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287: Spoiler Alert: Your Kid Won’t Fail To Launch

When kids don’t do simple things for themselves, it’s easy to future trip and freak out. But what if you knew that they’d be okay and it will all turn out just fine? What if you could have that reassurance? Would it change how you show up now when you’re feeling fed up about them not knowing how to make a hair appointment, make a sandwich, or do their own laundry? If you could drop the panic, what would you do instead? How could you course correct when you want your kids to learn basic “life-ing” skills?

In this episode, you’ll learn:

  • How to take a breath and get perspective instead of panicking when your kid needs help to complete a basic “grownup” task.
  • To keep a sense of humor around the things your kids have (and haven’t) learned to do for themselves.
  • Why blaming ourselves for doing too much can drive a wedge between us and the kid whose independence we want to support. 

And much more! 

As always, thanks for listening. Head over to Facebook, where you can join my free group Mastermind Parenting Community. We post tips and tools and do pop-up Live conversations where I do extra teaching and coaching to support you in helping your strong-willed children so that they can FEEL better and DO better. If you enjoyed this episode and think that others could benefit from listening, please share it!

 

About Randi Rubenstein

Randi Rubenstein helps parents with a strong-willed kiddo become a happier family and enjoy the simple things again like bike rides and beach vacays.

She’s the founder of Mastermind Parenting, host of the Mastermind Parenting podcast, and author of The Parent Gap. Randi works with parents across the U.S.

At Mastermind Parenting, we believe every human deserves to have a family that gets along.

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Transcription

[00:00:00] Randi Rubenstein: My name is Randi Rubenstein, and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast. At Mastermind Parenting, we’re on a mission to support strong-willed kids and the families that love them. 

 

Hello. Hello. Hello. I have a fun topic this week. My daughter was sending me, she likes to send me Tik Toks, and I got a Tik Tok account really mostly just so that I can look at the Tik Toks that she shares with me. And, sometimes my son shares them with me too, one of my sons, and they’re usually pet content or animal videos, but sometimes Avery will share with me like a Taylor Swift video or something. And she just was sharing with me this trend and it was a picture of a mom and it says, my mom at 23 engaged and working full time as a dental assistant. And this is from my daughter who is about to graduate college and is almost 23. 

 

And then the next thing is a text between the daughter and the mother. And the daughter says, there was a cute guy at Shop-Rite and I smiled. And then the mom says, very good. I’m proud of you. How did you feel doing that? Okay. 

 

So then the next one it says my mom at 22 and it’s a wedding picture. Okay, so she’s in a wedding gown, getting married, 22. And then the next is a text exchange. This one really cracked us up. The daughter says, what do I do when I walk in again? And the mom says, give them your name. And then the daughter says, I need a script. And then the mom does an emoji of, uh, like, please. And then the daughter says, wait, do I say I have an appointment? And then the mom says, say, hi, I have an appointment at 12 noon. They will ask for your name, tell them your name. The daughter says, okay, thanks. Then the mom says, text or call if any questions or problems. And then the daughter gives it a thumbs up. 

 

And we laugh so hard at this because you know, 

 

Clip 1 In

 

[00:02:18] Randi Rubenstein: our kids are growing up, it’s a different time. And when they have a case of having parents, like many of us, I totally identify with this, where I like to call it “too good of a mom” air quotes. Um, where we’ve done all the freaking things for them. There comes a time with all my kids where they’re like, I really need a hair appointment or I really need a haircut. Can you make one for me? 

 

And then all of a sudden I realize this child is 16 or 17 or 18 and I’m like, you drive yourself places, you can make that appointment. You know, I’ll go to start making it and then I’m like, hold up, you can make this appointment. And then my kids inevitably will be like, can you just do it for me? 

