297: Outdated Parenting Just Doesn’t Work With 2024 Teens (with Coach Kevin Baker)

[00:00:00] Randi Rubenstein: My name is Randi Rubenstein, and welcome to the Mastermind Parenting Podcast. At Mastermind Parenting, we’re on a mission to support strong-willed kids and the families that love them. 

Hi everyone, I have an exciting episode for you this week. I’m sitting down with life coach, Kevin Baker. He specializes in empowering teenagers. Yes. I know. All of you have been begging me for resources for your teenagers, for your screen addicted, Tik Toking teenagers. And that’s why I wanted to have Kevin on the podcast. Because he has found his calling. He has found his niche. Niche. Niche. Always a tricky word. 

Um, he’s on a mission to nurture self esteem, confidence, and resilience in young minds. He has a firm belief that true happiness and success stems from inner strength, and he guides adolescents through the transformative process of self discovery and growth. He helps our teenagers. So welcome to the podcast, I’m so excited to talk with you today.

[00:01:07] Coach Kevin Baker: Oh, thank you so much, Randi. It’s a pleasure to be here. Thanks for having me.

[00:01:10] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah. Okay. So let’s get into it. We started, we were already chatting before and, and we had to pause our conversation before we started recording, cause we’re like, this is too good. This is too good. This needs to be recorded. Um, so tell me about your why. Why do you feel so passionate about empowering teens to, to build the best versions of themselves, to use your language?

[00:01:34] Coach Kevin Baker: Sure. So the, uh, you know, my, why, uh, stems, it comes from a very selfish, uh, uh, point of view. Uh, cause I’m a father of three. Uh, I have a teen, I have a 14 year old, a 12 year old and a nine year old. And you know, these kids are faced with so many, uh, challenges these days, stuff that you and I, you know, never had to deal with uh, in the past. And, um, you know, it’s causing them a lot of anxiety, uh, it’s causing them to have a lot of, uh, automatic negative thoughts. 

And, you know, if we can, uh, talk to the kiddos now while, um, you know, when their parents are starting to see some red flags to figure out, you know, what thoughts are they having that are holding them back? Then they can have all these years between, however old they are now as a teenager and by the time they, you know, go off to college or, you know, start a family, uh, they can have all these positive thoughts, uh, that they can use to empower themselves to have the best life they can possibly have.

[00:02:39] Randi Rubenstein: So why did you choose working with teenagers? Because you were like, I’m a dad and, you know, this is going to benefit me and my kids? Or like, yeah, what made you choose this population of human beings to work with? Teenagers? The, you know, what does every teacher say? Oh, gosh, I could never be a middle school or a high school teacher like teenagers. No, thank you.

[00:03:04] Coach Kevin Baker: There’s a couple of reasons. Uh, you know, the first reason is that, uh, they’re so much fun to work with. Uh, you know, we can joke around. Uh, we talk about video games. We talk about music. We talk about sports. We talk about, you know, how their parents are nagging them. Uh, we talk about, uh, you know, all these things they, they like to do. What’s fun. 

You know, we get to dig into their subconscious, where they actually call out visions that they’ve had about their future. And that helps us to, uh, to set goals and, uh, create action items, uh, that they can take steps to achieve. And to see the process and the progress they make from, you know, sitting in that room playing video games, you know, 14 hours a day, to realizing that they’re really passionate about something. And then to go after it, and, and take the steps to achieve it, to get beyond the limiting beliefs. That is one of the most powerful things that I’ve ever experienced to see that light bulb go off. Uh, to set them off on a, on a positive trajectory. 

That’s what makes me feel really good. I feel like that it’s easier actually to have those conversations with teenagers, uh, and young adults than it is to have with, uh, 30 year olds. Because, you know, the 30 year olds have had these limiting beliefs for so long. Uh, it’s like a truth to them. Uh, teenagers are still trying to figure it out. You know, I’ve had all these inputs from my parents and preachers and teachers and, you know, is this really, are there, are these truths? 

So one of the first things is, you know, I’ll ask about, you know, thoughts that they’re having. And I have them ask themselves. Okay, well, is that a fact? You know, is it a fact that you’re never going to make it? Like, no, if you practice, if you do your best, you are going to make it. So it’s, so in my mind, it’s actually easier to work with teenagers, uh, because the wall in front of them is a little bit easier to get through.

[00:05:04] Randi Rubenstein: That’s so interesting. I think that most of us, we don’t understand the stage of human development that is adolescence, that is teenagehood. One of the most impactful teachers for me, um, on this topic was Dr. Dan Siegel. He wrote this book and, and, and just this, the concept of adolescence is a pruning away process. Like that is the time where you’re going from childhood to adulthood. 

And so as a teenager, you are supposed to challenge beliefs and truths that have been placed in your mind, right? By your teachers and parents and all the people that have helped shape you up to this point. Like you’re supposed to challenge things because it’s a pruning away process to determine what do I want to keep? And what do I want to slough off? 

And when our teenagers challenge us and they’re not, you know, taking everything that we want to implant in their brain as fact, we take it as defiance and disrespect and, and, and it’s like if they weren’t doing that, they would actually be missing a really critical part of human development. Um, so I don’t know. What do you think about that? I’m sure you’ve

[00:06:28] Coach Kevin Baker: Yeah, I think that a teenage, I haven’t read that, but I will read that. Uh, I think it is a pruning away process. I also think it’s a seed planting process where, you know, throughout your teenage years, those are the years you need to take time to explore, and to plant those seeds, you know, to figure out what your passions are. So you need to try everything as a teenager. And yeah, get into trouble, you know, mess up. Sure. Like make those choices, have the freedom to make the choices, to make hopefully good choices. They might be bad choices, but then you’re going to learn, you know, that’s how you learn. 

