like I use it with my colleagues. It’s just the way I think. And I was like, yes, that is the point. It’s a skill set. Like it’s a skill set that makes you a master at communicating. 

[00:05:30] Because what most people don’t know is when you approach a situation, and you want to accomplish something. Okay. So it might be establishing, a boundary with your kids, around, um, like, I remember when Corey was first becoming a teenager and he had started to go out on the weekends and we, um, we set a curfew for him. And it was like weekend after weekend, he would call me and so his curfew was at 11 o’clock and he would call me at usually around 10 o’clock and he’s like, mom, everyone’s going to spend the night at so and so’s. Is that okay with you? 

[00:06:13] And it was like, put me in this terrible position because the thing is, is like, Cory’s a good kid and he does follow the rules. He hangs out with a good group of friends. Like I wasn’t worried. I mean, most of the kids that he hangs out with, I’ve known them since they were little kids and, I know their parents. A lot of them are about to go to Mexico with me. Um, so it’s kind of tight knit group. 

[00:06:37] So it wasn’t like I was so worried, but it just put me in the, it was like, put me on the spot. Because now I felt pressured by my kid to say yes, but maybe I didn’t want to say yes. And yeah, I just, I didn’t like being put on the spot like that.

[00:06:54] So I needed to have a conversation with him. I knew this was happening week after week. So whenever we’ve got something that is a problem, right? It was a problem for me because every single weekend I was just like dreading getting that phone call and then being put on the spot. So now I know it’s a problem for me. And I don’t want to fight with my kid and I don’t want to ruin the end of his night. Um, and frankly, it was kind of ruining the end of my night. So I knew this was a problem. So I need to have a conversation. 

[00:07:23] So I have a conversation with him the next day because I want to establish my boundary, the rule for what, how we’re going to handle sleepovers on the weekend. And so I came up with a rule, you know, so we have a conversation. I see his perspective. I know it’s exciting. You’re a teenager. You’ve had older brother and sister. You’ve watched them be teenagers. You’ve watched them go out for years. And now it’s finally your turn and you’re getting to go out and it’s super fun. 

[00:07:50] And you have a great group of friends. And quite often it’s like, we don’t want the night to end. Let’s all keep the party going and go back to my house. We’ll all spend the night, you know, and so y’all just, y’all just want, I mean, you’re teenagers, like it’s the most impulsive time in your lives. And so of course you don’t want the party to end.

[00:08:09] And so, it’s normal. And the way it’s been going down, it’s not working for me. It’s not working for me, you know? Do you feel the stress? Every weekend when you call me and it gets a little like the air’s thick between us. Because you can probably tell that I don’t want to say yes and sometimes I say no and then you got to beg and then it’s a whole negotiation. Like it’s stressful.

[00:08:36] And then I heard from him, whatever, you know, and mostly what I heard from him probably was like, no one else has a curfew and I don’t understand why we have to, you know, why, it’s not a big deal. And so I hear from him, no one else has a curfew really. Okay. Interesting. And I hear from him. Yeah. It’s hard to be the only one that has the curfew. I get it. 

[00:08:59] And then, you know, I kind of prompted him to solve the problem. Well, what do you think is the solution? Cause obviously, you know You know, this is not our first rodeo. You’re our third kid. So in our family, we believe in having curfews. You know, and we’ve also always had a rule around one sleepover per weekend. And I think, you know, the reason for that. 

[00:09:21] So what do you think the solution is here? What do you think the rule is? How can we make this, this issue of you calling at 10 o’clock and asking, what do you, what, do you have any ideas? What do you think would be a better solution than the way it’s been going so far? And so then I prompt him to answer his own question, to come up with his own solution 

[00:09:44] And then, after we’ve sort of problem solved together This is where I like to say we established the real rules, which is really my term for boundary, right? The real rules. 

[00:09:57] And the real rules come as a PS at the end of the productive conversation. Oh, and PS. Just so you know, it’s not working for me. It doesn’t work for me for you to ask for a sleepover after you’ve already left the house for the night. So from now on, there’s a new rule where if you’d like to have your one sleepover weekend happen that night, we need to discuss it and it needs to be decided on before you leave the house.

[00:10:26] Oh, and PPS. if you forget, and that hasn’t been established and then you get wrapped up in hearing about everybody who’s going back to so and so’s house for a sleepover and you forget and you call me at 10 o’clock, what will my answer be? Yeah, it’s a no. Actually, I’m not, I’m not even going to engage. It’s just a no. 