 

And I’m like, no, I’m done doing it. you can do it. I’ve done it for too long. Do it. And I’ll be walking them through. I’m like, so, you just look up the number. Wait, what? I’m like, okay, here’s the freaking number. So you call, hi, I’d like to make an appointment with, you know your hairstylist, you know? And then they’re going to say, what day would you like to come in? And then you’re going to let them know what day you would like to come in or your availability. And then they’re going to tell you when they have availability and then you’re going to schedule it. And they’re like, Okay, will you just sit here with me while I do it? You know, kids are not having phone conversation. Like it’s, it is a different time. 

 

And so 

 

Clip 2 In?

 

[00:04:02] Randi Rubenstein: I know that so many of us stress, right? We stress like, we’re so worried we’ll start to future trip. Oh my gosh, I screwed this up. I didn’t teach them all the things. They don’t even know how to make a freaking haircut appointment. I’m going to have a failure to launch. How are they going to know how to do anything? 

 

And this is what I want to say. Now that I’m on the other side of this with at least two out of my three kids. They’ll learn the things when they need to learn the things. 

 

CLip 2 Out?

 

[00:04:39] Randi Rubenstein: Okay. And I know we can go into panic of, oh, kids these days, they don’t know how to do anything. They hide behind these phones, behind these screens. And so we panic about, I mean, I know I’ve panicked, like, I did too much. I did too many things for them. Are they ever going to learn how to cook and clean or laundry-ing or hair appointmenting or all the appointmenting?

 

Right? So we start to panic and, and get all future trippy. And when we do, we get sort of defensive a lot of times, blamey, a little graspy, we’ll start blaming them. It’s not a good look. It’s not a good look. So what I want to say to everyone, including myself is like, settle down. Settle down. It’s going to be fine. It’s going to be fine. 

 

Guess what? You know when my kids learned how to do laundry? If you’ve done it way better than many people like me have done it, where your kids did more around the house and had made more of the appointments and were super independent at a young age, then bravo, right? You’re not panicking about these, this might not be the episode for you. Although there’s going to be other things that you screwed up. Because we’re going to do some things wrong. And we’re going to do some things right. And if at least you’re having some laughs about all of it, that’s what matters the most.

 

They’re gonna learn how to do the things when they need to learn how to do the things. And if you’re sick of doing the things, like when I was realizing that I had a 16 or a 17 or an 18 year old here who was asking me to make a hair appointment for them. And now I’m running a business and a household and, and, and, and they’re like screwing around on their phone or Tik Toking on their phone and they’re like, Hey, can you make me a hair appointment? And now I’m their executive assistant. 

 

And I’m like, hold up, hold up. I clearly got it wrong here. No, you can drive yourself places. You can also make your hair cut appointment. I’m done doing this now. It’s your turn. You can do it. I believe in you. And then I sat with them. And then I sort of helped them with the script and we shared some laughs and, and then they learned. 

 

Or they went away to college and next thing you know, they need clean clothes. So guess what they do? Their laundry. And are they going to call you if they haven’t grown up doing laundry? Wait. So this is super confusing. Will you FaceTime with me? Sure. I’ll FaceTime with you. And they’re going to learn how to do their laundry. 

 

And maybe it’s going to take till your daughter’s a senior in college, like it did with mine. She’s now all of a sudden ready to like cook for herself realizing she wants to make more food for herself and she wants it to taste good. And so she’s going to the store and I’m on the phone with her and I’m like telling giving her sort of some recipes and she’s like wait, is this written out? I’m like, it’s kind of in my head.

 

She’s like, okay. I’m on the phone with her. She’s walking through the store. She’s like, wait, oh, they have sesame bagels here. Oh my gosh. They have sesame bagels. I’m getting bagels and lox. She’s like, I can’t find the cream cheese. 