[00:07:01] Randi Rubenstein: You’re 

[00:07:01] Coach Kevin Baker: By making mistakes. 

[00:07:02] Randi Rubenstein: You’re gonna make bad choices. Everyone does. 

[00:07:05] Coach Kevin Baker: Yeah. And it’s a learning process. Wouldn’t you rather do it now? 

[00:07:08] Randi Rubenstein: Right. 

[00:07:08] Coach Kevin Baker: Than later? 

[00:07:09] Randi Rubenstein: It’s like if you, if I said to any person like, the pressure’s on. What have been the biggest life lessons that you have learned up to this point, up to this age? I guarantee you, at least two out of three of those life lessons have to do with some time where you royally fucked something up, and then what you learn from it. Like, that’s when we learn the most is when we, you know? And like and then it comes to our kids and we’re like, but I don’t want you to be a human I don’t want you to do 

[00:07:43] Coach Kevin Baker: Be robot, just do what I say. Yeah.

[00:07:46] Randi Rubenstein: Right. Like, I think we forget, and it really is a part of teenagehood. That is how they learn. And that is how they quite often, I do think, plant new seeds for like, that sucked. I hated that. That was awful. 

Like, I can remember a time when I was, like, one of my biggest life lessons as a teenager. It was such an awful time. Awful, awful experience. And I royally screwed up. And it’s such a bad story. It’s like, still fills me with shame. Okay. And I went away to summer camp and it all blew up while I was at summer camp. And my mom had to deal with it while I was at summer camp. 

And I knew that whole month I was at summer camp that like, it was going down and I was going to be facing it when I came home from summer camp. And like for a month I just had, like, I had trouble sleeping. I had a pit in my stomach. I wasn’t, I felt like my mom was never going to look at me the same way. I knew I was going to lose friends over it. It was like a month of intense anxiety. And that was one of the biggest life lessons for me because after that, I was like, I am never making a decision like that again.

Like, it was a painful month, but I learned so much. You know, I think it shaped my character because I knew I never wanted to be a person again that had those kind of secrets or, you know, did something to the scale that I was involved in, you know? And, um, and it was awful. So I just, I don’t know. I think it, it is, it’s an interesting stage of life that is quite often misunderstood.

[00:09:34] Coach Kevin Baker: Yeah. Having the ability to make those choices, to do those things, to make the mistakes, to try and break things, to, to mess up? That’s the best thing you can do. You know, we, you want, actually, you want your child to, to fail a little bit. You know, you want them to, uh, explore and go out there and try and break things and, try and, uh, figure out what works, what doesn’t work because, uh, you don’t want them to do that when they’re 30 or 40, you know, you want to have those character building things happen in their development years, you know, in those adolescent years. 

[00:10:06] Randi Rubenstein: It’s interesting because I think that was a lot of the pain also was there was no adult that I trusted and so, um, like I didn’t have anyone to bounce things off of. And, and so that’s why I think it’s also what part of why I was like, yeah I want to talk to Kevin because the fact that like, you are that resource. 

Where you, you know, I think a lot of times kids, they’re not, they can’t talk to us when they’re teenagers or they don’t want to talk to us about everything. There’s just some things you can’t talk to your parents about, or you don’t want to talk to your parents. It’s like ask, and I mean, even at my age, I don’t want to imagine my parents having sex. My kids don’t want to imagine me having sex. I don’t want to imagine my kids having sex. But like, if now, all of a sudden, there’s an adult that you trust and you feel safe with that’s not your parent, that you could, you know, that has a fully developed prefrontal lobe, that you can, as a teenager, ask your questions to and not feel judged by. 

[00:11:13] Coach Kevin Baker: Yeah. Well, 

[00:11:14] Randi Rubenstein: that’s a huge 

[00:11:15] Coach Kevin Baker: Yeah. Judgment free zone, you know, is what I practice and, and that’s how we open up to each other. You know, I tell them things, they tell me things and, and we, we think about the situations in a number of different ways. Cause and effect, you know, what would happen if, would it be like if it happened this way? You know, what if you thought about it like this? You know, to give them, give them the full picture, um, and let them take all that input and take all that information and come up with a solution because they have the answer and they want to do the right thing. 

[00:11:46] Randi Rubenstein: Mm. 

[00:11:46] Coach Kevin Baker: You know, they always want to please their parents. Every, every kid out there wants to please their parents. inherently

[00:11:53] Randi Rubenstein: I agree.

[00:11:54] Coach Kevin Baker: The, they want to be good kids. So, you know, they have the answer. They just need a little bit of guidance. And yeah, sometimes you don’t want to talk to your folks about that kind of stuff. And, you know, you might not want to talk to your friends either.

Uh, you know, one of the things that, has given me such great experiences throughout my life is that I was blessed to have many, many adult mentors, uh, growing up. You know, my, my folks got divorced when I was eight years old. So there was kind of a, like a separation there, you know, and, I’ve always, you know, I had, uh, older friends, older cousins, uh, older uncles, family members, um, teachers, uh, mentors.

To this day, you know, I still talk to all these people. There’s just such a huge part of my life. Part of my experiences that made me and my ability to bounce ideas off them and to talk through different situations with them. And the feedback that they gave me that, you know, I was doing the right thing or going in the right direction or maybe not. You know, I’ll always, always be so grateful for that. Because not everybody has that and everybody needs that because it’s all about connecting with people, you know,

[00:13:00] Randi Rubenstein: I, I think that’s your why.