[00:10:47] Oh, and PPPS. What happens if you forget and then you call me and then you, but please mom, but please, but please you beg, or you badger, and you just want it so badly and you just really want to talk me into it. You’re so good at talking me into things and, and, and. Then what? He’s like, I don’t know. I’m like, not only will you, will the answer be no, the answer will be no sleepover for that entire weekend or the next weekend. We’re not doing this anymore. One sleepover a weekend, it’s established before you leave the house. Got it? 

[00:11:26] So now I’ve established the real rules. The boundary. The right way. Out of the moment. We’ve had a productive conversation. My kid understands the why. I’ve shown up in pack leadership, right? And then the hardest, hardest part you guys is when then they call you. Because guess what people do? They test boundaries. It’s just what people do. 

[00:11:55] Because we’re going to be like, oh, you know what? My mom, She usually says yes to almost everything. She knows I’m a good kid. I’m, let me just, let me just ask her. And this kid, let me tell you, he was a master negotiator. He’s good. 

[00:12:11] And so then that phone call comes after the rule, after we’ve had this whole productive conversation and then the phone call will come. And this is the hardest part. When your brain wants to go, he’s such a good kid. I mean, it’s around the corner at so and so’s house. I’m friends with them all. Like nothing bad’s going to be happening there. What was my reason for having this rule? It’s kind of a bogus rule. 

[00:12:38] Like you’re going to want to talk yourself out of it and you’re going to want to cave. You’re not going to want to follow through. That’s the thing I want to kind of unpack this week. Why do we talk ourselves out of it? Why do we not want to follow through and why is it important to follow through? 

[00:13:00] Okay. The reason why we talk ourselves out of it is because we don’t want to experience the discomfort. We don’t want to feel the discomfort that we feel when we follow through on a rule that’s been established on a boundary that’s been established. And we know by following through, it’s going to cause our kid discomfort. It’s not the thing they want to happen. Nobody ever in the history of ever has been happy about someone else doing the damn thing they said they were going to do, which is what a boundary is. This is what I said I was going to do and so that’s what i’m doing. I’m just following through on my promise I don’t need your approval. I’m just doing the thing I said I was going to do. 

[00:13:53] But when doing the thing we said we were going to do causes discomfort, which it will in this person that we love. And all we, you know, you ask any parent, what do you want for your kids? I just want my kids to be happy. But when we follow through and we cause them discomfort, they’re not happy. And that is the rub that is so incredibly hard.

[00:14:23] And here’s the thing. We’re not following through because we have low stress tolerance. We are not wanting to lean into our own discomfort. It feels too hard. And when we can’t lean into our discomfort, of course our kids can’t lean in. They don’t have the skillset to deal with disappointment or discomfort.

[00:14:50] So when you have the kid who gets the college rejection and they can’t handle it. They feel like they’re going to die. They go into a depression. And you feel like you’re going to die and you’re going to go into a depression. That’s low stress tolerant. That’s because we haven’t built up that muscle to lean into the discomfort. 

[00:15:13] That’s what following through allows us to do. It allows us to be able to handle the moments in life when we’re going to be rejected, disappointed, and it’s not get the things we want and experience discomfort. You know how many people give up on dreams and goals and important things because they don’t have that skill set? It’ll be too hard. I couldn’t handle it if. Yes, you can. You just haven’t built that muscle up yet. 

[00:15:45] So when we follow through on these boundaries, not only will it give your kids this extra incredible life skill for going for the things they want and knowing that if it doesn’t go their way, they’re going to survive. They’re going to be able to handle it. Disappointment, rejection, discomfort is not going to take them out. 

[00:16:09] Also, when you follow through and do the thing you said you were going to do, even though your kids, it causes them unhappiness and they’re not happy about it. What it does is it actually helps them to trust you more because it provides more certainty. Oh, my mom will never say yes to that because this is our rule, right? 

[00:16:35] They know. It provides certainty. Like they don’t have to constantly every day. Can I have more tech time? Can I have more dessert? Can I not eat this? Can I just pantry surf all day? Can I just stay on screens all day? No, this is our rule. And when the rule isn’t followed, this is the consequence. This is what I do. Without drama, without shaming and blaming, just because I’m building up my own stress tolerance for my discomfort, I can handle when my kid is temporarily unhappy. This is the way we do things. This is the way we do things.