 

And I knew what store she was, she was, I’m like, for some reason there, I don’t know if it’s the same in California as it is for Texas, but at that store, for some reason they don’t put the cream cheese in the dairy. She’s like, yeah, it wasn’t at the dairy. I was like, yeah, it’s like in this weird extra little refrigerator across from the specialty cheeses. And it’s like next to the sour cream. She’s like, Oh my God. It’s across from the specialty cheeses next to the sour cream. How did you know that? I’m like, 26 years of momming. That’s how I knew it. 

 

And so then you’re on the phone with your daughter sharing a moment and she’s starting to cook for herself or she, who we used to joke that we were worried that she would, you know, it was like her room was like a scene out of Hoarders: Buried Alive and there was, I mentioned this before because it’s our favorite, it’s her favorite joke that we used to go in and we’re like, we just know we’re gonna find a flattened cat. Cause on one episode we saw where they found this like flattened cat and they were like, Fluffy. We haven’t seen her in 10 years. Um, and so I’d go into her room and it would look like a cyclone. And before I just shut the door, I’m like, I just know there’s a flattened cat somewhere under there. 

 

Then she went away to college and guess what she started doing? She became a clean freak. She was, lives with other college students and everyone’s messy. And she realized that like, it was gross to live like that. She missed living like a civilized human being. And so she started keeping her space clean. They learn by what was modeled. So they will come to it. 

 

Clip 3 In

 

[00:09:59] Randi Rubenstein: I think what sort of prevents them a lot of times from coming to that sooner is A, like me, maybe you’re someone who does too many things and just wants to make their life as easy as possible. Or I think the other reason they don’t come to it is when we, we start to panic and future trip that we need to teach them all the things right now, and then we start to shame and blame them, and then they want to do the opposite of whatever it is that we wanted them to do. But when we just like chill the fuck out and realize it’s going to be fine. It’s going to be fine.

 

If you have modeled living like a responsible, civilized human being, for the most part, that’s what’s going to happen for them. That’s what they’re used to. 

 

Clip3 Out?

 

[00:10:46] Randi Rubenstein: And if you’ve done too many things for them and you’re kind of sick of doing all the things, then slowly, you say things like, you can make your own hair appointment. And know, they may need a little handholding, right?

 

CLip4 In?

 

[00:11:03] Randi Rubenstein: But I really think that if we can share a laugh about it, if we don’t have to make this little deal into a big deal, worry that because we did too many things, they’re going to be a failure to launch person. And you know, now we need to make up for lost time. 

 

Like, don’t panic. It’s like, if the plane has turbulence. No one panic. Nothing good is going to come from panicking. We all just have to settle down and remember, some things we got right. Some things we got wrong. Some things we got sort of right, but we could have done better. And, none of it really matters that much. Right? None of it really matters that much.

 

Clip 4 Out?

 

[00:11:53] Randi Rubenstein: If we’re laughing about it, if we’re talking about it, if it’s a conversation. My son, Corey, he’s like, it’s not that deep. When I try to talk like about something and make it into a serious, he’s like, it’s really not that deep, right? It just is what it is. They’re gonna learn all the things

 

I’m here to say, everybody take a breath. You’re doing great. Your kids are going to turn out great and we can all just take a breath. Okay. That’s what I have for you this week. Bye.

 

Thanks for listening today, guys. I hope you picked up some tips, tools, maybe some baby steps for creating more balance and boundaries in your life. And I just wanted to let you know, if you want to continue moving the needle forward in creating this for yourself, having a happier household, I want you to go to my website and check out mastermindparenting.com. We have three beginning programs, and if you need some accountability and more support then please look for the one that would be a good fit for you.

 

And, as always, we’re on all the social channels under mastermind parenting, on Instagram it’s mastermind_parenting. And, you know, periodically I do pop up on different Instagram lives, Facebook lives where I give you teaching and coaching and I love engaging with you live to help you help your strong-willed kids so that they can feel better, because when they feel better they do better, and I love, love, love getting to know you guys. 

 

So thanks for listening. If you like this podcast, please don’t forget to subscribe, rate and review. Super super appreciative

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