[00:13:02] Coach Kevin Baker: To pay that forward. Yeah. Yeah. 

[00:13:05] Randi Rubenstein: Well, and also you said, like you know, doing this work and working with teenagers actually helps you to be an even better dad to your teenagers that you’re growing at home.

[00:13:17] Coach Kevin Baker: A hundred percent. Yeah. I mean, no, practicing it every day and doing it every day and thinking about it like all the time. Yeah. I mean, now I can relate, you know, to my kiddos that, um, you know, are faced with some of these things in school, you know, being called out. Like now I understand, you know, why my kids get upset if their teacher calls them out in class. You know, cause I already have this conversation, you know, with, with, with a hundred kids. So I get it. Like, I know. So we can talk through that. 

You know, well, why’d they call you out? Well, we were talking when they came in the room. Oh. And what’d they say? They said, be quiet. Okay. What do you think would happen if you weren’t talking? You know, or, you know, what, how would you change that? What would be, what would be the way to make them not call you out? Okay. You know, and then we talk through that. 

So yeah, you’re a hundred percent right. It does, it lends itself to my personal growth as a father. Life’s a long journey. And, you know, I think I mentioned like three years ago, I started this sort of transformation. And one of the things, one of my goals is to, you know, be the best dad that I can be. And, you know, this certainly lends itself to it. So thanks for pointing that out. 

[00:14:25] Randi Rubenstein: So, it’s like, so your parents were divorced. Did you feel like either of your parents were able to, you know, like you were seeking all these mentors and other people to talk to? Did you feel like you could also talk to your parents?

[00:14:40] Coach Kevin Baker: I did, but not about everything, you know, and I was still probably a little bit confused about why, you know, they got divorced. And probably a little bit upset that everybody sort of let it happen. And like that, it went down the way it did. I was eight years old, but you know, I was growing up, you know, I was very keen to what, you know, what was happening. And I understood, um, sort of where things were going. So I felt like I could talk to them about some things. 

Like, I certainly appreciate all the, you know, input they, they gave me. You know, the best thing my mother ever told me was like, you know, you can, you could do anything you want to do in life. Like you can be anything you want to be. You know, and that advice like to this day is probably the number one thing she ever said to me. Um, there might be others. Sorry, mom, if I forgot. 

Um, and then, you know, the input, uh, that I got from my father, you know, was to like really work hard, you know, and do the right thing. You know, and have great worth work ethic and, um, you know, be a good human. And, and so, you know, I got that sort of core foundational stuff.

Uh, but then growing up as a teenager, it’s like, you know, the theater director, you know, in my high school who sort of took me under his wing and was kind of like a second dad to me and, you know, gave me this opportunity to learn all this stuff about, you know, uh, technical theater and lighting and Broadway style stuff and, and music and sort of set my career off on a, on a. on a different path. 

Um, so just having those, having those folks in your life, um, older brothers, older cousins, teachers, whoever they might be, uh, it’s, it’s priceless. And you’re right. I’m, I love being that 

[00:16:18] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah. 

[00:16:18] Coach Kevin Baker: for other people, too.

[00:16:20] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah. Yeah. And you know, I, I was, we were talking before we started recording and I was saying, you know, I love a collaborative team of support for, I mean, I love it for the parents I’m working with. You know, I mean, I, a lot of therapists end up joining my program, referring their clients to my program. 

And the coolest part about that is the right hand talks to the left. We get permission where, you know, like I, there’s a therapist that I’m a friends with in another state. And the, you know, she, some of her clients, she has sent to me and they’ve become members of my Mastermind. And like, I can go back to them and say, I just spoke with, you know, and, and gave her this update, update. Let me forward you the message that I left for her, cause I think it might be a nice way of synthesizing what I took away and you can also let me know how you would edit that. 

Like I feel like that’s pretty cutting edge and it sounds so basic. Of course the right hand should be talking to the left. Of course your parenting coach and your therapist and they’re talking about you. They have the permission to talk about you and then they come back and share what patterns they’re seeing, right? I feel like that collaborative approach is so beautiful with adults when it all kind of comes together. 

And, and thinking about kids, you know, so often I think, I mean, people even reach out to me and they’re like, you know, who aren’t working with me and they’re like, I need a therapist recommendation. And I’m like, okay, slow down. Before you send your kids somewhere and expect them to get fixed or solved in one hour a week, what are you doing at home? Like let’s also, like it’s yes and both. 

And so like this idea that parents of teenagers, because the teenagers, even the kids that were the easiest kids and the chattiest kids and the kids that wanted to tell you all the things about their day, all of a sudden they become teenagers and they clam up, but they need, you know, I don’t think all kids are as fortunate as you were when you were growing up to have that teacher that takes an interest, right? Like, I just think this 

[00:18:47] Coach Kevin Baker: Especially in this day and age, you know, with the, uh, with the technology that they, they, uh, they’re on all the time, you know, they miss out on opportunities to experience things and meet people and, and build those relationships to, to develop those, those sort of mentor relationships. 

You know, it’s been really interesting, especially when a parent comes to me and says, you know, here, here are the things that I’m seeing with my kiddo, you know, can you help? And when we talk about, you know, what results they want to see, you know, whether it’s better grades or, uh, more friends or, uh, less screen time, you know, more motivation, things like that. Um, and so we, we quantify, you know, what, what they want to see. And then, you know, I start to talk to the kiddo and, uh, you know, they’re all great kids. 

And a lot of the time, you know, they have these thoughts because there are, you know, expectations put on them by their parents. And they have a perception that, you know, they need to do all these things, you know, and there’s all these expectations and it’s really overwhelming. 