[00:17:10] It actually helps kids to feel safer in the world when they know, yeah, this is the way we do things here. We have these rules and we have these rules for these reasons. This is why it’s important. You know? My mom doesn’t want to have us at odds in this uncomfortable, tense, thick conversation weekend after weekend, Saturday night after Saturday night. It leaves a bad taste in her mouth. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It causes a little rift between us. It’s, it’s not working, right? So we’re not doing that anymore. 

[00:17:50] He gets to go and enjoy his night and know that his night ends at 11 unless he’s gotten permission ahead of time for the night to continue at someone else’s house. And I get to have a night where I don’t have to be put in this weird position weekend after weekend with my kid and have that come between me and my kid, right? I get to go to sleep peacefully. 

[00:18:16] So this concept of getting more comfy with your own discomfort when you are following through on a boundary, this is the skillset, right? This is the skillset, and there is a way to establish boundaries the right way. Out of the moment. They are I statements. It is not okay with me for you to call and ask me these things at the 11th hour. It is not okay with me. I won’t do X, Y, and z. These are against my rules, and I’ve explained to you what those rules are, right?

[00:19:00] So it’s not coming from a controlling place as, you will not. It’s, this is what is okay with me, this is what’s not okay with me. This is our rule, and this is the reason for the rule. And this is what I will do to make sure, that these rules are important and they’re taken seriously and they’re followed. And when they’re not followed, then this is the consequence that’ll happen, to help your brain remember why we’ve got these rules in the first place. This is how this family runs smoothly. This is how we have a beautiful relationship. This is how we stopped fighting over ridiculousness. We’re not doing that. I’m not doing that anymore. 

[00:19:41] So do you see how like that mom who said, this is just the way I think now. it’s a skill. It’s a communication skill. We’re training ourselves to think and communicate differently. And we’re practicing with our kids and it only benefits our kids and us. I mean, it’s a win win and it’s hard. It’s a new skill set. 

[00:20:02] Okay. So I had a mom this week that came with a situation, and I actually am going to include a little coaching clip that I gave her. she came with a really hard situation. She’s got three kids and hers. She’s got one strong willed kid who is in eighth grade, rounding up eighth grade, so he’s 14. And I mean, in the last year and a half, their relationship has drastically improved, drastically improved. Before they started learning Mastermind, they were very kind of old school, authoritarian, you know, a real wholesome family. Um, she’s kind of a rule follower. She’s an attorney. 

[00:20:48] And so she just was scratching her head at this behavior by her son. And, um, she couldn’t figure out why he was so angry all the time. And, um, and he was just basically rebelling from the inside at all of this authoritarian way, you know, and punishments. And he felt super disconnected. So she’s really built her connection with him and life is so much smoother. 

[00:21:15] But they had a hiccup the other day. And it was over something silly, super silly and, you know, she’s busy mom and she, he’s in a lot of, she has three kids and they play all different kinds of sports and she was finishing something up on her to do list and, and whatever the, the latest sport that, you know, he’s involved in, she got the thing, the email to order the gear. And so she made an executive decision. She ordered him some of the stuff. And so the next day she’s telling him what she ordered him and he was not happy with what she ordered him. He wanted her to order him, you know, something else. 

[00:21:53] And they quickly circled back into their old patterns where she started shaming him. She didn’t clean up her side of the street at all. She didn’t say, you know, I really, I was just trying to check it off my to do list and I should have checked with you to see, you know, what felt important for me to order what you wanted. Um, and for us to discuss that, you know, I can’t say that I was going to be willing to pay for all the gear, but I mean, I guess I should have given you the opportunity to pay for some of the things yourself that was important to you. And um, I jumped the gun. 

[00:22:29] But instead she doubled down. She started lecturing him, assuming that he was just being bratty and entitled and all the things. And he super shut down and he went, so she goes back into her old pattern of controlling and shaming and he goes back into his old pattern of you can’t make me. 

[00:22:51] So they pull up to school and he refuses to get out of the car and it’s, you can’t make me. And she’s like, you will get out of this car. And anyway, he gets out of the car and the last words he says is an F you. 

[00:23:07] Which, this is a pretty wholesome family. This is like a church going wholesome family. And she was like, that’s never happened before. Like we were doing so much better. We’ve been so connected. I have not even seen this side of him. And then he gets, he ends this with an F U. 

[00:23:26] So anyway, she comes to our group. She’s processing. She’s pretty hot, but she’s processing. She talked with her husband about it and they were actually being pretty level headed in, you know, discussing it. And so we strategize and I’m like, yeah, you’re just going to go back and clean it up. I mean, that’s what the productive conversation is. It’s this, it’s your three step process for repair after shit goes sideways. You got it. It’s fine. 

[00:23:50] So her question to me was, okay, but I can just see it now. She’s like, am I ridiculous? Like I, should I have a consequence for the FU? Like, I understand. I understand what his perspective probably was. I should have checked in on him. I just don’t know which, what I exactly I should do. 

[00:24:12] And I said, well, it sounds like this is a non negotiable for you. Is it ever okay, like, do you want your kids to be the kind of kids that think it’s okay to end something or to take their frustration out using F U’s and violent words? And she was like, no. 

[00:24:30] I was like, then it’s a non negotiable. You’re clear. It goes against your values. It goes against your family values. So yeah, you absolutely sound like you want to have a consequence to really solidify why this is a non negotiable. So you just, you, you have your productive conversation and then the oh, PS. You know, this is where you establish that non negotiable she’s in. 

[00:24:54] And she said, well, cause she was already going, do I take his phone away for a certain amount of time? Like I, I’m not sure, and I said, no, it sounds like it’s a non negotiable and it sounds like that is, you know, the consequence that y’all typically have in place is where he loses his tech for a period of time to help his brain remember why this rule is that important. And, you know, you can say I’m mad, you can say how you feel, and it is a non negotiable to use violent words, and to ever speak to me like that. Like I’m your mom. And I said, so you sound pretty clear. 

[00:25:35] And she goes, but I can already tell that like, so I have this whole conversation with him and it goes well, you know, cause we do the productive conversation pretty well, she goes, but then when I do the consequence, I feel like I’ll just lose everything, all the connection that I rebuilt through the productive conversation. And he’ll go into, but I apologize, mom, God, you’re always so mean. And he’ll go back into that and he’ll be, and then it’ll blow the productive conversational blow all my hard work and we’ll lose that. 

[00:26:08] And I said, yeah, the follow through is hard. And your discomfort, right, like you knowing that your kid is going to be really uncomfortable when you follow through on this consequence is you leaning into your discomfort, and allowing that to happen. But if you go into this productive conversation, sort of walking on eggshells and not wanting to poke the bear, the power dynamic is off. He feels that energy from you. He senses that. 

[00:26:44] So you got to go in knowing, I want to have a productive conversation with my kid. I want to get back to a place of connection. I want to see his perspective. I want to clean up my side of the street. And I also want him to know that this F U is a non negotiable. And there is a consequence to help him to know, to really feel that this is a non negotiable. And I love him, but we’re following through on this because this is not happening. This is not happening again. And he needs to know this is, this is severe, right? Using these kinds of violent words towards your mother. It’s severe. 

[00:27:30] And um, I said, but you got to go in with that energy knowing that even, yes, he’s going to be upset. Y’all just had this connecting relationship. And, I love you too much not to follow through on this thing because we can’t have, this can’t be an option, hurling violent words of each other. We love each other too much for this. This is too important. So yes, you will be without your technology for this period of time. You don’t go in sort of tiptoeing around, should I, shouldn’t, no, you’re clear. Go into the conversation with that level of clarity and that level of pack leadership.

[00:28:08] So I’m going to share the coaching clip, of what I left her, which really just kind of recaps a lot of these concepts that I just broke down for you. But I want y’all to remember. 

[00:28:23] When we get more comfortable when we build that muscle of leaning into our own discomfort. When we’re following through on an important boundary that we have established ahead of time. That ultimately allows everyone to breathe a little easier, and it brings more certainty into your family dynamic. And it will help your kids to feel more grounded and trust you. Even though they don’t like it, even though they won’t be happy about it, it will ultimately leave them trusting you as the person in their life that they can count on, who follows through on the things you said you were going to do.

[00:29:15] So, enjoy this coaching clip and have a great rest of your week. 

[00:29:23] You know, I have to use this as a teaching moment. I think so often, we have this productive conversation, right? We’re both on the same team. We both got there and, you know, it was a teachable moment, right? Like, things went sideways between us, but now we’ve repaired it. We’ve come back together. I cleaned up my side of the street. My kid knows that I don’t think he’s a bad kid, I think he just had a bad moment, um, and now we’ve repaired, 

[00:30:00] But if I follow through on a consequence to reinforce this boundary, this boundary, this non negotiable. Like, no matter how upset you are, you can say I’m upset and name calling or hurling violent words at me or frankly, any adult really any person, but any adult, that’s a non negotiable. That’s not who you are. That’s not who we are. It’s disrespectful and I know that’s not who you are, but this is a really important, important point. And I have to know that your brain and body understands the importance of this, that this is a non negotiable. 