You know, especially when you’re like, you know, 13 years old and you know that by the time you’re 18, you have to be, you know, in college, find out what college you want to go to, know what you want to do with your life, uh, figure out where you want to go to school, what you want to study. And then, you know, four years later, you know, you’re going to have to have a great job. You’re gonna have to make a ton of money because the economy is horrible. Uh, you know, you need to do all these things, meet a person, buy a house, have a family, you know, all those expectations. 

Uh, and you know, none of that has to happen. Those are just thoughts. Like if, if we’re able to focus on the present and, and like drown out the noise, you know, then we can start to figure out like really, you know, what is their path. You know, and, and where, where should they go and what things did they like and what are they passionate about and, and how are we going to get there, how are we going to, how, how is that path going to bring them to the vision? Uh, that’s what we, we try to figure out. 

So when talking with parents, The first thing I say is to like throw out all your expectations. You know, because I don’t know if you’ve taken other parenting courses or, you know, how you learn to be a parent, but if you’re like me and everybody else, you learn how to parent because of the way your parents parented you. And they learned how to parent because of the way their parents parented them. There’s all this generational, I’ll call it parental learning, you know, that, that sort of come down the pipeline through traditions, uh, and other ways that, you know, whether it’s like a religious thing or, uh, you know, how, however you want to raise your kids. 

But, uh, you know, some of these things were founded, you know, in the 18 hundreds. And it’s a new world. Like it’s 2024, and, you know, these kids are drinking from a fire hose off of YouTube and are smarter at 12, you know, than I am at 44. So, you know, it’s, it’s tough to practice an out of date parenting style, you know, with the 2024 kiddo and, you know, they’re very aware. 

[00:22:08] Randi Rubenstein: Mm. Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. That is such a good sentence. Say it again.

[00:22:18] Coach Kevin Baker: Uh, It’s tough. to parent with an outdated parenting style to a 2024 kiddo.

[00:22:28] Randi Rubenstein: If I whatever X or tweeted or whatever the hell it’s called, I would be tweeting that quote. That’s, That’s, that’s, the money quote right there. It is tough to parent a 2024 kiddo with an outdated parenting style. With an authoritarian punishment model, do as I say, controlling, I’m, you know, the parenting, 

[00:22:53] Coach Kevin Baker: it actually works against you. 

[00:22:55] Randi Rubenstein: Yes, because, right, all control leads to rebellion. Guess what? Back, back in, you know, those ancient days, cause it kind of feels ancient, like you just wanted to raise a factory worker. Right? Like you just wanted to raise, or, or a farmer, right? 

And, and now, I mean, I just was on a panel and it was an eighth grade. They were, these kids were so cute. It was a really engaging teacher. They were so like, but I mean, they sat there for an hour and at the end of the hour she said, okay, how many of you still have questions? And 75 percent of these eighth graders, 13 and 14 year olds, hand shot up. They were so engaged. It was so cool. 

But let me tell you something. There was one guy who was on the panel and it was all about. Like he’d represented some YouTubers and some different things. And I, I mean, not to be gender specific, but all the boys, they wanted to direct their questions towards that guy. It was like, how do I become famous on YouTube? 

It’s like, and so all of a sudden to be like, you’re on technology too much when this kid is like, don’t you know that my pot of gold, and all the respect that I want, everything that I want is on this device. I need to figure out how to become, how to go viral on TikTok or on YouTube or whatever. And, you know, and I, I’m guilty of this too, where I’m like, it’s rotting your brain, but they’re like, don’t you understand? So yeah, like, that’s so true. 

[00:24:33] Coach Kevin Baker: y’know, on the topic of technology, you know, what we try and do is, if the kiddo is, you know, on social media, they’re watching YouTube, you know, whatever it is, we try and have them, you know, funnel that energy, you know, funnel that time that they’re spending on that device into something productive.

You know, whether it’s, you know, building their online portfolio as an illustrator or, you know, doing, if they’re doing some coding on, you know, Pico eight or, you know, whatever software they’re using to, to build their first video game. that’s the type of thing where it’s like, well, if you’re going to be online, like, let’s use it to, you know, do something productive. And, you know, to build a community around, uh, you know, what your vision is and, and where you want to go with, with your career.

[00:25:15] Randi Rubenstein: Do you have many kids that come to you that fall in the neurodiverse category? 

[00:25:23] Coach Kevin Baker: Mm, my favorite kiddos, actually. Uh, you have the most amazing conversations. There’s not a lot of filter there, which is awesome. Like you get to the truth, like you get to the heart of the matter. Like we don’t have to beat around the bush. Like we don’t, like we’ll build rapport like really quickly. Cause I’m like that, and you know, I, I, I love a good conversation. But the kiddos when they’re like open and fully honest and a hundred percent transparent, like, please. You’re going to have a really efficient, uh, a really efficient fix to whatever you have going on. Uh, because we’re going to get to the, to the heart of the matter fairly quickly.

And I feel like, and you might have, you might be able to tell me, but I, you know, I think sometimes kids that are, um, you know, atypical, you know, they might not get the attention, uh, that they need or want from other people who may not have the patience or may not have the same mindset as, as you and I do. 

But I love spending time with those kiddos, and it might stem because my, my mother actually taught, uh, she was a teacher for a long time in a, in a school that was attached to a hospital. Um, so a lot of those kiddos came to see her, and I would go in and, and help out those, those, you know, her class when I was little on snow days and stuff like that. So, I, I really liked to engage, uh, with, with those kiddos and, and they’re a lot of fun.

[00:26:49] Randi Rubenstein: So when the parents hire you and then you start working with the kids, do you ever have kids that come to you that are resistant to working with you? Cause it’s just like another, another thing that their parents are making them do and they don’t want to be there and, 

[00:27:06] Coach Kevin Baker: Yeah. Sometimes. 

[00:27:07] Randi Rubenstein: How do you handle that? 

[00:27:09] Coach Kevin Baker: From the start, you know, I have a conversation with the parents, uh, to let them know that they should be, you know, open and honest and transparent with their kiddo that, you know, they’re trying to be a better parent too. You know, and so they’re, they’re taking these parent classes, uh, you know, with coach Kevin and, you know, will you guys participate in it? Because, you know, I think our relationship will be a lot better for it. 

And so that sort of opens the door. So the kid, the kiddo agrees to participate and then, and then we started to build rapport and they’re like, you know, they’re a little bit, maybe skeptical at first. Uh, but we get to talking and we talk about, you know, whatever they’re into, you know, their likes, uh, their passions. And by the end of the first session, usually able to figure out what it is, that’s holding him back. And I leave them, you know, with maybe one or two, uh, goals that they can, they can work on over the next week or so. 

And I feel like by the end of the first session, I’m always able to, to get through. And so they come back. You know, and so they say, you know, the parents will ask how to go and like, you know, I really like coach Kevin. And let’s do it again. And we set the, set the next appointment and we keep going.

[00:28:32] Randi Rubenstein: So do you, so you work with the parents separately and then you work with the kids too? 

[00:28:37] Coach Kevin Baker: We’ll have an initial call with the, with the parents, and then, you know, we’ll usually do, uh, you know, four sessions with the kiddo, another call with the parents, another four sessions with the kiddo, and then a final, final call with the parents. Then

[00:28:49] Randi Rubenstein: Do you ever do,

[00:28:50] Coach Kevin Baker: a maintenance program after that.

[00:28:53] Randi Rubenstein: Do you ever do calls where it’s you and the parents and the kid? 

[00:29:00] Coach Kevin Baker: Sometimes. Uh, I don’t really like to do that. I like to keep it separate. Um, I just feel like it’s better to have, uh, better to have that rapport with a kiddo. This is our private time, judgment free zone. You know, of course, if they, if they bring up anything in regards to like the child wants to hurt themselves or do harm to themselves or somebody else, you know, I bring that up with the parents. But other than that, uh, you know, anything a kiddo tells me is confidential. So you know, they can trust me. 

[00:29:25] Randi Rubenstein: Mm hmm. Yeah. And do you find that like, um, I mean, do you have any stories of parents that came to you and they’re like, my kid is completely shut down. They’re not talking to me. I’m worried they’re in a depression. Like I kind of want to hear a before and after story of, yeah, like, and then the relationship is greatly improved. 

Because I mean, what I hear from parents all the time is not only are they worried about their kids, um, but they’re really worried about their relationship too. Like is my kid going to grow, you know, a lot of times it’s secretly like my kid going to grow up and feel about me the way I feel about my parents? Um, that’s a big fear. So like, I would love to hear a story about how the relationship improves with, the parents and the kids. Do you have any of those?

[00:30:20] Coach Kevin Baker: I think all parents, you know, really just want their kiddo to be happy. I think that’s, that’s like the, that’s the answer that every parent’s going to give. It’s like, what do you want for your kid? Well, I just want em to be happy. Uh, you know, happiness means different things to different people and success means different things to different people. So like sorting that out in the beginning, like, what is your definition of success or what is your definition of happiness is probably one of the most important things we do. 

so there was a kiddo that it was, it was in January, uhh, winter time. And the mom she emailed in and said, you know, I need to talk to you. Um, you know, my son is, is not well. You know, he’s depressed, he’s seen a therapist for years. Uh, nothing’s working. Uh, he’s not getting out of bed. He won’t get out of bed and he won’t go to school. 

It’s, we think it’s depression. You know, we don’t really know, but we need help. You know, we’re seeing so many stories on the news, uh, with kids with mental health issues that are, you know, hurting themselves or taking their lives or, you know, doing things that are harmful. 

And so I said, yeah, sure. I’m happy to help. You know, what results do you want to see? Well, we want to see him get out of bed and go to school and be happy about life and, um, you know, be a part of society. And I said, well, okay. 

Uh, so we had our first call and we got right into it. You know, we built rapport. He, uh, he’s great kiddo, uh, 15 years old at the time. He’s now 16. Um, so his issue was, he had all these different inputs from, uh, actually from social media. He had these thoughts that he wasn’t good enough and that he wasn’t going to make it. and that it wasn’t even worth trying. 

And so he couldn’t get out of bed in the morning, like before he would even open his eyes in the morning, he would start to have these thoughts. Like a lot of people when they’re in bed, before they get out of bed, before they open their eyes, they start thinking about their problems. You know, they start thinking about, well, what do I have to do today? Like, well, what’s on my agenda? You know, what problems do I have? What happened yesterday that I still have to deal with? So, so this kiddo was worried, uh, that he was never going to make it. So we had to talk about, 

[00:32:40] Randi Rubenstein: Like never gonna make it, like, 

[00:32:42] Coach Kevin Baker: In life. You know, like he, he was taught, like he wanted to be successful. He wanted to have a marketing agency and do affiliate marketing with, with these brands online. He was into fashion. So he was really, um, distraught and disappointed that he would see things on social media, you know, fashion people on yachts, you know, in these beautiful island areas. And he’s 

[00:33:05] Randi Rubenstein: He, yeah. 