[00:30:50] And so therefore this we’re going to follow through on this consequence to reinforce why this is so important. So that all week when you’re without this thing, your brain and body is going to remember. Even when you’re upset with someone, why it’s never okay to hurl violent words. And I love you too much not to do this. And I don’t like it. 

[00:31:15] When we have a consequence that is needed, that is necessary, that’s gonna reinforce a very important boundary. What stalls so many parents out is this walking on eggshells around their kid. But wait, I just repaired. But what if this sends them into a tailspin? 

[00:31:36] So the fuck what? So what? The boundary and the following through and the not walking on eggshells and the allowing our kid to be mad at us or to ruin our connection temporarily. Following through on the boundary and holding your own discomfort, with your kid not being happy with you. 

[00:32:04] It’s uncomfortable for us when we, when our kids are not happy with us. And it’s uncomfortable for us when we’re not happy with our kids. It’s uncomfortable for us when our kids are unhappy with us. And sometimes they’re going to be unhappy with us. All through childhood, because no one ever in the history of ever is happy about a boundary being reinforced with a consequence, no one They’re never going to be happy about that.

[00:32:31] So it’s the skill really here is you holding your own discomfort with the very real possibility that he’s gonna Be unhappy with you. Okay Okay But when you do that, you reestablish your authority as a parent, right? This is your veto power. This is, what you get to do as a parent. What you need to do as a parent. This is what so many parents aren’t doing because they can’t hold their own discomfort. And so then they continue to sort of skate, skate around issues. And, you know, walk on eggshells a little bit around their kid. And the power dynamic is off and your kid feels that and your kid feels that and that’s not what they need from us.

[00:33:24] In fact, I just had Michaeleen Doucleff, the author of Hunt, Gather, Parent, we talked for a long time yesterday, and she was telling me that out of all the articles she’s written and essays she’s written and all the research she’s done about parenting and where she’s interviewed kids, she goes, I’ve never interviewed a 20 year old who says, that, when they had a parent that had strong boundaries and follow through on things like social media, the 20 year olds who had parents that were considered strict and restricted access. She said every single one of them is saying I wasn’t happy about it at the time and I’m so glad my parents did that.

[00:34:06] And every 20 year old that she’s interviewed whose parents didn’t restrict. Because she’s writing a book right now about screens and screen addiction and all that stuff. She said every 20 year old that she interviewed that had parents that were more loosey goosey around it say, I wish my parents had been stricter about this. Our kids are never happy about boundaries in the moment, and it’s okay. Like, they’ll get it later. And we’re protecting them.

[00:34:38] So what do you, so when you are not scared that you’re gonna, that your kid’s gonna be unhappy with you, and you’re reinforcing this boundary of, it is absolutely not okay to hurl violent words at me, or any other adult, or frankly, another person. You know who’s thanking you in that moment? His future partner. His future business associates. Because when he gets hot and he’s fighting about something, it’s not an option in his brain and in his body to hurl a fuck you. They thank you.

[00:35:16] And he thanks you. Right? Because he’s not gonna feel ashamed of his behavior, of his out of control behavior. This is the time that you reinforce that lesson, and you have to be willing, even after repair, to walk back into the fire. 

[00:35:32] Thanks for listening today, guys. I hope you picked up some tips, tools, maybe some baby steps for creating more balance and boundaries in your life. And I just wanted to let you know, if you want to continue moving the needle forward in creating this for yourself, having a happier household, I want you to go to my website and check out mastermindparenting.com. We have three beginning programs, and if you need some accountability and more support then please look for the one that would be a good fit for you.

[00:36:06] And, as always, we’re on all the social channels under mastermind parenting, on Instagram it’s mastermind_parenting. And, you know, periodically I do pop up on different Instagram lives, Facebook lives where I give you teaching and coaching and I love engaging with you live to help you help your strong-willed kids so that they can feel better, because when they feel better they do better, and I love, love, love getting to know you guys. 

[00:36:40] So thanks for listening. If you like this podcast, please don’t forget to subscribe, rate and review. Super super appreciative

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Creating A Happier Household

by Randi Rubenstein