[00:33:06] Coach Kevin Baker: I don’t have that. I’m never going to have that. I’m not good enough. 

[00:33:09] Randi Rubenstein: He was stuck in like compare and despair. That’s what social media do. You’re like, you, right. So he’s comparing despairing and he’s as a 15 year old developing brain,

[00:33:22] Coach Kevin Baker: He starts to develop these neural pathways, right. Of I’m never going to make it. I’m not good enough. So all these thoughts became, 

[00:33:31] Randi Rubenstein: Let me pause for a second. Let me pause, pause for a second. You know, it’s interesting. I’ve, I learned. Years ago, so many people, entrepreneurs, people in general struggle with imposter syndrome. Right. And so it’s like, well, I don’t have enough experience yet. I don’t, who am I to be doing this thing? And the thing I learned that was so interesting, um, is people feel, really want to learn from someone that like, it’s much more motivating to learn from someone who’s just like a couple steps from where you are versus somebody who’s like so, so far ahead of you that you can’t even relate. It actually demotivates you.

And the metaphor that was used was this woman was saying like, I, you know, if I’m a hundred pounds overweight, I am never going to sign up for the weight loss program, right, or the health program from the spark, the little spark plug, who’s a size two. But the size 10 or the size 12, well, she’s considerably smaller than me. She seems to have a lot of energy. And I could imagine myself there. And so I’m going to sign up for the program with the size 10 or the size 12. And I thought that was so interesting. 

And so this kid as a 15 year old, he’s seeing people on yachts and he’s still in, he’s just starting high school. He didn’t even have his own money probably yet. And right. And so what that did was it put him in a deep, dark depression and demotivated him. 

Okay, keep going with your story. Sorry, I had to interrupt.

[00:35:17] Coach Kevin Baker: Yeah, no, it’s, it’s, all good. So we went through it. So we, we went through all his, um, his limiting beliefs that he had about himself and his future and things he could do and things he couldn’t do. And we, we asked ourselves, you know, are, are those things facts? You know, of course they’re not. Uh, and then we, we went on to build, you know, positive affirmations that were essentially the opposite of the negative thoughts that he was having. If I do my best, I will have that. You know, if I practice hard enough, I can have that, you know, if I do what I need to do. Yeah, I will be. I’m actually one of the best, you know, I am good enough and I’m one of the best. 

And, uh, and so he practices. It’s like you said, like going to the gym, you know, it’s like going to the gym. You know, but for mental health. And we did the reps. And he did that every day for 3 weeks. And, you know, all of a sudden he was, he was, he was back in school, getting good grades, catching up on things that he had missed from the prior semester. He had signed up to do a, like a mission trip to Africa. 

And then we started talking about college. You know, in the beginning, he’s like, I’m not going to college and, and by the end of our, uh, six weeks together, he was like, it’s either, it’s between Arizona State or, you know, uh, I think his other one was maybe somewhere in Northern California, maybe it was like UC Santa Barbara or something like that.

But yeah, so we took his, you know, negative limiting beliefs, transformed them into positive, empowering beliefs. And so then he started, um, you know, showing more interest in college. He went on this, this mission trip to Africa. And then just recently, we’re in a maintenance program now, he just got back from Vietnam, uh, where he helped some people in a village for two weeks. And he, uh, has started his own fashion, uh, company, uh, buying clothes at thrift stores and, uh, selling em online for like 300 percent profit. 

And, you know, he’s like 16. He’s going to crush it. You know, he just had to get over some things and get through some things and like, get to the other side and like have the vision. Like we did the whole vision thing, you know. He’s gonna be in Japan selling clothes in five years. So that’s, that’s what,

[00:37:30] Randi Rubenstein: He needed an adult with a fully developed brain that wasn’t his parent to hold space for him and to create an environment where he felt safe, he felt unjudged and he was introduced to questioning the swirling thoughts that were going through his head that were causing him to feel demotivated. You know, based on all these images he’s seeing, he’s scrolling, he’s scrolling, he’s scrolling, he’s scrolling, it’s crazymaking.

And for a kid who is at the most impulsive time, In human development, teenagehood, and we’re giving them this access to, you know, I mean, look, it’s, there’s no regulation yet. So they’re scrolling and they’re scrolling and it’s creating those neural pathways and you don’t have the impulse control to stop. And you’re seeing the people on the yachts and the people that are way too many steps beyond from where you are. And it put him in a funk, it put him in a depression. 

But now all of a sudden an adult showed up. That could help him see, um, actually, let’s look at the facts. Actually, let’s take a baby step. Let’s set some goals. Let’s set some bite sized goals. Like you were able to create an environment where he now felt safe to kind of get out of that funk and create some new neural pathways that felt a hell of a lot better. That’s such a cool story. I love that. 

[00:39:05] Coach Kevin Baker: Well, we created a new story for him. You know, the old story was, you know, I’m not good enough and I’m never going to make it and people are going to judge me. And the new story is, you know, I am good enough. You know, I’m, I’m smart and I’m friendly and people like me. And if I work hard, you know, I could be one of the best. And that he can carry with him. So every time he’s aware now of the negative thoughts, you know, when his internal narrative starts, you know, the little voice inside the head that starts to try and mess you up. You know, he’s aware of when that starts to happen and then he can switch it off and choose the empowering thought. Which can carry him through any situation.

[00:39:52] Randi Rubenstein: But I don’t want to gloss over the fact that, you know, it’s kind of like the old SNL, I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh dog it, people like me. That’s where I think sometimes personal development and self improvement can sort of be spiritually bypassing, as they say. Where it’s like, like we had a kid in a depression because the nature of our being a, it’s like what you said. 

Being a teenager. In the year 2024. And part of teenagehood is, I have this device, I’m on social media, I’m getting these cocaine level dopamine highs. I can’t stop scrolling. These neural pathways have now been created. And I’m in a funk. And I’ve got literally like chemicals racing through my veins based on these images I’m seeing, and I can’t get out of bed. I can’t even be motivated to go to school. 

So if somebody were to come along and say, well, you just need to think better thoughts, kiddo. You know, that like, that’s nothing. 

[00:40:57] Coach Kevin Baker: Eyeroll. 

[00:40:57] Randi Rubenstein: All that’ll do is probably, yeah, and piss them off. But being a compassionate adult and creating a rapport. And being an adult and a mentor and a coach and, and, and building that safe container for this kid to now be able to, to, you know, feel supported by an adult that has a fully developed brain that, that is an environment that feels safe. Like this is just, I just think that’s such a beautiful thing for a kid. 

That’s it’s like, you know, we keep talking about our mental health crisis. COVID really fucked us all over. And yet, like, I don’t know that we’re, we’re creating resources like what you provided for this kid. I don’t know that, that parents are able to find a lot of resources like this.

[00:41:50] Coach Kevin Baker: I can tell you they, they can’t. Because you know, I’ve looked and you know, I’ve tried to find it from my own kids and you know, that’s another one of the reasons why I decided to do this. Uh, there’s not a lot of, you know, I, I wish that the, you know, the school system, public school system at least, you know, would incorporate, some more social, emotional, you know, some more emotional intelligence learning, you know, into the, into the programs, because I think that that sort of thing could really help. 

But yeah, creating this environment for them, it’s, uh, it’s, it’s really nice to be able to provide that and to know that I’m making the biggest positive impact I can. Because if I can help these kiddos, you know, at the age of 12 or 13 or even 27, that the world will be a better place for it. 

[00:42:37] Randi Rubenstein: What were the parents feedback like in terms of their relationship with this child? 

[00:42:43] Coach Kevin Baker: Oh, they’re ecstatic. Uh, you know, mom is just so happy that her son’s happy. She’s so happy that she sees him in the morning and he’s smiling, you know, when he’s eating his breakfast before he goes off to school. Uh, she loves to see him motivated and hanging out with friends and having a group that he shoots hoops with after school. 

[00:43:04] Randi Rubenstein: But is he talking to her more now? Is he trusting her more? Is she, yeah. 

[00:43:09] Coach Kevin Baker: Yeah, I think they open up. Because, you know, we, I talked to the, mother as well. So, you know, so we, we had a plan on, on how best she could approach her relationship with him. Uh, knowing that, you know, it’s 2024 and there’s a, there’s a new style, you know, it’s like no nagging. You know, it’s just like have the agreement that this is all going to happen and don’t, you know, don’t really expect that it happens without having an agreement that it happens. Um, and communicate and, uh, yeah, I think she’s, she’s very happy. Her kiddo is going to be a, a big, big star in the fashion world one day.

[00:43:45] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah. That’s so cool. Okay. So before we wrap up, I have to ask you, have you watched, have you seen Inside Out 2 yet?

[00:43:52] Coach Kevin Baker: I have not, my kids have, but I have not,

[00:43:56] Randi Rubenstein: Okay. Well, it’s, 

[00:43:57] Coach Kevin Baker: I have to. 

[00:43:57] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah, 

[00:43:58] Coach Kevin Baker: Yeah. 

[00:43:58] Randi Rubenstein: Your quote, life happens in the mind,

[00:44:00] Coach Kevin Baker: There,

[00:44:01] Randi Rubenstein: it’s, 

[00:44:02] Coach Kevin Baker: you go. 

[00:44:02] Randi Rubenstein: What the movie is all about. I know. 

[00:44:04] Coach Kevin Baker: Well, I didn’t come up with that quote, actually. That was, uh, one of my mentors, uh, Dr. RJ, uh, who came up with that one. And he’s, he’s a hundred percent right. Because we tell ourselves these stories and, you know, we have all these thoughts that go in on the mind. And it’s not fact a lot of it. And we just need to check ourselves and make sure that the story that we’re telling ourselves is one that’s going to, going to help us when that’s going to hold us up instead of holding us back.

[00:44:35] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah, you have to see Inside Out 2. They do. I, I, I’m going to see it again. I think they do a great job of talking about emotions and talking about the memories in the brain and the stories that we’re telling ourselves. And those stories bring all these different emotions online like anxiety. I mean, it’s very focused on anxiety. I thought it was, um, and teenagehood.

[00:44:58] Coach Kevin Baker: That’s a big one, yeah.

[00:44:59] Randi Rubenstein: And teenagehood. It’s really good. It’s really good. Okay, so, um, as we wrap up, I would love a couple of tips to leave our listeners with. Of sort of actionable items of, if they have a kid that is sort of seeming shut down, not really talking to them. Or they’re worried about like all the, I loved how you just like, you know, went through that list of them, you know, tanking at school, um, on technology too much.

Um, you know, I’ll throw also in, um, you know, not socializing enough. Doesn’t, seems like they’re having some social problems. Um, also I would say, um, you know, a kid that um, maybe isn’t, uh, putting any attention towards personal hygiene. Um, that’s a big one. That’s a bigger one than people realize. Like isn’t putting attention, or a kid that has a real, a teenager that has a really shitty attitude. They’re, um, you know, they just seem angry all the time. 

So yeah, like let’s give some, the listeners some actionable items where they, where do start? 

[00:46:15] Coach Kevin Baker: So, I would start with, uh, whatever it is that your kid, uh, likes doing, uh, whatever it is they spend their time doing, uh, learn about it and connect with them on it. Whether it’s sitting next to them when they’re playing a computer game, asking questions about, you know, well, how do you win? Like, how do you advance, uh, you know, getting into it, engaging. Trying to engage with them with something that they are passionate about. Show interest.

[00:46:51] Randi Rubenstein: I love that.

[00:46:52] Coach Kevin Baker: Show them that you care. 

[00:46:54] Randi Rubenstein: Please, I watched an anime movie. My boys, both of my boys, like anime and um, I, yeah, I have sat through 

[00:47:04] Coach Kevin Baker: You suffered through it. 

[00:47:05] Randi Rubenstein: multiple an. Yeah, and I’m like, I’m, um, and now 

[00:47:09] Coach Kevin Baker: That’s a good mom. 

[00:47:10] Randi Rubenstein: kind of, I kind of, I kind of almost like it, but, um, yeah, like now the other, the older one was like, Oh, you’ve already seen blah, blah, blah. And I was like, and, and Cory said, my younger one said, yeah, mom watched that one with me. I was like, yeah, it was dramatic. It was intense. And they were like, right?

[00:47:27] Coach Kevin Baker: Yeah. And you connected, you connected on it. Yeah. 

[00:47:31] Randi Rubenstein: That’s great one. 

[00:47:32] Coach Kevin Baker: So that would be, that would be one thing. And then the other thing I would say is listen, just listen.

[00:47:39] Randi Rubenstein: So hard not to interject. 

[00:47:43] Coach Kevin Baker: And don’t even think about what you want to say next. Just listen. Like you’ll say the right thing after, but when they’re talking, just listen and watch their body. And then you’ll have a full picture of what the communication is. 

[00:48:08] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah. I think for me, one of the biggest takeaways, and it ties into this just listen is when you’ve said a couple of times in this conversation, release expectations. Right? It’s like, how do you listen when you have this expectation of, but I need them to be responsible and they said they cleaned the kitchen, but they didn’t clean the kitchen and they’ve got a pile of things up in there.

I know they have these projects and they said they were going to work on their homework and they don’t. And then you’re sitting down and your kid starts talking to you, but your brain is going back to all these expectations that are not being met, are not being met. 

[00:48:46] Coach Kevin Baker: Them go. Let them go. They’re going to do them. They know they have to do them. And every time you remind them, they forget about it more because they know you’re going to remind them again. So stop reminding them, stop nagging and just, you know, listen to what they have to say and, and you, you just let them, let them do it. You know. 

They’re going to do it. If you just pause and wait and, and, and let them go, uh, they, they want to do the right thing. You know, and they want to please their parents and they want their parents to be happy with them too. but there’s a 

[00:49:20] Randi Rubenstein: Well, I like how 

[00:49:21] Coach Kevin Baker: give and take.

[00:49:22] Randi Rubenstein: Yeah, the, if you remind them, then they rely on you reminding them and they don’t develop that agency and autonomy. So it’s like the releasing expectations and just listening also is going to involve them probably failing, which circles back to the very beginning of our conversation. Which is, then you have to sit with your own discomfort that they’re going to learn the things. And they’re going to fail. And it’s going to suck. And this is how we human.

[00:49:58] Coach Kevin Baker: That’s how we build resilience. Like that’s how we learn to get through the hard things, you know, is by failing and then doing it again, you know? And we keep going and we just do it. We just keep going and, uh, you know, to have that strength to know that, yeah, I have to try this and I might fail, but if I do, it’s going to be okay, cause I’m going to try it another way. You know, that’s a whole lot better than not even trying in the first place. 

[00:50:27] Randi Rubenstein: So hard and so true. Um, okay. Well, this is a great conversation. Thank you for being here. How can people find you? We’ll put, we’ll put links to all your things on the show notes, but what’s the best way for people to,

[00:50:39] Coach Kevin Baker: Yeah, folks can find me on Instagram, uh, lifecoachkevin, and online at lifecoachkevin.com, and on Facebook at teenlifecoach. So all those ways, and I’m happy to have consultation calls with parents, uh, if they want to chat about what they’re seeing with their kiddo. Uh, we can, uh, sort of create a customized plan to get the results that you want uh, and make sure your kiddo is, uh, as well on their way to being empowered.

[00:51:07] Randi Rubenstein: Love it. Thank you so much for talking with me today. I really enjoyed meeting you, 

[00:51:11] Coach Kevin Baker: Yeah, same here. 

[00:51:12] Randi Rubenstein: Uh, thanks. Yeah. Thanks for doing what you do. I think it’s really important.

[00:51:15] Coach Kevin Baker: Yeah, same to you. And thank you very much. It was a pleasure to chat.

[00:51:18] Randi Rubenstein: Thanks for listening today, guys. I hope you picked up some tips, tools, maybe some baby steps for creating more balance and boundaries in your life. And I just wanted to let you know, if you want to continue moving the needle forward in creating this for yourself, having a happier household, I want you to go to my website and check out mastermindparenting.com. We have three beginning programs, and if you need some accountability and more support then please look for the one that would be a good fit for you.

And, as always, we’re on all the social channels under Mastermind Parenting, on Instagram it’s mastermind_parenting. And, you know, periodically I do pop up on different Instagram lives, Facebook lives where I give you teaching and coaching and I love engaging with you live to help you help your strong-willed kids so that they can feel better, because when they feel better they do better, and I love, love, love getting to know you guys. 

So thanks for listening. If you like this podcast, please don’t forget to subscribe, rate and review. Super, super appreciative.